Posts Tagged ‘isolation’

Child in field (c) Lynda BernhardtThis week, I have been talking about the struggles of not having the same social graces that other people have, thanks to being raised in an abusive environment. Today, I’d like to go more into the feeling of isolation and “not fitting in” that many child abuse survivors experience.

I am very active on a message board for adult child abuse survivors. I never felt like I fit in anywhere until I found that place. Of course, just about everyone on there pretty much felt the same way – that they had never fit in anywhere. Many “newbies” to that site question whether they will fit in there because they have never experienced a feeling of belonging before. It feels so wonderful when you finally find a group of people that understand you.

I often find myself feeling like an outsider in a group. I will volunteer to facilitate a group, in part to keep myself separate by choice. That way, when I feel left out or different, I can pretend that is the reason why. It is unlikely for me to come across someone in my day-to-day life who has healed from dissociative identity disorder (DID) or who has suffered from child abuse as severe as mine.

I do meet many people who have suffered form some form of abuse, and we definitely wind up having a lot in common. But that only comes out when we move to the one-on-one setting. It’s not like a group of women are going to sit around swapping childhood rape stories.

I wrestle with the need to connect with others and the need to protect myself from rejection. The more I feel comfortable with myself – with loving and accepting myself the way I am – the less vulnerable I feel to the opinions of others. It is only my own opinion of myself that should matter.

While I am generally successful in feeling comfortable in my own skin, I will get triggered from time to time, as happened over the weekend, and then all of those old insecurities arise again. I question if I will always feel like the odd man out. I wonder if there is a place for me anywhere.

I know this is completely crazy because I have so many people who care about me in my life. But one trigger can make all of that seem so fleeting and fragile. I guess this is just another layer of pain that I need to grieve and heal. I need to have a good cry and plug back into my life. I need to get back to how I feel about myself rather than being so sensitive to the opinions of others. I don’t want to give my power away like that.

Related Topic:

Warped Reality of the Abused Adopted Child

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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