A reader asked if I would write on feelings about menstruation after sexual abuse. For sexual abuse survivors who connect their periods to the sexual abuse, the natural process of menstruation can be a monthly trigger that is challenging to overcome. Because we women do not have the power to stop our periods from happening, we need to find a way to manage the triggers associated with menstruation.
A woman once told me that she believes that the feelings a girl has toward her first period can affect how she feels about it the rest of her life. Her mother built up the period as being a rite of passage into womanhood that was deserving of celebration. This woman said that getting her period each month always put her in a good mood. It was a monthly reminder of feeling joyful.
Sadly, sexual abuse survivors often go the other direction. My first period felt pretty traumatizing. First of all, I didn’t know exactly what it was. My mother/abuser told me to expect to “bleed,” which I expected to be red blood flowing like when you cut yourself. So, when this brown stuff appeared in my underwear, I was baffled as to what it was. Once I figured it out, I had to tell my mother/abuser about it so I could have access to maxi-pads (which is what she used – I had never seen a tampon). I can still see that moment as clear as day. My mother shifted her weight from one hip to the other and said, “So I guess you’re a woman now.” I felt so ashamed and dirty, and I wanted to throw up. I now realize this was because of the mother-daughter sexual abuse, but I didn’t have any conscious memory of this at the time.
I was extremely embarrassed to be having periods and didn’t want my parents to know when I was having them. I didn’t know about tracking your periods to know when to expect the next one, so I “started” while I was spending the day with my father at his office on a Saturday. I was absolutely humiliated and determined not to tell him, but I had no maxi-pads with me. I rummaged through his secretary’s drawer and found a four-pack of OB tampons. I read the materials very carefully and then used a tampon for the first time.
I was shocked to learn that I had “hole” there where the period was coming out. I think this was more of pushing away the memories of sexual abuse because I had been raped numerous times by then, but I was completely unaware (at a conscious level) of having a place to put the tampon. I was so emotionally distanced from my body that I really had no understanding about where menstruation came from.
This blog entry is getting too long, so I will continue with dealing with your feelings about menstruation tomorrow. (Sorry to all of my male readers!)
Photo credit: Hekatekris
I too didn’t know what to expect with menstruation. I certainly didn’t want my parents to know. I was confused by the bleeding, and the pain was very distressing. I continue to find both triggering. I used to be able to use tampons, but now I can’t tolerate the sensation. I get overwhelmed with shame, the physical sensation revolts me, but then the blood is like acid. The first few days of every cycle are a write off for me with a migraine and flashbacks. I would really love for this not to happen every month.
I wonder if using reusable pads might help those triggered by their period, if only a little. Advantages could be 1. Many are made from pretty, bright colourful fabrics which could both help the inner child see them as less threatening and disguise the colour of the blood and 2. When worn they feel a bit more like just wearing knickers (panties?) rather than having a wad of plastic up against the skin. I was terrified of trying them at first but I’m a total convert now. Mine are mostly bright patterns of blue/red/purple with stars and butterflies and the blood barely shows on them.
I confess I have no problems with menstruation, but I think it’s partly because starting felt like it took me further away from the person I was when I was abused, as the SA had stopped by then.
P.S. I’m very sorry that anyone here has this problem. I am very grateful that it was one of the very few things in my psychological development that went ok. I do hate tampons though…
I remember that my abuser was in the house the day my first period began. Because my only experience of blood in that location had been as a result of what he’d done, I was disgusted, horrified and linked it to him. I tried my best to hide it from everyone, consumed as I was with shame.
I didn’t realize it until a few months ago… what would trigger me sometimes… its gross, but its the smell of it. I hate it. My periods have gotten heavier, and off of schedule which I think is why its more of an issue.
I cant connect with the feelings at the moment so its hard to write, what it makes me feel. But I become repulsed by my body and I want to rip it off of me. I know I si’d at least once because of all the blood triggered that need for more. When I first recognized it, I posted on isurvive but then I think I went back and deleted it the next day before anyone responded.
I’m sorry for everyone who is triggered by their menstrual cycle. It must be really scary and frustrating at the same time. It happens to not be one of my triggers, however, I do remember when the first time I had voluntary sex (that I recalled) I didn’t bleed very much at all (light spotting at best) and my hope was that the tampons (and sports) I wore caused my hymen to break. My intuition told me otherwise.
I also wanted to add that I am on the birth control seasonique that limits my period to every three months instead of monthly….this helps tremendously with my menstrual migrains. This may be helpful to limit the trigger each month….just a thought.
I also wanted to add that I am on the birth control seasonique that limits my period to every three months instead of monthly….this helps tremendously with my menstrual migrains. This may be helpful to limit the trigger each month….just a thought.
It’s an ordeal, every time again. It’s a huge trigger for most of my inner children and it causes shame for my male alter-part who has an enormous dislike of everything that confronts him with my female body. One of my inner children who has OCD-tendencies always feels so dirty and our period makes her terrified because of the associations she makes between the blood and her experiences. She gets triggered badly every time.
While blood calms us down when SI’ing, menstrual blood is a cyclic reminiscence of the act of abuse and the bleeding that followed.
I have an eating disorder and apart from everything else that it had as effect, the greatest relief was when the body stopped menstruating for many months in a row. Since a year now (after hospitalisations), the periods are slowly returning and it makes it really hard to keep eating.
I asked the doctor to prescribe me an anticonceptive that is used to control the bleeding and has as major effect that the ovulation stays out completely (which means: no menstruation anymore). He agreed (he knows my history), but the biggest common side-effect of this pill is weight-gain. So I’m too scared to take it. And I know that avoidance isn’t a solution, but until I/the others inside can deal with it… it would at least lessen the triggers and the horror we experience time and time again.
Hi, Chloe.
I don’t know your age and if you are finished with childbearing. Assuming you are, there is a procedure called an ablation that uses a laser to remove the endometrial lining. It stops your periods, and it also makes you infertile. My friend had it done to stop heavy periods. It was not an invasive procedure, and it has stopped her periods completely. You can read more about it here:
http://women.webmd.com/endometrial-ablation-16200
– Faith
This will sound extremely stupid, but I don’t remember feeling ‘shocked or surprised’ when I started having my period. I know I was around eleven when I started having it, but the abuse was sooo bad, and happened so often, that ‘bleeding’ wasn’t unusual–it was an every day occurence! I knew it would be a daily thing, so the ‘extra’ blood that would come, wasn’t horrifying to me. (I was, however, completely freaked out with just the idea of using a tampon–although, at the time, I didn’t understand why. I couldn’t understand why my friends at school would put something ‘there’ on purpose.)
I don’t have to think about that anymore. With all of the bleaches and detergents, and what ever else, my body was so damaged, I ended up needing to have a hysterectomy. No kids. I would never have that baby I so desperately wanted to have.
Theresa I feel so sadden by your story. I grieve for you that you will never have the baby you so desperately wanted. What a tragedy on top of everything else you have survived. I don’t want to offer anything trite, but I hope you find a way to fill the void with something positive and joyful.
KK
Hi, Theresa.
I am so sorry for your loss. I often wonder if my infertility is due to the sexual abuse. I’ll never know. All I know is that hub and I invested thousands of dollars and years of our lives into infertility treatments, and two different infertility practices were at a loss to explain why their procedures continued to fail month after month, year after year.
I eventually became a mother through adoption. Adoption doesn’t replace the bio baby you always dreamed of, but becoming a parent through adoption has its own unique beauty. I was surprised to learn that adopting a baby did not “cure” my feelings about my infertility. I am still just as infertile as I was before I adopted him — no longer childless, but still infertile. This is a loss that I have since grieved, but it was hard.
– Faith
Theresa,
That makes my heart hurt for you. I’m thinking of you today.
I, too, do not have children. But I have found that I can “mother” in many other ways such as mentoring, becoming close to friends children, etc. Just last week I was asked by my close friend to be the godmother of her daughter who is to be born on Feb 24. My cup runneth over.
Also, I find myself “giving birth” to many other things in life such as ….and idea, a project, my healing. I’ve noticed with all these things, as I’m giving birth and life to them, there comes with that pain and suffering. Such as a woman in labor.
Faith: you gave birth to this blog and nurture/mother all of us that read it. Thank you.
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I’m 23 now, but when I was 13 I had my first menstruation. My mother told me what to expect, I must have dissocatitated at the time. I remember sitting on the couch, and her starting to talk about it, when i came to she had left the room. The conversation was over.
I went into the bathroom, and found out i had started. I was crying i thought i was going to bleed to death. I also have extremely painful cramps as well.
I have been “secretly” reading this blog for quite some time. And I find this post most beneficial. After 35 years of hiding the abuse I told my mother, began therapy and faced the depression that I continually face. Thank you for being such a blessing.
I have found that it doesn’t always have to be child abuse that causes painful menstruation. I was 16 when I was raped by my boyfriend, who then broke up with me over the phone a month later for no particular reason other than “he’d gotten what he wanted”. For the 6 years preceding (I started getting my periods when I was 10), I never had any menstrual pain at all. Since then, every month without fail (I am now 22), I have had excruciating menstrual pain that renders me virtually unable to move for three days unless I’m loaded up with ibuprofen and paracetamol to take the agony away. My doctor says there’s nothing physically wrong with me and yet the pain persists. I don’t know if it’ll ever go away – I certainly hope so, cause I hate living like this. I even tried forgiving him for what he did to me, but I think the scar of abuse has gone deeper than words.
I kinda feel like I’m just whining here, but I’m sure I’m not the only one that has gone through this particular sort of circumstance.
Hi, Jessica.
You are definitely NOT “whinig.” The monthly pain sounds excruciating. Have you tried talking with a therapist about the rape? If the pain is trauma-based, perhaps healing the trauma will help to heal the physical pain as well.
~ Faith
Thank you for writing about this! I have had issues surrounding for period for a while now – I am 39. It comes twice a month and I get difficult emotions with it. I cannot understand why. I came searching for somatic symptoms of child abuse and menstruation. I have blocked out a lot of memories from childhood so I do not understand why I have issued around my period.
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