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Posts Tagged ‘reconciliation’

I spent all last week sick and am still not doing so great. I have had a cold that I fear is moving into a sinus infection. Of course, in the middle of all of this, another letter arrived from my mother/abuser. I shared previously about her last unwanted contact here. My mother sent me a letter in mid-March and then called me. Thank goodness I was not home. Now, she sent me another letter. Considering that I have told her very firmly that I do not want to talk about reconciliation, these three attempts in a short period time are really starting to p#$$ me off. I also don’t think it is a coincidence that I have been sick since this all started.

This letter was another attempt at reconciliation. She wrote an apology for a list of things that she did wrong as a parent. None of the things she included are on my list of reasons for breaking contact with her. Yes, it sucked when she did not take me to a doctor after being kicked by a horse or after having my head slammed in a van door, but that is all water under the bridge. If she really wants to talk reconciliation, she needs to own up to sexually abusing me and providing multiple abusers access to me throughout my childhood. Those are the reasons I don’t want her in my life.

The thing is, I truly do not believe she holds those memories in her conscious mind. I believe that she has repressed them all. That being said, they do leak out from time to time, which has been validating for both my sister and me. If I was to write her back and say, “You need to take responsibility for abusing my sister and me and for allowing others to harm us,” she would likely have a psychotic episode. So, my refusal to have this conversation with her is actually a kindness, but she keeps on pushing.

I called my therapist and left him a message. He returned my call and agreed that I should keep ignoring these contacts but that we need to talk about what I will say if/when she calls again. I was too sick to deal with it and have not returned his call yet. For now, I am just checking the Caller ID before I answer the phone.

As I said, I still feel lousy, so I just don’t want to deal with this crap right now. My sister and a friend both suspect that this is all part of her “counseling” and that the counselor is the one advising her to push this issue. I wish she would just back off.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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I am posting this message in real time. This just happened … my mother/abuser just called my house!!!!!

I have been focusing on breathing for the last hour. I called my therapist and am waiting to hear back from him. I also called a friend, who was great at reminding me to breathe. Seriously, I keep feeling lightheaded because I keep forgetting to breathe.

Let me back up…Mother/abuser’s birthday was last week, and I did not send her a card or present. She is in “Christian counseling” as part of becoming a Christian counselor herself. [Deep shudder] I suspect that this counselor is the one pushing her to disregard all of the boundaries that I have had in place for over five years – don’t call or visit; only write once a month; do not discuss the past or reconciliation.

Seriously – If a woman’s adult child has not wanted contact in over five years, why would this counselor think that badgering me is going to result in a reconciliation? Oh, that’s right … She’s not an educated psychotherapist.

So, my mother/abuser sent me a card on Monday. It was very short, and I dissociated away most of it. (My friend took the card so I would not get triggered by it again.) It said something along the lines of, “It has been a long time. I want a reconciliation. I will do whatever it takes.”

And then now, only two days later, she is calling my house!?!! I haven’t even had time to respond by mail yet!!

Again, I dissociated the message, but it was definitely her voice and something along the lines of, “You should have received my card by now. I want a reconciliation. Please call me…” I turned it off before it finished. My friend is going to listen to the message and tell me if there is anything that I need to know from it. Then, I am going to delete it.

I am not sure what to do other than remind myself that I am not a little girl any longer. She cannot force me to reconcile with her. If she shows up on my doorstep, I will call the cops. If hub is home, he will take care of it. Fortunately, I am going out of town this weekend. If she shows up then, hub will make sure she never comes back. She lives 6 hours away by car, and I would not have thought that she would just show up. However, after this barrage of contact and running over all of my boundaries, nothing would surprise me.

Don’t worry about me. I am going to be okay. I am going to pick up my son from school and then go to my friend’s house. She will keep me calm (or as calm as I can be). In the meantime, I am going to keep reminding myself to breathe.

Please send your thoughts, prayers, and positive energy my way today.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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