Traveling to new places has been a wonderful way for me to let go of control and enjoy the moment. I loved visiting Los Angeles last year. I felt so free and safe … so far away from home and not responsible for doing anything but having fun at Disneyland.
This year did not go that way. I did not know that Legos trigger me until I walked into Legoland and had a complete meltdown. In retrospect, the signs were there. I had been very excited about our trip. Then, when we added that theme park to our agenda (my friend’s younger son is very into Legos), I kept procrastinating scheduling the trip and really was not looking forward to it any longer. Hindsight is 20/20 – I just thought this was spillover for all of the other stuff I was dealing with at the beginning of the summer.
I had no idea that I was triggered, but I felt the intense need for a Xanax as soon as we entered the gate. I thought it was the crowds at first. I was slammed with intense hatred – I hated every single thing about the place and kept visualizing blowing up all of the Lego statues.
Outwardly, I kept b@#$%ing about how juvenile the place was. (Our boys are nine and ten – it looked more appealing to the kindergarten crowd in my fully biased opinion.) Inwardly, my skin was crawling, and I wanted to use my fingernails to peel it off my body. I got angrier when I learned that it is a “dry” theme park (most theme parks do serve alcohol) because I wanted to stay inebriated the entire day. I kept counting down the hours until we could leave. I was lightheaded and immersed in anger and shame.
I was so incredibly triggered afterward – so much so that my friend kept bringing me rum punches. (I haven’t had that much to drink in years.) She had no idea why I was being so intense about the place. I told her that I simply could not go back. I would do anything she wanted – lie, cheat, steal – but I would not go back. (We had two-day passes.) I wound up spending the next day seeing the new “Harry Potter” movie while my friend took the kids back. For the next few days, I struggled with very strong suicidal and self-injury urges.
That experience really shook me, and I have been prone to triggering and panic attacks ever since, which is why I am putting so much focus on staying in the moment, reminding myself that I am safe at this very moment, etc. Being slammed by that intense of a trigger without having any idea it was coming has really rocked me. More tomorrow…
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
I’m sorry to hear that. I do the procrastination thing too. I wonder whether it’s because I know subconsciously that if I admit that I hate the idea as much as I do, I’ll have to be dragged kicking and screaming to actually do it. Staying in denial allows me to make a start on it, but a meltdown usually follows pretty quickly. It’s like either way I can’t win. So I put it off, or put off preparations so I actually cannot do whatever it is.
Do you often find yourself acting b*tchy to cover up the fact that you’re triggered? I’ve found myself being snide and sneering about things because I feel that it’s either that or start screaming. Also triggering brings back a lot of hatred and anger so I suppose that points me to the bad in things too. I think the only thing ever to do is get out of the situation as soon as possible. *sigh*
Hi, Jan.
Yes, when I feel vulnerable (triggered or sick), I get bitchy.
– Faith
Wow, I’m very sorry you had such an awful experience in Legoland.
What was it about Legoland that triggered you?
Was it the crowds or something?
I had the same in Disneyland Paris, before. I was so drowned in my depression at the moment that the simple sight of child laughter pissed me off.
I hope you’re going to be able to figure out.
I wish you all the strength on your journey.
Looking forward to your next post.
Sincerely,
– Prozacblogger
Hi, Prozacblogger.
It was the Legos themselves. Seaworld was just as crowded but did not trigger me. I have reactions to other childhood toys, such as the game Connect Four. I just didn’t know that Legos was one of them. My son has never been “into” Legos, so it hasn’t been an issue before now.
– Faith
Faith, i am so sorry for this experience, but you explain what happens to you so perfectly i thought you were talking about me. that is exactly how it works for me and because i am trying to manage free flying and foreign emotions i do not recognize the triggers as such until too late. My therapist is patient and very conversational about my ever changing urges to hurt but while we are trying to move through this stage or phase or part of healing or whtever it is, i’m having suicidal thoughts, cutting much more and in different places, and wondering if not only do i have to manage normal through another day, but will i have to be in one at all? I think to myself, why don’t you seem to know this is real? things in order at home real? letters written to friends for after, real? why don’t you need to check on me or suggest i sit in your shirt pocket for a few days? but at the end it is see you next week. text me call me if you need me. ..i guess this is my normal these days but past and present are like passing fast trains. i am here then there and parts of all. Your strength and ability to describe your journey never ceases to amaze me. Thank you so much for helping others in this way. Thank you for helpingme.
Thanks, aggiemonday.
– Faith
Whoa Faith. Sorry. I must have sucked so badly to feel as though you were sort of trapped there because of promising the kids to go… sigh.
When you have episodes like this, do you find that the reason for your trigger emerges? Do you consciously seek to find the memory to explain it further to yourself, or just accept that this is a new trigger and let the rest take care of itself?
As always, thanks for sharing.
Peace,
mia
Hi, Mia.
I used to put energy into recovering the memory after being triggered like this. I am trying a new tactic this time. I know based on my reaction that Legos were involved in severe trauma. I have a ton of recovered memories of how sick and twisted my abuse was. I am choosing not to “go there” and relive this one and, instead, just accept that this is another part of my past. I feel no need to relive it.
If I feel pulled that way later, I’ll “go there,” but my T says that I don’t have to relive every single memory to heal.
– Faith
I now leave things that I know I can get to later. I expect that by accepting that there is work to do that some work happens.
I have a document that I call Rave which is a list of events to be worked on. Ravel and unravel mean the same thing which I think is neat. We are very careful not to rush putting things on Ravel. We have had the document a year and it is not crazy long. Most of the things we have done some work on. We are very very careful that we are not putting one of us off so they do not have their time to heal. That is kinda the criteria for when something goes on Ravel.
I feel that we have gotten better at processing trauma. We are certainly stronger. Rather than take action we are now able to wait a while. Much of it is about not rejecting out of hand. The other day one wanted to go to everywhere we lived and take a photo. Before the idea would have been dismissed or we would have started thinking how to make it happen. 9 years ago we did travel to the houses we lived excepting the ones out of the country and Fl. There were about 22. We think now that writing them all down with a short description and ages may be what is needed and are open to it becoming not necessary.
When something keeps coming back than we know there is work to do. It was hard to imagine for years but we now understand more what to do., Looking back at the horrible times as an adult we now know that was part of the necessary work, For a very long time a memory would come up we could not get to it and that made it harder to get at next time. The experience actually made it worse. That is hard to take.
We are doing a lot of work now that we call clean up or going back because it got messed up somehow. Although new things come up there has not been any new abusers come up or new people that we knew that were hurt in a few months. The one exception it the ones that paid to abuse us hourly. There are many of them and new people keep coming up.
It seems that now it is more of an ordering than abrigating.
All that being said our memories were totally tied into the time of year they happened. There may be some this winter that we are not yet aware.
I neither believe nor *want* to find all of my/our memories- but to me, if I had a reaction that strong- it would signifiy something really signifigant and *particularly* traumatic happened around that thing. And that there was something very deeply unhealed there. And for me/us, being multiple, it would also mean that in some way, some part of me was having to hold that pain for the rest of us. And one of the promises I have made is to not leave anyone inside alone with the pain they have had to carry for *all* of us. So I would try to connect to- *something* around my reaction, because to me that level of triggering shows there is a wounded part of me that deeply needs help and is in pain.
[…] This blog entry continues from yesterday. […]