My name is Faith Allen. Like the lotus (water lily), my life began in the muck and mire of abuse. Through the healing process, I have found freedom from my past, and I have made it my life’s mission to make lots of lemonade from the lemons that life threw my way.
Like the lotus, I have found life beyond of the muck and mire of my beginnings. This blog is one way that I seek to bring beauty to the world, just like the lotus brings beauty to the surface of a pond. I want to encourage anyone who has been abused to know that you can find freedom, too. Your life does not have to be about your past — it can be about TODAY!
Warm wishes along your healing journey.
Feel free to e-mail Faith at faith_amom@hotmail.com.
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3/31/08 update: A woman named Faith Allen, who is also an adoptive mother and apparently a survivor of child abuse, has been in the news. She and I are not the same person. “Faith Allen” is a pen name that I chose because I had “faith” that God would help me survive the healing process. I chose Allen because my husband first chose that last name as a pen name, so I thought it would be cute to match.
+++++
8/30/08 update: I have added a blogroll to my site. If you would like to add your blog about recovering from child abuse to my blogroll, please email me the link at faith_amom@hotmail.com. I will add your blog to my blogroll if it is a good fit for my readership.
Blooming Lotus 
You Go!!!!! I am so proud to know you and so proud of you. You have so much to offer and this is an amazing way for you to do it.
I will keep you posted it. I am having more good days than bad and really working to be an advocate for me the way I have for others my whole life.
Take Care and Luv Ya – Lisa
I just added Blooming Lotus to my blogroll.
Thanks, Sandra!!
– Faith
Have a nice day !
My daughters name is Faith Allen, thought I’d let you know the similarity and that you chose a name that I did. I was googling her name, as a mom, that is concerned of what might be on the internet these days. I named her that for being a single mom when she was born. Naming a human being by myself with the want to give originality with meaning. Hoping she will always have Faith in the Lord. Faith being fidelity, forever lasting. I do cherish my precise gift God give to me 16 years ago and pray he does not take it away from me or before/without me. Keep the Faith!
Thank you for sharing that. :0)
– Faith
You are testament to how fearfully and wonderfully we are made. God gave us minds and spirits that can shelter our sacred souls against even the most heinous evil. And as you bring your entire self to experience His grace, bit by bit, you are building the most beautiful evidence of His power to overcome ALL. I have known you for decades, and I love you and believe in you and support you and admire you and respect you. You are amazing. Keep walking in the light, each step a step of faith. Beautiful are the feet that bring good news…even if it’s on a virtual path. :o)
Dear Faith,
Thank you for sharing your experience. It offers a level of validation I did not even know I needed.
I want to publish my story but I’m seeing how much programming went into me “never saying a word”. I’ve led a very surreal life including 12 years of military service. I want to raise awareness about RA, and its more popular institutionalized versions, and continue my healing process.
I’m low tech and still pretty terrified on some level of publishing. I like your use of the internet. I have alot to share about healing resources in the arts.
Any words of guidance?
Thanks again for your courage!
William
Thanks for your comment, William.
I would recommend starting your own blog here on WordPress. WordPress is easy to use, and you don’t have to get very technical if you don’t want to. Go to http://www.wordpress.com to get started. The service is completely free.
Choose a name for your blog. I chose faithallen.wordpress.com because I have been writing under this pen name for a long time on the internet. You don’t have to use a name. I could have named this bloominglotus.wordpress.com.
You can email me for more details. My email address is above.
Take care,
– Faith
Hi there,
Just want to say how great your blog is and its encouraged me to start my own on wordpress and start expressing what i should be!
You have been an insparation to me ! Thanks, simon
Heres my blog link!
http://kermitmuppet.wordpress.com/
I found your site on technorati and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. I just added your RSS feed to my Google News Reader. Looking forward to reading more from you down the road!
You are amazing. You’ve covered topics I never had the opportunity (and likely never thought) to approach with my own clients. And some I never thought about for myself. Am working my way through them now. Being able to share your insights into such topics shows how far you’ve come on your healing journey. Bless you for having this blog. It’s my favorite place to send survivors for more information on healing. Namaste.
I just found your blog and read your latest regarding Oprah’s show and the 1738 bill. I cannot stop my tears out of frustration and helplessness, I am praying that the bill will pass and that good people will awaken from their indifference. I have contacted my senator, I have spread the word, I have a little girl and I am so filled with hate toward these predators and toward those in power who can help and let other agendas in the way. The billions of $$$$ spent in war…. geez. There should be a war against this dark evil growing right on our homeland. Thank you Faith for your blog and circulating hope and light and passion to act. Children are not to be sacrificed indeed. What more can we do?
I love that you are making lemonade with the lemons life threw your way. Love to you
Thank you!!
– Faith
i dont know how this works so please leave a message where i can find, first your a hero and a walking angel, you bring light and courage whereever you go. but i notice theres only one site that talks about a very hard subject, animal rape and thats here, mine i thought was a very, very bad and unuasal case. all type of abuse imaginable and brutal, thats me. i only found your website last night so i dont know where what is. but i need some very much needed advice, im still a teenager and all this ended only two years ago but only lasted a year and a half ago. but now its hitting me so hard, im so ashamed and embarassed.considering what i went though i got lucky, first im alive(cant always say that though) and i dont havehuge promblems(well mabey) i know i go wierd and such and there might be somthing big but just dont know anyway piont it how can i get over this i seem to get some out by talking but no one i know isnt even close to my field but i dont say all . for exsample if you got beat, i can talk with you about. but some never gets brung up except for a friend a brother and a school nurse and only the nurse lets me talk for two seconds without saying overload i want to talk to people like me so badly i need some advise and sorry if this dont go though here i dont know this site please let others see this and come to the aid of a slowly mentaly detairerating kid.and two more things you should have links to other sites that are way hard to find(animal rape) you probily do but dont know the website and is it okay sometimes when i think of theses things i cant bring myself to cry i feel horrible but dont show no emotion but a sad look, okay im done just please get others to help talk to me, people like me, i already feel dumb and embrassed by this, praticaly begging, sorry once i get started i cant stop, have a good day and god bless you.
John Doe,
I just read your heartwrenching letter to Faith Allen.
I am praying for you. Please feel free to contact me.
back again to correct myself, i get worked up and not really type right it lasted a year and a half,but it was soooooo brutal, and i dont know the website, might come off has you dont know the site (that dont make since but still) and one more question since im here i got beat bad but he was smart about it, well everything he did was very careful but not to me hard to describe, is it possible that my family and friend notice but didnt say anything, the nurse says i was a great actor but how could they not know not that i acted weird in front of them just i dont know i feel they just should have known
Hi John Doe!
I am so sorry that you know that pain of animal rape. I am not sure why there are not many online resources for healing from animal rape.
A great place to talk about animal rape is over at Isurvive: http://www.isurvive.org. It is a message board for people who are healing from child abuse of all forms. I have talked about my experiences there, and others have talked about their experiences with animal rape as well.
I would recommend talking about the animal rape in the “Ritualized Abuse” forum because that is the forum where people talk about the most severe forms of abuse. However, it would also be appropriate to talk about animal rape in the Sexual Abuse forum or the “Stories” forum.
Just be sure to include a trigger warning in the title like this “*** animal rape triggers ***.” This warns people who are triggered by animal rape stories to be careful when reading your post.
I, too, wonder how the people in my life could not have known about my abuses. Of course, my mother knew since she was responsible. I think my father knew but didn’t want to know, so he just denied it. As for others, I don’t know how I could have been abused so severely for so long without anyone noticing. I suspect that some people did know but did not know what to do about it.
Hang in there.
– Faith
This is a wonderful place full of fantastic information. I am so glad that I found you as I relate to you so much! I have recovered from DID also, what an amazing journey, and it continues to be. I will be back!
Faith, I love your blog. I found an article recently that you wrote on ehow and it inspired a blog post. I have linked back accordingly. Keep up the good work!
🙂
BTC
Hi Faith, I’ve googled our name for a while and also want to adopt.
You seem like you know what is important in life, despite circumstance. This importance is happiness.
Well done for finding it.
Faith
Wow — Another Faith Allen!! Nice to meet you. :0)
Feel free to check out my professional blog about adoption: http://www.ouradopt.com.
Take care,
– Faith
I’ve just read your article on eHow, and decided to browse through your blog for the post you’ve mentioned!
I don’t want to say much about anything, as my mind still tries to process what I have just read!
Welcome to my blog!!
– Faith
Dear Faith,
Its CW here from isurvive. I deeply admire your courage and what you are doing with this site and your blog.
Thanks for crossing my path. You left a trail of light and wisdom behind for me to gaze on when the blinds go down on my soul.
Keep up this amazing work!
Welcome to my blog, CW!!
– Faith
Faith,
I just happened upon your blog, the posts I have read are incredibly transparent and honest, something I value. while my childhood was a happy one, I know that many others need resources like this to help them heal and find a ray of light in the darkness. There is no way that I can read many of your posts just because I feel that this site is for those that need healing and not for casual blog reading.
Blessings,
JasonTheBaldGuy
After a very physically and emotionally abusive childhood which left me with anxiety disorders, I went off to study spiritual disaplines which saved me. I returned 30 years later as no one would look after my parents who were about 90 years old. I returned to find that there were exactly the same. My father apologized right before he died, but my mother is still constantly running the same infuriating patterns on me bringing up a lot of old anger.
Your writing is delightful and so helpful! What kind of therapy helped you process the anger ?
My mother is lost in her mental and emotional trickery. I tryed to help her but she is obviously empowered in her ego by arguing and fighting off anything that would help.
Keep up the GREAT work!
Welcome to my blog, John.
Look on the categories list under Emotions. I have written about how I learned to process anger.
Take care,
– Faith
I added you to my blogroll. I felt it necessary to have a source of strength of positivity as I begin working through years and years of my own negativity.
Thanks for adding me to your blogroll. :0)
Wishing you peace along your healing journey.
– Faith
I put ‘Body Memory’ into Google this morning and your site came up. I think I’ve found somewhere to investigate my own suffering here. Counselling yesterday was a ‘biggy’ because of an overwhelming body memory that had linked up quite by itself with the most recent sexual abuse I have suffered. I had some swabs taken two days earlier followed by much pain and other stuff which released the memories.
Rohypnol – the devil’s drug. I thought I’d never get to the bottom of all this. I’m here for the duration. I know where I’m going. THANK YOU XXX
This is a warm place. Thank-you for your work here, and bringing people together in a healing space.
hi, just discovered your site- congratulations on your integration- we have a daughter who has been suffering for over 17 years, many treatments, many drs., many hospitalizations- not much progress- currently in crisis- looking for help again- who and what helped you? would you mind sharing this info? we would go anywhere just to find person/persons/hospitals. etc. who could be of help
thanks!
[…] About Faith Allen […]
Faith keep spreading the word. Not the good word, the hush hush ugly word that no one ever talks about.
I have followed child abuse cases for years, following is no longer good enough. A short time ago I started writing. My current search is a weeper with very little about the events published.
In May 2009, a 2 year old princess named Allyson Faith Allen was brought to a Mississippi hospital where she bravely fought for her life for 2 weeks before succumbing to the abuse done to her by an animal named Charles Zebedee Henderson AKA Xmoe Dragon (isn’t that special) his trial has been rescheduled for January.
God Bless you for surviving and talking about it.
i am allyson faith allen’s mom…. i just wanted to say that i appreciate who ever put this up about her… i want the world to know what that monster did to my beautiful angel.. this post says that his trial has been rescheduled for Jan 2010.. well we are still being postponed. our next date is for may 10 2010… please come show support for my angel and help ensure that this man will never get a chance to hurt another child
Thank you for this site. I have added it to my blogroll 🙂
Im 21 years old, I recently got married to the father of my 11 month old son and im a survivor of child abuse. the only person i ever told was my husband right after our son was born. I have a tremendous faith in god i believe that he was the only one who saved me and helped me get through it. i preocupied myself by helping other people and basically living at church. anyway. i was fine and now all of the sudden things are coming up memories and rage… i fear for my child even though i know he should be fine… but then again i should have been fine. i also struggled with the fact that i thought i was different because it was not a man who abused me, it was a female. ive been trying to get help but i feel very lost and though i know god is still with me i feel like its time to deal with this for me and my son and husband. like “john doe” said sometimes i feel like speaking to someone but i feel like i only get two seconds and then its overload, and i know my husband supports me and is all for me talking but i can see that it kills him and hes hurt and then it just makes me feel guilty. i would love someone to talk to. im currently in the process of seeing a therapist, but maybe if someone wants to talk with me i feel like i also can help.
im currently going to college to become a photographer and a child advocate. my blood boils when i hear stories about other children being abused. even more when there are people who know whats going on and choose to jst “stay out of it”
anyway. thank you for choosing to inform people. and i dont think people realize how hard it really is to get help….ive only gone to one therapy session, and i really want to deal with this and heal….. but its soo hard and i havent even been able to go to my second app.
well God bless you and your right about the change.
“be the change you wish to see in the world.”
i dont remember who said but they sure knew what they were talking about.
I found your blog by accident while researching rape cases…I am in tears after reading about the suffering that you and the others on here have lived through. As a mother of 2, I am appalled just thinking about the atrocities perpetrated against all those beautiful souls. You are incredible for sharing your stories and helping others to find peace and healing. God bless you!
hi faith,
i just wanted to say that i’ve been reading your blog for a few months now. it has been so, so encouraging to read your blog. it’s been a real encouragement to witness your walk with God and to continually see your dedication to healing and breaking the cycle. it’s been a huge encouragement during my own healing process. so much so i don’t even know what other word to use! hahaha. blessings to you!
[…] why would victims maintain contact with the abuser? Faithallen does it because it’s been told to her it’s her duty. I do so for the hope that someday my […]
I’m still working on getting over my abuse, by a older Bro! It was a major sexually abuse case, I remember being interview by every1 under the sun, 2 see how it affected my. Now I’m 29 years old this happen @ she 9. I have been married 11 years and still have many flash backs, some PPL think I use it as a clutch in my life, but I think some1 PPL really have no clue wtf happens 2 PPL when they’re abused. I don’t have children but when this happen as a child then every1 had 2 remind that it was such a bad thing and it could’ve gotten me pregnant that I think the emotional abuse I received from this experience was almost as bad as the sexual abuse that I wonder if that’s why my body refuses 2 get PG?some moments I love being with m husband and others it totally grosses me out and I think get crap away! How do you deal w theses moments!
celestia, I wouldn’t mind talking 2 you if you get t email from faith!
Faith do you think that is even possible that your body can refuse 2 conceive in a situation like that 4 being so traumas?
(sorry 4 the misspelled words)
Hi, pins.
Yes, I do believe that our bodies can refuse to get pregnant. I went through years of infertility treatments and eventually adopted my son. It wouldn’t surprise me if my inability to conceive is from the abuse because my doctors could not figure out why none of the infertility treatments worked.
– Faith
Faith where is your email address @ 2 contact you???
faith_amom@hotmail.com
Over the past couple days, I have been reading your story. I can’t even imagine this kind of horror. I just want to thank you for sharing, it must be incredibly hard to relive these traumas.
You are an inspiration.
Dear Faith Allen, I have watched your site for a while, and read some of the stories that so many brave courageous souls have written. In fact one story about someone only being able to have a orgasm while fantasising about their abuse totally threw me for a couple of days. I have worked hard to sort out the horrors relating to the abuse I was subjected to years, in a religious cult. I realised I then still had a long ways to go before I got to the bottom of things. My head feels in about 50 different places sometimes and yet I am trying to keep it on one path, the path to healing. I recently discovered an amazing website for people who had been abused in cults, the web address is http://friends-alive.com . I hope anyone else who has suffered extreme abuse in these evil groups can find help here and on the above mentioned site. Thank you for your honesty and warm heartedness Faith. Bless you.
You are an amazing inspiration to me. I come to your site over and over again to get help from your posts. They are simple and easy to understand. What a blessing to read your story and to hear how you have overcome. My past was not as traumatic as yours, but nevertheless it is traumatic enough that I have lost a great majority of it from my memory. Thank you for being willing to share this with others. When I first came here I had to read your story just in little bits at a time. It was very scary for me to read it. I can’t imagine having to live it. May God bless you as you continue to heal and seek him!
Faith
I’ve been a lurker here for a long time, but having read your ‘My Story’ posts of late, I really just wanted to say that you are courageous and very admirable. What you and your sister went through is unspeakable, but your eloquence and bravery here (and evidently in therapy) is amazing.
My thoughts are with you as you continue to explore things and to heal.
Very best wishes
Pandora
Thanks, Pandora. :0)
– Faith
It is strange that your blog’s name is Lotus. Because in my language it means hope (lootus). 🙂
For me the most difficult thing to do is to find a good therapist. I’ve had 5-6 psychologists (I’m not sure right now) and one psychiatrist. I even spent my winter holiday in psychiatry hospital, but I lied about myself a lot to get out of there as soon as possible. And I think my psychiatrist hadn’t had enough practice with these kinds of things so he didn’t notice that. My past doesn’t annoy me that much (far better than yourse), but I occasionaly have panic attacks and I faint when I can’t handle my emotions (they did every test they could but found nothing wrong with me). I’ve had only one good therapist but she is going to retire now and I have to find a new one. Do you have any suggestions how to find them?
I just wanted to stop in to thank you for talking about Breaking Free so much. I’d been looking for a bible study that might help me, and this is perfect. I just finished week 1, and it has already brought tears to my eyes.
Thank you again.
Hi, insaneheart09.
That Bible study has been life-changing for me. I couldn’t make it through the first time because it was too intense while I was in weekly therapy and having ongoing flashbacks. However, this time around was truly a life-changing experience. :0)
– Faith
How do you work through memories? I have a very difficult time working through or blogging about things I remember. It is an extremely painstaking process. And my mind will not even bring up blocked memories. In fact, I got so good at forgetting, I continue to do it at age 42, even a lot of good present stuff. When I blog a memory, there is sits. And here I hurt so much. Then what? What should come next? So I talked about it. Is that all? Should it get better from there?
Hi, heavenly place.
I will blog about this topic. It is too involved for a reply. :0)
– Faith
[…] About Faith Allen […]
I found your blog on google and read a few of your other posts. I just added you to my Google News Reader. Keep up the good work Look forward to reading more from you in the future.
I found your blog on google and read a few of your other posts. I just added you to my Google News Reader. Keep up the good work Look forward to reading more from you in the future.
[…] About Faith Allen […]
My wife of 23 yrs and bipolar and manic and ptsd and mult. pers. had slip of tongue and past biker life of many gang rapes and unwilling prostitution were hinted. I knew of biker past but not of the other. I think it explains the symptoms. Through the years counselors have told me I am severely codependent, but I cannot help her through this one. Many times she has laid her head in my lap and wished to die. We made it through that. But I cannot climb this mountain for her or turn back time.
[…] About Faith Allen […]
Hi, Faith! I am a 6th grade student, and I have read your story. I found your blog by searching up Dissociative Identity Disorder for a school project. Your words moved me, and I feel as if I am no longer the rather naive child I was before. I have to deeply and truthfully thank you, for letting me appreciate my monotonous life, of going to school, coming home, and sleeping. Thank you!
Hi, Vicki.
I am glad that my story moved you, but I am saddened that a sixth grader has been exposed to my story. I hope that you take away from my story that you can overcome any obstacles in life. I also hope that reading my story did not shatter too much of your innocence. You deserve to enjoy the innocence of childhood, and I hope you will allow yourself to do so.
– Faith
Vickie,
You’ve found probably the most honest website out there on the subject of child abuse. I am DID. Your ability to feel compassion rather than disgust towards survivors gives me hope that there is space in this world for for people like me to be accepted, not just by others like me, but by people who are “normal” like you.
@ Vicky- your comment to Faith brought tears to my eyes. To think that a young girl can offer such a deep sense of compassion and feeling for another’s suffering. We need more people in the world like you!
I agree that we need more people in the world like Vicky. :0)
– Faith
Breaking Free was an amazing Bible Study that helped me work through my dad’s suicide 7 years ago. I’m so glad you’re talking about it here.
Thank you so much for making this website… I have not seen one that is so honest and lays bare the ugliness of child abuse. I will be visiting here often.
just thank you… I am great with words and somehow can’t express how much finding your blog has helped me – even just in accepting there are many years of my life I’ve blanked out in order to survive.
Hi, psc.
Welcome to my blog! I am glad that it is helping you. :0)
– Faith
I was e-mailed your site. I normally read Emerging from Broken It is awesome. I read one of yours and explained me – the three of us. We like your blog and It maybe helpful to us.
Thanks
Renee and girls
Hi, Renee and girls.
Welcome to my blog! :0)
– Faith
I too have DID and was abused by both parents. Thank you so much for this blog. Your writing is wonderful and your insight is so helpful!
Hey 🙂
I was studying about dissociative indentity disorder & I stumbled upon your page & then spent hours reading your story.
I just wanted to say that I think you’re a very strong person 🙂 Hang in there 🙂 x
So my question is that if I am having a brief flash of an incident that happened when I was about 6. Is it real? I have been under a great amount of stress lately. We are moving and I am having great difficultly with the whole situation. I have a flash of my sister telling and showing me what she wants me to do – is this possible that maybe it really didn’t happen. I’ve had other flashes one I know is true – was a date rape when I was 19 – I always thought that was my fault for putting myself in that situation
Moving a little slowly, but finally got your site added to my blogroll on Variegated Vision at http://mollyjayne40.wordpress.com/ (please let me know if you have not received an email from me). Take care. Keep blogging! ❤ Mo
I am very new to blogging and have just discovered your blog and will probably be up for hours reading it. I will be adding it to my blogroll of you don’t mind. I have just starting writing a blog on my my past experiences http://startingmyjourney.wordpress.com/
Thanks
Jo
Hi Faith,
I just wanted to thank you for having the courage and strength to blog about your experiences. This is the first time I’ve come across such vivid descriptions from another female survivor of a female abuser. The country where I am from, we don’t have access to highly trained therapists, we don’t have access to resources about the long term effects on survivors or therapy groups. That’s because there’s still a strong culture of secrecy and shame surrounding this topic. I am grateful for your writing, it has helped me to understand a lot about why I am the way I am although your story is a forest fire compared to my candle if you know what I mean. Do you know of any other sites about female victims of female abusers? Also of female abuser who is not the mother of survivor? I have searched the web much but yours is the only site that I have come across that describes healing from such experience. I am only able to read,I do not feel comfortable to join any forums.
I thank God that your suicide plans/feelings were not successful. I thank God for your Guardian Angels Faye and Irate (and any others) inside of you that have helped you to survive and be strong enough to share your story with the world.
May God keep helping you with your healing Journey.
Thank you.
Faith you are truly doing a beautiful important thing here, you have so much strength when others have tried to make you weak it brings tears to my eyes. I did not suffer child abuse of any sort but had a confusing childhood which has lead me to your site. I sincerely hope you feel proud of what you are doing here because it can save lives. It saddens me so much when people who have suffered horrific abuse feel guilt and shame, you and others here will always be viewed by me with the up most respect and care. I wish you all peace and happiness.
“First Memory” by Louise Gluck
Long ago, I was wounded. I lived
to revenge myself
against my father, not
for what he was–
for what I was: from the beginning of time,
in childhood, I thought
that pain meant
I was not loved.
It meant I loved.
Hi, Amy.
I love that! Thank you for sharing it. :0)
– Faith
Hi Faith, thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to first of all survive, heal, and then tell people what you went through.
I am writing my story also, and it is taking a very long time. It has been quite a while since I have written, but maybe one day I will finish it.
Faith, I wish i could find helo in god, but all i think is if there was a god why did he let this happen to me… neway please read my blogs if u can i admire how strong u r! and how u have got through somthing so smiular to wat i cant… xx
Faith,
I have been following you blog for the last year and a half and I admire you strength and courage. Its something I wish I had even an ounce of. I have a story that I do not share and that has caused me to feel trapped in a world of flashbacks, disappointments and regrets. I am a mom of four that quite honestly is doing a horrible job. I am stuck in the nightmare of the past that I can’t enjoy the blessings that are in my life now. Oh how I wish I had your strength. I just want to say thankyou for being a survivor. I has taught me that I can’t give up even in my worst moments that there is hope of a better future.
God Bless you Faith
Hi, Rebecca.
When you are ready, you can heal, too. There is so much power in telling your story. I did it anonymously at first over at Isurvive: http://www.isurvive.org.uk/. I chose the screen name “Faith” (which is not my real name) and starting sharing my story a little at a time. After each flashback, I would write about it. It helped that I received lots of support from fellow survivors who had no idea who I am in my offline life.
To this day, I am still writing under a pen name, which frees me to be 100% honest. Every word I write is honest, but I don’t have to worry about my child’s teachers, my neighbors, or my husband’s clients reading them and associating them with me. You don’t have to “go public” in your offline life to heal.
– Faith
I’ve lurked here and there for a several months. How have I missed the “isurvive” organization. I’ve seen it mentioned by you in a few places this evening as I’ve went from page-to-page here on your blog. I guess, before now I wasn’t ready to ‘see’ or ‘hear’ abou it.
I’m hesitant to even check it out. I’ve been in a world of constant triggers and today being being the icing on the cake.
Thanks Faith for your courage and your wonderful ability to write and put the hard stuff out there for others.
Amen Rebecca!!
I’m right there with you.
Somehow need to ‘take the power’ away from even mentioning it. Let alone discussing it in therapy.
(((HUGS)))) to you and hope you’re on your way to healing.
Faith-
Thank you so much for your honest, courage and strength that you have given me. I’m sorry to say I read your story and my heart goes out to you. I love you as a survivor and I’m proud of your ability to healing yourself. I find it hard to heal sometimes but then I turn to your blog and I get the strength to go on. Others on this blog gives you what you need also so you don’t feel alone anymore. What a feeling. It’s difficult and I mean difficult at times but Faith you give me what I need to continue in my journey. I’m go glad I found you and this site. Everybody experience is different but the pain and anguish is the same. We hurt, cry and feel the betrayal just like our other survivors in this blog. I wish surivivng the hurt and betrayal was easier. I’m starting to feel the pain of everthing now. I wish I could just snap my fingers and it be gone. But I can’t. Oh, how the pain hurts. I want to do something about it but I feel trapped in doing so. My therapist is great but he isn’t there 24hrs a day like I need someone, who really understands this stuff better than you all do. Well I close on that. Thanks Faith for your honesty and this blog. Your the greatest. Really, thanks for helping us all to learn to be honest at least in the blog so we can get it out and talk about it, as difficult as it is.
Thumper
I found your blog Faith and I was so moved by your success in your struggle. I have demons I am fighting with currently, and I wanted to thank you for being strong and honest even though it is difficult. I’m so glad I found your blog and I’m so glad that you have the courage to share your story.
Blessed Be
)O(
~Fyre
Hi Faith.
I just discovered your blog today. I thought you might like to visit my blog as well.
Reach 4 Freedom: Heal Child Abuse Music Project:
http://healchildabuse.blogspot.com
It’s an award-winning blog that uses music energy dedicated to innovative and creative solutions to end child abuse & neglect in the world.
Peace!
Val Oliver
Thank you for sharing this resource.
You’re quite welcome mollyjane. You can stay in touch concerning developments with the project via my e-newsletter. I’ll be reaching out within the month concerning a special project to child abuse survivors who have written poetry or music about their experience. Please spread the word! — http://conta.cc/Pt5qel.
Dear faith. Would you mind sending me your email address again. I had it once. I am in a place where i want another veiwpoint regarding my own self and my therapy/ therapist.if my past actions and coping skills are “normal” . If you cant or are not comfortable w that it is okay. I do not feel comfortable posting it on isurvive or on your blog thanks. Malanie
Hi, Malanie.
My email address is posted above. I also just sent you an email from that account.
~ Faith
I was wondering, who is Reisha? I love the poem and was wondering if this is someone you know or someone famous or both : ). Is it ok to repost it somewhere?
Hi, Krista.
“Reisha” is a member name from isurvive.org. I don’t think she is active any longer. She specifically gave me permission to post her poem on my blog.
Since it is not my poem, I don’t feel comfortable granting permission on her behalf. That being said, anything publicly posted on the Internet is going to be republished (from a practical standpoint).
If you choose to share it, I recommend that you provide a link back over to this blog so people can see the source. :0)
~ Faith
Hi Faith,
I have nominated you for a Reader Appreciation Award. Here is my post: http://heartjunky.wordpress.com/2012/06/04/reader-appreciation-award-from-kevin/
Cyber Hugs and Thanks for Being.
Hi, underground.
Thank you so much! :0)
~ Faith
Hi Faith:
I just added your blog to Gift From Within’s Facebook page. http://www.facebook.com/groups/18763227306/
Appreciate all that you do. Joyce
**triggers**
Hi Faith,
I am not a survivor — at least, I don’t think I am. And I don’t know where to post this. But I have some disturbing half-memories, experiences and current behaviors that scare me:
The first memory I have is with my brother when I was little, maybe 5 or 6? I can’t remember exactly. He would’ve been 9 or 10. We were in his room, on his bed and he showed me his penis. He told me his (the penis’) name was Bert. I remember touching it and being surprised by how soft it was, but nothing else.
When I was a little older (7 or 8?) my brother found a picture of a naked man in my dad’s desk. **I found out (much later, when I was 15) that my dad was abused by his father, though he maintains, even now, that was a consensual sexual relationship. That relationship started when he was 15 and lasted until his late 20s or 30s. Then he started having affairs with men, though married with 6 kids, and eventually contracted AIDS. He always tried to keep all of it a secret, but we always found out. And he continued his relationships with different men even after he nearly died due to delayed disclosure and treatment of his disease. He was also arrested several times for having sex in public places**
I remember being in 4th (5th grade at the latest) and drawing explicit sexual pictures of men/men and men/women having sex and performing oral sex on each other in lots of different positions. I used them like pornography and would masturbate to them. What I don’t understand is how I knew that much about sex in the first place? From then on, I masturbated a lot and often thought having sex with my male teachers when I did.
There is no specific age on this memory, but I remember my dad walking around in his underwear, robe or very short shorts without underwear underneath. He would sit in the chair and his robe would be open or the shorts would ride up and expose his genitals. My mom would always yell at him to cover up but he always laughed it off like it wasn’t a big deal. Almost like it was fun to get caught.
When I was 15 (after I found out about my dad) I was in the pool with my second cousin who was 3 years older. We had been drinking and he chased after me and held me really close to him and started grinding his pelvis against mine. Then he started rubbing me over my suit, then under it, and finally fingered me. I stroked him. It felt good but I knew it was wrong. I can’t say he raped me because I didn’t say no and I was definitely old enough to know better. That just makes me feel more guilty and ashamed. We stopped right after that. When we got out of the pool he apologized to me.
I had a lot of one night stands and was pretty promiscuous in my teens/20s. Now, at 25, I am in a relationship but don’t enjoy loving sex. I can only climax if I’m fantasizing that I am being raped, cheating or doing something deviant; imagining that I am having sex while other men are watching/masturbating; or am being talked to/treated like a slut. My boyfriend doesn’t know any of that though. He thinks I like the loving sex and I let him believe it, even though I’m thinking about other things when we have sex.
I’m afraid that there is something more that I can’t remember, but even more afraid that there isn’t and I’m just sick and disgusting. I’m in therapy now for other reasons but am too afraid to say anything about these memories/ experiences because it’s probably nothing. Or worse, it’s just a lot of examples of me being a disgusting slut, without ever having experienced abuse of any kind. I’m so confused.
Mandy,
you started out with **triggers” and then stating you are not a “survivor.”
It would be good to go back and rethink that statement. Everything you do remember here is indicative of “sexual abuse.”
I would suggest finding a really good therapist – one that specialized in CSA (childhood sexual abuse)
Feeling confused is very normal and understandable for all that you are having to deal with. Keep reading here as well. You will learn a lot and find that you are not alone in all that you are going through.
Hope this helps some.
Thank you so much for sharing! I am dealing with the fallout from my abuse NOW…it happened 40 years. I wish that I could do something to help those who are younger than myself to avoid the same mistakes that I have made. So much wasted time, tears & agony. Why do I crucify myself over this- as if a 5 yr has any control over anything? The shame belongs to the adult who did it. I have forgiven,but will never forget. I am trying to learn to live in the now.
Until recently, I have done everything that I can to avoid it by boxing it up, hiding from it, self-medicating with food, & trying to make my own self-destruct happen without taking down those that I love. I have done it all – except acknowledge how it has affected me. I am doing that now, with God & my husbands help, I am determined to NOT let this define me as a person anymore. I am not a lesser being, I am a child of God. I am not defective, I have been hurt and the results of avoiding it are evident. Childhood sexual abuse is horrible, it leaves behind such deep wounds. You give me hope that I will heal and gain the peace that I need. Thank you so much!
There’s someone I really love who have multiple personalities, and I’m extremely worried about this person’s past, about if it was his/her family or stranger(s) who abused. I’m scared to death that he/she maybe was tortured/raped, and I feel extreme violence, extreme anger, I can’t take such an strong anger but/and I wish this anger too, as it triggers me deeply to do something for the sake of it’s satisfaction, I need this satisfaction. But who did it to him/her? who’s the monster? I’ve suffered deeply…. when I think about him/her going through what I have or worse, I develop the willing to go really down on any dirt for the pleasure of revenge. Anger is the only feeling I know that makes me able to get at that level. I just can’t take it. This person doesn’t remenber the suposed trauma, I’m fucking afraid it’s somewhere still in his/her mind.
There’s too much pressure in human world for crimes to be avoided. Pressure from stupidity, disgust, revenge and specially: pervertion. Cure isn’t only talking about love! it’s more likely to do not work entirely. True cure is: To eliminate human’s brain capacity to be peverted / to make emotional negative associations with reality. That would FUNCTION. Pervertion is a mammal capacity….. I call it programation’s error, inherent to evolution’s process, it’s the subproduct from when the really superior features are fighting to raise…. I don’t know if they may not raise though, because nature created the evil. If we can understand evil, we can also have the natural right and maybe, even the natural ATTRIBUTION / RECRUITMENT to KILL it. Do you know why? cause some people in the world (I don’t know how many they are) belong to a certain level of responsability, where you are able to intervene in nature, we are suposed to raise powerfull against our worses nightmares, ironically…. it’s natural…. We may extract, thanks to nature, the rights and wrongs from nature it “self”, under moral system, because under moral system we DON’T SUFFOCATE EACH OTHERS, and still can look forward to PROGRESS!
Hi:
I know you said you have crazy stuff going on in your life right now, but I am wondering if I can write you and maybe you can respond when you have a chance. I did not know where to put this comment. I am dealing with integration (read some of your stuff on integration) and I am finding it to be very painful. I am emotionally in a lot of pain. I also physically in a lot of pain (my doctors are testing for everything – nothing yet). Were you in physical pain while integrating? My therapist believes that is part of it. I am also so sad all of the time. Some parts keep blending together on and off and I can’t tell who is talking which is stressing me out.
My therapist leaves for California to a new treatment center (my own center is opening a new one in California). I intend to go out to California too (I have safe people there) but I cannot go until next year. I am so worried about a therapist in the meantime. So very worried. She is trying to find me one but I don’t know what to do. Switching therapists during the integration process does not seem too kewl.
Thanks.
dbw
So glad to have found you on here! Really looking forward to reading more. If you would like to add my blog to the blog roll then I can email it over to you. I would be honored. Sending love and sunshine on your inspiring healing journey. X
Faith,
I am so thankful for you for sharing your story. I know first hand how hard that first step can be, and I remember the fear I felt – coming out so to speak about my past. Worried about what others might think of me – etc. But it is only because we live our lives in the shadows that the abuses continue – simply because we hide it so well from those around us – they do not see the signs to help.
When I wrote my book – many of my friends (that knew me as a child) were shocked about my past – they had no idea, and then they were saddened, if we only knew we would have helped, was a common theme. But again, I hid my life – so no one could help me.
I strongly urge those readers that have endured abuse – talk about it – share it with others, if you are currently in an abusive situation – seek help, keep seeking help until someone hears you.
Thank you again Faith for this beautiful – uplifting website.
Melody
Author of I Love You Baby Girl
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B27Y6HI