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Archive for the ‘Control’ Category

I talked with an offline friend on Friday who has been along for the ride for several years. She knew instantly that something was “wrong” when she sent me an email about something fun and I didn’t respond. (Yep, she knows me well!)

We got together on Friday afternoon, and I filled her in on what had triggered me. She said she doesn’t think it was only that, and after hearing her theory, I think she is right. She thinks my issue runs deeper – that it’s all about feeling out of control – and that this has been simmering for a couple of months.

Hub has been home on a leave of absence from work for two months (he returns to work this week). Since I work from home, my schedule has been all out of whack (which is one reason I have been so spotty about blogging over the last couple of months). My son’s asthma, which the doctor had hoped he had finally outgrown, flared up on March. I had an endoscopy a couple of weeks ago, where I was put under light sedation (I don’t remember large parts of the rest of the day). All three of these situations have caused so much of my life to feel out of control, and despite how hard I have been working at letting go, it’s still hard.

For me to feel comfortable in letting go, I need to ground myself. I have several tools I use to ground myself, but I have had limited access to all of them over this period. It’s hard to do yoga (deep breathing) when my sinuses and esophagus have stomach acid “burns” in them. It is also hard to have the privacy to do yoga and meditation with hub underfoot. I haven’t been able to stick to my schedule with constant interruptions by hub and multiple doctors’ appointments for my son and me.

On top of that, my illnesses combined with more energy needing to be poured into hub and child have interfered with my connectedness with Sunday School, Bible Study, and spending time with my girlfriends. I am making less money because I cannot do as much work with so many disruptions to my work schedule, so I cannot afford to get a massage or Reiki session (nor do I have the time). I also feel nurtured by blogging, but that’s had to go on the backburner because of all of these other issues.

I am hopeful that hub’s return to work this week will help. My son and I are also taking a trip to the beach with my sister and nephews. I have extended the trip to six days so I have time to unwind with fewer responsibilities.

Photo credit: Hekatekris

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This week, I have been exploring my strong need to be in control of the situations in my life and how to dismantle this need for control. I received lots of great advice yesterday – please keep it coming!

I don’t want to have to feel responsible for so much in my life, and I certainly don’t want the responsibility that comes with being in control of so many things. So, I put some thought into why I do this since control is not something that I want in and of itself. The answer came to me during yoga and meditation – I try to take control to help me feel protected and safe.

When abusers were in control of my life as a child, I was neither protected nor safe. I thought that, if I was in control, then I would be both protected and safe. Now, taking control has become my go-to reaction whenever I feel unsafe. OK – That’s progress. At least I understand the trigger that leads me to take control.

So, rather than telling myself “don’t judge anything” and “don’t take control,” which isn’t working very well, I am changing tactics (and will probably continue to change tactics as I consider all of the wonderful advice that all of you are providing!).

I started thinking about when and where I feel protected and safe in my life even though I am not in control. My first thought was my friend’s house. We have been friends for almost 10 years now, and she was my go-to friend during the therapy years. My son and I hang out with my friend and her daughter every Saturday at her house, and I am always very relaxed while we are there. I realized that this is because I feel protected and safe, even though I am not in control.

I also feel protected and safe at my church and when I am at the gym even though I am not in control. That tells me that it is possible for me to feel protected and safe without having to seize control of the circumstances. (I also used to feel protected and safe when I traveled, but that all blew up last week. I’ll write about that situation in another blog.) So, it is possible for me to feel relaxed while not in control, but just writing that is triggering me – clearly parts of me are not ready to do that.

I have been working again on mindfulness and staying in the moment. For example, because of what I just wrote, I feel triggered. In reaction, I am taking deep breaths, and I am analyzing the facts of my present situation. At this moment, I am completely safe. I am in my home office in front of my computer with a full stomach (just ate dinner). I don’t have to worry about whether or not I will be unsafe at a future moment. Right now, in this moment, I am completely safe. So far, this has been helping me bring myself back down.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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As I shared yesterday, I am in a difficult place of healing. I am feeling a strong pull to let go of the need to be in control all of the time and to stop making myself feel responsible for everything that goes on around me. For someone whose life has always felt out of control unless I took charge, that’s a very tall order.

I know exactly how and why I grew into a control freak. As a child, I could not trust those who were in charge because they were either abusive or, at best, negligent (such as my father and grandparents, who did not abuse me but also did not stop the abuse). When my father died (during my senior year of high school), having my mother/abuser in charge of my money (college tuition) was pure hell, and I swore to myself that I would never let anyone else control my pocketbook again. So, I completely understand how I got this way and am not beating myself up for the choices that I have made up until this point. However, I do feel the need not to live the rest of my life this way – in reaction to my childhood.

A friend had some interesting advice about letting go of control. I told her that I know what I need to do (let go of being in control) but now how to do it. Her observation was that having to be in control ties into judgment – judging different events as “good” or “bad.” For example, my luggage not arriving at my destination until 10-1/2 hours after I did was simply a fact. I am the one who made the judgment that not having my luggage arrive on my flight with me was a “bad” thing.

However, I don’t have the first clue about how to remove judgment from events that happen around me. Right now, I have no personal income despite the fact that I have two part-time jobs. (Don’t worry – hub provides amply for necessities. This is “my” money to spend however I want without hub getting a say in how I spend it.) Both jobs are adjunct education positions, and neither one has work for me until the end of August. This is simply a fact, but I judge it as “bad” because I want an income and really hate the thought of having none for a month.

My guess is that my friend would say that I could choose to view this hiatus as a “good” thing because it is a reduction in my responsibilities. It p@$$es me off, though, because I did not choose this hiatus – it happened out of my control. That makes it hard for me to view this as a “good” thing.

My understanding is that some faiths (Buddhist, maybe??) recommend removing judgment of anything being “good” or “bad.” By removing the emotional attachment to what happens, you find freedom from what happens. I am not quite sure how to do that, though. Any suggestions?

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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My son and I just returned from our trip across the country. We were gone for over a week, and I did not access the blog at all while we were gone. So, please bear with me as I approve comments in the moderator queue, etc.

In a nutshell, here is what is going on with me…I had a full-fledged panic attack/meltdown at the beginning of the summer. I still do not know exactly what triggered it, and I also have not fully recovered from it. My therapist thinks I don’t nurture myself enough, which is true but not enough to explain the intensity of the breakdown.

I have felt a strong pull to let go of feeling so responsible for everything around me and try to let go of the need to be in control all of the time. The problem is that so many things keep going wrong when I do let go of the control. For example, our flight got delayed due to mechanical issues, causing us to miss our connection across the country. The airline put us in a hotel and said that arriving one hour before our replacement flight (a 6:00 a.m. flight – oh, joy!) would be plenty of time. It wasn’t. We barely made our flight, and my luggage missed it. Don’t even get me started on the inconvenience of being sleep-deprived with no luggage, sunscreen, etc. I even had to buy my kid a change of clothes.

My personal rule is to arrive at least two hours before a flight, but I chose not to “be in control” and trust the expertise of the airline personnel, which also equated to getting to sleep until 4:00 a.m. instead of having to get up at 3:00 a.m. (neither of which would have been necessary if the d@#$ed flight had not been delayed). If I had just followed my own instincts, I wouldn’t have been so panicked trying to check our baggage and get through security before the flight left, and my luggage would have arrived with me.

That’s just one example, but you get the point. So, this whole “letting go of control” thing isn’t working out very well so far, but I also feel a strong pull to do it. I simply don’t know how. More on that tomorrow…

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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