The last few days have been rough. I don’t think it is all about Mother’s Day, though, although I am sure that contributed to it. The initial trigger that caused the spiral was my son being unappreciative. (Yes, I get that he is 11 and that 11-year-old’s aren’t always appreciative, but still…)
I can’t remember if I have already shared this, but hub is halfway through a two-month hiatus from work (long story that is his to share, not mine), so much of my life is “about” him right now. On top of this, my child has special needs, so life is always “about” him as well. In fact, I have taken him to three doctors in a week – one for attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) medication management, one for asthma management, and one for poison ivy on his face.
I think part of what set off the downward spiral is that too much of my life is about the two people who drain the most energy without replenishing it, and I am burning out after five weeks of this (on hub’s end – with my son, it is 11 years of this).
I am not “blaming” either of them for being so needy. I am just stating that I have needs, too, and they have been shoved to the side so I can take care of them. I usually have time during the work week to meet my own needs while hub is at work and child is at school, but hub has been home 24/7 (I work from home) since the beginning of April, and I have had to pick the child up early three out of the last five school days, and all of this is interfering with me meeting me own needs.
When I go through a pity party, it is (ironically) rarely about my childhood. It is about the two areas of my life (being a wife and mother) that take the most effort with the fewest results. I have spent years trying to “cheer hub up,” but he is perpetually unhappy (not with me specifically, but with life in general). I have also spent years taking my child to doctors and educational experts to meet his needs for asthma, ADHD, and learning disabilities, including dyslexia, and there appears to be no end in sight with any of these issues.
I think I am just plain worn out and need a break, but I don’t see a break coming. Hub returns to work, quite literally, the day before my child gets out of school for the summer. I’ll have to figure out some way to nurture myself because I feel like I am going to lose my mind!
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Sorry, everyone. I was hoping that I was up to blogging regularly again, but my life feels like it is spinning so out of control right now that I cannot catch my breath. As I have shared before, I have a difficult time separating out my child’s experiences from my own inner child. Despite my many efforts to help my child be successful in school, his latest report card shows no improvement and even some lost ground. I have been working my @$$ off doing homework with him, finding him a tutor and then taking him there, advocating for all sorts of accommodations for him at school, etc. I might as well have done nothing for the results that I am seeing. I don’t know what else to do.
My son’s asthma has flared up again. Today was supposed to be a “catch up” day, and I am instead spending it on taking care of him, driving him into school late, and then running around getting paperwork together for the newest doctor that he saw yesterday for the first time (for his attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder – ADHD). Couple this with my new keyboard dying (thank goodness I saved the old one as a backup!). I am beginning to conclude that my to-do list will never be completed, and I guess the chips are just going to have to fall where they may. I am only one person, and I have entirely too much on me. I am about ready to quit everything in my life, live in my room, eat bonbons, and forget the rest of the world.
Blooming Lotus 