It was like a light bulb went off in my head, and all the puzzle pieces fell into place. My mother’s letters triggered this reaction in me. She had activated programming to return to her (and presumably the cult), but the healthy part of myself was resisting the pull, putting me into internal conflict that had been battling it out for months. That’s why I haven’t been able to sleep, why I overreacted and felt out of control, why I had reflux all year (I booked the flight to my sister’s graduation, where I thought I would see my mother, on January 6 and was incapacitated by reflux within two weeks.)
For the first time in a while, I felt sane. All of my actions and reactions had seemed so illogical all year, and THIS made sense. I was having a very logical reaction to defying the programming. My subconscious viewed the broken foot as punishment for my defiance as well as “breaking” the child, and the timing of my mother’s card arriving the day before receiving this news sealed the connection in my head. (Yes, I know logically that the broken foot has no connection to the letters, but the traumatized alter part believed this to be true.)
I immediately called my friend, and she said it all makes sense. She said that X, Y, and Z had seemed “weird” to her but that this explanation addressed all of what she had seen as “off.” She also said that even though she has never met my mother, she really hates her for doing this to me.
I did not have alone time to begin processing all of this until Wednesday evening. I identified three areas I need to address in priority order:
- Dismantle the programming by healing the wounded/traumatized part of myself that was programmed.
- Process the reality that my mother continues to be a threat.
- Address what is going on with my sister.
I only had the energy to begin focusing on the first priority as I laid down to sleep. I have always processed healing alter parts as I lay in my bed at night. I invited that part to come out and took the same steps that I also do to heal alter parts, only I was much more thorough since this part is so much more wounded.
I repeated ~ 100 times, “I love you. You are safe. I am sorry they hurt you.” I did deep breathing as I did this. I told this part that I WILL NOT OBEY the programming but that the part did not have to be afraid – I will keep her safe. Obedience to the programming will not keep her safe, but being loved and accepted by me will. I could feel the alter part tentatively trying to integrate.
Photo credit: Hekatekris