Posts Tagged ‘disillusionment’

Something happened this weekend that has me second-guessing an important relationship in my life. What actually happened was not earth-shattering, and to most people, it probably would not cause them to question whether they should continue having this relationship in their lives. Most people would find what happened to be “odd” and a bit bizarre but not some sort of “deal-breaker.” However, I am not most people, and my experiences are such that I cannot take having people f@#$ around with certain areas of my life.

The pain of what happened is too raw for me to talk about right, and it is also very personal. However, one thing I can talk about is the shock and adjustment to recognizing that the lens through which you viewed an area of your life has been skewed.

I have been through this dynamic before. I thought that a relationship was one thing (a close friendship) while the other person wanted distance. She had downgraded me to acquaintance status without telling me. So, I would act and react in certain ways, receiving very different results than I would expect through my current “lens.” However, when I changed the lens to recognize that this was not an acquaintanceship and no longer a friendship, suddenly her actions and reactions made sense.

This is similar to what I am dealing with now. I am feeling very disillusioned and uncertain about a particular relationship in my life. I knew it wasn’t stellar, but it was workable. Now, I am second-guessing everything. I have come to realize that my lens was skewed. I need to examine this relationship through a more realistic lens and decide what, if any, changes I need to make. I also need to figure out if I want to continue investing in a relationship that is so far off the mark from what I thought it was.

I have talked to a couple of offline friends about what happened. Both believe I need to talk with my therapist about it all. I am considering this but have not called him yet. I guess I am just still reeling and trying to make sense out of this new reality while, at the same time, let the dust settle a little to make sure I am not just overreacting. That is possible, too, although I don’t think so at this moment. Please send lots of positive thoughts and/or prayers my way.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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