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Posts Tagged ‘How do you know if an alter part integrated?’

On my blog entry entitled DID: Feeling Like a Different Person While Integrating, a reader posted the following comment:

One thing I found confusing in your post is in the paragraph about Sassy [an alter part who enjoyed sex]. You talked about other parts over-ruling her once she integrated. I wonder then how you know that she did integrate, because if she did, wouldn’t her free spirit still show itself, even if toned down somewhat. I mean, I thought you would become more balanced, rather than remaining conflicted about sex. ~ Multipleinoz

Unfortunately, I am not sure that I have good answer for you. As far as I know, this part has integrated, but I am still quite conflicted about sex. Here is my theory, but I don’t know if it is correct or not …

I think that I separated out my enjoyment of sex into Sassy to protect that part of my personality from being destroyed by the abuse. When Sassy “came out” while I was co-conscious, I got to experience “pure” enjoyment of sex because Sassy’s experiences were in a vacuum. She was completely separate from all of the bad sexual experiences. I do believe she integrated because I have not experienced her since that time, but it is possible that she is lying dormant waiting to be rediscovered when I am ready. I have always assumed that she integrated but that, against the backdrop of all of my bad associations with sex, her “pure” enjoyment of sex has been muddied by all of the pain.

I am hopeful that I will one day re-experience the joy of Sassy (she was a lot of fun!). I am encouraged to know that, whether as a separate part or an integrated part, this side of my personality does exist. That gives me hope that I can one day become less conflicted about sex.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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