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Posts Tagged ‘sex after sexual abuse’

On my blog entry entitled DID: Feeling Like a Different Person While Integrating, a reader posted the following comment:

One thing I found confusing in your post is in the paragraph about Sassy [an alter part who enjoyed sex]. You talked about other parts over-ruling her once she integrated. I wonder then how you know that she did integrate, because if she did, wouldn’t her free spirit still show itself, even if toned down somewhat. I mean, I thought you would become more balanced, rather than remaining conflicted about sex. ~ Multipleinoz

Unfortunately, I am not sure that I have good answer for you. As far as I know, this part has integrated, but I am still quite conflicted about sex. Here is my theory, but I don’t know if it is correct or not …

I think that I separated out my enjoyment of sex into Sassy to protect that part of my personality from being destroyed by the abuse. When Sassy “came out” while I was co-conscious, I got to experience “pure” enjoyment of sex because Sassy’s experiences were in a vacuum. She was completely separate from all of the bad sexual experiences. I do believe she integrated because I have not experienced her since that time, but it is possible that she is lying dormant waiting to be rediscovered when I am ready. I have always assumed that she integrated but that, against the backdrop of all of my bad associations with sex, her “pure” enjoyment of sex has been muddied by all of the pain.

I am hopeful that I will one day re-experience the joy of Sassy (she was a lot of fun!). I am encouraged to know that, whether as a separate part or an integrated part, this side of my personality does exist. That gives me hope that I can one day become less conflicted about sex.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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Is it possible to have a positive view of sex after sexual abuse? For me, this is the million dollar question. I truly do not know.

I can see where a woman (or man) who has had a “normal” sex life and then is raped can eventually get back to a place of having a positive view of sex again. However, is this possible for someone who was introduced to sex (rape) at such a young age that there never were positive associations with the act?

How do you take the exact same action and make it “bad” in one scenario but “good” in another? How do you take an action that was so emotionally (and possibly physically) damaging in one context and turn that into an “expression of love” in another? I feel like this is what society expects me to do, but I question whether that is even possible. Is it?

If you consider that my childhood was filled with rapes – by both men and women – and that those rapes were exceedingly painful for me (both physically and emotionally), how I am supposed to desire those same actions in order to say, “I love you,” to another person? It simply does not make sense to me.

I hear people talk about how sex is supposed to be about connecting at a very deep level. It is supposed to be about communicating how deeply you care about the other person. But that is simply not the case for me. To me, it is about another person using my body for his own gratification. As an adult, I choose to stay in a relationship that involves sex, and sex is an expected part of a marriage, but none of that adds up to me feeling like anything other than being a vessel for another person to feel gratified.

The act of sex does not make me feel loved and cherished. It makes me feel used. I am not sure how to get past that. I am also not sure if it is possible.

If you have once been in this place and have moved past it, I would love to hear your story. I would like to know that this is possible and get some tips on how to get there.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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