Posts Tagged ‘death’

It feels like forever since I wrote on my blog. I started a new job a few weeks ago. I knew that starting the new job, combined with the Christmas season, would take most of my focus, so I wrote ahead on my blogs, both here and on my professional adoption blog. I am glad I did because it has been a wild ride.

I was hit with some tragic news a few weeks ago that sent me reeling. Someone that I cared about passed away, and I did not take the news well. As philosophic as I can be about reincarnation when applied to my own life, it was not much comfort when I first got the news. I am doing much better now as I have had time to process and digest the news. Loss is hard, no matter where it comes from. There are no shortcuts through grief.

Getting this news was like a punch in the gut. I tried to rely on my three-step guide, but it was only so helpful at first. It was like the bad news sucked the wind out of me, and I simply could not breathe. I also was not convinced that I would get over this in 36 hours, so that was of no comfort to me. I had to hope that trying to feed my good wolf would be enough to get me through this cycle of triggering.

As it turned out, it took me about three days to pull out of the nosedive. While I was in that bad place again, there is nothing that would have convinced me that I would be okay again. I cried off and on for three days – hard, wracking sobs. It never once occurred to me to go back and read what I had just recently written about how to handle being triggered.

I even called my therapist and scheduled an appointment. I ended therapy a couple of years ago. I think I need a little “tune up.” The holiday season is always hard for me, but it makes me feel like I am bi-polar to be okay … and then fighting suicidal urges … and then okay again. Yes, I know that I am being triggered and that I am pulling myself back out (and that many of you would do anything to have the ability to pull out of a trigger in three days), but it makes me feel “crazy.” I need to hear a professional reassure me again that what I am experiencing is normal for a child abuse survivor.

If anyone else is feeling this way during the holiday season, you are not alone. Even after all of my years and hard work of healing, I still struggle with this, too.

Related Topic:

PTSD and Cycles of Emotions

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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Busted Bumper

I was in a car accident yesterday, and it really scared me. Someone who is not familiar with the downtown area turned the wrong way down a one-way street. I was in the far left lane, which is the same lane that he was in. All I know is that I saw a vehicle coming in my lane straight at me, and I could hear my husband’s voice telling me that any type of collision, even into a telephone pole, is better than a head-on collision.

I blew my horn several times, but I did not see him slowing down or pulling over, so I tried to change into the lane beside me. Unfortunately, there was another car in that lane. He saw what was going on and did his best to avoid hitting me, but he wound up rear-ending me.

Nobody was hurt. My kid was not in the car, thank goodness, and things could have been so much worse. My bumper and the other car’s bumper look rough, but otherwise everything was okay. I am still shaken up by the accident – not the part where I was actually hit but the thought of seeing somebody coming at me the wrong way in my lane. I would not be surprised to relive that experience in my dreams tonight.

What’s funny about this is that I had a “death wish” for a very long time. I did not necessarily want to die, but I preferred the thought of ceasing to live to the thought of working through the very painful emotions from my history of child abuse. I have been saying for years that I am ready to die whenever. I am not suicidal, and I am not eager to die today or anything, but I do not fear death and see it as a natural part of life. However, those were not the thoughts going through my head as I saw a vehicle heading toward me today.

So, I guess I am not ready for my existence on earth to end quite yet. I must still have unfinished business left.

Photo credit: Faith Allen

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