Here is what I am wrestling with right now. I hope that someone has an answer or a suggestion for me…
My healthiest state of being is staying present in my life. When I am able to stay present, my weight drops very quickly because I only eat until I am no longer hungry. Weight loss is effortless. The issue isn’t just weight, though. When I stay present, I am not so tense and intense. I am able to appreciate the little things, such as the warmth of the sun or the beautiful blue sky. Life feels like it is worth living when I can stay present in my body.
Thanks to so many illnesses in my family immediately followed by another deep layer of healing work to do (including lots of flashbacks, nightmares, and body memories), I am having trouble getting back to staying present. I am not binge eating anywhere near what I have done in the past, so my weight isn’t too bad (fluctuating by about five pounds – in past years, I could jump 10 to 20 pounds in a very short period of time). However, because I am having trouble staying present, I am also having trouble determining when I am no longer hungry. That’s a real problem when I eat out on the weekends, and restaurant portions are so much larger than my body needs.
This isn’t just about weight, although I am frustrated with that part of my life. It’s also about losing touch with the beauty of being alive. I have only had three or four “good” days since November, and that is too low of a ratio to make it feel like all of my hard work is worth it. There really isn’t another choice – my subconscious is going to keep spewing out these memories no matter what I do – but this hard work would seem more purposeful if there was some sort of payoff, and the payoff I am looking for is more than 3 or 4 “good” days every four months, which basically breaks down to one good day a month or a 1:30 ratio of good days to bad ones. That’s not okay with me.
I know the key is to get back to staying present, but how do I do that? How do I stay present while, at the same time, sorting through so many hellish memories and emotions? I worked out this morning, including yoga and meditation. Those tools will help, but I don’t know if they will be enough or not. I need a way to convince myself that I can stay present and work through the past issues at the same time. How do I do that? Just looking forward to the absence of physical or emotional pain from time to time is not enough for me.
Photo credit: Hekatekris