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Posts Tagged ‘dysfunctional relationships’

Man on BikeI am being hit on all sides with dysfunction and irrational/illogical people. Perhaps I am more sensitive to it after having visited my hometown and faced the dysfunction of my childhood head-on. Regardless of why, I feel like every direction I turn, I am dealing with illogical and irrational people. It’s driving me crazy!

Here is one example – I supposedly have part-time vision benefits through one of my part-time jobs. I have paid premiums out of each paycheck to cover this benefit. It took me hours of research and inquiry from several people to nail down how I could actually use the coverage. I followed every single thing I was told to do, and I still did not get the vision discount I am paying for.

What should have been a 15-minute eye doctor visit turned into two hours with over one hour of it spent trying to get to the bottom of how to use this insurance coverage. GGRRRR!! At one point, I used my cell phone to call the rep at the 1-800 number that my job provided for me. The rep stated definitively that I have the coverage. I handed my cell phone over to the receptionist for the eye doctor. They went round and round and still could not get this worked out.

To me, it seems pretty simple that, if I am paying for vision coverage, I should get a card that says so. I have been provided with no card, just a plan number that doesn’t show up on the insurance carrier’s website and that the insurance rep could not find. I wrote a scathing email (I am actually pretty good at those when I am worked up!) to the HR rep (I only have email addresses to work with at this job), and I have received no response after 36 hours. I am married to a lawyer so, trust me, I WILL get this resolved.

That’s just one example of the dysfunctional, illogical, and irrational behavior that I am dealing with in my day-to-day life. I don’t understand why it is so difficult for some people just to do their d@#$ jobs, know what I mean?

I have worked as an online instructor for three years, and I have never missed a deadline. I have met my deadlines through Norovirus, the H1N1 virus, 10 days of vertigo, sinus infections, the flu … you get the point. I have met my deadlines through my child having the flu, ear infections, etc. I have met my deadlines through traveling, getting triggered by seeing my mother at my sister’s graduation, and through multiple triggerings. Am I really such an anomaly in doing my d@#$ job? I simply call this being responsible.

I guess I am going through a reality check that dysfunction is not limited to my family. It has been in my friendships (such as the one that just ended), and apparently it is all around me – in jobs and other professional relationships. WTF??

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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PhotobucketI still have a few more days of my crazy schedule to go, but I need to blog to get a few things out…

First, today is the first day of Fall, which means that it is the Fall equinox. Anyone who suffered from ritual abuse might be feeling “off” today or have been feeling “off” all week. That has certainly been true for me. I have been grateful to be so compulsively busy so I can escape from the anxiety and depression “geyser” going in my head. I know this is “normal” for me, but it doesn’t make it any easier. Staying busy distracts me from it.

My momster is in ICU right now for very high blood pressure. My sister called me last night to tell me. Momster had very high blockages in both legs back in 2003. She had surgery for the first one and decided not to have the second surgery. She decided the “Lord” would heal her, so the surgery wasn’t necessary. I suspect the two are connected, but I am not a doctor.

Instead of calling my sister (who underreacts) and “worrying” her, she called her twin sister, who get hysterical over everything. So, my sister got a much more “shrill” version of what was going on when our aunt called her about it. My sister talked to momster at the hospital by phone (they don’t live in the same city), and momster seems pretty clueless about the severity of her condition. That’s typical of her – it’s all about denial.

Then there are my recurring dreams. I won’t call them nightmares because I think they are just a true reflection of how I am feeling. Very clearly, a part of me wants to make a big change in my life – a change the rest of me is not ready to make. If I didn’t have a young child, making such a big change would be easier, but I have to factor in the effects of any big change on my kid, and I am not ready to do that to my 10-year-old child. Apparently this is something that a part of my still “dreams” about, though.

I am heading back to my hometown next weekend for what was supposed to be my 25th high school reunion. The reunion committee botched it up, so I am now just getting together with the four people I still (sort of) keep up with from high school so we can have a 25-year high school anniversary dinner. I always get reflective before I return to my hometown. (This is not the city where the abuse happened – this is a city 30 miles away from there where we moved when I was 11.) I am hoping to see my grandmother one last time (she has failing health, and I only make this trip once every couple of years), but she has been declining visitors, so I don’t know if I will get to see her or not.

These are all just random pieces of what’s going on with me right now – stuff swirling around in my head. Thankfully, I have too much work to do today to think about any of this too much. The money I am earning will pay for a fun trip for my son and me in January, so I have that to look forward to. I always need something fun to look forward to in order to survive the holidays.

Photo credit: Rosanne Mooney

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Pink flower (c) Lynda Bernhardt

Over the holiday season, I have spent a lot of time with dysfunctional family. Let’s just say that I am really missing my (functional) friends right now. It is really hard to spend a lot of time with dysfunctional people. These are people who I love, but I can no longer connect in the way I used to. Or, it is probably more accurate to say that I am now more aware of the lack of connection that has always been there.

When I spend time with my functional friends, we talk about all sorts of things. We can talk for hours about things that don’t matter and, more importantly, the things that do. We enjoy connecting by spending focused time together. Contrast this with my time with dysfunctional family. What do we do together? Watch TV shows and make snarky comments. With one of these family members, we can talk about important things over the phone, but it is all very shallow when we are together in person. It makes me sad.

I am noticing more of the ways in which my dysfunctional family members are clueless about the basics of interacting with other people, and I keep asking myself how they could not know these very basic things (like saying, “Thank you,” when somebody does something nice for you). I have to keep reminding myself that the real question is how **I** now know these things. They are not the ones who have changed – I have.

I find myself grieving, but it is hard to pinpoint specifically what it is that I am grieving. I do not want to go back to being emotionally unhealthy. I am very grateful for my health. However, my emotional health has come with the cost of losing relationships that were once very special to me. I now see how dysfunctional they were, but they were special to me nonetheless.

I guess I am realizing that we no longer really fit into one another’s lives any longer, and that hurts. I have already lost so much throughout my lifetime, thanks to the abuse, and now I am experiencing more losses. But then I have to ask if there was ever anything to lose. The relationships were probably always this empty, but I was just too emotionally unhealthy to see it. So, then, what exactly am I grieving? The loss of innocence about these relationships? The loss of what I thought those relationships were?

All I know is that I have a heavy heart today. I am going to let myself feel the sadness so I will not have to carry it around with me. I know that I only have to hang in there for one more week and then life will get back to normal.

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Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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