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Archive for November 3rd, 2008

I hate this time of year. Once Halloween rolls around, a funk settles upon me, and that funk will not lift until after the New Year. I call it my holiday funk. As much as I try to fight it, this is simply one of my realities. I would like to think that it will eventually change, but it doesn’t look like this is going to be the year that it does.

My father passed away at this time of year, which doesn’t help. He was the sane parent. Even though he wasn’t a great parent, he was better than my mother/abuser. He is the one who at least made my mother stop abusing me when I was six. (He failed to stop numerous others from abusing me, but at least he stopped her.) She abused me again after he died.

But I really don’t think that the anniversary of my father’s passing is what kicks off this funk. I think it is all of the terrible memories that center around the holidays. School was my lifeline, where I had friends and teachers who cared about me. I was actually safe there. The holidays meant that school would be closed, so I was stuck spending my time around my abusers.

I have specific memories of being abused around the Christmas tree. I have no memories at all of celebrating Christmas with either of my parents through age 23. I remember spending Christmas Eves at my grandparents’ house starting when I was around seven or so. However, I know we had a Christmas tree at home and opened some of our presents there, but those memories have been wiped clean.

I am fighting not to succumb to the depression, but I sense it looming about me. I need to find a way to process the grief without giving into it and letting it run my life for the next couple of months. I really do not want to resign myself to feeling miserable for the rest of the year.

And yet, it is all starting – the insomnia … the reluctance to go to bed at night … waking in the middle of the night and being unable to sleep again … wanting to stay extra busy so my mind is not idle … deep pain whenever I am not distracting myself. It just plain stinks.

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Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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