On my blog entry entitled Passed the 30-Day Mark with Eating Disorder!, a reader posted the following comment:
I was wondering do you struggle to do anything for yourself as a treat? Today I was at the hairdressers and nearly had to leave I felt so evil for trying to make myself look nice and worthless for making any kind if effort with my appearance, I get that with a lot of things similar (clothes shopping for example) and I wasn’t sure if it was just what I was told by my particular abuser or something common to a lot of abuse survivors? ~ Sophie
Yes, I used to struggle with this, but I don’t any longer. I think this is a common issue for many child abuse survivors. We view ourselves through our abusers’ eyes and believe that we are unworthy of any sort of kindness.
I am a big fan of the singer Pink. She has a song out called F*ckin’ Perfect that addresses this issue nicely:
You’re so mean, when you talk, about yourself you were wrong.
Change the voices, in your head, make them like you instead. ~ Pink
To overcome this challenge, you have to change those voices in your head – those voices telling you that it is not OK to treat yourself to something nice. This gets back to the Compassion versus Self-Hate battle and the feed the right wolf story. Each time you choose to challenge those internal voices and be kind to yourself, you are building the strength of the “good wolf” and fighting the “evil” wolf.
I had to start with baby steps. I realized that the one “safe” way I could be touched was by my hairdresser when she washes my hair and cuts it. I gave myself permission to schedule a haircut each month, and I allowed myself to enjoy the physical “safe” touch involved in getting my hair cut. Today, I cannot fathom denying myself this pleasure, but it took a lot of strength and courage to give myself permission to enjoy this treat.
The same thing applies to buying new clothes. I would binge eat to manage my painful emotions, and I would “punish” myself for being fat by not buying myself new clothes. I would not buy a new pair of jeans until my old ones quite literally split. Now I do buy myself new clothing from time to time. I am far from a clothes horse, but I do buy myself new clothing that makes me feel good about myself when I wear them.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
I am finding that even if I did “nice” things for myself they were not really nice. I just imagined they were. They must be. It took a while before things were nice.
Faith mentioned hair. I was on my way to get my hair cut which I hate. I was tired and decided not to get it cut and have not for over two years. Come to find out I have really cool hair. I get lots of compliments and it bothers uptight people which is a bonus.
I am finding that my grooming instinct is now being allowed to be just as my instinct for a neat clean space is changing. Before I did all of that as I was supposed to if I did it at all.
Much of this has been taught to me by my cat. He likes to be petted and brushed as it feels good. If the house gets all chaotic he is not as happy over all. And he knows how to nap a most important thing.
That’s awesome, Faith =) Hope you got some new clothes lately =)
I struggle sometimes with the concept of treating myself nicely. Part of the time I don’t think that I deserve to be treated nicely, that I could spend my money elsewhere/more wisely.
I still sometimes equate treating myself nicely as drawing attention to myself, and drawing attention to myself feels inherently dangerous – so, I avoid doing things nice for myself under the misguided notion that it keeps me safe.
Finally, my abuse involved photography/filming for pornographic purposes. It was not uncommon for me to be ‘made up’ or to be required to don certain attire and the like; so, I just cringe at the concept of having my hair done or for shopping for anything specific/pretty.
One area that I’ve tried (and had some success) in breaking this pattern is to occassionally have pedicures. Of course, it is easy to put on socks or shoes, and in that manner ‘hide’ the nice thing I’ve done for myself, but I still know it’s there, underneath … heh, you know, hidden.
wtr
Years ago, I started treating myself better by going to Claire’s and buying an inexpensive set of earrings every so often. I love earrings and they didn’t cost much so I didn’t feel bad about spending the money on myself.
I hate having to get my hair cut. I wish it would grow to the length that looks best on me and then stop growing. I used to feel guilty about spending any money on getting my hair done. I have come a long way from there by doing it in little steps at a time until I now feel comfortable with the whole process. You can do it too.
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One time I had a boss tell me to buy new clothes. It was embarrassing. I wore the same things all the time and they were worn. I still didn’t buy clothes. I’m a little better about that now. The reason I’m posting is because I have this odd experience. I “shut down” when I go to a mall. In the past, I was unaware of it and just felt I could not look and left. However, one time I actually felt what happened. It was like a wall going down in front of me when I looked at a store and after that I was completely shut down in regards to shopping. I found it so strange. I don’t know if any of that is related to disassociation or if it’s related to something else. I was kind of curious.
hi nancy,
I have a similar reaction when I go to a mall. I get a mix of body reactions, fear, extreme shame, and disassociation. I always feel slightly dizzy and get headaches, but I think that comes from allergic reactions to something they use there, but not sure about that. Malls feels cold, and sterile, and busy and forbidding to me, and yet I know that many people go there to relax and unwind, and marketers put in a lot of effort to make people feel comfortable and want to buy – knowledge which makes me feel even worse. It helps me to read that others have the same reaction.
I also have a version of your ‘work clothes’ situation: when I finally make it out to buy things that I feel comfortable with I usually buy two or three at a time. It can leave some people with the unfortunate impression that I rewear my clothes without washing them…
My husband drags me out shopping from time to time, and we have to spend days preparing for it, as if for a marathon.
I know part of it comes because I have a physical aversion to seeing myself in mirrors, partly because I fear looking like my mother (even though I don’t look that much like her), partly because I learned to hate my body and face from her. I learned the message that I don’t deserve to have anything nice in life and that message is screaming at me from the second we pull into the mall parking lot. And partly it’s because I’d have to speak with store clerks where my mother would always be sure to humiliate me.