Archive for the ‘Exhaustion’ Category

Yesterday, I shared the two main reasons that I have been feeling “off.”  Sadly, there is still more.

This year, I have been part of a team for a project that I care about very much, and the team has members with very different views on some topics. While the whole point of having a team (versus just doing it yourself) is seeing the same issue from different perspectives, the process of trying to reach consensus can be draining. Also, because I (and most of the other teammates) care so deeply, the process has been emotionally draining at times.

I did not knowing going in that I was taking on a project that would go on for months. I naively believed this would be a three-week commitment. (In fairness, I don’t think anyone else on the team realized this either.) This has now stretched into months with no end in sight. I am committed to the cause, as is everyone else on the team. It’s just not the best timing for me to be taking on a new and sometimes time-consuming project when I am dealing with health issues and hub being at home. I do think with my health issues turning around and hub returning to work next week, the time pressures will ease.

Then there is the lack of connectedness with my girlfriends. I am not saying it is any of their faults, and in fact, one is persistently making the effort to get us together, and that has been a lifeline in recent weeks. With hub home and cutting into my work time, I have had less time to nurture myself through time with my girlfriends since I am having to use time that I would have spent with my girlfriends to keep up with my work schedule. My book club has been near impossible to pin down to meet, so I guess that is on hiatus until the fall. My Bible study ended for the summer, and I chose not to commit to a summer one since my time has been so limited lately. For one reason or another, I keep having to miss Sunday School.

The net result is that I am feeling cut off from all that energizes me – my blogging, my readers, my girlfriends – and working double duty with family interactions. Don’t get me wrong – I love my family, but interactions with them are mostly one-way with me doing the giving. At some point, I need to fill my own cup to have something left to give, and I have been running on empty. I am hoping some of this will turn around once hub returns to work, and I can return to my own schedule (just in time for school to let out, of course).

This is life, and I will get through it. It’s just hard, and I really miss my readers!

Photo credit: Hekatekris

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I have been feeling “off” for a while now, and I do believe there are a number of factors responsible for this. It’s been an “off” year so far, and I am soooo ready for my life to settle into some semblance of “normal.”

At the top of my list would be my health issues. As my regular readers know, I have been sick quite a bit this year. I had an endoscopy last week and was diagnosed with a small hiatal hernia as well as GERD. I am waiting for biopsy results of tissue from my esophagus, NOT for cancer (the doctor saw nothing that looked cancerous) but to determine the extent of the tissue damage to my esophagus.

Unless something surprising comes in, I can control my issues by eating a more balanced diet (fruit or veggies with each meal and avoid spicy & greasy foods). My doctor also gave me a prescription for medication to settle the reflux down when it flares up, and he wants me to take the meds proactively over the holidays since I seem to get very sick each year in January right after the holidays. Through dietary changes, my stomach is doing fine right now, so hopefully this part of my life is improving.

Then there is the hub factor. Hub has been on a medical leave of absence from work since the beginning of April and returns next week. It’s nothing life-threatening, but he did need the leave. I have gone from seeing him an hour a day for 20 years to having him around ALL THE TIME, and it’s been quite an adjustment, especially since, to him, having me around means me taking care of him. I work from home, so it’s been a challenge.

One the hardest parts for me has been having limited time to blog. I work ~ 20 hours a week for my job (from home) and then blog in my extra time. I have had no extra time with hub always around, and I miss blogging. I feel like blogging about healing from child abuse is my main “purpose” on this earth, and I am being kept from my purpose. I miss interacting with my readers, and I miss the energy and sense of purpose I get from blogging. I am hoping to get back to a regular blogging routine once hub returns to work because I need it.

More tomorrow…

Photo credit: Hekatekris

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I saw the Ears, Nose, and Throat expert (ENT) on Tuesday and had a CT scan performed. The ENT found no issues with my sinuses at all. He said that 90% of reported sinus issues do not originate in the sinuses. He doesn’t doubt there is something “wrong,” but it is not sinus-related. His speculation is migraines.

I was beyond frustrated because I just want to feel better, and it’s hard to know how to feel better when you don’t know what’s wrong with you. I went through this with my infertility. I was told over and over again that there is no medical explanation for why I haven’t eventually gotten pregnant through numerous medical procedures. Nevertheless, 16 years have passed without me ever getting pregnant. (Trust me – pregnancy is the LAST thing on my mind these days.)

I took a step back and thought about what could be causing the sinus pain and headaches. I started noticing just how much stomach acid I have churning. I suspect some of the pain is coming from reflux, which has been an ongoing issue for me. When I first started therapy, I lost my voice a few times. It took a while for me to recognize that reflux was kicking up my stomach acids and tearing up my vocal chords.

I don’t see reflux as a cause, though – it’s a symptom of stress. Yes, I have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), but my stress goes well beyond that. I starting thinking about the last 15 months of my life, some of which I have shared and some that I haven’t. Just on the list I have shared includes …

  • Breakup up 9-year friendship
  • Cold/sinus infection (Jan through Feb 2012)
  • Emotional meltdown over summer – never determined exact cause
  • Issues with special needs child
  • Sinus infection that went into vertigo (Dec 2010 through Feb 2011)
  • Stressful, low-paying (was promised more than I was paid), part-time job that I have since quit

I haven’t shared about issues I have been dealing with that involve supporting others in my offline life since those issues are not mine to share. The big picture is that three people I am close to are dealing with lots of anxiety related to economic issues. I also have two people I am close to dealing with health issues. Being strong for others eventually takes its toll.

I think the bottom line is that I am just plain worn out. I have been running on empty for so long that I don’t even remember what it feels like not to be running on empty. I am not quite sure how to get out of this hellish place. I have prayed, cried, tried to take time for myself, etc., but at the end of the day, I am still trying to be a rock for too many people with too little time to recharge my own batteries.

Photo credit: Hekatekris

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