Posts Tagged ‘worn out’

PhotobucketThe last few days have been rough. I don’t think it is all about Mother’s Day, though, although I am sure that contributed to it. The initial trigger that caused the spiral was my son being unappreciative. (Yes, I get that he is 11 and that 11-year-old’s aren’t always appreciative, but still…)

I can’t remember if I have already shared this, but hub is halfway through a two-month hiatus from work (long story that is his to share, not mine), so much of my life is “about” him right now. On top of this, my child has special needs, so life is always “about” him as well. In fact, I have taken him to three doctors in a week – one for attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) medication management, one for asthma management, and one for poison ivy on his face.

I think part of what set off the downward spiral is that too much of my life is about the two people who drain the most energy without replenishing it, and I am burning out after five weeks of this (on hub’s end – with my son, it is 11 years of this).

I am not “blaming” either of them for being so needy. I am just stating that I have needs, too, and they have been shoved to the side so I can take care of them. I usually have time during the work week to meet my own needs while hub is at work and child is at school, but hub has been home 24/7 (I work from home) since the beginning of April, and I have had to pick the child up early three out of the last five school days, and all of this is interfering with me meeting me own needs.

When I go through a pity party, it is (ironically) rarely about my childhood. It is about the two areas of my life (being a wife and mother) that take the most effort with the fewest results. I have spent years trying to “cheer hub up,” but he is perpetually unhappy (not with me specifically, but with life in general). I have also spent years taking my child to doctors and educational experts to meet his needs for asthma, ADHD, and learning disabilities, including dyslexia, and there appears to be no end in sight with any of these issues.

I think I am just plain worn out and need a break, but I don’t see a break coming. Hub returns to work, quite literally, the day before my child gets out of school for the summer. I’ll have to figure out some way to nurture myself because I feel like I am going to lose my mind!

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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I saw the Ears, Nose, and Throat expert (ENT) on Tuesday and had a CT scan performed. The ENT found no issues with my sinuses at all. He said that 90% of reported sinus issues do not originate in the sinuses. He doesn’t doubt there is something “wrong,” but it is not sinus-related. His speculation is migraines.

I was beyond frustrated because I just want to feel better, and it’s hard to know how to feel better when you don’t know what’s wrong with you. I went through this with my infertility. I was told over and over again that there is no medical explanation for why I haven’t eventually gotten pregnant through numerous medical procedures. Nevertheless, 16 years have passed without me ever getting pregnant. (Trust me – pregnancy is the LAST thing on my mind these days.)

I took a step back and thought about what could be causing the sinus pain and headaches. I started noticing just how much stomach acid I have churning. I suspect some of the pain is coming from reflux, which has been an ongoing issue for me. When I first started therapy, I lost my voice a few times. It took a while for me to recognize that reflux was kicking up my stomach acids and tearing up my vocal chords.

I don’t see reflux as a cause, though – it’s a symptom of stress. Yes, I have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), but my stress goes well beyond that. I starting thinking about the last 15 months of my life, some of which I have shared and some that I haven’t. Just on the list I have shared includes …

  • Breakup up 9-year friendship
  • Cold/sinus infection (Jan through Feb 2012)
  • Emotional meltdown over summer – never determined exact cause
  • Issues with special needs child
  • Sinus infection that went into vertigo (Dec 2010 through Feb 2011)
  • Stressful, low-paying (was promised more than I was paid), part-time job that I have since quit

I haven’t shared about issues I have been dealing with that involve supporting others in my offline life since those issues are not mine to share. The big picture is that three people I am close to are dealing with lots of anxiety related to economic issues. I also have two people I am close to dealing with health issues. Being strong for others eventually takes its toll.

I think the bottom line is that I am just plain worn out. I have been running on empty for so long that I don’t even remember what it feels like not to be running on empty. I am not quite sure how to get out of this hellish place. I have prayed, cried, tried to take time for myself, etc., but at the end of the day, I am still trying to be a rock for too many people with too little time to recharge my own batteries.

Photo credit: Hekatekris

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PhotobucketMy sister and nephews are coming into town today, and they will be here for week. That is one reason that I will be blogging sporadically. This is the only time of year they visit, so my son and I want to spend lots of time with them.

Before I can blow off everything else that needs to be done at home, I have had to work extra hard to get it finished before they arrive. This includes paying bills, cleaning the house, and doing the myriad other things that need to be done in any household. Basically, my situation isn’t much different than what is going on in thousands, or even millions, of households across the country as Christmas approaches.

My son’s Winter Break started yesterday, so I involved him in the housecleaning. I paid him to clean the house with me for two hours, and we worked very hard. After we finished sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, dusting, etc., we both dropped into my bed exhausted. I fell asleep while we were watching a TV show, and I slept like the dead.

I think I have been running on adrenaline for several weeks now. I got through a day that is typically difficult for me without any problems. In fact, I had a very pleasant day, which is unusual for me. I think I am reaping the benefits of “being with” the pain of the last cluster of memories. I am usually feeling hostile toward Christmas by now. Instead, I am at peace with it. I am not giddy and “into” Christmas, but the hostility is gone.

Back to yesterday … My son woke me after an hour, and my body didn’t want to cooperate as I cooked dinner. I felt like I was walking through water. Every movement was physically difficult to do.

I laid down in my bed at 8:00 p.m. to watch TV. My son came in my room at 8:20 to be tucked in, and he asked me to go downstairs to get him some water. I simply could not move. It wasn’t just that I didn’t want to get up – I couldn’t get up. My son thought it was a game and tried to “force” me up by pulling off the covers, taking my pillows, etc. I actually fell asleep in an uncomfortable position. I could hear him calling the dogs to his room, etc., but my body would not move. It’s like I was trapped in a comatose body. I was aware of my body’s deep breathing, but I couldn’t move.

I eventually forced myself to get up (after about 30 minutes) to blow out the candle and turn off the light. I slept for four hours, got up to use the bathroom, and then slept for another solid six hours, all with no medications to help me sleep. I have still felt trapped in that “walking in water” state today and feel like I could sleep all day. (I have two ADHD children running around the house – my son and his friend – so napping is not an option.)

I think my body is trying to recuperate from so many nights of insomnia. I also think I was getting by on adrenaline, and now that it has stopped, I am left with an exhausted body. Let’s just say I am actually feeling my age!

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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Worn Out

Sorry, everyone. I was hoping that I was up to blogging regularly again, but my life feels like it is spinning so out of control right now that I cannot catch my breath. As I have shared before, I have a difficult time separating out my child’s experiences from my own inner child. Despite my many efforts to help my child be successful in school, his latest report card shows no improvement and even some lost ground. I have been working my @$$ off doing homework with him, finding him a tutor and then taking him there, advocating for all sorts of accommodations for him at school, etc. I might as well have done nothing for the results that I am seeing. I don’t know what else to do.

I am in the process of screening a private school that is expensive but is specially designed for children with my son’s particular issues (ADHD with learning disabilities). Meanwhile, hub (who is allergic to spending money) is looking to point the blame at me – that I am not strict enough, etc. When a child has a learning disability, you can bribe or beat him, and neither will make a difference because they simply do not learn like other children do.

Several other less important things have blown up this week, too, and I just want to crawl under a rock and avoid it all. I am so worn out. I am canceling things right and left because I just need some time to catch my breath. Now my kid is having diarrhea, and his best friend just got over a stomach virus, so I don’t know if I have that ahead of me as well.

Please hang in there. I will blog as I can. Right now, I just want to lock myself in a room and cry for a year.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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Can’t Seem to Catch a Break

My son’s asthma has flared up again. Today was supposed to be a “catch up” day, and I am instead spending it on taking care of him, driving him into school late, and then running around getting paperwork together for the newest doctor that he saw yesterday for the first time (for his attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder – ADHD). Couple this with my new keyboard dying (thank goodness I saved the old one as a backup!). I am beginning to conclude that my to-do list will never be completed, and I guess the chips are just going to have to fall where they may. I am only one person, and I have entirely too much on me. I am about ready to quit everything in my life, live in my room, eat bonbons, and forget the rest of the world.

Believe it or not, I am doing okay despite all of the outside stressors. It is incredibly frustrating to recognize that never in my life will I ever get a break or catch up. So, I popped a couple of Xanax and plan to take a leisurely lunch before trying to knock out one or two things before my kid gets home from school. I don’t know what else to do. I cannot run perpetually at maximum capacity, so I guess a whole lot of @#$% that has been dumped on my to-do plate just won’t be getting done. C’est la vie.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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