Before experiencing flashbacks myself, I thought they would all be the same. I actually have several different ways that I experience flashbacks/recover memories, and I suspect that may be true for others as well. I am going to share the different ways that I experience flashbacks and would also like to hear from you if there are additional ways to experience them.
Sickening Awareness
My healing process began with what I call a sickening awareness. I just “knew” that I had been sexually abused by my mother. I had no other information than the weight of knowing in my heart of hearts that it had happened. I also experienced this as the first step in working through being raped by men.
Body Memories
These are my least favorite kind of flashback. After the first sickening awareness, I could feel my body being abused. I had no other information, just that it felt like someone was hurting my body right then. I have come to recognize these flashbacks as my body releasing its own memories of being abused.
Reliving the Abuse
This is the most common form of flashback for me. While a part of me is fully aware that I am an adult lying safely in my bed, another part of myself relives the abuse. I feel and experience the event as the child I was when the abuse happened. The memory unfolds in a linear fashion just as it did when I was a child.
Flashes
I suspect this form of flashback is what put the “flash” in the term “flashback.” I will see a split-second snippet of what happened. For me, this is most common with recovering ritual abuse memories. I don’t know if the different ties into the heightened terror and/or use of drugs during the abuse or not. I’ll see a “flash” of one part of what happened and then a “flash” of another. Because most of my memories were recovered through reliving the abuse, it took me a while to recognize that these were also flashbacks, just recovered differently.
Montage
I have never heard anyone else talk about this form of flashback, but I had this happen when I was dealing with being forced to abuse my sibling. I had been dealing with the sickening awareness that I had been forced to abuse my younger sister, and I had also recovered a piece of one memory involving sexual abuse. I was so sick to my stomach that I wanted to die, and the shame was unbearable. My mind released a montage of flashes of my sister being forced to sexually abuse me. I felt such relief because I knew that she was not responsible, which gave me the courage to talk with her about this form of abuse, apologize, and accept her response that she did not hold me responsible for what our abusers forced me to do to her.
I suspect there are other types of flashbacks as well. I’d love to hear about the different ways that others recover memories.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
Faith-
I’ve had many of these different flashbacks. They are horrible sometimes to me but I know in my head they will subside. I just wish we didn’t have to go through them. I have found that I do learn something sometimes good and bad when I go through a flashback. For me are the body, reliving, and sickening ones are tied for not so good. I’m always wondering now when we will memories end because something new usually comes up together. Thanks for the information. Glad to hear your feeling better.
Thumper
Faith, I am glad you are up to writing again. Your entries are so helpful. I understand clearly the feeling of wanting to die from unbearable rememberings. I experience flashbacks in night terrors, waking into the minutes and i carry the body memories that seem to be trying to release some in the therapy sessions i am in right now. I hold tension in those places, cramps and nausea that comes out when i release feelings. I’ve hit a wall and can’t seem to face some of those feelings and wheni talk about them the flashbacks come in reliving but i have a thread of present day at the same time. i hear my therapist’s voice and it feels safe so sometimes i can release what i feel either in words or actions i would have liked to take or sometimes the feelings just don’t have words, and the description is primitive. Flashbacks make me feel i am living in two times because both are so real
I have montages too, in fact I have montage flashbacks of pleasant and neutral memories that I cannot voluntarily access, too, probably due to damage to my brain’s memory centres. It’s just how I recall things. I cannot choose to remember anything between the ages of 3 and 20, but it remembers itself to me sometimes, and it’s not always bad, sometimes just bittersweet.
Wow, Jan. I have this exact same thing, but I never would have thought to explain it that way. Can’t tell you how much it helps to hear that someone else has this kind of response – although I’m very sorry that you do.
BTW – I should have been more specific:
“I have montages too, in fact I have montage flashbacks of pleasant and neutral memories that I cannot voluntarily access, too, probably due to damage to my brain’s memory centres. It’s just how I recall things. I cannot choose to remember anything between the ages of 3 and 20, but it remembers itself to me sometimes, and it’s not always bad, sometimes just bittersweet.”
I have all of the above, not just the neutral/pleasant montages. It’s quite extraordinary how freeing it is when you have something you’ve NEVER heard anyone else talk about, and discover that you’re not the only one.
Not sure if this applies to you too Jan, but one of the more ‘crazy-making’ aspects for me is that I’ll start to get the neutral/pleasant montage flashbacks at a time where I can’t identify ANY possible trigger that would have brought them up – nothing even remotely related going on in my life.
I should have mentioned that the two sleeps activating the reptilian brains may cause memories to come into consciousnesses. As that is how I work I am all good with that.
Wow right back! I hadn’t expected anyone to say that they had something similar, though I guess I’d wondered; that’s given me a real warm glow (though obviously I wouldn’t wish it on you either).
I think I know what you mean about the lack of triggers; the memories do just force themselves into my conscious mind for no apparent reason. To a certain extent I’m used to it, though technically it’s quite debilitating as they are as overwhelming as negative flashbacks, and feel more real than reality, so I don’t get much done while they’re going on. I wonder whether they follow mood. I mean the more shallow variations in mood that most people experience, rather than the peaks and troughs that I suspect many of us survivors are more used to. One thing that does trigger them is the change points in the year. I live in the UK, where we have very distinct seasons, and every time the weather turns, when I notice it in the temperature or the smell of the breeze or the warmth of the sun I’m off back into the past.
I wonder if it is brain damage; perhaps our memory systems are spluttering in exhaustion, throwing up anything and everything, relevant or not. It may be a bit strange to anthropomorphise parts of your own body, but when I think of the battering my brain has taken over the years, I think “poor thing!”.
Hey Jan,
Went to Rippon York in 2000. Fugue.
“One thing that does trigger them is the change points in the year. I live in the UK, where we have very distinct seasons, and every time the weather turns, when I notice it in the temperature or the smell of the breeze or the warmth of the sun I’m off back into the past”
I may have an understanding of this. I think it is the reptilian brains that are activated. Not so much by the temperature rather the sunlight and position in the sky.
I started knowing where the sun was when it came up and went down and through out the day. That is all I did, No need to meditate etc. This lead to be knowing sometimes I am what I call sun deprived. I live in NE. I tried a SAD light and it failed me after a while. I used a tanning booth at below tanning level and it worked. This lead to different sleep. I call it the two sleeps which is what humans used to do before electric light. I go to sleep get up and just do what ever with no plan then I get sleepy and go back to sleep.
It does not change anything rater it allows change to happen. It is not a now I am at peace or anything just change can happen. The key is to leave the cognitive brains out of it. If I do not have the two sleeps that is fine. It is not regimented at all. Turning it into a method seems to make it well become a method.
I fully believe that trauma effects the reptilian brains by having to consciously over ride them. Doing what the reptilian brains know is wrong. Current treatment of the upper brains and hoping the reptilian brains magically change does not seem to be working very well. Least my my measure of what I want.
To clarify
“I wonder whether they follow mood. I mean the more shallow variations in mood that most people experience, rather than the peaks and troughs that I suspect many of us survivors are more used to.”
I mean that for me, my emotional state works on two different levels: the post-traumatic “how am I today in relation to my trauma?”, and the ordinary “what kind of a day is it today?”. I suspect it’s a dissociative thing. I don’t mean it’s necessarily like that for everyone, because nothing in healing is one way for everyone!
I have similar experiences and do not call them flashback rather processing memories. For me a flashback is different.
A flashback is when I see in real time what happened in the past. The difference is only measured time. I am there other than physically. There is a limit in that I can not see what I did not see then. As an example I can not turn around and see what is behind me if I never did in real time. I am not seeing it in my mind it is in my vision. This extends to infancy and and I have verified it.
Before and after the flashback I may experience an overlap where I am in this time and what happened before. That is different. It is not that I am confused. I see the video of the past rather than what my eyes would see if I was not seeing the flashback.
It is not unlike when I go blind and can not see in the present other than I am seeing something.
Although not a flashback I sometimes see what others of us saw. It is not that I dissociate rather another person was out and I was not. It is a multiple thing. One of us was/is always present even in sleep.
My ability to see things in my mind is not normal. If I design a site and then walk on site and the building is 2″ off in the vertical I know. I can only see the horizontal to about 2′ and this algebraically increases as the size of the site increases. If someone borrows a book from my therapist book case I know it is gone.
My multiplicity was involuntary until I was 3 1/2 and I no longer lived in a cage or closet. Pretty much a break in the trauma or me. I was fed and had water for the first extended time in my life.
I believe that this is all about the reptilian brains and how they see and remember. The reptilian brains do not use words. It is how I can play a song on the piano by ear. (Just simple ones) I do not play the piano rather I play at it.
We used to often go blind. We thought everyone did. It gets confusing when one of us is playing at the piano and does not put the chair back and I am blind and walk into it.
It is impossible to explain as most people do not have the context and there are not words go describe it. Very much like expecting someone to know what snow is by a description when they have never seen snow. Some of us had never seen snow until this winter even though this body has been in winter often.
A flashback can be limited by senses or not. Sometimes we can feel tactically, hear, see, smell and other times it is only part of it.
There are also flashbacks of flashbacks where more than one of us is out and about. Those drive us nuts.
When in for a lack of better words a total flashback our reptilian brains know our body to be the size of that point in time. If we reach for something our hand may come up short or we may smash out fingers into the object. In a full flashback we breathe as if our lungs were the size of that time. It is not helpful to change this pattern and why breathing exercises are wrong for us as a multiple. As a practical matter we do have to take breaks or we will pass out.
Much like the trauma the actual flashback is not the issue. It is the before and after.
After flashbacks or any processing we have images that we can see or videos. It is kinda like having your whole life flash in front of you only it is in pieces. We are used to this and only have to check in once and a while.
Infancy is the hardest. We can not stay there long as we do not have enough breath. We can not walk obviously. We can swim. We see in black and white and images are reversed just as a babies is. Observed it would be seen that one of us is autistic when we are an infant. Harder still as we were always twins which I expect is a left right brain thing. Some times we can not turn over or lift our head.
We can go back in flashback mode to anyplace with drawing. We can not see in the present when we are doing this. We are physically blind to the present.
Our therapist can deal with all this although she does not understand as she is not multiple. Some times we ask her to say something to find out if we can hear or we might ask if she is still in the room. She can accept that we say some weird things. Like “Hey you are short” and another time we might tell her you are big today.
This is all different than a switch. Say one of us that has never been to the house we live in. If they just look around that is not a flashback. It they were to see another place where they did happen to be than that would be a flashback.
As I process the memories I am finding that this is really an ability. That it is associated with trauma is the issue. It is possible that everyone experiences this on some level and the difference is I am different people and that is what makes it different.
So I hope that clears that up. Smile.
Can’t figure out how to reply other than myself.
I find this interesting. i wrote her and had to go to the bank as I wanted to order something for someone I love otherwise I would have put it off. I went to the bank and kinda went back to the time I had my first account I was 12. I could feel the excitement. I also felt that my father who was there was looking for a way to make my money his.
So I am at the teller window and I know her. I take my hand to give her the deposit slip and wham my hand goes into the glass. You see I was taller than I knew.
I was taller and split. Part of me was excited and part of me knew my father would take my money. He did not often take the money out of my pocket it was more subversive. I had to buy all my clothes and such and the other children did not. He kept track of what I had. When I had enough he had me put it in stocks and he was the custodian.
This all would not have happened had I not written this morning. Expressiveness therapy works.
Michael
Graphic in content **trigger warning**
Dreams. I dont know if it is considered a form of flashback. . But i surely *know* with no doubt whatsoever that i have had dreams and dreams and dreams (or maybe nightmares i guess) about specific items such as toilets, putrid water, and bowel movements that i could not figure out why so many . .Why over and over. .Until i got the one jigsaw piece i “needed” to figure it out. That is just an example. There have been many repeatative themes to my dreams. . Water. Swimming. Cars. Locks. Padlocks. Churches. Doors. A certain motel. Another building i cannot figure out yet.
But. The repeatative toilet dreams were horrific in how much they disturbed me. I *knew* it was something. I would wake up in a sweat and have flashes of specific things i coukd not ‘quite’ place. . And fingers. A womans fingers. I would see it in my mind as if it was in front of me upon waking up.
I do not *know* if that is a “flashback”.
But i certainly do KNOW now without doubt that the dreams held the answer i wanted almost all of my grown life regarding why i would scream and fight my mother in the upstairs bathroom. I could never figure it out. The abuse i remembered at my fathers hands and his friends and my cousin. I did not remember my mother as any thing but neglectful and unfeeling. Not loving. Not nurturing.
Now i know she cleaned my insides to rid me of bowel knowing my father woukd be inside tgere as well as my vagina. She cleaned there also. I remember her fingers pulling it the stool from inside me.
I could never figure out why as an adult i was so so nauseated by the thought of a laxative. But i would continually have constipation as an adult. My body “knew”.
I do not know if my body will somehow regulate itself with this regard so it is not so awful as an adult. But i do know that my mind understands now.
I have no idea how i will find any resolution to this memory.
But i do think it is a form of a flashback . . Maybe? ?? As i would repeat the general themes and awaken with a sickening knowledge and see the womans(my mothers) fingers and sometimes feel the putrid water against my skin. It was very horrific actually.
Since i figured it out. Got the puzzle piece i searched for from a 6 yr old self within who decided to “write” about it to my tgerapist and i did not “know” it was written until the next day and sent. But since i figured this out. . I have not had another dream on the subject matter. I hope i never will again. . Trust me. . I had too many.
I am sorry this was so graphic. Thanks for listening.
Maline,
I am so sorry.
Many times I was given an enema and kaopectate as preparation for sexual abuse. I was trained not to have a gag reflex by having objects inserted in my throat. You learn not to gag or you suffocate. This was once done in my fourth grade class room with me chained to the desk in a town voted most desirable to live. No videos back then so teachers got away with a lot.
If I did lose my bowls or throw up I had to ingest it Standard in the cults I had to deal with. I expect that those adults that were raised as children in the cults had to do the same thing.
It does not have an effect on me anymore. I can throw up do not throw up uncontrollably. The reason is that when I did want to throw up I just did.
I used to get constipated. I was in my kayak and very very angry. I had a bowel movement in my pants. That issue is solved. Expressive therapy works.
Michael,
I wasn’t abused in a cult, but my mother did most of the above except possibly for the enema/kaopectate, although I’ve recently had nightmares of being surrounded by dozens and dozens of long thin snakes with one crawling up my leg into my rectum – and me having to push things out in explosive diarrhea to get rid of them. I have no concrete memories but this suggests to me that she may have done this too. In my nightmare I couldn’t get the snake out of my rectum even with the explosive diarrhea so I, as I usually do, forced myself to wake up.
I don’t remember being suffocated as a child, but she would push pills down my throat (for some reason I was frequently ill and kept home from school) until I vomited, and then pick them out of the vomit and repeat until I finally lost my gag reflex. I know this must have happened more than once, because I do have a memory (about grade three – one of the very few I have) of being at the doctor who prescribed pills and me actually speaking up in front of my mother (*highly* unusual for me) and asking if there was any other option. When he said that the only other option was needles I remember literally begging and pleading him to give me the needles. He looked bewildered and didn’t know what to do. Of course, my mother (she was a nurse) took over control of the situation and we went home with the pills.
My earliest memory was similar – about 2 years old at in a lake, with her letting me go under water repeatedly and each time laughing and ridiculing and threatening me for coughing, choking and spitting up water – until I learned to stop reacting.
I too have struggled with constipation my entire adult life.
For years and years I couldn’t vomit when I was sick, nor could I swallow pills or anything large. Nor could I put my head underwater. But I’ve managed to eventually get past all three of these triggers – I suspect because I explicity remember what was behind them. Unfortunately, now my gag reflex is hightened – perhaps making up for lost time?
Would be interested to hear more re: how expressive therapy helped you with this.
Birdfeeder,
The going to the bathroom in my pants while angry was expressive therapy. As was dealing with it afterwards. As is the writing about it and not being embarrassed. And giggling just a tad.
Note: I am a tad wound up as the clocks changed. I will know where the sun is for a few days even if it rains and it will go away.
Michael
Malanie,
Like Michael, I’m very sorry that you’ve had to live through this. I can’t know what you’ve been through or what it feels like, but what you’ve shared is helping me put some of my own puzzle pieces together.
Thank you for sharing it.
I’m not sure if I understand the difference between a ‘flashback’, a ‘body memory’, or an ‘altered state’. Or even a psychotic episode.
Like Melanie, most of my visual content (and the emotional fallout which I presume is also emotional content) comes from my extensive nightmares, which are never about people, locations or objects I remember. Like Melanie I have several recurring themes in my nightmares.
I also get ‘fear-like reactions’ and kind of altered states to all kinds of seemingly innocuous situations – if I try to push it I realize that there is extreme fear there, but I generally only experience it as extreme fatigue, extreme confusion (an overwhelming feeling that I don’t (or can’t) know what to do), & often memory loss if I attempt to push through. For instance in the shower I’m frequently not able to remember if I’ve soaped myself or creme-rinsed my hair – accompanied with very deep shame & embarrassment, extreme fatigue where I become almost too tired to raise my arms to my head or to stand up, and a deep sense of some other emotion I can’t identify – partly I would imagine grief, anger, fear, revulsion – I don’t have words to describe it. I have fibromyalgia, so I usually get body pain too, but only after I’ve started to become aware of my surroundings again. I get this reaction to all kinds of seemingly innocuous daily activities, which severely limit my life, make me feel crazy, and none of my therapists have been willing to go anywhere near this with me.
I have no description for this – have no idea what to call it. Even after years and years of therapy no-one would ever name it (or even address it); it’s only been within that last two years that I’ve read that these could be considered a type of flashback – but I just don’t know. There’s no content I can get my head around to help me recover actual explicit/montage memories.
Birdfeeder,
i have something similar and for me it is caused by not being in a place where I can process. My fibro went away over time as I processed the memories. CFS, fibro, TMJ were caused by memories almost coming into consciousnesses.
The memories did not come into my consciousnesses as I had not discovered a way to have them. It was not a matter of learning or being taught it was a matter of discovery.
Michael
“I’m not sure if I understand the difference between a ‘flashback’, a ‘body memory’, or an ‘altered state’. Or even a psychotic episode.”
There may not be differences for some people. I think various reactions may get tangled up or fused together. Whatever understanding works for you is the important one, though that’s easy enough to say when no-one seems prepared to help you understand. I’m sorry to hear that your therapists let you down in that respect.
Following this blog for many months. This has been helpful.
My therapist talks about “feeling” memories where you feel emotionally how you felt when the abuse occurred.
Hi again.
Referring back to my earlier answer here.
I too am sad and sorry for those who have experienced this all. I am really angry lately at the abuse not just for me but all.
As for the enemas and my mother removing the stool from inside me. . I do not know if this was done to prepare me for my father or to protect from having to consume any remaining stool off his penis. I do recall him laughing and making me do that. In any event it is simply unreal to me that i remember this. Therefore she had to *know*.
I do not know how to resolve this. My mother lives 4 miles from me w my sister. I cannot in good conscioys to my sister leave all of my mothers necessary dr visits etc to her. I love my sister. This is a new revalation to me. About 2 weeks old.
Oddly for about a yr now tho i had been overly anxious in my mothers presence feeling “dirty” “unclean”. . The word “unclean” would come to my head told to me. I did not understand it. I would feel a need to flee. Get away.
I remember chewing gum laxatives. She would give them to me if not dauly . . Tgen alot. When i would stay at her mothers home (my grandmother) i remember my grandmother j giving them to me. *i alwYs always remembered the laxative chewing gum. I do not *like* chewing gum of any sort.
Surprisingly my dear grsndma who was my *fathers* mother would refuse to give them to me when i stayed at her house making me tea instead. She threw tgem away and i was told not to tell my father or mother. I am not angry at any thing at my fathers mother. Tho i do know through memories now that she *knew* something and questioed me. . She loved me fiercely and protected me as well as she knew how. She herself was terrified i remember and beaten down and critisized constantly by her husband (my fathers father) and especially her son ( my father).
I do not think i would have turned out with any ability to bond or feel joy without her nurturing. My mother certainly was not nurturing.
Oddly i remember wanting my fathers approval and and love. I actually did recieve more basic affection from him along with his insanity. My mother was just bland. I do not understand that.
To this day if anything about life then is brought up it always turns back to her wuth “but i had it bad to. We were all in that together”. She does not deny tge abuse at my fathers hands but nor would she talk about it years ago when i then tried except to say ” your father had sick ideas”.
I always in my adult life remembered being in that upstairs bathroom with her lying sideways on the floor screaming crying fighting. She would sit on my legs. It was totallt contrasting to my expected behavior with my father and his friends. Then i was not to cry or fight. I was expected to enjoy it when told to. And to want pain. He loved causing pain. I totally got pain and sex and orgasms messed up in my head.
I just ‘realized’ in writing that that i have had horrible leg pain for two years. Some of it decreased with a dr dx of a vit d deficiency but the calf pain never totally left until about a month ago. It has not botgered me since. Odd as i remember ger sitting on my legs. I winder if it will cone back. Our bodies certainly “remember” whether its a flashback or not.
As for the ongoing constipation ( which is not painful. .I could wIt 8 and 10 days with it tgen being excrutiatingly painful) but as for this as an adult. I have made an interesting observation. The only only time it is “normal” is every time i go to my gf house. I think i feel safer there. She makes me feel safe.
I wrote all this because maybe it will help someone else. Im glad it helped someone already. Birdfeeder. .You are welcome. It is hard to speak of. But easier as i do.
Is this a *form* of a flashback? I know the body memory is. Are the repeatative themes to the dreams? I too dream if green snakes and a swamp of water. Crawling inside and over me. While i am held in place in the water by a woman who shoves her hand into me as i watch my Hell tgeme situation with the man in my mind who us the devil raping a woman repeatedly. I wake to that vision before my eyes. Feeling the water and the green snakes and the feeling of being held.
I have wrutten before about that man i thought was the devil. I have awoken in my current room *seeing* him on top of me in a white robe (choir type) raping me. I see my current room. But i see him. I feel him inside me. I feel his breath. I see his face. Pockmarked skin. Red brown beard and hair. Blue eyes. I do not know who he is. He is not a family member. That i know. . *know* is certainly a flashback.
Thanks for listening. I kind of got off on a tangent. Whether related or not. I spoke.
** FAITH. I think if you can do so posting my two entries here about enemas and bowels would serve well tge category of enemas abd objects as abuse. I wrote tgere before. I would re-write this but its enough to write it one time. if you feel that the 2 posts i write here are suited for that subject please feel free to paste tgem to that spot as well. I do not mind. Thankyou.
Sorry all for mispellings. I type too fast on a touchscreen.
Thank you all so much for sharing. I struggle a lot w the isolation of dealing w things my friends and husband cannot understand. I often doubt myself and belittle my issues just as my abusers did. Hearing from other survivors helps me not feel so alone. It helps validate my current struggles and put words to experiences that are hard to explain. I have experienced every type of flashback described here but have not always been as aware of what is going on w me as you all seem to be. I am just beginning to know myself. Right now I cannot go to sleep without having horrific nightmares about people being shot to death. In each dream I see some shooting but the worst part of each version of the nightmare is me fearing someone is next to be killed then hearing the shot then holding my breath in hopes they weren’t hit then hearing the distinctive sound of their body hitting the ground. That sick feeling is followed by the distinctive feeling of my nerve tips burning in anticipation of being shot by the gun now pointing at me. Just typing this description of the recurring dream is making me feel sick and panicky. Obviously something is going on but I can’t seem to get past nightmare stage to memory processing and then peace. Any suggestions? My memories have never come up on me in this manner before. Thank you all for commenting and esp to you Faith for this blog.
Hi ajc,
I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this – that sounds awful. I had something similar – with horribly escalating nightmares to the point I thought I was going to literally go insane. No idea if what I did will work for you or help at all, but it seemed to really help me, and you never know…
In desperation, after yet another one, I looked up at the ceiling and spoke to it (my nightmare – I know, sounds daft but I was r-e-a-l-l-y desparate). I said: “All right – I give up. I’m done running away from you. What is it you’re trying SO HARD to tell me?”
I was hoping to influence my nightmares to give me more information (I’m a semi-lucid dreamer), but that didn’t work. But somehow my nightmare cycle shifted and immediately stopped. I didn’t get any new information from them. But at the same time – although it took a day or two to come to the surface – I started to get *all kinds* of aha’s.
I can’t say that I’ve never had equally horrible nightmares after that – far from it. But now I know they contain valuable information and they no longer blindly terrify me the way they once did.
I wish you well dealing with yours. This stuff isn’t easy.
birdfeeder
Thank you for your words. Thank you for the reminder that running in fear never works. I have to keep reminding myself that history has no power over me so I don’t have to fear seeing, knowing, remembering… No, this isn’t easy but not being alone sure helps. Thanks again.
I am beginning to see a pattern of symptoms that occur leading up to a recovered memory. In addition to obvious signs like flashbacks and nightmares, I am noticing that I have short term memory difficulties, trouble feeling fully present all the time, and a lot of deja vu. And as crazy as it sounds, my brain seems to “buzz” and it is like I can feel my brain. Like I can feel my toes move, my lungs inhale… normally I don’t feel my brain working. But around times of memory recovery it seems I can feel something going on there. Strange.
I guess this would sort of be a body flashback, but I am very sensory oriented. I might taste, smell or hear my flashbacks. Sometimes, it is all of these and other times just one. I also have had the ones that you mention. I call the montage flashback a slide show.
There is a concept where if you process the first trauma the rest will follow. I think there is some truth in that and that is where the having to do the work over and over again. In that with some people the dominoes are not lined up and so they fall in pieces and get all mixed up with some still standing or half fallen over.
After I process a trauma I kinda see a lot of the others in bits and pieces.
We gots the movies and the ‘snapshots’ – video clips and still frames. And then there is the other thing. I call them “the worlds”.
We don’t have (or at least list or talk about) our ‘recovered’ memories – there are just a few, and we don’t trust them; they *might* be something ‘someone’ is making up – in a sense.
Instead what we’ve come to realize is that many of our images, dreams – things you might count as ‘recovered memory’ are symbolisms of sorts. For instance, our lifelong “dreams” of continuously walking with a boy, “going home” or trying to – or trying to find one – reflects our desire as an army youth to settle down, ‘find a place’ – have a “real home” like other like girls and boys – in a way. We have a LOT of ‘searching dreams’ (and used to have many war dreams – from early early childhood, earliest one) – and never had one that wasn’t a nightmare until we hit about 48. . . .
So we’ve learned that ‘some’ of what we at first thought we true images from our past (the wandering, the military – the endless fields of grass) – *might* be from this symbology as a child. Or not. It might be some weird training we were on. Because we were on some, and it was ‘weird.’
So am curious, if I have started experiencing sickening awareness and body memories, does that mean I am going to get hit with the full visual memory and can I stop it from happening. Feel like I have already done years of work moving forward have a great positive life now so can’t understand why this would start happening now, don’t want to remember anything new. Am done with the past.
I know posting is old but this PTSD is newly discovered in me. I have bits and pieces too. There’s something stuffed inside I cannot place. I hear similar noises that remind me and I freeze. I see images of the abuser when I am tired. I dream of my fears even though I do not know what they are. I am a survivor of severe child abuse as well.