Posts Tagged ‘flashbacks in dreams’

I have had several hints over the past few months that I have more healing work ahead of me. Last night’s cluster of dreams was like a flashing neon sign that more work is to come.

I was at my child’s school (although the building looked nothing like my son’s school), and it was beautiful. The colors around it were vivid – lots of bright green grass on the grounds and a beautiful, mossy roof on the building. I walked up to my husband, who was standing outside the school on the grounds, and then my friend walked up. (My friend has the same name as my sister and always represents my sister in my dreams.)

I got nervous when my friend walked up because I was worried she would “tell” my husband, but I couldn’t identify exactly what it was I didn’t want her to tell. Instead, she and I climbed up a long ladder with many parts onto the mossy roof of the school. There I found a girl in her teens who was battered and bruised. She really wanted to go inside the school but couldn’t. So, she lived on the roof and tried to be as close to the school as she could.

There were people in the school who knew she was living on the roof (even though the ones in charge did not know). They would make sure she was OK and even educate her.

Then, I saw my son (always represents my inner child) and a bunch of other children having fun outside on the grounds. They were dressed like boy scouts and seemed to be preparing for a field trip or some sort of fun.

We went inside, and I was sitting next to a different friend as an older child showed me a “cool toy” that simulated giving oral sex to a man. I was bothered by this because the child thought it was great fun, but I could see the sexual nature of the toy. Then, my son picked up another toy like that and was playing with it, too, and I was upset by that. Then, I looked down, and all of the objects on the table were representative of penises.

Next, a small dog came running out, and I knew I had to leave the room. (Seeing my dog killed was one of my two most traumatizing memories. I suspect the “little dog” represents an extremely traumatizing memory that is not quite as bad as that one but still difficult enough to qualify as a “dog-level” of trauma.) I closed the door behind me, but the dog got out. The door caught the fur at the tip of his tail, but he was still able to get free.

Then, I ran into another child who said that all of the balls at the school were the same, so he made his own ball. He had taken two balls and packaged them together. The result was the “skin” of a volley ball stretched across two full balls inside of the one. I looked inside, and the small dog was encapsulated inside of one of the inside balls and was both frightened and angry. I knew the dog needed to be let out of the ball.

Photo credit: Hekatekris

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*** sexual abuse triggers ***

I had some disturbing flashbacks last night. (Are there any other kind?)

First, it was a dream.  A woman was badgering a stay-at-home mom in public, calling her a whore. I tried to offer encouragement to the woman and was charmed by her baby. I climbed into the passenger side of my mother/abuser’s van. The seat kept pushing me forward, and I knew someone evil was in the van with me. I wasn’t scared. I knew it was a dream and that I had to do this.

A very raw part of myself started screaming, “Why did you do this to me!?!! Why!?!! Why!?!! Why!?!!” Then, I was a girl in the process of being raped by a man. He was very rhythmic, taking his time as if I were an object and not a person. I was a vessel for his own gratification, not a little girl. I could feel his proportionately large body part inside of me, and my mind went a hundred different places in how I should be reacting to this.

Then, I pulled out of this and semi-woke up, but my mind kept going to strange places such as the size of my father’s genitalia in comparison to other men’s. My reaction in my sleep was that I really should not know that information about my own father. (I previously recovered a memory of my father being drugged at one of the cult meetings/child prostitution gatherings. He was blindfolded. I was forced to give him a hand job, and then he raped my sister. I don’t think he knew it was her or that it was a child, at least not before penetration.)

I am okay but flooded with anxiety right now. I am writing this out and posting it to give those memories a voice.

Before I went to sleep, I knew flashbacks were coming. I saw a plank of wood and started getting triggered about splinters. (Splinters are very triggering for me.) I couldn’t move past seeing the wood and told myself that was enough for tonight. I also felt the “tugging” I feel in my brain when a flashback is ready to come.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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