I working through a series on feeling responsible for the child abuse you endured. The series begins here .
Now, let’s discuss the second truth — Saying no is not an option for a child.
If you are not a parent of a young child, you might not fully appreciate just how helpless a little kid is. My nine-year-old son does not have the option of telling me no. When I say that it is time to go to bed or that he must sit at the table at a restaurant, the matter is not open for debate. He is not my peer who can tell me, “No. I would rather stay up until 11:00 p.m.,” or, “No, I would rather run in circles around the table.” I am the parent (the authority figure), and I have all of the power. If he does not obey me, I have the power to take away his toys, a play date, etc.
I also have the power to spank him, beat him, or pretty much do whatever I want with him (not that I do, but I could) because I weigh three times what he does. He cannot overpower me. He is a faster runner than I am, but I can still corner him. Even if he tries to flee in public, numerous adults who outweigh him by three or four times will catch him and return him to me. I provide the food, the clothing, and the shelter. At age nine, he cannot simply move out, get a job, and support himself. He is 100% dependent upon me. The cost of dependence is a lack of freedom. I have the power, so he has to do what I say.
So, let’s say I decide to take advantage of his vulnerability (as my abusers did). Honestly, what can this little boy possibly do about it? Unless I am leaving marks on his body, who is going to believe him? For that matter, who is he going to tell?
Let’s say he believes that he has the option of saying no. How is he going to enforce the “no”? I weight three times what he does. I can pick him up and force him to do anything I want. What power does a little boy have? He has none whatsoever.
In fact, my son does try to tell me no, and he is a strong-willed child. Some children are passive, but my son is not. He is, frankly, bullheaded (like his mother!), and he has been known to dig his heels in over some of the most ridiculous issues. None of the issues are serious like protecting himself from an abuser. These are issues like not wanting to pee in a toilet (when he was three – he knew how to use a toilet but simply did not want to). He can be very stubborn and fight me over issues that he is simply not going to win. I ultimately win these battles of wills because I am the adult, and I have all of the power. If my confident son, who has never been abused, cannot win a battle of wills with me, why do we child abuse survivors believe that we, as insecure, shame-filled abused children, would have had the power to win a battle over keeping our bodies safe?
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Incredibly insightful. Thank you.
Faith,
What you say is very true.
I learnt that saying “no” lead to worse consequences for me. I was 5 at the time, 35 years ago.
I still suffer today and still cannot let my inner voice have it’s say.
My Abusers had a power over me that was intense and final and any hint of dissent from me lead to punishment, some of which still haunt and affect my ability to function as an adult.
I once worked out the size thing. It is like me right now going up against someone who is 18′ tall and weighs 600 lbs. And that is only when there was one of them.
And the rest of the world be the 18′ tall or not are on their side. It does not seem they are on there side it was not my perception that is the way it was.
The concept that it is my fault as a way to protect is true. I am not doing well with accepting that. In a real way it was how I had a future. If it was my fault than I could do better and it would not make a difference.
Your timing of this post is ironic. I’m just now beginning in therapy to start to look at my abuse not being my fault…the adults were fully responsible. Tough lesson to internalize
A couple of comments that may seem unrelated to each other- but at both related to the subject. It is just a psychological fact that when a child is abused in any way, and it is by a parent or someone who should be a trusted care giver, the child will end up deciding it must be their own fault because they “deserved” it. The reason for this is because for the child to believe that their parent/caregiver is mean, abusive, incompetent, bad or whatever is just too much to handle. I mean this is the person who they have to trust to feed them to provide for their basic needs. If they have to believe that person is bad, they have to realize how totally alone they are. It is the natural flip-flop for the child to decide that he/she is bad and deserves the mistreatment. It is one of the only ways to preserve the illusion that they have a parent who is till going to take care of them- but as a result the child grows up with an intense feeling of shame and feeling defective in some way.
The other comment is that, although my own type of abuse did not happen till I was a very naive young adult, it involved someone who represented God, and I believed spoke and did everything with the authority of God. It creates a similar dynamic. Since “God” is always good and right, then if something felt like it violated me or who I thought I was, it must have been me who was bad or defective. As a result, you just end up giving away your power to the other person to protect the need to believe that God is good and caring.
So it is a double whammy to any sense of self, any connection to your own understanding of things if your abuse happened both by a trusted parental figure, and their was any kind of religious imagery used in the process.
I loved the comment you left here, but I feel like right now I am dealing with one more componant of why children feel they are the one who is wrong or bad. It makes sense that it would be easier to believe they were bad because the parent has to be good because the parent is the child’d only hope. I think there is also the aspect of “If my parent’s think I am worthless, then they must be right.”
It was obvious to me, growing up, that parents were supposed to love their children, honor them, think they were the best, the brightest and the most beautiful. This message was everywhere – even in television and books. If my parents thought so little of me – my PARENTS who were supposed to think such amazing things about me – then it seemed to me they must be right. If even they thought I was worthless… how could I believe anything else?
This is what kept me from telling so many of the things that happened. Telling people that my father would do the things he did to me seemed like giving them proof that I was worthless and I sure didn’t want everyone to know.
Does that make sense?
This is a very insightful post, thank you. My internal battle is about being 16 and letting these things happen.
My abuser was a friend of my family, a much older man, who to me was a father substitute as my own was pretty non existant.
I was desperate to be part of a loving family (his family) and he welcomed me and then took his time to win me over before he started to abuse me, I knew it was wrong, I was 16 when it started and it did not stop until I was 19, when he took it to another level, a level where there was no return.
I did not have to go to him, I could have stayed away, but I kept going back, I thought I was in control of the situation, and now I am 30 years old and I can’t forgive myself. The older I get the more I realise just how young 16 -19 really is, but at the time I thought i was so grown up. Can I ever forgive myself for that.
Hi, Clare.
What you are describing is called “grooming,” and you likely would not have vulnerable to it if you did not have a gaping hole of need that was not being filled elsewhere — the need to feel loved.
I read an insightful interview with a man who raped multiple prepubescent boys. He would look for boys at the local mall who clearly had a gaping hole inside of them — the need to be seen and loved. He would befriend them and fill that void for them. Once they trusted him, the friendship would only continue with a “price.” The boys believed they were choosing the sexual abuse, but the perp groomed them to believe this about themselves. They never would have become victims if they felt loved at home.
– Faith
Thank you Faith, that does help.
Thanks
Clare
Hi Clare,
I have been battling with similar things lately. I can really relate to your situation of being desperate for someone to love me, to pay me attention, to say I was worth something. This caused me to keep going back to my abuser even though he didn’t threaten me or force me. I’ve been working on this stuff in therapy for the last few weeks and blogging about it. I wrote about the shame here and my therapy process story begins here if you are interested.
It really has nothing to do with age. It’s about power. Take care,
Dawn
Thank you Dawn, I took a look a those links and it helped very much. I left you a comment on the post about shame as I related so much.
Clare
This is a wonderful and much needed post. Thank you. Glad I found your blog.
On my blog, I recently started putting a link to another post at the bottom of each entry. I hope you don’t mind, I am going to link to this post, today.
Hi, Shen.
I always appreciate a link over to my blog. :0)
If you will email me your blog URL, I can add your blog to my blogroll. My email address is under “About Faith Allen” at the upper right of the blog. Alternatively, you can just post it in the comments. :0)
– Faith
http://reunitedselves.blogspot.com
thank you.
I will be back. Not only is the post important, but your replies to the comments are really on target as well. When you speak of the “gaping hole” it is exactly what I am talking about in my “Hole in the Soul” story (which you can find at my blog). It is as if we have a sign on us that says, “we were not cared for as we should have been” and that tells a preditor that it’s easy pickin’s.
Sad, but true.
Faith,
I think you have hit on perhaps the MOST damaging aspect of SA. The mind fuck. The fact that the adult can shift his/her own agenda into the mind of the child through trickery and deceit. The child being so egocentric (as someone already mentioned), takes this in and incorporates it as part of their character. A dark stained part, when in reality, it is merely a reflection of the abuser’s own shame.
I hope every SAS wakes up to their innocence and lets it all the way into their consciousness. Good work Faith. Great series!
Blessings,
mia
I’ve been searching through my archives because I remembered that I once wrote a post about my realization that I was a child and things that happened to me were not my fault.
Here is the link if you’re interested. It is one of the earier posts on my blog, so it took a while to find it.
http://reunitedselves.blogspot.com/2009/06/i-was-child.html
I keep coming back to this again and again. It was what I needed to know back then and what I needed to hear today.
To be honest, posts like this invalidate me. My sexual abuse came from a boy who was, while bigger and stronger, only a year older. A lot of people whom I come out to don’t even consider it abuse. A female therapist on Twitter, who also worked on VH1’s Sex Rehab, doesn’t consider it that. In fact, when he wasn’t abusing me we were great playmates and friends. Yet, he did abuse me, from age four to twelve (or around there, DID makes memory hard: I met him at four).
He wanted me to do things.
I said no; told him I didn’t want to.
He said I was being chicken, a bad friend, scaredy cat.
He would get angry and yell.
So I caved.
Told me we’d both be in big trouble if I told.
One day, in NYC for my birthday, I was in a big store, and said I needed to get something for him I was asked why, that this was my Birthday. The answer? He’d get angry?
He tried to suffocate me once.
I didn’t see him for a year.
When it restarted, there was physical force.
I fought; he won.
I opened the door a lot, because we had good conversations, too.
He would just abuse me a lot, too.
Now? We’re dating, and he has changed. No more violence, and he respects no when I ask not to go any further!
….and I feel like a fraud. I have C-PTSD, DID, and a whole slew of others because of this. I have attempted suicide. But I’m not angry at him. He was young, and abused himself. He was forced into therapy, and now he is the opposite of what he was. I feel we have the same abuser: his abuser.
Am I just a big whiner making things? Am I fraud?
Hi, Eri.
I would like to address two separate elements of your comment.
First, a child can abuse another child. My son and his best friend are only two months apart in age, but his friend weighs about twice what my son does. My son is also emotionally immature while his friend is mature. If this child had been abused, he could easily abuse my son, even though they are the same age.
I know several adoptive families who adopted older children who sexually abused the younger children. The child abuse experienced by the younger children was still child abuse, even though the perpetrator was a child, too (age ranges of 10-12).
As for your other point — Dating the person who abused you as a child is very likely to impede your ability to heal. While this person might truly be healed and regret the past, until you have been through therapy and done massive healing work, being in the presence of the person who caused you harm is likely to trigger your wounded inner child. Being in a dating relationship with this person can be very traumatizing to your wounded inner child.
I strongly suggest that you find a qualified therapist with experience working with child abuse survivors and talk through these issues.
– Faith
Thank you so much for the validation. Honestly, you have no idea how much it means to me. As I said, so many have said that I wasn’t abused because of the small age difference, and I have heard similar from others who experienced child-on-child sexual abuse. They tell me it was probably just harmless, young experimentation and I’m trying to get attention. To hear somebody say it – that another child close in age can abuse another – just takes away so much doubt. It was abuse, and I got hurt. Thank you so much.
The strange thing about us dating is that he is one of the few relationships I’ve been in where I’m not completely triggered. Most of the time I’m on high alert, carry a pocket knife, am easily startled, flashback at most touch, and tense at a hug. I become co-conscious a lot with another alter, either Katie (who is eight and has a lot of abuse memories) or Elizabeth (who is thirteen – I’m fourteen – protective, and whom I am best friends with), which complicates things. When I finally found somebody to share my first kiss with, however, it was truly amazing. I had never felt that connected to anybody. The problem arose when I switched gears and became hyper sexual, wanting to jump into bed quickly and go all the way (never happened, thankfully). I think it’s because I had never really connected with someone emotionally or physically, and when I did it was mainly physical, so my mind saw that as the only way to connect. I was able to move past that around the time I reconnected with him, my abuser.
As I said, I hold no anger at him, and never did. You posted a comment from a woman who blamed herself, saying that she was more like a lamp in the room. Same with him. I feel that he acted out as he had been taught, and while that doesn’t make it right and take away responsibility, it puts more responsibility on the person who hurt him. I feel like his abuser is my abuser, too, and that is where the anger is directed at. Wrong or right, when I think of him, that is my train of thought. That it wasn’t the lamp’s fault that it was there.
I still am triggered frequently everyday, and have multiple flashbacks. In hindsight, I’m still pretty disabled about it. When I think of the boy who abused me, I am extremely triggered. I essentially become nonfunctional. But I don’t see my boyfriend as that boy. It is as if my mind has dissociated them, like they are two very different people (same process happened for awhile with my view of himself). In a lot of ways, they are. That boy was abusive, angry, manipulative, and hurtful. My boyfriend is sensitive, calm, considerate, and respectful. I know that I’m eventually going to have to integrate them in my mind, and it would most likely be smart to do that before we date. I’ve been considering putting our relationship on hold until I get that part of therapy done that – as both of us would suffer through that – and I see your point when I consider that; but other than that he is not a trigger. I will defiantly consider what you wrote, though, as I can see waiting as a smarter choice.
Thank You Again,
Erika
Excellent post, Faith! I know this stuff in my head and truly believe it for other survivors, but discount it for my own experience. The damage goes so deep, it is very discouraging to see how wounded I still am.
You expressed truth in a fresh way for me in this post…and the comments of your insightful readers are also so helpful. Great response from Michael about the size thing…wow…abused by giants…that really puts it into perspective.
So glad I found your blog…it’s exactly what I need right now.
This issue of child to child abuse is very real. Not everything that happens between children is the normal childhood curiously of “if you show me, I’ll show you.” There is real victimization. Sometimes the abuser is older, the same age, or even younger. It is abuse because the one that is abused is caught totally off guard, doesn’t know how to respond, had previously thought this person was someone they could trust, and just sort of freezes in the moment and goes through with the requested action because he/she doesn’t know how to get out of it. They might also go through with it because they desire closeness and attention. Its not that they want sexual contact, but they need whatever they can get out of the situation, and then feel trapped and end up hating themselves because they got involved in something they never wanted or meant to get involved in. Even the childhood curiousity of “you show me and I’ll show you” can be taken advantage of if one of the people tries taking it to the next step and the other person feels trapped, or frozen or feels like some kind of violation is happening, but they just don’t know what to do to prevent it.
This only relates to the issue with children, but also when you are older. One person commented about feeling bad about something that happened when they were 16. It is just not about age. It is about the dynamics of seduction, or what is also being referred to as grooming. You think you are getting into one kind of relationship (like with a nurturing father figure), then that person turns the table on you, and wants something else. It can happen at any age. It happened to me, and it was at that point that I realized that seduction was not about sex, it was about emotions. You’ve been pulled in at a level you normally wouldn’t have gotten if the person hadn’t felt so safe to start with.
Whether it is a childhood playmate who suddenly does and wants something totally unexpected and you end up feeling trapped and confused, or whether it is an older person (teen or adult) who is lured into an emotional connection with someone who was only “baiting the hook” it is still abuse.
If it felt violating then it was.
It’s odd how we think of things as a child. When I was 12 I was raped by a boy who was a family friend’s son. Forever I didnt think it was rape because it wasnt violent and it happened with his mom and step mom in the next room. For some reason when I would think of rape, I thought about what you see in the movies with violence, screaming..etc.. Now I know better I was too scared to move. Scared to say NO. scared to do anytying because I knew nobody would think that this boy would do something like that. All he had to do was say I asked for it and everyone would believe him. Who was I????? Nobody I thought. So I just laid there and watched it happening.
[…] my abuser was a child, Was I abused if my abuser was younger than I was? On my blog entry entitled Abused Children Don’t Have the Option of Saying No, a reader posted the following comment: To be honest, posts like this invalidate me. My sexual […]