This is a difficult series for me to write, but I need to do it to help me process what has been going on with me this year. I am not sure how long this is going to take me, but I need to get it out.
My mother/abuser (momster) triggered programming in me to get me to return to her (and presumably the cult). Thankfully, I have healed enough not to have followed the very strong internal pull, but the fact that I remained this vulnerable – after over nine years of healing and very limited contact with her – is sobering.
If you suffered from ritual abuse, be very, very careful about maintaining ANY contact – no matter how limited – with anyone who was involved in your abuse. Don’t assume that the person is too old, stupid, or crazy to be a threat to you. My recommendation (especially after my experience) is to cut off all contact completely, no matter how innocent the contact may seem. Don’t put yourself at risk. If I can be blindsided by dormant programming after all of the healing work that I have done, anyone who has been under the control of ritual abusers also is potentially vulnerable. Err on the side of being safe.
Before I continue, let me assure you that I managed to fight the programming off, but I have been in emotional turmoil for months. It has been months since I have gotten eight hours of sleep in a night (I have been living off 4-7 hours of sleep each night). I have struggled with severe insomnia, waking multiple times a night to a pounding heart despite taking various over-the-counter and prescription medications that historically have helped me sleep. I have been overwhelmed with anxiety, and many of my “tics” have returned – anxiety-driven behaviors that have not been a problem for a long time.
I am proud of myself for not giving in to the programming, but I am dealing with many other emotions – anger at my mother firing a loaded (emotional) gun at my head, surprise at my mother being smart enough to know how to trigger the programming, fear at the reality that I remain vulnerable to programming even after years of intensive healing work, confusion over how to discuss this situation with my sister (who continues a relationship with momster), and trepidation over writing this series because by doing so, I am strapping an emotional bomb to the programming and blowing it to pieces.
A traumatized part of myself (alter part) is scared to death that I am writing this series because the programming is to quietly return and not discuss this “desire” with anyone. By blogging about this experience, I am shouting “the secret” from the rooftops and calling my ritual abusers’ bluff. I am unwilling to obey, and this series is my way of telling my ritual abusers to f@#$ off. I hope to feel empowered through this process – right now, I just feel physically ill.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
Your bravery is inspirational. It takes a lot to do the opposite to what you were taught ie blog about it not keep it inside. I hope you continue to do so x
Thanks, Bourbon.
In one sitting, I wrote two weeks worth of blogs on this. I was a nervous wreck all weekend but am feeling more relieved now that it is publishing. :0)
~ Faith
((((((((Faith!!!))))))))
I’m sending huge thoughts of support your way.
So happy to read that you’re doing this. The NC advice is really important for so many people – part of establishing and maintaining those newly-discovered boundaries we’re all developing. Much(!) moreso in your situation. I spent years and years wondering “Did I jump or was I pushed?” when I went NC (back well over 20 years ago when it wasn’t cool or talked about). It was a massive struggle and was like – to quote Bobbie Rosencrans from “The Last Secret”: “To relieve a mother from the power to be “My Mom” in a world of people who have moms […] would be like using a trapeze without a net. It can be done, but it’s very risky, even with good training.”
@Faith: “be very, very careful about maintaining ANY contact – no matter how limited – with anyone who was involved in your abuse. Don’t assume that the person is too old, stupid, or crazy to be a threat to you.”
I’m SO glad you wrote that, because I eventually discovered for myself that your statement above is SOOOO true, even for those of us with (just) severe abuse. What was worse, for me at least, was that EVERYONE in the MH industry kept telling me that I was exaggerating fears, etc…, and telling me my massive level of fear was irrational, she was old now, there was no way she could hurt me, etc… So against my body’s constant messages of “warning, warning, danger, danger” I disregarded them (but still maintained NC, but even with NC you still have to be on guard for certain things). Of course, she DID hurt me massively, but since I’d followed the MH advice to disregard my internal body signals both times were MUCH worse than they needed to be and put me into MAAAJOR years long crisis.
Funny thing (not exactly funny haha), in the midst of one of those therapists ‘counselling’ me that my Momnster couldn’t hurt me, she told me a story about a couple she’d met: the husband ended up being very ill, but nobody could figure out why for over a year. He had a serious medical condition that was being successfully managed with medication – until that is they let his mother live with them. Turned out (she didn’t say how they discovered this) she was doing something to his medication to make it ineffective (I believe she said microwaving it?); she would always be the one to put it away when they came back from the pharmacy. But she pleaded (faked) senility and there wasn’t much they could do about it except get rid of her. And yet she was telling me this story while trying to convince me that abusers aren’t dangerous to you when they’re old, and that I was being irrational to fear my mother!?!?!?!
I am more concerned about what you said about your sister, however. That doesn’t connect for me – that she remembers everything and yet maintains a relationship. Have you ever talked about his with her? I’m sending you prayers for that, that you’re able to work this aspect through to a place that’s good for you.
Not sure if you want to hear this at this point, but this was my truth, and it may not be relevant for your sitation, but thought it might be relevant for someone else. I eventually broke off contact with all my family, my youngest brother in particular, when I found out that he had been maintaining contact with Momnster. Of course, the difference perhaps is that he had been lying to me about it. There was a lot there I won’t go into, it was pretty messy. One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
So thank you for writing this – it’s sooo important. I’m sorry that you’ve had to live through this lately, and I’m sending you all the positive thoughts and prayers I can. I know you know how to do this sort of stuff now – doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like h*ll though. So, (((((hugs)))).
Hey birdfeeder,
I can so understand the emphasis you put on that. For me maintaining contact with any abusers in any way is the same like approaching your local psychopath going” hey, great day, how are you? abused anyone recently?” I know quite tempting for the sarcastic among us( at least for me) but quite a dishonoring action for self. I get my share of personal contact with abusers just by reading the news, no need to talk to them in person. which sometimes happens just by walking through the world with open eyes.
and Im sorry that you had people telling you your fears were irrational. it just makes me so angry, this is what is wrong with the current therapeutic attitude!! To say sth is irrational is just totally irrational itself. to be human is to be logical- quote me in 200 years:) the human experience is super-tied to causality the same way our bodies are all tied to gravity. Deny gravity and you got irrationality, an ideology worshipped by still too many in the therapy field.
Hi Reality Strategy,
It’s so validating to hear from someone who sees the unreality of the therapeutic attitude (hopefully not all therapists are like this). To be told “if he says he didn’t do it, then you must believe him,” was a bit harsh recently. “But it was a long time ago, you won’t remember it well,” was unscientific. (Traumatic memories are chemically fused into brain cells, more vividly than standard run-of-the-mill memories).
“Your thinking is distorted, you are perceiving things through distorted lenses,” and “you don’t know what you saw,” were classic unreal comments from a psychologist, who simply did not wish to know the truth, for whatever reason of his own. (It’s easier to sweep the suffering under the mat.)
In my studies on psychopathy, I learned why my ‘friends’ found it easier to believe the ‘charming, but superficial, socialite,’ who covers his misdemeanors with lies, lies, lies, than to believe the hapless victim riddled with PTSD symptoms. ((I have far less tolerance of ‘religious’ abusers, and have completely cut off contact with this one. I feel they have no excuse. The ones that hate hypocrisy have more hope, to my mind))
My family who ask why I might have these ‘bizarre thoughts about people I know,’ would prefer to believe the ‘outraged’ sibling/abuser as he denies, denies, denies and threatens me with ‘committal,’ (to a psychiatic ward).
A ‘kind’ neighbour, who vehemently threatens to remove my children and put me in the psych ward, simply for allowing my story to reach her ears; this is where I learned to completely close the door to close friendships…
Is my story unusual? If I can’t make friends with ‘normal, nice’ people, and am not believed by ‘professionals,’ then why not take on the challenge of seeking healing with my former abusers? ((non-religious ones)) What do I have to lose? Probably the friendship and support of the world of survivors. We each have our own path to travel….
Love and light on your path beautiful survivors, keep going strong…
Well done for getting this all out, and witnessed by your community here. The abuser can always push the buttons. I don’t know how anyone can maintain contact without sacrificing a part of themselves, but of course there may be a way. I just don’t think it’s true for most people.
Through my concept of intensive healing I do not have to worry about programming at all. One of the results of what intensive healing is for me.
Pretty much I need to come as close as I could to the programming with out having it effect my actions. Once I dared do that it just went away. It is dicey as you can think you are facing it and you are not. I stood on the steps of one of the building where I was abused and it had no effect as I was not really close to what happened I was to present and in the now so it was ineffective.
______________________
On a side note I floated the idea of peer to peer life coaching yet did not get any takers. The concept was to have two people write back and forth what they were going to attempt and how it went on a pre-determined schedule. It was to stay away from being a therapist and have nothing to do with healing rather how to live day to day to make the healing possible.
It was more about someone in the world knowing I was working really hard and it did not always result in tangible results. Someone that understood I need to sleep 16 hours and that meant somethings did not get done.
I think the danger is the relationship could get sidetracked into being a personal relationship. Pretty much it is not about support it would have been about logistics and keeping track of things.
I do it now with my therapist. I may write I want to go to this town and see the art work of a friend. I do not really care about the work I just want to sign the guest book for her. I need to do that Monday.’ Just kinda frames what I am dong so I do not get sidetracked. If I do I might write. ‘I forgot about the art work as I was tired from processing the ……”
Just throwing it out there in case two people what to give the peer to peer life coach a shot. My advice is to set it up as daily or twice daily e-mails with clear rules and do that for a month. then reset the rules. The only over all rule is either party can for any reason choose to stop.
A this is what I am going to do today and this is what happened thing. It may morph into a weekly plan etc.
Pretty much just give it a shot and do not use all your energy setting it up. Use the fire, ready, aim approach,
We don’t have experience with programming with it comes to our actual (*whispers* sexual) abusers, but the partner from a previous relationship we were in for 5+ years has this triggering control over us. It was extremely difficult to cut ties and it remains difficult to not contact her at all.
I’m glad to be able to read something like this that is so brave and strong. You are truly an amazing person.
Thank you for sharing,
-Claire
I am so glad you wrote about this. I know that took a lot of courage. I think programming can happen with any type of abuse, not just ritual abuse. I have my own issues to work through concerning programming. I think you are so brave for getting out what has been hidden.
Faith thank you for your bravery. I understand the immense power of the programming and am so inspired by the strength your healing has given you to stand against it.
I had to stop returning to my childhood home. It was like a beacon and when I went there… every time the same person from the cult showed up even tho Ashe doesn’t live there any more. I realized some
how she had called me back each time..
Anyway…I am glad you are writing and sending.safe hugs and strength.
Ruby v
Hi, Ruby.
Oh, wow. That explains a question that I have always had.
When I was a teenager, I had the sudden urge to visit my childhood home (which a relative on the RA side of the family owns). I told nobody that I planned just to drive by. In fact, it wasn’t really planned. I was in the area with a friend and impulsively decided to show it to her. When I drove by, my aunt just happened to see us and run waving her arms dramatically so I believed I “had” to stop. I have always thought it was odd that she just “happened” to know that I would do this since I had not ever done it before (had only been old enough to drive for a couple of years) and had not told anyone about this plan. Now I get it. Thanks!
~ Faith
Hi Faith,
It took me a while to realize that this person “turning up” wasn’t coincidence. I live a full (12 hrs) day’s drive away, and I’d never let anyone know exactly when I was coming. It took four such coincidences to realize…the “chance” meeting with this person wasn’t chance at all. Inisidious, but also so empowering to finally be able to choose not to go back, even when secretly called!
I’m glad it shed a little light for you, because your blog has shed tremendous light for me!
Thank you!
ruby
Dear Faith,
You are so courageous in sharing your story. You are helping so many people on your life journey, to feel connected with others who have suffered and survived, and to share their own experiences, which lightens the load.
I’m struggling here, with warnings from different quarters about keeping away from negative people, and as per your recent post, keeping away from past abusers.
Is it my high ideals? (Rose-colored spectacles?) I feel drawn to connect with and understand the people who hurt me in the past. Partly because I want to understand *why* it happened, and partly because of my faith. I want them to know they can change from doing bad things, and do good things instead. (The Bible on repentance, and mercy –Proverbs 28:13, Romans 2:4)
When I read your post, I am horrified that even after so many years, people can still be so hurtful. And I feel very concerned for my children. (Two of my former abusers live in the same town as me.)
With both of these two, however, I felt at the time that they did not belong there. (This was an incident that happened in just one day of my life). And I strongly feel drawn to offer friendship and support, as it seems to me highly likely that *they* are the ones who were trapped in a terrible situation from childhood such as what you describe in your own story.
When you speak of breaking the silence, like exploding an emotional bomb to shatter the programming, I feel like this is exactly what they are trapped in. This silence. Because who can they talk to? Whenever I’ve tried talking to anyone (including two counsellors, and the police), they simply “cannot” believe me.
I do not judge them for not believing me. In some way it threatens their view of the world, in such a way that they simply cannot accept it as real. (Maybe someone in the news might do that, but not in their own town, whom they might bump into, or know).
I feel that if this is the response to the “victim,” what about the person who “offended?” What if they came forward, seeking counseling to help support the changes in their life? I feel like they’d meet the same lack of support. I feel like the people who would most understand me, and what I went through, would be the people who were there, who are the people who hurt me. (Maybe I am wrong?) And on the flip side, I want to offer the same understanding to them, and a hope for the future, where they do not need to live a lie, hidden in the terrible silence.
Hearing your description of being drawn to return to your mother/abuser and feeling traumatized has me concerned. Where can I learn more about what you describe as “programming?” I do not wish to be caught up in an unrecognized power, under the impression that I am following my own “high ideals.” I do not wish to be vulnerable to further attacks, nor leave my children open to attack. I will need to do some research on “programming.”
Thanks Faith, for posting this part of your ongoing story. I am still committed to helping people heal, but I take your advice, to err on the side of safety. I pray a lot in the course of meeting with past abusers. But the ones that deny the abuse, I have kept away from. Those who keep in touch with the abuser as if nothing happened, I find it hard to keep in touch with.
Your “book” to help others may very well be in a different format to the conventional bound paper copy. Your blog is the most amazingly healing experience available freely on the internet. You’ve created a precious and rare gem.
Prayers for your healing and new mission in life. : )
Hi, Truth Seeker.
Thank you for your kind words about my blog. :0)
After what I have just been through, I am not going to participate in helping my abusers heal. The only exception I might consider (and only with my therapist involved every step of the way) would be if the abuser initiated the process and took responsibility for his or her actions, such as entering into therapy, apologizing, and offering to reimburse me for my counseling expenses.
Even then, as I write this, my intuition is saying no — that I cannot be a part of their healing process. The reason is that my abusers might use my virtues against me. They might set up this scenario to gain access to me again when I let my guard down to help them.
I am not saying that abusers do not deserve to heal. I do believe in healing for all, even abusers, if they are truly repentant and take responsibility for their actions. However, I do not think that I can be involved in the process of healing **my** abusers. I might be able to offer words of hope and healing in my blog format: I would not ostracize a reader who has abused in the past as long as the reader is sincerely looking to heal versus trolling for more victims. However, I have to put protecting myself and my child ahead of the healing needs of my abusers. After this experience, I trust none of my abusers, even if they were to express remorse.
~ Faith
Faith,
*** religious triggers ??***
I hear you about the risk involved, the importance of safety, and the necessity of genuine repentance, and the vulnerability to further abuse. I am thinking along the same lines myself. And it feels like a part of me needs to “let go.”
Maybe it is the part that felt so powerless to change anything at the time. Maybe that part of me is trying desperately to have some sort of control over what happened, by “making it right” now, in the present. It seems like so little can be done, since the past cannot be changed. Perhaps healing is the best we can hope for, for all involved, and maybe that must be done separately.
It is a source of joy to see someone who hurt me in the past (over twenty years ago), now doing so much in their present life to help others. Being kind, caring, and gentle. Or finding loving groups of people to associate with. Or seeking loving relationships. That’s what leads me to believe that genuine repentance is possible. Actions more than words.
(I am wondering, hypothetically, can it really become possible to play a simple game of checkers with a past abuser eventually, without feeling the need to bring up a deep issue from the past? Or is it enough to wish that I can heal to the point that I can play that game of checkers with *anyone*, without my issues getting in the way? And hope that others, both victims/survivors, and abusers can heal to that same point? Not necessarily play checkers *together*. Perhaps that is asking too much of all concerned.)
Also, from the descriptions from yourself and Ruby, I am getting the impression that there may be spirit forces in action, that bring on the “drawn” or “compelled” feeling. Especially in the case of impulsivity. I like your quoted scripture, ((“No weapon forged against you will prevail.” ~ Isaiah 54:17)). Also, “Subject yourselves, therefore, to God; but oppose the Devil, and he will flee from you.” -James 4:7
Lately I’ve been living by the words at 1 John 4:18, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love throws fear outside.” Having contact with one of my past abusers brings up fears, kind of like barriers. So far so good, as I have noticed that the barriers dissolve, as I am armed with a singular purpose of bringing both love, and a warning to the person. Also a message of hope for future.
I’d love to describe the progress so far, but feel it is probably better taken to a different blog, or forum, due to the possible religious triggers?
It is a constant struggle to keep focused on the higher good, especially when processing the memories that surface due to triggers that cannot help but come up when around the person. A safe environment is very important, and also trust on both sides. It is a constant battle to be present in the moment with love, so as to throw fear outside.
My latest fear, is that if my abuser came with me to see a therapist, then what if he pretended innocence, and further compounded my therapist’s disbelief? I want throw that fear outside. Love is a risk.
But having said that, I do not want to go “too far” and put myself or my children in danger.
Love and light to all.
***religious triggers***
For those of you who are not triggered by religion and believe in the Bible, I found the perfect Bible verse to use as part of meditation in dismantling triggers:
“No weapon forged against you will prevail.” ~ Isaiah 54:17
~ Faith
I allowed myself to let go of all (personal) contact with my m/a 5 years ago and did the same with my dys/d. all I can say best decision I have ever made in my life. while it did not set me free instantly I can now say with the years inbetween that it laid the solid foundation for my surviving and then evolving simply because it provided me with space. space I so desperately needed to swim myself free. in retrospect this has been the biggest boundary setting ever for me. glad I wasnt aware just how big, would have gotten scared by my own courage 🙂 I just knew that I had to make a decision for myself and my life. it wasnt a decision against her or him or anybody else. it just got crystal clear to me that it was just MY decision for MYSELF. not that I had much of a self back then but I just realised that my decision had nothing to do with her but was all for me. now she is just another person on my list with whom I do not wish to engage with. (aside from the possibility that she could still trigger me should our paths ever cross again)
I see now how this clarity totally took me out of the offending/convincing game. I did not discuss it, I simply stated it and made suggestions as to how we could correspond in case of administrative matters (me being in college at that time)
I like to add that she had not been actively involved with any cult- she was a cult in her own way.
@ Faith,
Id like to say that being vulnerable to this kind of contact is very human. EVERYONE would be vulnerable to that kind of subversiveness. I think it is an illusion to think one could be immune to such form of violence. Your vulnerability precisely shows your healing progress. Healing to me does not mean one becomes immune to violence, rather one becomes discerning and protective of one’s vulnerability. Your vulnerability is not a liability but something to be treasured:)
* I wish to replace everyone with every HUMAN BEING
Thanks, Reality Strategy.
My therapist said that it is NORMAL for me to experience strong emotions, especially when triggered, and that experiencing strong emotions is not “crazy.” I can feel them without having to react to them. He also said that intensity = passion and that I am not “crazy” for getting intense or passionate at times. In fact, he said I am expressing more of my intensity rather than holding it in, which is actually much more emotionally healthy. :0)
~ Faith
I love the term passion. It does not have the rational thing tied into it. Ironically I now many successful business men that understand this more than most people. They will sell when the passion is gone and find another.
[…] Momster Activated Dormant Programming in Me (faithallen.wordpress.com) […]
Reading about ritual, mc, mkultra makes me lose it. New memories , horrible flashbacks of torture, terror
Hi, Collarmoth.
That’s a normal reaction. I processed the RA memories differently than the other abuse memories. I won’t classify them as “easier” or “harder” because all were hard in their own way, but I definitely experienced much more terror when working through the RA stuff.
~ Faith
Hey Faith,
Each memory is so different and often does not follow any sort of logic. Two of the hardest memories for me to get at I was not hurt physically at all nor terrorized with purpose. It was with out the purposeful terror and pain I had no reference. They were also short in duration.
Michael
I truly CANNOT understand why you or your sister keep that creature still in your lives. What do you gain from it? You know she is a predator, you know she is not capable of loving the way sane people can actually love. So why do you do it? do you enjoy the pain? It really seems like it, otherwise, why would you not just get a restraining order against her and call the cops whenever she shows up. Seriously, I just don’t understand. This is not about “forgiving and moving on”, this is really about becoming a victim over and over again because YOU ARE ALLOWING IT by keeping her around.
I’ve been reading your posts for a year now, and I think I must say it bluntly to you, as it seems no one else in your life is telling you the truth. She doesn’t love you, she has never loved you, she will never love you – Not because there’s something wrong with you, but because SHE IS NOT CAPABLE OF LOVE, she is a MONSTER AND MONSTER CANNOT LOVE! That simple.
Hi, Hudson.
I hear you and agree with you.
I live in another state (6-7 hour drive by car) away from momster, so there is no “showing up” happening on my end. I have only laid eyes her once since Dec 2003, and that was because she was also invited to my sister’s college graduation, and I wanted to be there for my sister despite momster’s presence. I have already told my sister that I will not do that again.
I cannot speak for my sister. As for me, the contact has been about every three months through letters and cards, and I cannot definitively say why I have been unable until recently to throw away the envelopes unopened. (I just did on Friday!) I am 100% DONE and will never open another envelope from her again.
I actually do have several people in my life telling me this, but it’s been a long, hard battle reaching the place of fully breaking the bond 100%. I don’t know why, but breaking the mother-child bond has been very difficult for me, even though I accepted long ago that she is not a mother in any real sense of the word.
~ Faith
re: breaking the bond. I think one is never able to “break ” the bond nor is it necessary. If I had attempted to break the bond I would have failed. Instead I realized that the child-mother bond is one of the most loyal bonds there is. Bonding is also what makes us human. Accepting that sets me free to live my own life. Only a bond denied holds one hostage. A bond accepted sets one free. Because it is my bond. And when I understand that it is MY bond(and not of my abusers) then I am free to choose to act on it or not. we were kept from this choice, instead were given the social lie to fulfill our “duty” thus taking away our choice in that matter. duty to me is a psychopathic substitute for bonding/commitment. Accepting our bonds for what they are lets us experience to be deeply human and sets us free from any duty. So if there is a sense of duty that means there is a need to fully accept our bonding and fully experience the beauty of bonding with fellow human beings. (to be clear, abusers fail that unless they start surviving themselves)
“Because it is my bond.”
Brilliant!
Thanx! 🙂
The word “Bond” is the root of the word “Bondage” – as in Sadomasochism, which is the pleasure of torturing/being tortured. Sadomasochism cannot exist without a masochist; someone who enjoys being tortured. Sadly, sometimes people who have suffered such trauma, gravitate over and over back to the predators in hopes that things would have been different and that the predator would have truly loved them. However, things CANNOT be different, the predator is sick and is not capable of love like a sane person is, so the healthiest thing a surviver can do is remove the predator from his/her life and move on towards healthy relationships with other people.
You don’t have a responsability with anyone else but yourself; to take care of yourself, love yourself, protect yourself. If you don’t do that for yourself, no one else will, and you won’t be able to love or protect anyone else unless you take care and love yourself first.
Hudson,
You are incorrect. Sadomasochism can be enjoying torturing people who do not wish to be be hurt. That is what the sadist wants. There would be no thrill if the person did not want to be tortured.
All that are abused are not masochists.
Bondage is consulting adults and no torture is involved. The word may be used to heighten the fantasy.
It is reasonable to assume that some people can not reach orgasm with out pain. I would not assume that I would know if they enjoy that or not.
When someone willingly puts themselves in situations that could result in physical, mental or emotional harm, THAT IS MASOCHISM. Plain and simple. Going back to the predator over and over is pretty much “asking for it”, as harsh as that may sound. The predator is not human and will not change.
My bad your are correct.
I read and sadist when you wrote sadomasochism. I wrote sadomasochism when I should have written sadist. I apologize.
All that are in an abusive relationship are not masochists if they do not enjoy the pain than they would not qualify. We all make choices. We do not all have the same choices.
Again I apologize.
You are brave. Breaking the silence is the strongest and healthiest to do.