Here is what I am wrestling with right now. I hope that someone has an answer or a suggestion for me…
My healthiest state of being is staying present in my life. When I am able to stay present, my weight drops very quickly because I only eat until I am no longer hungry. Weight loss is effortless. The issue isn’t just weight, though. When I stay present, I am not so tense and intense. I am able to appreciate the little things, such as the warmth of the sun or the beautiful blue sky. Life feels like it is worth living when I can stay present in my body.
Thanks to so many illnesses in my family immediately followed by another deep layer of healing work to do (including lots of flashbacks, nightmares, and body memories), I am having trouble getting back to staying present. I am not binge eating anywhere near what I have done in the past, so my weight isn’t too bad (fluctuating by about five pounds – in past years, I could jump 10 to 20 pounds in a very short period of time). However, because I am having trouble staying present, I am also having trouble determining when I am no longer hungry. That’s a real problem when I eat out on the weekends, and restaurant portions are so much larger than my body needs.
This isn’t just about weight, although I am frustrated with that part of my life. It’s also about losing touch with the beauty of being alive. I have only had three or four “good” days since November, and that is too low of a ratio to make it feel like all of my hard work is worth it. There really isn’t another choice – my subconscious is going to keep spewing out these memories no matter what I do – but this hard work would seem more purposeful if there was some sort of payoff, and the payoff I am looking for is more than 3 or 4 “good” days every four months, which basically breaks down to one good day a month or a 1:30 ratio of good days to bad ones. That’s not okay with me.
I know the key is to get back to staying present, but how do I do that? How do I stay present while, at the same time, sorting through so many hellish memories and emotions? I worked out this morning, including yoga and meditation. Those tools will help, but I don’t know if they will be enough or not. I need a way to convince myself that I can stay present and work through the past issues at the same time. How do I do that? Just looking forward to the absence of physical or emotional pain from time to time is not enough for me.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
You’re obviously having a really rough time lately. I’m very sorry that that is so. You’re in my thoughts. I have little advice. The only thing that works for me is to get as much sleep as absolutely possible, almost being disciplined about getting 12 hours or more if there’s any chance I might need it. It can be very difficult when you’ve got family commitments though. It’s like, with flashbacks I’m living very intensely, so I have to balance that by being intense about resting too, if that makes sense.
Jan, I think there is a lot of wisdom in your answer, although I find it VERY difficult to live. During my bad times (and I am going through one at the moment) it seems like something or someone in me is fighting my going to bed like crazy. I plan to go to bed at 10 and then there is so much to do or I am wired or just HAVE to journal in order to get some sense of ‘order’ in my brain – and all of a sudden it is 2 or 3am! And I have to get up at 7!
Faith, I am sorry to hear that there are so few good days for you – reading your blogs it does not feel quite as ‘dark’, but you know best what it is like for you. What I find to help staying present – at least sometimes – it to make music. I play recorders, guitar and flute and have recently added piano, clarinet and trumpet. Since I am at home a lot, I try to take a ten minute break every hour or so in order to practice one of the instruments. I am not sure what exactly it is – maybe that I need to take controlled deep breaths with most of the instruments or maybe because I have to focus on reading the music and at the same time ‘telling’ my hands what to do…it often works…don’t know, if that is of help to anyone…
Take care!
Faith, sending you love and support.
I have found certain Buddhist practices very helpful. I practice them during meditation, but increasingly rely on them when I am processing trauma. One is staying in the present moment. Worrying about the future (ie, it will always be this bad) feels worse than sitting with the pain.
Another is metta – loving kindness practice. I send loving kindness to myself when things are hard. When I hear about bad things happening to others, I send loving kindness to them. It helps open up my heart and helps me hold pain with compassion.
I don’t know if these tools are right for you, but I thought I’d throw them out there. I do want to remind you that you do have an amazing set of your own tools. You’re in deep process right now, and it may be a while before you see the results of your healing, but they will come. Hang in there.
I thought a little more about this, and there’s another practice that helps. When I meditate and realize that my mind is drifting, I gently label what it’s doing before returning my attention to the breath. It could say to myself, “thinking, thinking” or “planning, planning” or more likely, “worrying, worrying.” Then I manage another couple of breaths before I float off and repeat the whole process. Each time I notice and return to the breath, I strengthen my ability to get back to the present moment.
I’ve started doing something similar when I’m not meditating. Before I recover memories, there’s a period where I’m anxious and keyed up for no apparent reason. Instead of spiraling off into the thoughts, I often silently label the emotion. Today I spent a couple of hours saying, “fear, fear” to myself and focusing on the sensation in my chest. Other times it’s “anxiety, anxiety” or “revulsion, revulsion.” This feels better than when I get lost in the thoughts like “you’re an awful person” or “this will never get better” or “you’re going to die.” That last one especially is terrifying when I believe it.
The cool thing is that I’ve gotten good enough at this that I can do it while I’m interacting with other people or doing work. Although frankly, when I’m alone, I tend to find something to distract me instead of dealing with what’s going on internally. Maybe working on that is my next step. 🙂
Faith, sending warm gentle hugs and kindness to you just now.
There are such good ideas already given by others. The one thing my sister (a life coach) helps me with when I am in cascade and can’t find now is to just be present in one moment. Sometimes I take it from the top of my head down. How does my hair feel, my forehead, my eyes, my nose…and as I ask, I do what Sarah says, send lovingkindness that direction. It helps me return to the present in that moment. I may only be able to do that for a few moments at a time, maybe only 5 minutes in a day, but it is extremely restful and pulls me into the beauty of the moment of living just a little.
Also, i practice intentional breathing…one method (taught by Dr. Weill) is to take a cleansing breath then breathe in to the count of 4, hold for 7 and breathe out forcefully but not a gale for 8 counts. On bad days I even lose count during that short time. But i just try again. I do 4 rbreathes a couple times a day.
Just ideas…different things work for different people, hoping some things folks post help you. We all love you so much, we just want you to have respite.
Gentle hugs,
ruby
I am waiting to get into a hospital so I have little credibility that being said we gave up the trying to self sooth and stayed as present with our misery as possible, letting our body feel what we did not let it feel before. Releasing what was there rather than trying to replace it with what we wished was there.
We did not embrace the despair and hopelessness rather let our body do what it needed to do. We learned about our body and what it needed. Knowing we would in the future feel the sun again although we could not in the present.
We intellectually went with what is good for a body that has not experience trauma and one that is not processing trauma might be different, that practices of soothing assume a base line which we did not have so could not get to.
We accepted the cycle of doing better so we could do worse as a result of choices that were made for us.
This is not an accepting that it always has to be this way rather the path that we need to take to get there is likely not that same as a person without unprocessed traumatic experiences.
This tract feels right where before it felt wrong and would lead to a life time of having to cope. I am doing better. I like how I experiencing life better now although I do not like what I am experiencing.
Hey Michael,
“that practices of soothing assume a base line which we did not have so could not get to” – thanx for putting into words what I felt overwhelmingly when learning about self-care…
Hi Faith,
I have been following your blog for a while, and have been trying to read most of your story from before I started, but this is my first time writing to you.
First, I am so sorry that humans can hurt other humans, and helpless children no less, so deeply. I am so sorry you were one of the hurt children.
With compassion for you and others who have such terrible PTSD, I must suggest something that I haven’t seen mentioned much on these blogs. I hear EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Re…. response, reprogramming, I can’t remember what it stands for but you can search on it) works well especially for people who can experience flashbacks right here right now. I have tried it but my trauma doesn’t produce flashbacks. My friend, whose mother sexually abused her, tried it recently, and she felt it to be powerful, but is suspending judgment until the long run plays out. However, she is doing better in subtle but significant ways. She did also try some other things, too, so it may have all played together.
It takes some courage to undergo EMDR, as you must pull up the experience in the presence of the practitioner, but Faith, you seem to have a wealth of courage.
Blue Cross covered mine, so they must have concluded that it works, if that is any more reassurance.
With best wishes,
Freasha
Hi, Freasha1964.
Thanks for posting a comment!
I have never tried EMDR, but I have heard a lot about it. I didn’t know that medical insurance might cover it — that is worth exploring. :0)
I did my own “at home” version of EMDR to help with my phobia of Russian nesting dolls, and it did help. Whenever I was triggered, I would see the doll against the backdrop of a peaceful ocean, and it would calm me down.
– Faith
My therapist specializes in trauma and does EMDR. If your insurance covers the therapist, there shouldn’t be any extra charge for the EMDR. I would look into it.
((((((((((((Faith))))))))))
Safe hugs if acceptable
We have no clear answers and we are sorry for what is going on it is so very hard, like being caught in a web.
We are never in a good place since we started with memories of our childhood, in a way we understand.
Sending you support and good kind thoughts. Want you to know we are thinking of you.
Take care
anon
One small thing I do that helps get me out of my own head (which is hard to do!) is to focus for a moment on something physical in my environment. What the floor feels like under my feet. The stripes on the upholstery in my living room (I love my living room furniture so this makes me even more glad). The smell of melting ice on the air, now that it’s nearly springtime. Taking a short while to focus fully on these things is easier for me than the abstract concept of ‘stayiing present’ and I find that it relieves me, for at least a while, of the whirl of thoughts and anxiety in my brain. Hope that this helps. And thank you for writing your way through this hard time. You’re right, this is the stuff that makes your story so valuable to your readers–your willingness to be honest about how hard it is. I hope you get another good day asap.
Faith,
I hope some of the suggestions you receive will help. Of course I have a few…
Leave little notes to yourself around the house to remind you…
Make a habit of touching your belly/abdomen, then breath deeply into that space. That is your center. (This is one way that I read about to remind yourself of your body).
Mantra as much as possible. Choose something meaningful (for instance, I use the phrase:” Every step is a prayer”)
I can check my coach training materials and look for varying ways because we never know which method we’ll click with.
I’ll email you if I find anything compelling.
Good luck, my thoughts are with you.
Peace,
mia
I don’t have clear answers, either. Everyone copes so differently. What I do, tho, is to find a safe place and allow the memories to flow. Sometimes, there is something important for me to know and if I fight it, the more difficult my life becomes.
Hi Faith,
I just want you to know you are not alone in your “dark place”. I am there with you too. I am experiencing my own dark place right now, but reading your blog helps me to know I am not alone there. I hope in some small way you can feel my loving thoughts surrounding you as we both look to find our way out of this place.
“I don’t enjoy being in pain. I don’t think it has anything to do with not “working hard enough,” I simply suffered from that much trauma.”
“I continue to struggle with the release of “flashes” of memories.”
“I experience the terrors of the child.”
“I am also wrestling with body memories.”
“How do I stay present while, at the same time, sorting through so many hellish memories and emotions?”
“my subconscious is going to keep spewing out these memories no matter what I do.”
All of these are things that you have said over the last two days…these are the exact same things that I have said on this blog, and in my ‘real’ life! I try with everything I have not to sleep, because of the nightmares, and the physical pain that I feel during the nightmares. It is like re-living it over and over again!
I hope you can figure out something that helps you get through it.
Hi Faith,
Staying on a schedule for self care, particularly of my body, has helped me stay present in my later recovery (I’m not DID that I know of, but I’ve been healing from complex PTSD for 20 years now). My current schedule includes:
1) Taking six salmon oil capsules a day (2 grams of Omega 3 fatty acids). The omega 3 fatty acids have a lot of demonstrated mental health benefits. PTSD is partly about the brain and nervous system, and omega 3’s help with that.
2) Taking two multivitamins daily (seems like a lot, but I had a doctor recommend it)
3) Taking a low dose coated ‘daily dose’ aspirin daily- reduces inflammation and is doctor recommended for people over 40. There is some scientific evidence connecting physical and emotional pain, so reducing the physical pain can lower emotional pain as well. It seems to work for me.
Note: I can easily forget to do the above. I have a big ‘pill reminder’ box with compartments I use that I keep in the kitchen where I will stumble across it often. I also track doing my self care stuff on a chart on my computer.
4) Drinking a glass of water mindfully daily
5) making sure my hands, feed and neck are always warm – by doing this I pretty much have to check in with my body regularly, and if I notice my feet are cold, I haven’t been. I make a point of dealing with the cold body part right away, even if I’m working. Since I’ve been doing this I notice I am far more present.
6) I do something for my spiritual life every Saturday. I walk a labyrinth, get into nature, sing, something. I write every Sunday.
I wrote about a bunch of this self care stuff and also a post on getting and staying grounded on my blog. Here’s a link to the grounding post. http://sworddancewarrior.wordpress.com/2010/12/28/what-i-learned-about-grounding/ I’m guessing you might already know most of the strategies in it, but there might be one or two missed. My faith is different that yours, and I mention it in context, so if that’s a trigger, you might want to skip it.
However, you might find this helpful. I’ve also been working on becoming more happy, and I’ve found some strategies that worked, and write about them here.
http://sworddancewarrior.wordpress.com/2011/01/13/what-ive-learned-about-happiness/
Earlier in recovery, I couldn’t have been this structured about self care. I was too spacey to remember to do it, and these strategies only make a big impact if done consistently. Then I used a book by Jennifer Louden called “the women’s comfort book” and when things got bad, I’d look in the index midway through the book which suggests a self comfort thing to do based on how you are feeling.
It gets better. When I was at the 7 year mark, things were still often as overwhelming as they seem to be for you now. And my spouse relationship was not as supportive as it is now either. It does get a lot better. You will make it.
SDW
Hi, SDW.
Thanks for telling me that my experiences are normal for the seven year mark and doubly so for the reference about your spouse relationship. I am feeling frustrated with both right now.
– Faith
Hi Faith,
The spouse relationship issues (particularly sex, of course) have always been a challenge. I’ve always been with people who didn’t have any personal history of trauma, and they just didn’t get it. The person I’m married to now, and have been with for the past ten years, gets it the best of anyone I’ve been with. I think I was so careful not to let partners see the horror and what I deal with day to day because I didn’t want to freak them out, that they didn’t have enough information to have empathy for what I was going through. My spouse has recently ‘got it’ at a whole new level as I found a better way to explain about PTSD and memories and why I can’t just ‘get over it and move on’.
May everything work out in the best possible way.
SDW
Faith
I can totally understand where you are coming from. I have a hard time staying in the present all the time. I have to be real careful with what I do. Driving has become a huge issue for me because I tend to space out in quiet spaces. To help me with that I have to play music, songs that I know every word to, it keeps me focused. When I am really bad I go to the beach something about the water, sand and breathing as I walk helps. I count the waves and think of them as washing away the past and washing in the present. I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone else but it works for me.
Also the food issue, I am an impulse eater, the loves to shovel food in. To help me with this when I go to restaurants, I do a couple things.
1. I order water – it has not calories and it allows me to really taste what I am eating.
2. When my meal arrives, I cut it at least in half sometimes thirds. Then I only allow myself to eat that portion.
3. I try to avoid foods that you eat with your fingers – fries, chips, etc. My hands are always moving because of nervousness and panic and eating with them causes me to lose track of how many times they go to my mouth. Use a fork and knife make me have to focus on the mechanics of cutting and spearing. It keeps me more focus on what is actually going to my mouth.
4. Avoid the extras – starters, desserts, soups, even salads with lots of dressing. Most of them are fatty. Hope this helps
You have already gotten some great advice here.
I don’t have much to add. But I do understand those dark times, the last few months have been that way for me.
Rest is a big part of being present for me, exercise can help too.
Sending you safe hugs, good thoughts, and prayers.
Hi Faith,
I have done EMDR as mentioned in some of the previous posts, it has been very helpful to connect with my memorories and then release them.
I’ve also done energetic work along with Heller work, this combination together has been the most powerful. Since sexual abuse is not only a emotional trauma it’s also a body and spiritual trauma, body work seems to be another piece of the puzzle for healing. I’ve made the biggest shifts in a short amount of time doing this work. It’s not easy work but healing never is. The experience I’ve had with this work is the trauma and memories seem to just leave my body, I don’t feel like it lives in me anymore. I now view the abuse as an observer instead of from an emotional victom place. I still have more trauma to work through but I feel hopeful that I’m closing in on the long dark tunnel.
Another thing that has worked for me is flower essence, they really helped me heal at the soul level. It’s amazing how quickly things shifted for me after only a day or so of taking them. You should talk to someone who know’s what to prescribe. Sometimes energy workers of Heller workers work with flower essence that was the case with me.
Blessings!!!
Hi Faith,
Apologies for the late response. One thing that helps me everytime to get grounded fast is walking outside barefoot. It immediately brings me into the present and I am able to connect with nature and the universe. This in turn helps calm me. In good weather, I will lay on a blanket in my backyard for hours, just soaking in the sun and feeling my body against the ground. It makes me feel very organic and simple.
I am right there with you with comfort/emotional/binge eating. I have gained over 60lbs in the past 4 years since starting recovering memories. I am trying to practive intuitive eating these days. But most importantly, I try to practive forgiveness and loving kindness toward myself when I fail.
May you find peace today.
Being present eludes me most of the time as well since my default(surviving) mode is being NOT present. So for me to achieve being present I first had to accept that most of the time Im not. For me this means realising when Im not present. When I accept that in this moment I am not present, I cannot help but being present to how Im not present. Simply (but not easy) acknowledging that Im not present is the key to being present. I have a routine where I screen myself by asking myself throughout the day if Im present. When Im triggered this is very difficult and might take me up to 2 days to realise Im not present. But as soon as I realise Im not present, the trigger loses its grip and Im “coming back.”
This is the beauty of acceptance. I do not have to be present in order to be present. But I need to accept that Im not present. Its then when I make contact with my reality and this is when being present sets in.
Hope I can offer a new perspective on presence being all about acceptance:)
Hi carolin4real,
the attitude you describe is almost exactly what in therapy I too am learning. Acknowledgement of how things are for me now (simply stating: ok, I can see that this is my truth now), acceptance of this and then releasing my desperate need to change this present truth.
Also something I learned from my T that is extremely helpful to me: I imagine a soothing picture in my mind and switch between the traumatizing images and the soothing picture every few breaths.
By concentrating and visualizing the soothing picture in between going back to the images of the flashbacks(/triggers/…), I can very quickly feel the negative tension that was building up because of the flashback, lose its intensity. After some minutes most of the tension has already left my body and I feel much calmer and far more present again.
It’s something I should do much more than I already do, because it helps with small frustrations as well as with very intense emotions. And it makes so much difference.
malanie here again. i needed a place to post this comment and concern i have. any comments or suggestions…help? !! // seldom do i have a date out with my girlfriend. usually we stay home. this was a big event she really wanted to go to planned many months ago . we went with 2 other people i know somewhat. i honestly looked soooo forward to it. i was like a little kid. i bought a new outfit , got my hair cut, put makeup on. i was excited. she was excite. we went to dinner first and i was fine. ‘fine’. i was handling the ‘group’ outing and conversing like a normal person and not in a panic. yeah. then we went to a show. it was one i enjoy and looked forward to . all the sudden i was just exhausted. and damned if i didnt fall asleep. she woke me and i know was a annoyed. tho she got over it quickly. intermission. i went outside walked around hoping the cold would wake me up. i fell asleep several times. i couldnt help it. i was so embarrassed and angry with myself. i was so hard on myself about it. i still am berating myself at how rude that was and hurtful to her and embarrassing to me. /// i can only figure that the day we went i had had nitemares the nite before and therapy the day of. and some of my excitement was gone. i was sad. and i tried to put out there my ‘persona’ i create. and did well. was ‘normal’. but then someone at dinner asked what time it was and 530 was the answer. that is a trigger for me. especially since i have been having flashbacks. thats when my father got home from work.//// i did fully expect her to be angry with me. just as i always feel she will get tired of my ‘crap’ and find someone ‘normal’ without this extra leg og abuse weighting them down. she hasnt done that. and a huge part of me thinks she wont. i do know how vwry much she loves me. she was ‘irritated’ at first. then concerned. then i was upset later on the fone. i went home to sleep.. plans altered. and she was disappointed.. but ‘ok’ and when we talked on fone she was sad i was upset and realized i was embarrassed and felt stupid and like i ruined the special event. // today i will see her. i will hope she is ok. i think she will be. i hope so. ///i feel so terrible. i dont know why i would just ‘vacate’ like that. sleeping is not exactly disassociating…..but sleeping is an escape mechanism for me when im overwhelmed. help. i feel so miserable. malanie
**trigger warnings… **sex abuse violence profanity** DEAR faith, hi. couple things. Thanks for the encouragement to try one more time…….. i did re-send an email to my sister asking yes/no format questions explaining that i was trying to help myself and find some validation…and not trying to hurt her. i will let you know if i ever get any answer. //////TO: FAITH AND ALL OTHERS WHO WOULD READ…. okay now. i wrote above in this section that i had my date that i fell asleep during. things seem to be okay on the homefront with my girlfriend. she was a bit hurt and irritated. it was a big occasion. but i think she mostly doesnt understand what happened and why i was so exhausted . i do get it now. and she was by this a.m. just mostly concerned that i and we are ok. / i will have to explain more of my abuse stuff to her i just dont know how to without possibly making her view me and any intimacy differently. i will talk with my therapist too about this. i realized now why i went into sleep fade out mode… after writing and thinking and remembering more of my nitemare. i was so so excited the day before new outfit i couldnt afford, haircut, looked pretty. wanted to feel pretty. i was excited all day. cleaned house and did dishes. went to bed. had nitemare. i only remembered a little of it the next day. i woke up in a panic and in a sweat and feeling small. scared. i had therapy which went by too fast and didnt talk about the dream. i was sad tho all day. i was not nervous to go tho it was with 2 other people as i said and that is a bit overwhelming for me. i dont want to repeat myself from my prior comment. the big thing is i remembered my dream and i think between the dream (memory???) and the 530 time coming up and walking to the theatre i saw a dandelion which reminded me of my grandma. the only place i ever slept peacefully and felt loved and safe and she would tuck the quilts in around me. (oddly that was my fathers mother)…. and just going out period with others..i think i just couldnt deal with it and i blanked out …my way being self induced sleep. i sleep to not deal at times. the 1st trigger being i had planned to wear a dress. i couldnt. my father used to have me as a child and as a teenager wear no underware and a skirt . / so it was a trigger. thus i found a decent clearance dressy pants and girly jacket with a pretty top. / trigger number 2.. ihad done dishes before sleeping and then had nitemare. this is nitemare ANYONE READ AND HELP INTERPRET PLEASE. – in my nitemare i was standing in my kitchen now and i couldnt get the faucet to turn on. i tried and tried and was in a panic. my father was standing behind me with his hands on my waist but moved it to be only one hand on my back pressing into me. i could feel my stomach at the counter being pushed hard into the counter. my legs were apart like i was trying to keep my footing.. i had a skirt on bunched up to my waist from behind and barefoot. at first in my dream i was at my current houses sink looking out that window i could see my backyard now. then, i got the water to turn on finally and it came out in spurts and bursts and i was so relieved and my fathers hand got tight against my back and when i looked out the window then i was looking at the backyard of my childhood. he was hurting me. i could feel pain. and then as i tried to turn the faucets back off i couldnt get them to shut off and i tried so hard… frantic. i knew in my dream that the room would flood and i would drown i couldnt swim and that he would hold my head under. i woke up then sweat panic fear feeling like a child. //// ok. in my real life… dishes were something he always checked after me and if i didnt do them to his satisfaction he would hurt me. whatever way he deemed that he wanted to. his control of me. and dishes panic me if anyone comments something isnt clean. its a trigger. and in real life he made me wear the skirts so he could touch me. and in real life he made me learn to swim by tossing me in without me learning how. i never have swam well. i dont think he ever tried to drown me but with him im not certain. but i sure felt like he was trying to drown me when he tossed me in. it scared me to death. we lived on a lake. i hated the lake. water scares me still. /// i think my nitemare was a memory too. im actually certain of it.this afternoon when it came back to me.. i immediately got that in my gut im nauseaus sick feeling when thinking about remembering the dream…. i remember him standing behind me fucking me from behind either with himself or an object. it hurt tho. so id opt that it was an object. while i did dishes. and i was supposed to continue to do the dishes and get them clean but also have an orgasm and come for him. i was in a panic that i couldnt do either thing right. and if i didnt do the dishes right he would hurt me. and if i didnt have an orgasm and get wet for him he would keep at it til i did or cause horrific pain until i did.// ( in that way of making pain and pleasure and fear part of the sex it was confusing but i always had to tell him if he” hurt me enough” and that ” i love you, daddy”. how messed up is that.??) the more i remembered of the dream the more i was certain that PART WAS A MEMORY. i can even describe my skirt. pink. long crinkly material. so if it Is a memory it was after i went back for child support visitation. i didnt have that skirt before then./// ANYONE HAVE ANY COMMENTS HERE. ANY INTERPRETATION IM MISSING? so…faith, how do i explain to my girlfriend that skirts and dandelions and someone asking the time and its “530” and dishes and my nitemare being all triggers ? and my one way i decided to cope was to shut down..sleep. i couldnt talk about it. or cry. or panic. i was with people. and i hadnt remembered all the nitemare…?????? how do i tell her in the nitemare/memory he was raping my ass with himself or an object and hurting me while i tried to do dishes? and that i was a teenager. she will get and does get abuse at a young age. but 17 is…i know..going to be hard for her to understand and precess. how do i tell her that? thanks for listening. malanie
Hi Malanie,
Good for you that you managed to figure out what triggered you to blank out and fall asleep on your date.
Concerning your dream: it seems like you found a lot of meaning in it already. As dreams use images to represent personal themes, I believe that the best interpretor is the person dreaming it.
This would be my additional reading (apart from triggers and themes that have a particular meaning for you): it seems to me like your dream deals with your current state of mind and current emotions (standing in your present kitchen) regarding the past abuse (when your father acts like you were used to, looking out on a place of the past)
And because you are looking for confirmation by your sister (maybe the tap that didn’t work is related to that fear: that nothing will come out of the questions asked and the mails sent) and then when water (=information, emotions?) does come out, it comes in floods. So maybe that represents you fear that you will be flooded and may drown by all the facts and emotions about your past and abuses (you give it a huge part of your energy and attention daily – it’s a dominant factor in your life and functioning at the moment because of the ‘zoo’ in your head, so the zoo= the flooding?)
And about the talking to your girlfriend: you can start by simply telling her that the things you mentioned (dandelions etc.) triggered you because of your abuse history and that this induced the sleeping episode. That this is your means of escape in your mind.
And about the age you were abused: it has been mentioned several times here on the blog by different people: you were abused as a child, never had the opportunity to defend yourself without dire consequences attached if you did. So how could you have learned to alter the behaviour that was taught to you all those years? You were conditioned to behave the way you did, i.e. to let the abuse happen the way he wanted. I’m sure that if she is willing to understand child abuse at a young age that if you explain the mechanism to her, that she too will understand that you will react the same way when you are 17.
chloe, wht you say makes logically sense to me. i hadnt thought about the connection to my sister and my email again to her asking for answers (validation). she did say she would reply. i am waiting. still feeling unimportant. in limbo. / i guess i am scared to think i protected a mother at times… who did not protect me. i have recently put it together that she had to know. and i do not know how to cope with that. i do not want to hate my mother. but i think i do. i know i am angry. she sent me back there. alone. that sickens me. i would die for my children rather than send them anywhere i knew it wasnt safe. no matter what the cost. // i have remembered that dream slowly which is weird. usually i remember them upon awakening. or not at all. so it does make me wonder if it was a memory too. ??????? what do you think. thankyou also for answering me and helping me to sort thru my head and sadness. it helps more than you know. sometimes i do feel very much alone and it is good and wonderful to share a word and a kindness here. thankyou. malanie
p.s. i will talk or write to my girlfriend. i know it is only fair to do so. she has been so understanding…yet she is lost as to what entirely she is understanding. does that make sense? we are okay and love is there. / i am just scared. i am afraid that all i have been thru is soooooo much. so much more than she will be able to understand… at least at first. but i do know it is something i need to do. i have a trust in her. i just am scared i will be less ‘worthy’ after she hears some of my life. its an ‘ugly’ story mine. i will talk with my therapist before i talk with her though. it scares me. //////p.s.s i did finally call my mother. there was some hidden criticizm and bitchyness disguised as ‘nice’ in her part of the conversation. it was short. i havent really delt with it yet. it is what it is. i do not want to be angry with her. or hate her. but i also dont want to deal with her. oh well. tired. sleep for me. nite all. malanie
i tried talking with her. it failed miserably. i dont know how to do it. she thinks or says it is done and not a bigdeal. but wasnt it a bigdeal ???i wasnt ‘just tired’/ i want her to understand and get the reasons why. but she commented that it always has to be drama. am i drama? i dont want to be a lot of work to her. but i do want to explain and not feel like i leave her 5 steps behind me. i can explain it better to other people. why is that ????? i am so tired. i feel like i messed up a lot this last week. i tried to cry. am supposed to. my therapist says it isnt good to stop myself that i bottle the pain up. i do i know. i hate to cry. it scares me. and i am afraid i wont stop in a way. and my slide projector came and i cant even begin to think of watching them they terrify me. i want someone who could watch them with me. but i dont really have anyone. and im scared. so who knows when il watch them. i thght i saw and felt my father in front of me his hands on my shoulders and i was staring into his eyes. i felt i was naked. i was at work and around others. its like time stopped and i simply stopped. i am sure i looked white. noone noticed. i felt like he was there. i knew logically at thye same time that he wasnt but i felt totally sucked into the moment kina like an abyss/ is that a flashback ???? was my dream of the water in my kitchen him raping me and being back in the chidhood kitchen a dream or a flashback ?? help ? if you read this , faith….do you know? and i tried contacting the sister i asked/emailed questions to. i have no response. it makes me feel still as then.. set aside and unimportant. i suck today. i wanted to cut deep and hurt in a real flesh way and i have thought of this so often. it is almost obsessing. i picture it and the feeling. i want that pain and not the pain i have inside me. does that make sense. i wait for therapy. i wanted to buy a hairbrush simply to style my hair. i picked it out and carried it through the drugstore. i kept getting more uneasy and scared by it tho. almost as if it terrified me. i could not. simply could not buy it. i didnt. i was afraid. ok. nite. malanie. i hope everyone is safe and ok.
There really is no right or wrong way to tell someone what happened. No matter how you tell them, it doesn’t guarantee a good outcome!!! Maybe you would have better luck writing it down or e-mailing it to her. You could also tell her about this site, and let her read about not only about you, but other people who are desperately hurting too. Maybe then, she would realize that it isn’t something that ‘is no big deal,’ or that ‘just goes away.’
theresa and anyone else who might read this….my therapist suggested that as my girlfriend has been so supportive of all in our relationship in so many circumstances…. she has…that maybe i am underestimating her. she suggested that i should print out all my emails i have sent to my therapist (about 40) and put them in a notebook and give them to her with a letter telling her she can read them in her own time if she wants. it frightens me immeasurably. i just dont know. it would mean she would know about my self abuse including my masturbation self abuse. the abuse my father did start with me in a sadistic way..but i continued it. my promescuity as a teenager and young adult. and that i was raped at 4 1/2 through 17. and at 17…. i was a teenager. what if she can understand the child size abuse but not when i was a teenager. part of me even feels i should have and could have said NO!. i dont know. to give her a copy of those emails would allow her to read all. my pain. sadness. hurt. anger. fear. my own self blame. humiliation. some of it sickens me. what if it sickens her. i am scared. it is a huge leap of faith to share all with her. she has been there for me and for my children time and again. i do trust and believe in her. but this…this…is sooooooooo awful. horrific. some of it. and embarrassing . and sad. and messed up. i cant put a voice to some of it even to my therapist let alone my girlfriend. its too much. too hard. too overwhelming. i am scared. i do feel like i ask her to be ‘understanding’ of something she doesnt comprehend the gravity of what im really asking of her. its like saying to her “there is wind outside today ” when it should be “there is a tornado outside today”. malanie
i gave my gf 3 letters written over 2 months just a week ago. she has not read them but i did take that leap of faith in she and i. it , i decided was too important not to let her try to accept and know and understand and believe. i have a tordado of abuse and had let her think it was a breeze in the yard. big difference. i asked her to tell me when she read them. she said she would. i told her about a 10th of it all. but its a start. and what some things are that trigger me and why i do or say certain things. so. time will tell. thanks everyone for your support.
A faw minutes after I posted on here I had a massive flashback, much longer than the one I had at school. I saw a dog-like animal being skinned alive, and then it was looking at me, it moved it’s head to see me and it was covered in blood, just like when I really saw it a while ago… Help me!!!! I think I have PTSD. I have more symptoms.
Hi, Finally.
A flashback cannot hurt you even though it might feel that way. It is a step toward healing. It feels horrendous and frightening, but I would remind myself that if I could survive the experience, I could definitely survive the memory/flashback.
Judith Herman’s book “Trauma and Recovery” really helped me with this. Many people maintain a duel reality when they have a flashback. For me, that meant that even though I was reliving a horrific experience, another part of myself was fully aware of being safe in my room. I learned how to capitalized on this by using the “present” me to comfort the “past” me through the experience. I also learned how to stop a flashback midstream when it was becoming too intense. This only worked for me if I was authentic about this being a delay and not a suppression.
I strongly recommend that you find a qualified therapist with experience working with people who were severely abused as children. I tried to go through the flashbacks alone, and it was too much for me. I needed the guidance of a therapist to help me know that I was not “crazy” and that this was “normal” for someone who had endured the abuses that I had.
~ Faith