Posts Tagged ‘summer solstice’

The Summer Solstice took the wind out of me yesterday. I did not even notice my failure to post a blog entry until this morning. Yikes!

As I shared last week, I had another bout of acid reflux and have been in a lot of pain. I have now been on the prescription medication (a pump inhibitor) for a week, and that has reduced much of the acid, but I am still having some struggles with it. Additionally, my body was damaged (again) from all of the acid, and it’s been slow going in the healing department, which means I am unable to use many of my stress-relievers, such as exercise or yoga.

I awoke yesterday (day of the Summer Solstice) to the overpowering smell of dog poop. (Dog feces is one of my strongest triggers.) Sure enough, my dog had another bout of colitis, and poop was smeared all over the inside of his crate. I put him outside and spent a good half hour cleaning out the crate, which is no easy task. I then took a thorough shower to get the poop off of me.

I called the vet and asked to board him until the colitis is cleared up (which is our usually routine – he goes through this about every six months and almost died from dehydration due to colitis on my husband’s watch). I can’t handle dealing with the poop, and the vet can better monitor whether the dog is staying hydrated. Of course, thanks to the summer holiday, there is no room for him this weekend. :0(

As I was walked the dog to the car, my son noticed poop smeared on his hip and tail. I asked my son to hold the dog’s leash while I got Clorox wipes to try to get it off. I was about as successful in removing the poop with wipes as you might expect. :0( I put away the wipes, washed my hands, and decided to pay the vet to bathe the dog.

When I tried to get the leash from my son, the dog rubbed his poop-covered hip against my leg, smearing poop on my leg. (About the only thing more triggering to me than the smell of dog poop is the feel of it being smeared on my body.) By this point, I started having a panic attack. I washed off the poop and took a Xanax.

The vet was at least able to keep him overnight. Hopefully, the antibiotics will have had enough time to get his colitis somewhat under control before he comes home this evening. (Fingers crossed for a boarding cancellation – he is #2 on the wait list.)

With this start to my Summer Solstice, you can imagine how I felt the rest of the day. I was already feeling “off” from the solstice and physically weakened by the reflux. The dog drama just about put me over the edge.

I am taking the day off after posting this blog. I am having lunch with a couple of girlfriends, which will be fun. After I drop my son off at camp and my husband goes to work, I will have my house TO MYSELF for the first time (on a day that I am not working) since the beginning of April. I plan to rest and enjoy the silence.

Photo credit: Hekatekris

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I am writing this blog entry on the day before the summer solstice. I have not been this triggered in a really long time. I have been struggling for a week – pretty much since the full moon last week – and it feels like there will never be an end to this. I hope that by the time anyone reads this, I’ll be able to say that I have pulled out of this and am doing OK. Right now, I feel anything but OK.

I took the title of this blog entry from something a friend, who is a child abuse survivor, hears from her mother a lot. Her mother says she only has so much nurturing to go around. So, if she is already putting energy into someone else, she will tell her daughter, “It’s not your turn.” Even if my friend is in serious crisis, if it’s “not her turn,” then her mother will not help her – period. I feel like it is never “my turn” in any relationship in my life.

I have been struggling a lot over the past week in particular – insomnia, severe headaches, etc. I feel more memories coming but simply cannot handle them right now. In the midst of this, as I shared on Monday, I am feeling sucked dry by too many relationships in my life. It’s always everyone else’s turn, never mine.

This thing is, I really don’t ask or expect much from anyone else. I was taught at a very young age that my needs don’t matter. In fact, I was taught that I don’t even get to have needs. So, for the most part, I muddle along through my life, trying to help others while pretty much blowing off anything resembling needs of my own. However, when I go through periods of deep triggering as I have recently, I simply have nothing left to give. I am not even asking for anyone to **do** anything for me – I just need them to stop sucking my energy for a day or two.

Back to Monday … I actually got a good night’s sleep courtesy of taking a larger dose of Xanax than normal. I was hopeful it would be a better day. Then, an additional trigger happened, and I came completely unglued. The one trigger wouldn’t have been a big deal if I hadn’t been trying to juggle 50 other triggers as well as the negative energy of several other people in my offline life. That was the last straw. I simply lost it.

I tried to call one friend … and then another … and then another … and then another. I could not find one person to answer the damn phone. I tried seven … yes, seven … friends, and could not reach one of them. I even tried calling my therapist – something I have not done in a couple of years – and couldn’t even reach him.

That’s when I gave up. All I needed was one person to ground me … one person to tell me that I would be okay … one person to tell me that I matter … one person to let it be “my turn” for five minutes. Truly, that’s all I needed.

So, I resisted the deep urge to drive my car into a pole. I also fought the deep urge to take a steak knife to my arm, although that one was harder to fight off. I finally settled on binge eating and Xanax. I turned off the cell phone and house phone. I closed out my inbox. I didn’t matter – nobody called, anyhow. I guess nobody needed anything.

I lay in my bed all day and watched a marathon of a TV show. I slept for a couple of hours. I got up and binged again and watched more TV. I pulled myself together long enough to meet the minimum requirements for my job (all done online) and then went back to doing nothing but watching TV.

I feel so disconnected from my body. I picked up my son from camp and took him to basketball practice. I worked out on the elliptical machine for 30 minutes, but it didn’t feel like my body. I ate dinner, but it didn’t feel like my stomach. I feel so disconnected from everything and everyone. I hope this passes because I cannot live like this.

Photo credit: Hekatekris

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