Yesterday, I shared that I had recovered a flashback of my aunt (mother’s twin sister) sexually abusing me as well ritually abusing me. Today I am going to write about why I think this is information I needed to process.
I was little in the flashback based upon how large the garage appears. It feels like I was around four years old, which would make my sister two. This would have been roughly three to six months after my mother first sexually abused my sister in my presence. It makes sense that the threat that I am processing today (that I reacted to in momster’s letter) would have happened soon after my mother made me aware that she had started sexually abusing my sister. My aunt lives across the country, so we did not visit that often. When I was in my teens, the trip was every summer, but this incident would have taken place before I was in school, so travel would have been easily facilitated at any time of year.
Up until this point, my memory has been that my mother started sexually abusing me as a toddler and then started sexually abusing my sister as a toddler. My father walked in on momster abusing me when I was ~ six, and he made her stop (although he did not talk with me about it or get me counseling). My parents hooked up with S&L, my most sadistic abusers, when I was ~ six. They “coincidentally” met S&L, our next-door-neighbors who never interacted with us until they were moving, and became fast friends. My sister and I were constantly over at S’s house after they moved (which happened right after the friendship started), so S’s abuse started pretty much right after momster’s abuse stopped.
I have always seen this as an unfortunate coincidence, but what if it was not? Momster is of low intelligence, and her sister was clearly the brains of that twosome. Momster started her abuse when I was little, and her sister stepped in to make sure I did not tell about my baby sister being abused. As soon as momster was “busted,” S took over the abuse. S brought my sister and me into the child porn and prostitution ring, which disguised itself as a cult.
My parents never interacted with any neighbors, so S&L might never have lived next door. That might have just been the cover story as my abuse was transitioned over from momster to S, and the timing was specifically to protect momster while the delivery of two children for a child porn and prostitution ring would have been profitable.
It all makes a warped kind of sense – actually more sense than just being unlucky enough to happen to live next door to RA abusers who just happened to ignore the little girls next door until they were moving away.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
You’re right that having neighbors who just happen to be RA’s doesn’t sound like a coincidence. These people sound very organized and methodical and most of all evil.
I still don’t understand how your sister stays connected to your momster unless she’s under programming. Nothing else makes sense to me.
I hate the thought of people profiting from delivering children into child porn and prostitution. It really upsets me about people keeping in contact with people who do this. I couldn’t continue to visit my sister when my brother moved in with her, and she started leaving her child with him to go out to work, or party, or whatever. At that stage I wasn’t consciously aware of his involvement with the crowd of my abusers in the past. I could see other facets of his lifestyle that to my mind did not merit being left alone with young children.
I told her I would not visit again unless she changed the way she dealt with my brother. She didn’t, so I didn’t. She maintained contact with my brother until just very recently, when she told him to get out of her house. (He had been staying with her again). He’s now out of contact with all the family, *except my sister’s child.* This freaks me out. I feel the same concern for your sister’s children!
Just a year or so before this, I had recovered the memories of what my brother had done. And disclosed to my sister. And told her I did not want contact with my brother, nor anyone who supported him. This is because he had visited at my place and in an indirect way, from how he behaved and what he said, I had ascertained it was definitely him there in my past. He later sent me some of his music, and in the middle of the CD were words that could be considered a threat to my life.
I asked my mother to send my last words to him, “Clean up your life.”
My sister completely freaked out over the knowledge, and could not absorb it nor accept it at all. Her response is to use psycho-babble to try to make out I’m crazy in some way. His response is to threaten to commit me. (to mental asylum of some sort). Much later, perhaps she started to see him more clearly, she kicked him out. Unless he completely changes his life I see no hope for him, beyond progression of illness, death, and/or capture.
In earlier childhood, he had threatened my sister with something life-threatening and evil. The only reason he was ‘sorry’ was because he was afraid he would be found out by people in authority. He’s busy hiding even now.
It is something that used to tear my heart up, the feeling of not being able to do something for the child. My sister seemed to be blind to his badness, mostly the reason for this seemed to me because she was involved in some form of badness herself, and with him. Or, she was abusing her own child. I hate the thought. I hate the thought of people profiting from child abuse. People who put money above life. Money ahead of love. I hate it.
I still miss my sister. I don’t miss my brother. The only option that seemed open to me at the time was to look after my own children, and keep them safe. I still wish there were more I could do. Maybe one day there might be.
Faith, it is very hard. It is very hard cutting contact with family.
I see no benefit to a group posing as a cult to run a prostitution and child pornography ring for profit other than to keep the children from telling.
I have followed a case in of a low level cult in Missouri Google “Missouri Sex Abuse Charges Dropped Against Six Relatives.” This is a low level cult and has no connections that were exposed with connections to other cults. It defies logic to think they came up with this all by themselves and it follows what other cults do. It is multi-generational.
Cult members take care of each other. They rent to each other, loan money to each other, give each other jobs ect. They really see children as property as it used to be historically. A which-craft cult is different in that the adult women are not property. I could made a case they survived for centuries as way to prevent from becoming property.
Cults do not write anything down. It is one reason they are not often caught.
In my case any prostitution was done on public property like a fair ground or property not on the land of the cult. The ceremonies were done with high security on land owned by the cults. I was traded often. Barter is the way cults work.
I expect the pornography was done often as a way to intimidate the child. I noticed that those that paid to abuse me in a location not owned by the cult had to change film and often the cults would pass around the camera or movie camera and never had to change film. As a practical matter you could not at that time develop film like that with out your own dark room. I expect it was done much like file sharing is done now and there was no market forces at work.
That being said I had to view some horrible films and my photo was put on telephone poles for me to see on the way to school.
When thinking about cult activity it is important to note that the adults always knew what was going to happen when the child did not.
It seems people think in terms of cults in extremes. They do not really exist and people just pretend as a way to abuse children or they run the world. It is in between.
_________
I do much with knowing when things happened by the size of things. It is how the reptilian brains measure. One reason why drawing is do hard.
With the first therapist who was a good psychoanalysis and knew she was in over her head and found someone else for me to see I was totally convinced that she had changed table as this one was smaller. It was about switching. I found a defect on the bottom of the table and would check each time for that. Well what happened is the table had been moved likely for cleaning and I could not find the defect. Freaked me out at the time.
_____________
More on “programming”
The child is left in the woods over night before they can move. In a place where the cry’s will not be heard. This is the base for the ceremonies. The child is taken from where they were left overnight and everything treated normal. Nothing special happened. It is not uncommon for a child in a ceremony to be wake up naked somewhere. They are then treated like nothing happened. It feels like a dream.
Much of what is called programming is to get a person to a physical state. Not unlike how you get people to go on a football field and get pummeled time and time again. They know they are going to get pummeled. They know they are going to be in great pain the next day. They know they may end up a cripple for life. They step on the field and that is just plain not an issue.
Some physical states take a long time to get to. You can not get exhausted to the point where you can not think in a short while. The “programming” is really a way to condition the body to get to that state quicker. What happens it is really a state few experience. Like the football player not many people know that state. And much like the football game. It is not reality.
_____________
I have not written on the suicide programming and one reason it is happens to be easy for me. In the MKULTRA program the end of the mission was to kill oneself. It was also the start of every mission. How am I gong to kill myself at the end of this mission. I was shocked when someone first asked me if I had a plan to kill myself. I did not know that was not the first thing everyone did in the morning. So for me it was easy. I decided as a child that at the end of the mission I would disappear. I knew how to do that due to my training.
The suicide “programming” is about taking away the fear of it. In general terms a better alternative to how you might die. The child will be told they need to kill themselves as punishment. They do not die and there is no other punishment so it is a good deal for the child. A kinda absolution for what ever they did that was “wrong” A forgiveness of sorts as the adult forgives them now they have killed themselves. It becomes a go to when ever the child thinks they have done wrong. Eventually the child will offer to kill themselves. The the child is told NO only if I tell you to do you kill yourself. The child looking for forgiveness as that has happened in the past is now in more trouble than before. Not a good place to be.
Once that is done the will you die for the group or for me or ect starts. Well the actual death is not connected. It is the killing ones self as the child thinks of it due to there experience. The term really means something different.
The self destruct program is different, This is when ever the child had pain or gets sick they are told it is them self destructing as they are not following and it will get worse if they do not follow. If the child asks what they did than they will be told. “You know.” as there is nothing to know it is confusing and stays unresolved. It is a throw back to if something bad happens it is you displeased the gods.
A child is also taught how to kill themselves and may even rehearse it. the child is told how to kill themselves and there will be no pain. They are told if it is done right than they will just disappear and there will never have been any pain and there will be nor more pain. That sounds pretty good does it not.
No I believe in past life. Often the only think I held on to is I do not want to have to do this all again. Could be just my way of making something up. Does not matter as it works and does not interfere with anything. I even sometimes see what I am doing now as having value in a future life. That does not work.
I can’t say I understand cult … I read a little further in your comment section each time I’m back … but I was glad that you decided to post … you owe no one to keep dark secrets.
Our hats off to you,
Our best,
Anns
http://newsdidmpdgooglesearch.blogspot.com
http://Annsmultipleworldofpersonality.blogspot.com
Dear Faith, Thanks for sharing this harrowing story. I was not ritually abused, however I was used by a child porn/prostitution ring for 2 years when I was 4 and 5. I remember overhearing my caregiver being given instructions for how to treat me and what to say to me after a particularly horrible event. I am finally able to deal with it now, so many years later. I fear for your sister’s children. It’s so easy to believe these kinds of things are unbelievable. I myself, struggled with it for years. These people know what they are doing, it’s their business, and they are very good at it. Thank God you have recovered enough to see through the programming.
Brighid,
I think it is important to understand that many who inflict trauma are competent at it and know what they are doing. Often more competent at what they do than those that are trying to help. Reality it is most often the dumb ones that get caught. if you have a issue outsmarting law enforcement you are not very smart.
I often wonder if the pedophile who is just on of many types of people that abuse children is caught after 50 to 100 times is because they lose interest in the keeping it hidden as it is so easy. Maybe they just get complacent.
By the time I was 10 I would give the instructions to the ones who paid to abuse me and collect the fee. I would even tell them they could bring candy if they wanted. I would slip in we needed to be done in an hour as I had to get back to school. This often made me more of a person to some of them. It was not unusual for them to just talk about themselves and often start crying.
__________
Cults seem to love code words. Make them feel in the know. Two or three of them used the term Diablo. It was not tied into anything specific. Just if they knew the word meant they were in the know and there for made them feel important. They would use it as my name. If it was said twice I was supposed to get in line. If it was said three times I was to be punished. They knew never to connect it to anything. So if I was in a hole in the ground in the winter for a week I never really knew what it was that I did.
It is what it is attached to that makes it different. Using a teacher that is controlling the class room. They might use first names most often with different tones. They might escalate to using calling you Mr. …. Or Miss …… Then when they had had enough use only your last name.
I know lots of parents that use the first name with the middle name only when they are angry and if the last name is used the child is in trouble. This is not connected as a plan or programming it just works.
I always felt that there was a “bigger picture” to the story of your abuse than the one that you were aware of and when reading your post I could feel it sinking in or rather “linking in” to what I had noticed previously, in that you rarely mentioned your momsters twin sister and when you did , it seemed like she was totally not associated with any abuse. which to me was somewhat impossible. it is validating to read that not only did she play a role in all those sick games but also a very key one , too.
I have always wondered what the “bigger picture” with my m/a was until I realized she was the bigger picture! though there was a convicted pedophile living next door as well as one or two cults in the area, she was her own cult. as children we were her property and though she did not “share” us with others, she claimed sole proprietorship.
Knowing how the cults are it makes perfect sense to me there is more than one in the same area. They split off and join up and do anything they see as an advantage. Much like gangs after a while. The gangs in the city are new once they get more establish there will be alliances and people shifting sides. Just the way the world is.