Soon after this trip, I received a letter from momster. My reaction to seeing the envelope in the mailbox was very different from any reaction I have ever had – I was not bothered by it at all. I remembered my positive experience in reading the last letter and thought that I don’t need anyone else to screen it for me this time. I must be healing enough that momster no longer has the power to trigger me. It’s OK that she wrote me. I’ll just read it.
This letter was again very different from prior letters, and I felt so peaceful reading it. I noted where she referred to herself as an elderly woman who needs to keep her mind active. I thought that if she was smart enough and a manipulative person, that comment would have been the perfect thing to say because I saw that she is no longer a threat. I could see her as this safe, old woman who could no longer hurt me. She is no longer a threat. I don’t need to stay away from her.
I wasn’t even bothered by her asking me for my email address so we could stay in touch through email. I thought, “I could do that,” and wanted to email her immediately as well as write her back. However, I did not. I thought that this was such a 180 in my reaction to momster – there is no rush in taking action. Let me sit on it. If I still want to send her my email address or a letter, I can do it in a week or two. She has waited over nine years for a reconciliation. I don’t have to do it today.
I don’t have the dates written down, but the timing is consistent with when the insomnia started. Out of seemingly nowhere, I could not fall asleep. I would awaken in the middle of the night with my heart pounding, and I could not get back to sleep. I took various sleep aids that have always worked (at least some of the time) to no avail. I used my many tools for combatting insomnia, but nothing has worked. This has been a sleepless summer for me.
Another very important point – this letter was my secret. I felt very strongly that I wanted to reconnect with momster and did not want anyone else talking me out of it because they would not understand. So, I told NO ONE. I did not blog about it, and I did not tell my closest friends. I did not mention the letter to ANYONE until I told a friend while we were across the country, and it was a “by the way” light mention along with me believing my different reaction was a sign of healing. I was in tears when I got back to my hometown. I thought it was for a different reason. Now I wonder if it was because I “told” about the letter.
More next week…
Photo credit: Hekatekris