Posts Tagged ‘stealing innocence’

On my blog entry entitled Orgasm during Rape or Other Form of Sexual Abuse, a reader posted the following comment:

I’ll tell you what [sexual abuse] is…it is a theft. Theft in every sense of the word. A recognition about the biology of young lives and sexuality and that our bodies are just NATURALLY WIRED TO RESPOND SEXUALLY…is NO EXCUSE for these monsters to take advantage of this. They impose upon a very real theft and imposition… ~ Brenda

I really like the term “theft” being applied to raping a child, which is what sexual abuse is. This is what bothers me so much about NAMBLA (North American Man-Boy Love Association) trying to sell sexual contact between a man and a boy as consensual “love.” The boy does not know or appreciate what is being stolen from him, so he cannot consent to the sexual contact.

What was stolen from me when I was raped as a child? My innocence. The wonder about what sex might be like. My dreaming and hoping and thinking about what my first sexual experience might be like. My choice in pacing what I would like to experience now and what I would like to wait to experience. My choice of who my first sexual partner would be.

I have never experienced giving away a little more and a little more until I climax into bliss. Once I reached what was supposed to be the climax, a whole pile of dirty laundry fell all around me, ruining what should have been beautiful. I couldn’t figure out why that part of my body “dried up,” causing intercourse to be painful throughout my honeymoon.

A belief that sex is a way of expressing love has been stolen from me, and I don’t know if I will ever get it back. As my child moves into puberty, I want to tell him about the beauty and specialness of sex when I don’t believe in it myself. My ability to prepare him for what lies ahead is gone – I don’t know what it is like for a normal child to experience sexuality normally.

I have been married for two decades and continue to feel conflicted toward sex. I had multiple orgasms as a raped little girl – orgasms that made me feel sick to my stomach and hate myself – but they elude me in a loving marriage. An entire aspect of my life and marriage was stolen before I should have even known what sex was.

I am healing in this area and will continue to heal, but I will never get back what was stolen from me. Sex will alway be complicated and complex when it should be simple. What breaks my heart is having the wonder stolen. That must be such a beautiful part of coming of age, but I will never know because it was stolen from me.

Photo credit: Hekatekris

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