Taking a week off was just what I needed. I went to the beach with a friend and our two children. She had to leave after two days, which gave me lots of time for reflection as I sat on the beach while the children played in the waves.
I had some epiphanies during this trip, some of which involved myself and some that involved others. I slowly progressed back to a place of mindfulness – of feeling present in my own body at this point of time in my life. I had been in such a state of dissociation for most of the year that I had “forgotten” what it felt like to live in my body in the present moment.
I am at peace with my decision to cut off all contact with momster. My sister has been great about talking about other topics. We both have a lot going on in our day-to-day lives that don’t involve momster, and we focus on those topics when we chat. I am also at peace with another decision I made involving my ex-friend. I had the opportunity to open that door back up, but I decided to keep it shut. I need to move forward with my life, not backward, and I need to stay in relationships with people who are supportive of growth.
Throughout the year of mind f#$%’s from momster, my eyes were opened to some realities in my life that were bothersome. While I have remained aware of those realities, I am in a place of seeing them against the backdrop of the full picture rather than in a vacuum, which was how I was seeing them when I was wigging out last month. I recognize that some of these unpleasant realities are things I can live with at this time in my life. That doesn’t mean I have to live with them forever, but I also don’t have to react to every area in my life that isn’t exactly where I want it to be right now.
I also have a vision of who I am becoming and who I want to be. The theme of 2012 for me (outside of the mind f#$%’s from momster) has been the year of letting go. I am ready to let go of the anchor that keeps me bound to my childhood traumas. Of course, my childhood experiences are always going to influence my life, but they don’t need to be my focal point. I am ready to move forward into the next phase of my life, which does not revolve around the abuse I suffered as a child.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
I commend you on taking this step forward. I also had to cut ties with my momster, and it was very difficult to do but also very needed. Sometimes its better to cut ties w/relatives (especially those who were supposed to love and care for us) when they are toxic, and only bring us down or cause mass chaos inside or both.
I think you will find major growth once things have settled.
I think it’s a great idea to take time to reflect on decisions like that. It’s funny how there can be a crisis not long after taking them, but one often finds that they were right after all. I suppose the conscious mind tries to intrude, but given time it becomes clear that instinct was correct.
Hi Faith,
“I am ready to let go of the anchor that keeps me bound to my childhood traumas.”
That is huge. All the best in the moving forward into the next phase, a new beginning. It’s been amazing reading your story, and being here for this stage of your journey. You’ve been a wonderful help, and an inspiration in my life.
Thank you all. :0)
~ Faith
You are an inspiration. I hope that I will get to this point sometime soon.
“I recognize that some of these unpleasant realities are things I can live with at this time in my life. That doesn’t mean I have to live with them forever, but I also don’t have to react to every area in my life that isn’t exactly where I want it to be right now.”
Ah, this is something I’m trying to learn, a ‘pick your battles’ kind of thing. Wish I had learned it muuuuch earlier in life! I think we could all use a ‘week on the beach’, whether metaphorical or real, to give ourselves time to listen to our inner wisdom.
Glad to see you back Faith, and in a much better place than when you wrote your last series.
Hi Faith,
Looks like you are applying the skills of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), which helps people to find a reason to go on living and to try to have a life worth living. In DBT treatment people learn to cope with emotions and pain rather than avoid them by learning and using skills. I just started DBT’s 6-week program in Institute of Leaving (IoL, nationwise known place) after spending 1 month in IoL hospital. I am not able even to smile yet, but I see how people graduating this program not just smile, but laugh, it gives me a hope.
Sorry for the grammar and misspells – I still cannot concentrate, and my memory suffered substantially after ECTs (electroconvulsion therapy). I was told, it will tale some time for memory to recover; It is possible, however, I lost some memory for good.
Good for you Faith. I’m happy for you and excited about your moving on… Looking forward to whatever that brings.
Peace,
m