*****trigger warning — ritual and sibling abuse*****
S instilled a phobia in both my sister and me, but she made sure they were two separate and unusual phobias. She instilled a phobia of trolls in my sister. My sister was so frightened of trolls that my mother had to get rid of the book “The Billy Goat Gruff” because she would go berserk at the mention of a troll. I have no idea what object S used, but I am sure her method was similar to what she did to me.
I was drawn to S’s Russian nesting dolls, which was a very expensive, authentic set. I suspect I was Russian in a prior life because I am very drawn to Russian architecture, Faberge eggs, stories of Russian history, etc. Regardless of why, I loved those Russian nesting dolls, so she used them to instill a phobia in me.
She showed me how each doll opened to reveal another … and another … and another. When she got to the smallest one, she told me that, if I ever told anyone about the abuse, she would shove the smallest doll down my sister’s throat and kill her with it. Considering that S had already suffocated me with a pillow, I knew she was quite capable of doing this. I was too young to understand that she could not easily just kill a kid and get away with it. From my perspective as an abused 6 or 7-year-old child, this woman had complete power, and I had no hope of being saved from her power.
She then did things to me that I cannot as yet remember. They were so bad that I have continued to repress them. I just know that it was bad enough for me to become severely triggered by the presence of a Russian nesting doll, doubly so if it is displayed with the smaller dolls out.
From this day forward, S and the cult would use the Russian nesting dolls to frighten me. They would dramatically remove an inner doll, and then another, and then another, and I would become more and more fearful because the one I feared was the smallest one, which I believed had the power to kill my sister.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
That is so fucking messed up. I am soo sorry that happened to you. Really. Sorry for the intense response, I’m considering today many things about my own process/journey/healing, and boy…as the name of a blog i follow about sexual abuse says…ADULTS SHOULD NOT FUCK WITH CHILDREN! (I always add, their emotions, sexuality, spirituality, any of it!) It’s unconventional, requiring years of unconventional healing. AGAIN thank you for sharing your story. I’ve said this quite a few times already, but we appreciate it more than we can express. Keep fighting to thrive, dear friend. Keep safe while writing all of this, cyber-friend.
hopes for even more healing sent your way,
ang et al
Hi!
Thanks for the support. I have been struggling with migraines, malaise, etc., so I really need to keep hearing that it is helpful for me to share all of this.
– Faith
Dear Faith,
Still with you, and still being amazed by your stamina, resilience and determination for healing.
…I can’t even imagine what kind monsters raised S to become such an unspeakably vile adult.
You’re ending that cycle with your big heart, and your work Faith, and providing many others with hope to do the same. (I know you know that, but I feel it should be acknowledged often!)
Peace,
mia
Faith,
I so appreciate you sharing your story in depth. It helps me know I am not alone and that people like S really do exist. I know this is hard for you to do, but please know that I need the courage that you are displaying here.
Thanks again,
barbi
Thank you for writing this even tho it is so very difficult and causing you to have migraines, etc. I am deeply moved by the love you had and have for your sister.
It makes me so angry (a rare response for me) that S made you feel responsible for what S would do to your sister. I expereinced similar re: my little brothers, but never felt a right to anger over it (or anything else), but I can feel huge anger at S’s cruelty. She was the villain and your little being bore the pain…that is SOOOO wrong. Your love was agift to your sister…you cared so much for her.
Thank yo uagain,
Ruby
Hi, Ruby.
Your anger on my behalf is the first step toward embracing your own anger. :0)
– Faith
[…] My abusers used to lock me in a large plywood box for long periods of time. I have no idea why other than to freak me out. My memories of this are sketchy, but I definitely have flashes of being locked in the box alone and then sometimes with objects to freak me out, such as with a Russian nesting doll. […]
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Thank you for sharing your story with me.. thank you very much…
Faith,
Thanks you so much for sharing your story. It takes alot of strength and courage to be open about your abuse. I am currently in therapy for being raped when I was seven. You sharing your life story gives me hope in overcoming them effects from my abuse!
God Bless You,
Erin