Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘preparing for flashbacks’

In my blog entry yesterday, I shared that I would be focusing this week on my experience with dealing with a new flashback. I am writing today’s blog entry on Thursday, 10/23/08.

I have had a pit in my stomach today. Out of nowhere, I started thinking about something that always perplexed me during my freshman year of college. Here is what I remember …

I befriended a guy (S) who was also a freshman. He was in the ROTC and part of a specialized unit. He was a nice guy. I thought he was cute, but there were no sparks between us or anything.

S introduced me to some of his guy friends who were also in this specialized unit. They were going to have some sort of formal dance. S invited B to go with him as his date. B was another freshman who lived on my hall in the dorm.

S introduced me to J, who was also in ROTC. J invited me to go to the dance with him. He also invited me to go to a party with him. S and B were going to be there as well.

I know that I went to the party, but I have no memory of anything that transpired at that party. After the party, I no longer wanted to go to the dance, and I did not go. I do not recall having a conversation in which I said I wasn’t going – I just knew that I wasn’t going to go.

After the party, B hated me. I don’t mean dislike – I mean total loathing, to the point of being quite rude if we came into contact with each other. I had a group of friends who asked why B hated me so much. I honestly do not know the answer.

My friends talked me into extending the olive branch. She did not want to talk to me but let me in her dorm room. I told her that I wanted to apologize for whatever I had done that might have hurt her. I also said that I honestly did not know what I had done to offend her.

B said that I knew d@#$ well what I had done and that she had no interest in any apologies from me. I believe that she said more, but that memory is fuzzy as well. I returned to my own dorm room absolutely baffled. I just tried to avoid her after that.

Soon after all of this happened, I started dating a very nice guy that I was not remotely attracted to. He was innocent and sweet but hardly my type. I am now recognizing a pattern in myself – I did the same thing after the date rape.

Tonight, I am going to give myself permission to remember what happened that night. I am fairly certain that it is sexual in nature – perhaps a gang rape situation. I am going to allow myself to stop the memory part way if I need time to process the first part. I suspect I will be able to process it all in one sitting. I hope so.

I keep reminding myself that, no matter what happened, I am still the same person today. I was also only 17 years old and fresh out of an abusive household, so I likely would have been easily triggered. Most of all, I just want to be kind and gentle with myself.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

As I shared in my blog entry entitled Dealing with Memory of Date Rape into Adulthood, I had to deal with a flashback recently. Unfortunately, flashbacks are part of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and I am just going to have to ride them out.

I really believed that I had finished having to work through flashbacks. I had recovered memories through age 17, when I was still living with my mother/abuser. I thought that the abuse had stopped after that.

Unfortunately, even though (I believe) the abuse ended from my mother’s hand, the world had others waiting in the wings to harm me, too. And, because of my dissociative identity disorder (DID), I was the perfect target for those looking to harm an easy victim.

As I shared in another post about the date rape, I simply checked out of my body. My memory is from the perspective of the ceiling. My body is just lying there, doing nothing, as my ex-boyfriend believed that he was taking my virginity. I hoped that was the last time I checked out, but apparently I have more to deal with.

I am about to recover another memory. I can feel the flashback coming. I know that when I go to bed at night, I will recover another horrendous truth. This is one from near-adulthood – when I was a freshman in college at the age of 17. I can feel the weight the pain, even though I don’t have the memory yet.

This week, I am going to document the process as I go through it. I am actually writing this on Thursday night (10/23/08), so I will likely have already dealt with this flashback by the time you read my posts this week. However, I think it will add value to those of you who are dealing with flashbacks or are on the brink of dealing with them to come along for the ride with me.

So, that will be the topic this week. I am hoping that I get through this flashback as well as I did with the date rape one. I felt really badly for a few days and then felt much, much better afterward. I have also set up a support system. I will be meeting a friend for lunch tomorrow to talk about the memory, so I won’t have to go through this alone. And, of course, I have all of you here as well as my friends at isurvive. So, I know that I am going to be okay.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

Read Full Post »