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Posts Tagged ‘child prostitution’

This week, I have been writing about my epiphany that the ritual abuse I suffered likely had less to do with satanic worship and more to do with protecting a kiddie porn ring. While coming to terms with having been a victim of a kiddie porn and child prostitution ring has been challenging, some wonderfully powerful messages have come out of this experience for me.

The most powerful message I have taken away is that my child abusers were human. They were not “monsters” or “demons” with supernatural powers. They do not have any mystical powers from “Satan” to track me down and silence me if I ever tell. In fact, look how much I have shared about my ritual abuse over the past couple of weeks. I have yet to burst into flames.

I was very triggered when writing my posts about the ritual abuse. This is because of the terror that my child abusers instilled in me as they were dressed in black robes and tormenting me around a bonfire at midnight. However, their scare tactics did not succeed in silencing me. I pushed through the fear and have shed light on ritual abuse issues that others need to know about.

Now, I recognize that these were not all-powerful “monsters” but fallible and weak human beings. They allowed the power of the almighty dollar and their own sick perversions to override their own humanity. How a person could “sell” an innocent child’s body to be used and abused will never make sense to me.

What does make sense is that these abusers were only human, and I can defend myself against another human being. I am no longer a little girl who is battling people who are 3-4 times my size. I am a grown woman who has the power to fight back. I cannot express how incredibly empowering this realization is to me.

I have not felt this safe in decades. I am so grateful to have pushed through the lies and to have the ability to see my abusers for the weak people that they were. They were not monsters – they are mere mortals.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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In my last blog entry, I asked Are Cults Really Covers for Kiddie Porn and Prostitution Rings? I believe that, in my situation, the answer is yes. This might not be true in all cult situations, but I do believe that this is the case in mine. My intuition is screaming that this is the case, and my sister’s memories back it up as well. So, I am in the process of trying to wrap my mind around this latest piece of my life puzzle.

I am handling this new information surprisingly well. Honestly, I feel much more comfortable with coming to terms with falling victim to a kiddie porn and child prostitution ring than I did having to accept that I had been “raped for Satan.” Satanic ritual abuse is so “out there” and sounds so unbelievable. The greed involved in making money off little kids’ bodies is, unfortunately, very believable. It is much easier to wrap my mind around kiddie porn and child prostitution than devil worship.

That being said, it is still hard to face the reality of being a victim of kiddie porn and child prostitution. I already suspected the kiddie porn part. My memories of animal rape involved a camera, and I have another memory of being tied to a bed naked with lots of pictures being taken. There are other memories with cameras as well. I suspected that at least the animal rape pictures were sold as kiddie porn, so I have already come to terms with the reality that there are pictures out there somewhere of me as a child being raped.

The child prostitution angle is new, though. The thought of my hymen being auctioned off is tough. I was only seven years old when that was taken from me. It sickens me to think of some man paying who knows how much money to do that to a seven-year-old child, doubly so since I have a child of that age and appreciate just how young a seven-year-old child is.

I feel heaviness inside when I think about this, but I have not been able to cry about it yet. However, for the most part, it is not rocking me as I would expect it to. Perhaps my belief in reincarnation has helped with this. I do not see my body as a part of me but, instead, as my “earth suit” for this go-round in this lifetime. Neither my soul nor my spirit are a part of the pictures, and my rapists never got a hold of me. My body is not who I am.

Related Topic:

Trauma Tuesday: Raped by Santa Claus??

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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Are cults really just covers for kiddie porn and prostitution rings? That is the question that I have been pondering all week, ever since I read the article The Dirtiest Secret Behind Child Abuse. The author is a therapist, ritual abuse survivor, and has healed from dissociative identity disorder (DID). She has heard many ritual abuse stories as well as experienced her own, so she knows what she is talking about.

She talks about how “sophisticated” pedophiles will dress up like Santa and rape a child. That way, if the child ever tells or recovers memories in the future, nobody will believe her. I know several child abuse survivors who experienced this kind of abuse, being raped by someone dressed up as Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, or even Jesus.

Then, the author asks …

So why wouldn’t organized child porn groups dress up in robes and wear devil masks and provide other surrounding paraphernalia to share their love of child molestation?

That question hit me hard, and it caused me to think about my own memories and experiences. Could the black robes around the bonfire really have just been for my benefit? Could it all have been smoke and mirrors to mask a kiddie porn ring?

And then the pieces of the puzzle started rapidly falling into place. I have numerous memories of being photographed during the abuse. I find it triggering when lights flicker because it mimics a flashbulb, and the sound effects of a camera taking rapid pictures is very triggering to me.

I thought about the time that my sister and I showed up “early” and had to wait around in our nightgowns in a room filled with adults. It was some sort of log cabin or lodge. Everyone (mostly men) was drinking and laughing, fully clothed, while my sister and I wandered about confused with the men looking at us and laughing. That memory never made sense as a prelude to a cult ceremony, but it makes perfect sense if a price was being set.

I also wondered about why my sister was raped when I was not for the first several cult meetings. She had been raped previously by a babysitter, but I still had my hymen. If the goal was just to have some sort of bizarre ceremony, then why protect my hymen? I suspect the answer is that my hymen was very valuable and was auctioned off to some pervert who wanted to be my first rapist.

I ran this theory by my sister, and she agrees with it. In fact, it made a memory of hers fall into place. She remembers being blindfolded, raped, and then hearing, “Your debt has been paid,” said to one of the cult members. She knew that her body had paid off that debt.

I always assumed that all of robed people were cult members, but what if some of them were johns? What if it was never about “satanic worship” and all about kiddie porn and child prostitution?

Related Topic:

Trauma Tuesday: Raped by Santa Claus??

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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