I have been working on healing the traumatized part of myself that was triggered by momster’s letter. That part was too terrified at first to reveal anything specific that I could use to heal it, so I focused on loving and accepting that part back into my core. I have been listening to the same song over and over again: “Undo” by Rush of Fools, which is a contemporary Christian band:
Turn me around, pick me up
Undo what I’ve become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, I need Your help
I can’t do this myself
You’re the only one
Who can undo what I’ve become
I have also been meditating on the following Bible verse:
No weapon forged against you will prevail. ~ Isaiah 54:17
The first information I recovered was flashes of women’s breasts, which I could not make heads or tails of. The second piece of information to reveal itself was that the threat was to my baby sister – I had to comply to save her. I have already put in a lot of work processing threats to my sister, so I did not think this was the piece of unprocessed trauma that I needed to focus on.
I now recovered the missing piece that I need to process. Thankfully, while this is technically “new information,” I already had the sickening awareness piece for years, so this wasn’t shocking information to process.
I had a flashback of being very little in a very big, dark room with sunlight coming through the second floor level of a small window. Once I took a step back, I recognized the place – it’s my aunt’s garage. This is my mother’s twin sister. That’s the only piece I needed to recover because I have already processed the types of abuse as well as threats to my sister’s life.
This is validated by a recurring nightmare I had early in therapy when I was processing the mother-daughter sexual abuse. My aunt would be sexually abusing me while my mother stood by watching with a blank stare on her face. At the time, I was only aware of the mother-daughter sexual abuse and believed she was my only abuser, so I interpreted this dream as a metaphor – that I was too frightened to face that my mother was my abuser, so I dreamed her staring vacantly as her sister harmed me. However, I now believe this recurring dream was a flashback rather than a metaphor.
This adds another piece to the puzzle of my life that fits, which I will go into tomorrow.
Photo credit: Microsoft
Blooming Lotus 
Faith,
Wow! I am sooo thankful you stood against the programming to return. The more the story unfolds the more thankful I am. And also soglad you stood even though your sister didn’t agree. I have a sister dear to me, disagreeing is hard. Like the others above I’m very worried for you sister.
I have a theory on why this “call” might have come from your mom at this time but I think it might be too triggering. If what came to my mind is at all true, please please keep yourself safe and totally away from the momster and her family.
Thank you for posting this whole story. I have learned so much. You are an inspiration to me.
Ruby
Hi Ruby,
I was wondering if there might have been some specific reason this was happening now. Thanks for pointing that out. Perhaps Faith might feel safe enough to discuss this later.
I use a concept that I call truncated processing. In a way all processing is truncated. The concept that the trauma was not processed at the time is as invalid as the person did not experience the abuse as they dissociated from it. Even in the extreme case where the body starts to shut down to protect the vital organs thought the non-connotative function of the reptilian brains there is a processing of before and after. The strongest is to not do what ever cause the shut down even if there was not choice. The basic level of this is to not go back to the physical place right before the body experienced what ever it was that made it best the body shut down. Reptilian brain does not care about cause and effect.
I use truncated as that means to drop of the least significant digit. Pretty much the trauma is processed with what is important to the reptilian brain at the time. There are many causes of truncating a memory when the trauma is not a threat anymore. One reason is bringing a traumatic memory into consciousnesses instead of leaving it where it is when it was first processed is physically painful and disruptive to the now as it takes a lot of time. I feel that to process deeply there has to be a loving relationship of some sort. In my case it is my therapist. A therapeutic love in the context of ethical behavior. Much trauma was truncated when processing with my therapist. No fault of ours it is just hard. Sometimes I just got exhausted. Sometimes it was something she said although she is really good at not having that happen as am I and our relationship is set up so that does not happen.
Any indication that the trauma does not have to be processed seems to be jumped on by many people. Well my therapist says there is not reason to go over all the trauma in detail. Although that is true after years and years of intensive work which is not recounting the trauma it was not true at first. I think I needed to do that to train my brain.
The domino theory of trauma does have some merit in that once the pathways are open in the brain the memories will come. Thing is it is not one line of dominoes and even in the line they are not all lined up. I could make a good case that complete healing is to have all lives be able to flash before your eyes and that needs to be done every morning. Which may not be at all possible for a human form.
If you have reached the limits of a therapist than that can be a truncation. No idea it is possible my therapist is less limited than when I met her.
This truncation is the cause of having to go over and over the trauma.
I just had a flashback while writing this and it is gone for good the reason I know is it did not bother me. I no longer need that key. It was a Oh that is that that is thing. My body did not react at all. The flashback is no longer needed as we have a way to process it although we have yet to do it.
When processing the trauma is truncated it does not stop. What stops is some of us knowing it is going on. Or body knows and we are tired yet some of us have no idea why. Then others of us come in at the end and if we are not careful we think we did great work when in effect it is other that did the work. Kinda like I was not abuse because others did that. They did suffer that the were protected is bull.
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There is not real word for what we call cults. Cult is a term coined by a sociologist back in the 50’s to describe the doctrines started after 1800. Mormons, Jehovah witnesses and Scientology, Seventh day Adventist apostolic Lutherans. Fredrick who was the sociologist I do not think made the connection that it was about when more people could read.
Have sociologist really done anything of importance?
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I am using cults to mean those people who held the beliefs from centuries ago and had to do it in secret. Just as some “Christians” used to do. All depends who is in power who is practicing in secret. Power is money.
So over time as Christians dropped the human sacrifice ect. (If you do not understand the alter and communion has its base in human sacrifice and cannibalism there is no need to read further. If you believe the virgins were not likely raped by the priests and priestess we are not on the same page.)
Just though of this. Christ was killed on the cross so all those people we sacrificed don’t count anymore. A transference thing. Transferring the blame to someone else.
So I am using the term cult to mean those who did not totally embrace new teachings and did so in hiding., Referred to by many as multi-generational abuse.
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Cults thought power could be got by collecting souls as apposed to church members paying dues/taxes/tithes ect. A different economic structure. In general terms the merchant class when with the church. the working glass went with satanic and the agricultural class went with which-craft.
What is seen as programming is often a social structure and child rearing methods that come from when survival meant living and dying not how you got on with the world.
Going back before what I am calling the cults it was more of a pack thing. The weak died as a natural course of things it was never a decision. I see the turning point when babies were abandoned so the others could live. The point where the weak did not die only because they were weak but because they were young. Nice to think this is all in the past it is not although birth control is a big help. I am speaking world wide now.
So if you look at the cults from a perspective of their history it still is not rational any more than the virgin birth thing. I find it helpful.
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Twins in the which craft cults were seen a special. (Note: Direct translation from Hebrew and Cain and Able were twins) Male twins were seen as a not good thing. Two males the same age in competition. The second born is killed. I had a twin brother and he was killed. (Note: In MKUTRA twins were thought to have special powers.) The excuse for killing the male twin is the eldest would take the soul of the twin and be more powerful. Pretty much the child is told they have special powers and with out any real measure the child lives this out.
Female twins on the other hand are valuable in that they give the group a larger population. Twins in the witchcraft cult are given special attention in that they are subjected to all the cult can muster. It is the same way with the male twin that is not killed.
In my case I had the added attention as the cults were getting a fee to prepare me for the behavioral scientists in MKULTA. The cult thinking I would be of value to them as a super being. I am not a super being. I do how ever have really cool hair. Smile.
I was supposed to have many special powers. I would play that part as it was best. With the MKULTA stuff it is important to note that the paranormal used to be the province of the priests this went to the Dr on some level and then to the psychiatrist. The MKULTA was much about being able to kill with your mind, ESP, remote viewing ect. The end of it was the LSD thing. must is made out of being able to reach a different level of consciousnesses it is even part of the Shaman thing. Don’t eat for a while and I grantee you will start to see God sooner or later he might even talk to you.
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Community consciousnesses is often like religion in that it is seen as “good” When anyone tells me about the good of a group I say you mean alleged good.
Community consciousness is not always good. It can be very much a pack thing. When the US did the Shock and Awe thing I was shocked it was not understood you kill peoples families even if they are in an army and people will hate you. This is not the US should or should not have bombed Iraq. It is just pointing out that when you do something like that expect to be hated.
There is a community consciousness in the cults much like the Shock and Awe what they do they feel makes them better than everyone else.
Just so you know we went to the moon and are on mars in case there is something of value there. Simple.
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So what is going on with me is that some of us have not slept. I think it is a brain thing.
For some reason when some of us do not sleep others of us are not tired. Who knows. So those of us that are out a about are taking care of things that we know how to do so when the others do sleep we can do more work of healing. It is not that this work done with this writing is not part of healing it is just a different part an we know it has no value in that it will effect no change with out the deep processing. In a way those of us out now can do this work because the others have done theirs.
What I am experiencing This is what is called being hypo manic. By those that observe. It is really just part of my brain is worn out has not slept so the part of my brain that has slept has taken over. It is OK now as we stopped calling it bad. If it were to go on for a few days we might experience exhaustion that would be called depression. We are OK now as we learned how to sleep which required that we reject what is true about sleep and rest for a processing PTSD body. When we were a non-processing PTSD body it was called being extremely successful.
When we are like this out in the world people can not keep up so many think it is bad. It is only bad for them as they can not keep up.
Some have not slept as we have not been able to create a situation where they can. This happens as processing trauma is hard. Only thing I know worse is not processing. It is hard to believe but the trauma was not as bad as the non-processing.
Dear Faith,
I’m struck by the parallels between my recent family experiences and yours. For 10 years, I successfully hid myself from my abusive family. I’m a survivor of emotional abuse (enmeshment) and covert sexual abuse from my mother. Both of my parents have serious psychological problems that made it necessary for me to cut ties with them, knowing that they would deal with it badly. They’ve hired private investigators multiple times to try to find me.
This cat-and-mouse game ended this past week. They discovered my home address, and my mother and sister showed up in the town where I live. I felt like my protection had been ripped away. (Not by my sister, just my mother.) My mother sent me two letters. Both were disgusting, filled with manipulation, guilt trips, melodrama, fantasies, and language that was sexual in nature.
The first letter arrived on last Wednesday night (August 7). I don’t officially suffer from DID, but I believe that all abuse survivors constantly deal with different parts of themselves in conflict. I swung between moments of terror and rage and moments where I felt I could handle her. Thankfully, sanity settled in and I wrote a very strong letter to her telling her that I never wanted to see her or my father (another mentally disturbed abuser) ever again. (All of which, incidentally, I wrote to them multiple times.)
I’m fortunate in one sense. My sister understands now what was going on in the family and prevented my crazy mother from physically showing up at my apartment and forcing herself on me. I reconnected with her and we had a long talk about everything that went on and is still going on and will go on until they’ve left this earth. She still has contact with them, but she understands and respects my choice not to be in contact with them or to have any information passed onto them about my life. She’s a fierce woman and can set very clear boundaries, though she admitted that it’s a constant battle.
I posted about this difficult experience to a couple of forums I’m on. Most who responded were sympathetic, but there were a couple of people who just did not get it. One spoke of this being a temporary thing and perhaps someday reconciling with my abusive parents. Another told me that rather than “run away” from my mother, I should meet her in a therapist’s office so that I could “say my peace” in the presence of a neutral party.
I’m so very sorry that you don’t have the support of your sister and others close to you. We must follow what our heart tells us and be thankful for those who do understand and support us without judging us.
Stay strong, dear heart, and know that although your situation is extreme, others understand some of your pain.
Blessings,
Rainbow
Rainbow,
“One spoke of this being a temporary thing and perhaps someday reconciling with my abusive parents. Another told me that rather than “run away” from my mother, I should meet her in a therapist’s office so that I could “say my peace” in the presence of a neutral party.”
I do not understand they dynamic but now that I have a somewhat full narrative I do not as often get this rubbish and when I do it seems a look stops it. I just seem to be able to communicate better with our words that the person does not know what they are talking about. The exception is therapist who are holding on the what I call the punching the pillow solution.
“The MKULTA was much about being able to kill with your mind, ESP, remote viewing ect.”
That makes sense to me, and causes me to believe that the guy in charge of me through my ordeal was MKULTRA. (maybe, maybe not). Very early on when I came across him in my fairly recent past, I had an experience where I left the place where he was, and was walking a long way home on my own. As I crossed a high bridge over the sea, I “felt” or sensed a hugely powerful ‘presence’ try to envelop me from above. I ‘knew’ it was from him. I battled against it with my mind and all my willpower, and prayed for help, for protection from it. I also wanted to escape from the ‘presence.’ It felt like it wanted to ‘own’ me. I refused. I looked over the railing of the bridge and considered what it would feel like hitting the water. Like concrete. I ran. I kept running till I’d got over the bridge and felt exhausted. It was a hot thirsty day, and I’d already physically exerted myself before the walk home. The guy I was studying the bible with happened to pull over, and offered me a lift. I was wiping my eyes and nose and trying to keep back the tears. I accepted and still felt shocked for quite a while after.
This guy who was likely MKULTRA would also appear very clearly in my mind. And when I was in his actual physical presence, there was rarely any need for words, as it was very clear what he was ‘saying.’ (Call it ESP? Telepathy? Mind reading? I think it is a learned way of communicating without words. Babies I think are born with it. Adults don’t always pick up on it.) Some people call it intuition. If it is then I think it is highly developed intuition. His appearance in my mind was always in pictures. Not words. He would sometimes ‘find out’ things about me, such as how I was feeling, through making this sort of contact. Once there was a huge sense of ‘understanding’ between us. Like he realised a ‘truth’ about me, which resonated with his own ‘truth.’ This is just the way I feel about it, as I haven’t had the opportunity to talk to him about it yet.
On remote viewing – I don’t know the ‘ethics’ of this, or whether there are any. I can picture people and what they are doing in my mind/heart/spirit. Sometimes they notice and put up a block, like pulling a blind down over a window. I’ve learned to do this myself for privacy. Sometimes a big concrete wall is necessary.
When I ‘feel’ other people ‘viewing me’ or ‘becoming aware of’ what I’m doing, or where I am, from a distance, (remote viewing?), it affects me and I will often stop what I’m doing. Often I’ll pray for love to go out to them. Sometimes I just allow time to feel aware of them. Open my heart to them. Accept that they’re there. I haven’t figured out entirely what to do with sexual thoughts.
About sleep… (or the lack of it)…
“It is OK now as we stopped calling it bad. If it were to go on for a few days we might experience exhaustion that would be called depression. We are OK now as we learned how to sleep which required that we reject what is true about sleep and rest for a processing PTSD body. When we were a non-processing PTSD body it was called being extremely successful.”
The above description makes sense to me, about exhaustion, and about depression. And yeah, it makes sense about being extremely successful, and not processing.
“It is hard to believe but the trauma was not as bad as the non-processing.”
Hmmm… maybe different ‘forms’ of ‘bad?’ I am starting to realise in my own life, that there is a sense that so many years passed, living a life that was not ‘genuine.’ Meaning, ignoring that part of me that experienced the trauma. However, maybe that part of my life was simply necessary at the time. Perhaps a measure of success was necessary to experience, to incorporate as part of myself so as to prevent myself from feeling utter failure, or feeling utterly destroyed, when it was time to look at the memories. There have been times when reminding myself of what I was capable of, and the things I’ve achieved in the past, brings me comfort in hard times. And reminds me of a part of me that was strong and in control.
I did not mention the ESP, remote viewing etc is bunk. It is like voodoo. A very smart Haitian man worked for me. He came in one day white. I called him into my office and he was ranting about the voodoo. He went on and on until spent. I then asked him who. He told me his wife and started ranting again. I asked him what she did. He ranted a bit and then told me that she cut up the seats of his car with a machete. I then said “you messed around on your wife didn’t you” he was stunned that I figured it out. No voodoo on my part nor his wife’s just both recognized the obvious signals. He was shaken up for a few days then it was in his past.
Many in the cults claim to be in MKULTRA and or the Illuminati. It just never adds up. A con is a con. It is really effective when the con believes the con which is the way with cults.
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There is much mystery in life. For me I stay away from those that explain to me that which is a mystery.
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“that there is a sense that so many years passed, living a life that was not ‘genuine.’
I have found after much work that when one of us starts to know of what others experienced it is all hazy and such. I seems like a went through my life in a daze. It is more of a daze for me processing than the trauma was.
When I process I often go through the feeling this is taking forever. We now trust that when we look back we will be amazed that we did it at all and that it really was quite fast.
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Every thing I have written here about the cults and programming is mechanics and context and is of limited value. I in no way imagine that this “knowledge” with solve anything. The letter that was sent to Faith by her mother and it’s effects can not in any meaningful way be analyzed other than by Faith. All that is important is what it means to her. I don’t even know if the effect of something like this will always have the same effect. All I know for sure is the pro’s that tried to limit my healing were incorrect./
Faith
Sometimes when I read your blog a part of me starts to feel safer, enough to feel an emotions that was locked away. I hope you are feeling more grounded and coming closer to place of peace.
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I cannot even begin to imagine how you deal with this stuff, but I just wanna say that the fact that you WANT to heal and blog through all this is completely inspiring. I think many people would be destroyed by bitterness and resentment. I know I am guilty of this for a lot less childhood abuse. You are a great role model for me to get over myself!!
Faith…you’re just amazing to me. The way you take control and do what needs to be done to heal all your selves…I’m just floored.
I don’t have adequate words to express my horror, my sympathy or my admiration. You’re incredible.