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Posts Tagged ‘hopelessness’

This morning was not a good one. I decided to move toward indifference in this relationship that is bothering me. I decided to stop connecting emotionally with this person and see what happens. If the person does not even notice, then I have my answer about the health of this relationship.

However, being indifferent is not my strong suit. I wish I could just shut my feelings down, but that never does seem to work. Instead, my emotions kept fluctuating from anger to hopelessness. I became overwhelmed with the feeling of despair, and I struggled with suicidal urges. I actually caught myself thinking that maybe I should not volunteer to lead a Bible study in case I don’t want to continue living much longer. Then it hit me that I must be triggered. Ya think??

What is most disturbing is that, when I am flooded with these emotions, I have such a difficult time determining what is about today and what is about the past. Is this despair a result of what happened this week, or did what happened this week trigger feelings of despair from long ago? (I am guessing it is all about the past. It usually is for me.)

What really scares me is how quickly I can dive deep down into the despair. I started thinking about how alone I am in the world. I don’t have parents to serve as a safety net if I need them. I better be able to take care of myself (which I actually do quite well, thank you very much) because there is nobody who is going to take care of me.

I also circled around the trust issue. This relationship that is bothering me this week broke my trust, and I still don’t handle that well. When one person breaks my trust, I find myself back in that place questioning whether I can ever trust anyone or if everyone is going to betray and then leave me. (Do you see the extremes here? It’s all black & white thinking.)

I found it hysterical that I can be an inspiration to other people when I can be such a friggin’ basket case like I was this morning. I fall just as hard as any of you, and I can fall much harder and faster than many. I guess the difference is that I am relatively okay now (only a few hours later), whereas it used to take me weeks to get back to being okay.

I don’t know when, if ever, I will reach a place of accepting that it is not a “bad” thing to feel pain and that it will pass. To this day, when I am in that dreadful place, I see no way out. I just want to disappear and stop existing altogether. But, I am still here. I guess I still have the rest of my life to figure all of this out. Oh, joy.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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