Posts Tagged ‘contact from abuser’

After I wrote yesterday’s blog entry, I felt better just getting the anger out. I noticed that my shoulders were incredibly tense (go figure!) and did some yoga. I had planned to pray and then do meditation, but I did not get that far. Instead, I started to cry … and cried and cried while I rocked myself like a child. That moved into a trauma-induced shaking fit that lasted for five or six minutes.

From there, I yelled at G*d for a while, expressing my deep anger at the unfairness of it all – my childhood, my bondage to my mother/abuser and her ability to trigger me like this, G*d’s supposed love for her that is supposed to equal His love for me (based on what I hear at church), etc. I just let it all pour out.

After that ended, I stayed curled up on my side on my yoga mat and continued to cry. As I did, I thought about how tired I am of being other people’s “collateral damage.” My father didn’t want to break up his marriage or have it go public that his wife sexually abused his daughter, so I was the collateral damage in his choice to do nothing. My sister didn’t want to prevent our mother from coming to her college graduation, so I was the collateral damage – having to deal with several weeks of triggering (before, during, and after the graduation) to be a part of my sister’s celebration.

Other people seem to view me as “strong enough,” “nice enough,” or “accommodating enough” to s@#$ all over me as collateral damage because they don’t want to do the right thing. It’s easier to throw me under the bus than it is to take a stand for what is right.

I would never in a million years ask my child to suck it up and interact with someone who traumatized him. I would act as a shield on his behalf, and I would never put him in the position of having to miss out on something positive (like being part of a loved one’s big day) because I didn’t want to hurt the feelings of a child abuser.

I don’t understand this pattern of throwing me under the bus to keep the peace, and I am finished with it to the extent I have the power. I am finished with trying to be the bigger person, trying to see my mother/abuser’s point of view, trying to be kind to her, trying to “honor” her (as prescribed by my faith), and basically finished with s@#$ing all over myself just because she is unhappy with this arrangement. If she had not raped me, and if she had not driven me to numerous other people to be repeatedly raped, then she wouldn’t be in this position today. I am not the person who created this situation – she is. I am sick to death of trying to force myself to be OK with my abuser contacting me when I am not. I’m done.

From now on, I am taking my friend’s advice. Any contact to me will be burned and thrown away without entering my house. Any letter to my child can be opened to look for money or a check and then must be thrown away outside of the house. I would send her another “Back the f@#$ off” message, but that clearly doesn’t work with her – it will only encourage her to contact me more because she is getting a response. I will not give her any further response. I have had enough.

Photo credit: Hekatekris

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As I write this, I am on DAY 6 of feeling triggered thanks to my b@#$% mother/abuser’s unwanted contact by letter TWICE last week. FOR SIX DAYS, I have had a major headache, have felt anxious and out of control, and have been really irritable. Then, I feel so exhausted that I long for sleep, only to suffer from nightmares, including rapes and such. My heart is constantly racing. I am popping Xanax like M&M’s. I cannot focus on the work that I need to be doing in preparation for starting teaching NEXT WEEK. It’s all because of my stupid, f@#$king, self-centered b@#$% of a “mother” who is apparently incapable of following very basic instructions like, “Get the f@#$ out of my life!!!” Apparently even wording that forceful is too subtle for the idiot.

I hate it! And I hate her! I hate that after spending numerous hours and thousands of dollars on therapy, she still has this power over me. I have written tens of thousands of words on healing from child abuse. I have read thousands of pages on how to heal. And then, this stupid cow of a woman who devastated my entire childhood continues to have the power with one (or two) stupid cards to blow up my world again. It’s not fair! Where is the justice in that?

The fact that this idiot could procreate (something that, ironically, has been denied to me – oh, the ironies of life) does not entitle her to torture me for the rest of my life. I have moved hundreds of miles away. I have told her to go away many, many, many times. I have been very clear that I do not want to hear from her. My sister has been very clear to her that I don’t want to hear from her. And yet, none of that matters. How I feel – how she rips me to shreds inside by the simple act of sending a letter – is irrelevant to her. It doesn’t matter. I don’t matter. I am not even a person to her. I am extension of herself the she can use to “get off,” “buy” friends, and torture in any way she sees fit.

I have tried to view her as pathetic and weak, but she is just plain evil. She is an evil b@#$% who is apparently never going to leave me the hell alone until she is dead. To quote my husband, she will probably outlive us all, dying the day after I do.

I don’t know how to pull out of this intense triggering. Nothing is working – not exercise, yoga, talking about it, not talking about it, sleeping, waking, praying, or crying. I am hoping that writing about it will be cathartic.

Sorry not to be an inspiration today. I just want the b@#$% to drop dead and leave me the hell alone. Please … tell me … is there any part of what I just said that is unclear? I do know how to write, so the problem cannot possibly be my inability to express myself. Perhaps I should send this blog entry to her. Think that would penetrate her thick skull??

Remember when I sent her the message saying “Back the f@#$ off?” (Trust me – I did not filter that message.) I wrote about it here. That was in 2009. And still she continues to contact me. WTF??????

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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So, it turns out that I am not handling this latest crap from my mother as well as I hoped. I received her letter on Saturday, and I was truly dying laughing at the absurdity of the whole thing. I slept fitfully that night. On Sunday, I felt waves of anxiety on and off, but it was nothing that I couldn’t handle.

However, Sunday night was really bad. I took some Tussionex to help me sleep better, and it did not work. I was awake every hour on the hour – really annoying. I woke up feeling like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I was very cranky and irritable, snapping at everyone around me. I wanted to scream and cry.

I called my sister and asked for advice on what to do. I just wanted to tell my mother/abuser to back the f@#$ off, but I feared how that would affect my sister, who still has her in her life. My sister graduates from college in December, and I will cross paths with my mother at that graduation, so I don’t understand why she cannot just back off and wait to make her case then. My sister said that this is an easy semester, and I should just do what I need to do.

My therapist had previously recommended writing her a letter stating that, due to my abuse as a child, it was unsafe for me or my family to be in a relationship with her and not to contact me again. That would open a whole can of worms, getting into the abuse and stuff. I just want her to (1) die; or (2) leave me the h@#$ alone.

I talked to a friend later that morning and told her that I just want to tell my mother to back the f@#$ off. She said that is exactly what I should tell her … so I did. I wrote only five words on an index card and mailed it to her:

Back the F#$% off!! – Faith

That letter went out on Monday. I have been binge eating and feeling like s@#$ ever since, but I did at least sleep well on Monday night. I am writing this on Tuesday night (you will read about her letter in the morning), and I am in so much pain. I have been so triggered all day, having had other annoying things happen in addition to this today. I am so triggered that I am having trouble focusing. I have taken Xanax, drunk wine, and have binged on a ton of food. My stomach is killing me. I don’t feel any better.

I am so friggin’ angry that my mother still has this power over me. I don’t want to have to carve out two hours of my day plus work out childcare and pay over $100 to see my therapist. I don’t want to gain all of my weight back. It makes me so d@#$ angry that my mother still has this level of power over me. I just want her to die and burn in hell and leave me the h#$% alone. Is that really too much to ask?

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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