Posts Tagged ‘healing from depression’

Cave (c) Lynda Bernhardt

I have pulled myself out of my nosedive of depression. Now I am examining how I went so quickly from being okay to spinning out of control. I am also celebrating pulling myself out so fast. (This was only a 30-hour nosedive versus the ones I usually have at this time of year, which can last for weeks.)

Vulnerability to Old Patterns

I lived most of my life feeling badly about myself, and that has only changed over the past few years. I have also lived most of my life feeling miserable during the holiday season, and changing that is very new. So, I need to appreciate just how vulnerable I am to falling back into old patterns. As miserable as I felt, it also felt very comfortable to step back into the shoes of a depressed person.

Appreciation of the Power of My Thoughts

I need to be mindful of always feeding the right wolf. My “evil wolf” is still present and waiting for some nourishment so he can take over again. As challenging as it has been, I have been keeping careful watch over my thoughts to ensure that I only feed the “good wolf.” I was triggered by this situation with my son, and I threw my “evil wolf” a big juicy steak, which temporarily gave that part of myself power again.

To feed the “good wolf” again, I did yoga and meditation. I stilled my mind because it had been racing nonstop for 30 hours (an old pattern I worked hard to break). Once I stepped back and found presence, things no longer seemed so overwhelming. I still have the “evil wolf” nipping at my heels, but I am choosing to focus on the blessings in my life.

Celebrating Success

My inclination is to beat myself up for “falling off the wagon.” However, I am choosing to celebrate pulling myself out after 30 hours, which is a new record for me. I am trying to remember that it is okay to make mistakes. Nobody is going to torment me like my abusers did in my youth. I can learn from my mistakes and, hopefully, avoid the same pitfalls.

Processing the Painful Emotions

I am now more aware of the pain that I still need to grieve. I am going to take time to honor those emotions and allow myself to feel them without attaching my thoughts to them and diving back down the well.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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