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Posts Tagged ‘feelings toward abuser’

Cave (c) Lynda BernhardtI finally talked with some off-line friends about how I have been feeling lately. They helped me to put it all in perspective.

One friend suggested that perhaps I have already dealt with it all, but Mother’s Day is just a triggering time of year for me. She compared it to the anniversary of a loved one’s death – even after you fully grieve the loss of the loved one, you are still going to think about that person and feel sad when that date rolls around.

Perhaps the coming the Mother’s Day triggers sadness in me that is just a normal part of the grieving process. This is not an indication that I have not completed the healing work but just a normal part of grieving the mother that I needed but never had. I think my friend is right because I have felt much, much better since we talked.

It also helped to have two off-line friends who did not judge me for not calling my mother while she was in the hospital. It helped that they were supportive of me in making my own decisions about the role my mother has in my life, which is nil.

I sometimes feel pressured to reconcile with my mother, and at other times, I feel pressured to end the limited contact that I continue through allowing her to write me a monthly letter. (I also send her presents for her birthday, etc.) I need to be the one to make the decisions about what is right for me. Nobody else can do that for me.

Related Topic:

Mother-Daughter Sexual Abuse

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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Tree in swamp (c) Lynda BernhardtMy mother/abuser is out of the hospital now. The doctors could not find anything wrong with her. That doesn’t surprise me. She will probably outlive us all.

Apparently, she was disappointed that I did not call her while she was in the hospital. I was honestly surprised by this. Should she have had that expectation? I have not spoken to her in 4-1/2 years, so why would she expect that this would change now? I guess a daughter is “supposed” to telephone her mother when she is hospitalized, so she expected that this would be that TV-movie-of-the-week transforming moment in our relationship??

I did not fail to call her as a way to hurt her. Honestly, it never crossed my mind to call her. Is that bad? I wouldn’t have known how to reach her, anyhow. I think she sent me her cell phone number, but I am not sure if I kept it. I have her home phone number, but she obviously was not there. I did not know the name of the hospital where she was staying. Yes, I could have gotten this information from my sister, but I didn’t want it.

I don’t want to think about her at all, and it is really bugging me that her hospitalization and Mother’s Day have made that impossible to do. I am not staying away from her to hurt her; I am doing it to protect myself. I don’t like the person I became when I was around her. I felt so much anger, and I stayed so dissociated that I lost large blocks of time around her. I would be aware that I just spent four hours with her but unable to share anything that we talked about. It was all a blank because I was not “there.” My body was there, but my spirit/consciousness was somewhere else.

I am really bothered by how much this is upsetting me. I feel the need to cry a lot, and sometimes I allow myself to cry. Honestly, I have been so friggin’ busy over the past two weeks that I have not had the time to cry very often. I don’t even know what I am crying over, only that my heart feels heavy. I don’t miss her. I don’t want her in my life. I want to cut this connection, but I don’t know how. I thought I had done it, but obviously I haven’t.

In other forms of rape, the victim does not have pressure from others to continue a relationship with the perpetrator. You do not have to invite your stranger rapist to Thanksgiving dinner, and nobody judges you for this choice. What my mother did was so much worse (and destructive) than a stranger rape, so why is there pressure to maintain a connection?

Nobody in my life is pressuring me to connect with her. This is a pressure that is coming from inside, but I don’t know from where or why. I don’t know if this is more self-hate that needs healing or what. I just want to stop thinking about her at all. How do I do that?

Related Topic:

Mother-Daughter Sexual Abuse

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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Shelter along seashore (c) Lynda BernhardtYesterday, I talked about the fact that I am struggling right now with my feelings toward my mother. She went into the hospital right before Mother’s Day, so I got a double-whammy of emotion that I don’t know what to do with.

I don’t want to love her. Loving her brought me an enormous amount of pain. She betrayed me in a way that cut so much deeper than any of my other abusers. She was my mother, and she was the one person in the world who was supposed to be there for me – to nurture me and protect me. She was the one who was supposed to make me feel precious and set the tone for all future relationships. She failed me so miserably that I cannot/do not even want to go there right now.

I don’t want to hate her. I spent so many years nursing my bitterness toward her, but it never hurt her – only me. I want to be free from the hatred, and I deserve to be freed from it.

I don’t want her to influence the direction of my life. I don’t want to make decisions to please her or to p@$$ her off. I just want to do what is right for me, regardless of how it affects her.

The only way that I have found to do this is to kill all of my feelings toward her – the love and the hate. I have worked so hard to remove any feeling about her whatsoever – to become numb to her. I don’t want to care about her at all – no love, no hate, no nothing.

I thought I had done this, so why I am sitting on the floor bawling my eyes out over her? I have no answer for this? Does this mean that I have been deluding myself about my nonchalance toward her? Do I still love her? Do I still hate her? Do I still feel both?

I wish I had a way to take a hatchet to that part of myself and completely sever it off. I feel like the dog caught in a bear trap that tries to chew its own paw off to find freedom from the trap. How do I do that?

There is no point in loving her. There is no point in hating her. Apparently, my efforts to numb myself to her have not worked, and now I am so confused about what I feel toward her. All I know is that it hurts, and I wish I had a way to make that stop. How do I find a way to end the lifelong legacy of pain that she has left me?

Related Topic:

Mother-Daughter Sexual Abuse

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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