Before I integrated from Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), my memory was like Swiss cheese. I had a few vivid memories from my childhood, but they all involved my younger sister and me playing together without anybody else around. I have a few vivid memories from elementary school and can even tell you the name of each teacher throughout elementary school. However, so much was just gone, but I never realized it.
One fascinating thing about DID is a person’s ability to fool herself into believing that her memory is good when it is not. It was only after I started having flashbacks and analyzed what I actually remembered about my childhood that I realized how few memories were actually in my memory bank. That concerned me because people do not generally block out positive memories.
I saw the movie The Three Faces of Eve, which ends with the title character integrating after DID. She suddenly had the complete memory of her childhood. I always wondered if I would have the same experience. While I have recovered many more memories, my experience was a bit different.
In the movie, Eve wound up having all of her memories available to her. While many of mine have been restored, I still have some holes. My therapist is not concerned about this. He says that I probably “wasn’t there” for many things that happened. Also, I was probably in such a survival mode that I never imprinted many memories in the first place.
One wonderful thing has been the recovery of positive memories. One in particular was from when I was in the third grade. My family spent the day outside in the backyard doing yard work. I played in the grass and relished just being alive. I was so present that day. It was the perfect day. When we had to go inside, it was to watch my favorite television show, which was The Wonderful World of Disney. It was the perfect end to a perfect day.
Before recovering this memory, I had the wrong belief that every minute of my childhood was filled with horror. While there was plenty of horror in my childhood, there was also beauty. It was only through choosing to remember my childhood that I finally had access to the positive memories as well.
Also, my memories are not always linear. I have many memories that I can place within a certain time frame, but they are not necessarily in the order in which they happened. I guess the actual order does not matter, as long as I have access to the whole picture.
I do believe that I now have access to the whole picture. Some things exist in my head as memories. Other things I just “know” without being able to say how I know. Too many of those “knowings” have been corroborated by my sister, who was there, for me to doubt their authenticity.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
thanks for sharing… i felt really connected to you as you wrote this… i used to think people were lying when they would tell stories from their childhood, especially early on, and esecially when they were vivid. because like you i had nothing. still dont. except what i dont want cause its so bad. 😦 its so hard sometimes… it was easier when i didnt know anything.
Swiss cheese…very familiar. I fooled myself into believing my memory was good…until I tried to really look back. I could remember random stuff no problem–names, birthdays, phone numbers…
Then a couple of years ago, I found myself struggling in life and relationships, not understanding why. In one part of my deep soul-searching, I thought back to childhood and I realized that among the many other black holes, I couldn’t remember my fourth grade teacher’s name, or the fourth grade for that matter…That’s when the first flashbacks occurred. Since then, a series of flashbacks have revealed more instances of sexual abuse up through the months following high school, from more than a dozen different men and boys.
I’m now beginning to see where the insecurity, panic attacks, perfectionism, self-sufficiency, pride, shame and relational dysfunction come from, though I still can’t remember much.
Thanks for what you provide here.
Hi again, i hope you dont mind me commenting on here. You are obviously very intelligent and brave, and i just wanted to add my bit! Just a bit about therapy – My therapist is brilliant, hes very careful in my process and very skilled. But, ive noticed that due to all that false memory syndrome stuff coming out and the idea that the therapist could of suggested the memories hes very careful to keep a distance.I find this sometimes a problem sometimes.Im sure in his own mind he knows exactually what im going through. But to set boundaries he suggests every other reason for whats happening to me ( im recovering memories) than what im doing. Sorry my english aint great – for example i have body sensations. He might suggest that these come from a physical problem. Sometimes i just want someone 100% on my side, and although im sure he is, it sometimes doesnt feel like it.
Si…my heart aches for you. I can see you are desperate for some validation of what you are experiencing. Let me assure you, the body sensations, often called “body memories” are very real. I know there is alot of skepticism out there, and it is probably wise to proceed with caution and discernment. But the occurrence of flashbacks, body memories, and emotional memories is valid. My flashbacks did not occur during any therapy. They have always occurred without suggestion from anyone else. They’ve come when I’ve tried to understand something about my personality or behavior or emotional responses, and often after or during deep prayer. For the most part, they have been totally spontaneous (in the sense that they were not triggered by some event, situation, or conversation). I’m not sure exactly what triggered them, except perhaps a desperate desire for the truth. I’ve had a couple of body memories as well–one last night in fact. Just know that someone believes you, supports you, and will pray for you. There are a number of books out there that may help you understand, accept, and deal with what is going on. I can recommend a few if you’d like…We will survive–and thrive.