Archive for August 1st, 2012

I do not blame my friend for not knowing that the letter was encoded with programming. She has no history of ritual abuse, and the wording that was woven in seemed innocuous. I saw no red flags at the time. However, in retrospect, I recognize that programming was included in the letter based upon my reaction to it.

My first reaction was that the letter was different because it stayed within the boundaries I set, which rarely happens. I told momster that if she wanted to maintain contact with me, she must contact me no more frequently than once a month, must not address anything in the past, and may not talk about increasing contact. Her letter complied with all of the above.

That’s not the red flag, though. For 9-1/2 years, my reaction to reading a letter from momster is to get triggered. I feel dizzy and sick to my stomach and generally feel “off” for days. I blog about it to work through my triggers, and I talk about it with my friends to help me process the triggers, and they tell me AGAIN that I don’t have to read the letters.

My reaction to this letter was very different. I noticed that the letter was different from the others but could not pinpoint why (beyond staying within the boundaries). I felt peaceful and “good” about it. I did not get triggered by it, and I did not blog or tell anyone about it. Only the one friend who screened the letter even knew I had received it.

I noticed my different reaction but never suspected that programming was being uncorked. I thought this was a sign of my degree of healing. I thought about how I had been adamant that I would not see my mother again after what I went through when I saw her at my sister’s college graduation, but then I had an about-face in January, decided to attend my sister’s graduation for her master’s degree (even though my mother planned to attend), and thought I had just had this big leap in healing.

Now that I write this, I wonder if the programming activation started before January because I did not really think through seeing my mother at the graduation. I just decided impulsively that I was OK with it – and even hoped she would be there – and bought plane tickets after saying for 2-1/2 years that I would not put myself through that again. This would have been right after Christmas, and she did send me a letter at Christmas, so the process might have even started sooner. (Side note – My sister is earning two master’s degrees and wound up completing one before the other. So, I went to the first graduation and momster will go to the second – sister did not tell momster I was coming to the first graduation.) That could explain why I have been battling reflux all year – My first bout of reflux coincides with me buying the plane tickets to my sister’s graduation. Interesting…

More tomorrow…

Photo credit: Hekatekris

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