Posts Tagged ‘unwanted contact from abuser’

Just to recap for newer readers – my mother sexually abused me as a child and provided access for most of my abusers, so I really don’t have any desire to keep this woman in my life. I also have a nine-year-old son who I don’t want anywhere near her. Meanwhile, my sister has chosen to continue a relationship with her and allows her to visit with her grandchildren (14 and 10).

I cut off all personal contact (only letters) with my mother/abuser in 2003 under the advice of my therapist. I set boundaries about what could be in those letters – no talking about the past, reunions, etc. Despite this, my mother/abuser repeated disregards the boundaries, apologizing for stupid things that have nothing to do with the abuse. Until she takes responsibility for the hell she put me through as a child (which will never happen), we have nothing to talk about.

Last year, I chose not to send her a birthday card, and that is when all hell broke loose. She saw that she had nothing to lose, so she started calling and threatened to visit. I sent her a note saying, “Back the f@#$ off!!,” and she left me alone until we saw each other for the first time at my sister’s college graduation in December 2009. Since then, the letters have started again because she thinks that seeing each other in December (where I was looking for places to vomit and was pumped up on Xanax) means that we now have a fresh start.

Now that you are caught up … She had another birthday recently, and I (stupidly) sent her a nondescript card with a couple of recent pictures of my son. I thought this was staving off round two, but apparently it sent her the wrong message in light of the letter I just received:

I was wondering. May 8th [Mother’s Day Weekend!!!!] I’ll be up in [a nearby city] to visit [relatives]. Is there a way that on May 9th [Mother’s Day] I could see you? Then we can sit down and talk out our differences. The maybe we can become friends once more. Or I could see you on May 8, before I get to [city] and have a short stop on my journey up there. I’ll pay for your lunch. Let me know if this will work for you?

Talk out our differences!?!! Become friends one more!?!! When were we ever friends?? It didn’t feel real friendly when my body was offered up to all of her “friends” sexually on and off camera!! These are not “differences.” We are not arguing about paint color or the best sports team. She RAPED me, and she allowed her friends to RAPE me. How do you talk that out?? “I didn’t like it when you let your friends bury me alive or lock me in a box for hours. I wasn’t crazy about the gang rapes or having my first orgasm at your hand when I was a toddler.” No, sorry, don’t see it happening.

I called my sister, and we are going to visit my grandmother [father’s mother] out of state that weekend. I haven’t been to see her in a couple of years because returning to my hometown wigged me out too much. I think seeing my grandmother once more before she dies is a much better use of my time, and maybe I won’t wig out so much knowing that my mother/abuser is in another state.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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On my blog entry entitled Got Another Letter from my Mother/Abuser, a reader posted the following comment:

I would like to offer my unsolicited view. Through this blog I’ve grown to care about you a great deal and respect you and your work. So, while I don’t know the whole story, only you know that… from the information you’ve provided, it appears that you are still in a position where you are being held responsible for your mother’s well being. It is so not fair to you.

Is it possible to have your therapist call mom/abuser’s counselor and communicate to the counselor that it would be healthier for both of you if your mom/abuser is advised to back off and that there are very good reasons. Not only for your benefit, but for your mother’s as well…? I just don’t think it’s healthy or just for you to have to carry all this on your own. Maybe the two of them could set up communications and then HER counselor could be taking on the responsibility of your mother not you. People use mediation all the time when they disagree and I think this is no different. This way you will be covered no matter what happens it is NOT your responsibility. It will fall squarely on the person who is responsible for your mom/abuser’s mental health. What do you think? ~ Mia

Mia’s suggestion is only one of many that I have received. I responded by getting really sick so I didn’t have to deal with it. :0)

At this point, I am still not sure what to do. My therapist initially said to ignore her. However, after contact #3, he left a message saying that we needed to think about what I would say to her if/when she calls again. I have not returned his message. My family is going out to town for Spring Break, and I am checking the Caller ID before answering the phone, so I guess I am just postponing dealing with this issue.

One friend suggested that I have my therapist call my mother’s counselor and say that it is detrimental to my emotional health for my mother/abuser to keep contacting me. Another friend suggested that I write her back and tell her that I have forgiven her for the things she wrote in the letter. That way, she can show her counselor that she resolved the issue and will, hopefully, then leave me alone.

A part of me wants to confront her if she calls. I have told her multiple times to back off. If she continues to push it, then she gets what is coming. Maybe I could say something like, “Until you are ready to take responsibility for all of the child abuse I suffered, we have nothing to talk about,” and then hang up. She can take that comment multiple ways. She can own up to what she did to me personally, or she can own up to one of the numerous people she allowed to hurt me.

For right now, I’ll be getting out of town, and she does not have my cell phone number, so I should at least be able to buy another week of not having to deal with her.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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I spent all last week sick and am still not doing so great. I have had a cold that I fear is moving into a sinus infection. Of course, in the middle of all of this, another letter arrived from my mother/abuser. I shared previously about her last unwanted contact here. My mother sent me a letter in mid-March and then called me. Thank goodness I was not home. Now, she sent me another letter. Considering that I have told her very firmly that I do not want to talk about reconciliation, these three attempts in a short period time are really starting to p#$$ me off. I also don’t think it is a coincidence that I have been sick since this all started.

This letter was another attempt at reconciliation. She wrote an apology for a list of things that she did wrong as a parent. None of the things she included are on my list of reasons for breaking contact with her. Yes, it sucked when she did not take me to a doctor after being kicked by a horse or after having my head slammed in a van door, but that is all water under the bridge. If she really wants to talk reconciliation, she needs to own up to sexually abusing me and providing multiple abusers access to me throughout my childhood. Those are the reasons I don’t want her in my life.

The thing is, I truly do not believe she holds those memories in her conscious mind. I believe that she has repressed them all. That being said, they do leak out from time to time, which has been validating for both my sister and me. If I was to write her back and say, “You need to take responsibility for abusing my sister and me and for allowing others to harm us,” she would likely have a psychotic episode. So, my refusal to have this conversation with her is actually a kindness, but she keeps on pushing.

I called my therapist and left him a message. He returned my call and agreed that I should keep ignoring these contacts but that we need to talk about what I will say if/when she calls again. I was too sick to deal with it and have not returned his call yet. For now, I am just checking the Caller ID before I answer the phone.

As I said, I still feel lousy, so I just don’t want to deal with this crap right now. My sister and a friend both suspect that this is all part of her “counseling” and that the counselor is the one advising her to push this issue. I wish she would just back off.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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