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Posts Tagged ‘pain after mother-daughter sexual abuse’

On my blog entry entitled Yearning for a Mother after Mother-Daughter Sexual Abuse, a reader posted the following comment:

For me, this is possibly the most painful repercussion of what I experienced growing up. For much of my life I have felt deep shame over this longing for a mother, and it has caused me a great deal of agony in relationships with older women around me.

It is so affirming to hear the voices of other women who are “in the middle” of this experience and feeling the same thing. It makes me feel more normal, less alone. I wonder if there are other voices of women who maybe have found different measures of healing of this gaping hole in their hearts? Does it happen? Is it possible? And probably all of us have stories of parts of this place in us that have experienced healing. I’d really like to hear about that. ~ Blueorchid8

I have found that the loss of a mother-daughter relationship is a loss to be grieved, just like any other loss. Sometimes, like when I wrote that blog entry, I feel the pain from the hole left in my heart in never connecting with my mother. Most of the time, though, I don’t feel (or notice?) the pain.

I have had to grieve multiple losses in my life, and the process of grieving those losses is always the same. I must face the reality of the loss and allow myself to experience the depth of the pain from that loss. After this, I adjust to the reality of my life without whatever it is that I am missing, whether that loss is a pregnancy, a deceased loved one, or the loss of a mother-daughter relationship. The grieving process brings you to a place where you sometimes feel the loss, but it becomes more of a wistful longing than a sharp pain.

I have found ways to meet some of my needs through friendships. For example, when I was sick last week, a friend invited me over so my kid could play with hers, and she made me some hot chocolate with mini marshmallows in it. It was just a small gesture, but it was just the kind of nurturing that I needed. I did not need a mother or older woman to do this for me. This small act of kindness met a need, and I did not once long for a mother the entire time that I was sick.

There are other areas of my life in which I must make do for myself as if I were an orphan, and that just plain stinks. It generally does not hurt, though. Instead, it makes me angry and frustrated with my life at times. I try to remember that I will not always feel so frustrated and that those feelings will pass. I have varying levels of success with that thought process.

Have any of you found ways to fill this hole in your heart?

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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