I recently wrote a blog entry entitled Words of Wisdom from “The Shack”: Dangers of the Label “Child Abuse Survivor”, in which I said the following:
A couple of years ago, a friend called me on my “dependence” upon the label of child abuse survivor. She told me that, although I had been abused as a child, a child abuse survivor did not define who I am. By choosing to identify myself with this label, I was boxing myself in and limiting the potential of who I could be.
If I identify myself a child abuse survivor, then I set limits on my own potential. The human spirit has no limits, so why do I want to limit myself? She pointed out that I was forcing myself to live in a closet while I had mansion at my disposal. Only I could choose to step out of the closet and claim what is rightfully mine – A fulfilling life that is not limited by anything.
A fellow child abuse blogger took issue with these words, saying the following on his blog:
I’m still not exactly sure what it is about this that bothers me, but I think it has something to do with the idea that being labeled as a child abuse survivor is the one and only label you can have. Of course, it doesn’t define who I am, but it does define part of who I am. Just like being a husband isn’t ALL that I am, or being a blogger, or working at a law firm. None of those things captures all of what I am, but they are all absolutely part of who I am. The idea that I can’t live up to my potential while also acknowledging that I am a survivor seems wrong to me. Of course I am a survivor, and I’m so much more than that. This is why I have the potential to enjoy a fulfilling life, not because I’ve turned my back on being a survivor, and calling myself one, but because surviving the abuse is only part of who I am. ~ From On Labels
I think this blogger and I actually agree more than we disagree on this issue.
The point that my friend was making was that I was using my self-applied label of “child abuse survivor” to limit myself, which is actually more of a victim-mentality than survivor-mentality. In the context of our discussion, her words helped free me to become more than just a “child abuse survivor.”
That being said, there are times when I find the “child abuse survivor” label helpful in understanding myself. For example, when I become triggered by something that does not bother other people, I feel like a “freak.” However, when I remind myself that becoming triggered is normal for a child abuse survivor, I feel compassion for myself rather than self-loathing.
I think labels can be both helpful and harmful. They are helpful when describing your own experience to others. They also help you understand what is going on inside of yourself.
However, if we choose to define ourselves by our labels, then we can wind up limiting ourselves. For example, if I say that I can never do X because I was abused as a child, then I will believe that I cannot do X and will not even try. I might be perfectly capable of doing X, but because I think that I can’t, I can’t.
I know a woman with a poster in her office of a person climbing a steep mountain. The caption says, “Whether you think you can or you can’t, you will be right.”
Back to this blogger’s comments … I, too, have many labels that apply to me: mother, sister, friend, child abuse survivor, volunteer, church member, college instructor, blogger, etc. Not one of these labels fully defines who I am. I am a multi-faceted person. While each label fits in a particular area of my life, none of them defines me. I think this is the key to whether a label is “good” or “bad.”
What are your thoughts on labels?
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
I totally agree on the label only being a part of who we are. Not allowing it to become our only label is important for our lives to be well rounded and fulfulling. In the beginning it’s important for a survivor to acknowlege they are one, moving past that label as the “main” label takes a different amount of time for each individual.
Also, I think sometimes people who are not survivors are uncomfortable with the subject and wonder why we spend time on talking about it. Education is the key here, what they don’t understand is that we were silent for too long, and breaking the silence is vital to our growth as survivors.
I think labels can be as detrimental as empowering, depending on how they’re approached. As a CSA survivor, I choose that label, but I also choose to not let it dominate me. I will never say that I can’t do something because I am a survivor. I may acknowledge that being abused makes some things more of a challenge, but there are also other things that can be obstacles in life, unrelated to abuse. “Survivor” is only one of many labels I apply to myself. I am also many other things.
We are survivors. We were, are, and will always be affected by the abuse we endured. But it never has to define us, or overpower the other components that make up the whole. We never have to let our abuse take away pieces of ourselves ever again.
I completely agree with Barbi. I think, it is necessary for many reasons especially in the beginning. I think of it less as a label, and more of a category of experience. As humans, we have the need to separate things so that our brains can deal with them, it’s natural. Unfortunately, that process has been used to discriminate and limit all sorts of people, and still is. It’s up to each of us and all of us to change how we look at why certain things are labeled or categorized and what that means for us. When/if it no longer has use, drop it.
I also agree that sometimes people who are not survivors do not get why the label is useful and why we may need to talk about it. Some may even feel left out when the term is used…? Like it’s something they don’t feel qualified to comment on or whatever… I know that sounds bizarre, but it would not shock me.
Hi,
I think Tamara has pretty much described the genesis of the label survivor in many survivors lives. Me too. I agree with Mike as well.
Labels can be healing, as well as defining instead of being only limiting, at times. Having many self-defined labels can be healing, rewarding, and validating.
I don’t totally validate the belief that labels are self-fulfilling prophesies for failure or success, just because you believe in something. There are so many elements that contribute to success or failure. However, not trying at all is a sure path to failure.
Thanks for blogging on this subject.
Kate
I tend to think that wisdom is usually found in the place of balance, and that balance in an issue like this is something we can only find by trusting our intuition and feelings (which can be hard!) I think that understanding and accepting ourselves as survivors of abuse is a very powerful and necessary tool for our healing journey. I also think that we can sense when we at times use our identification with the label “survivor” an excuse rather than a tool. I don’t think it’s an all or nothing issue: as if the label is always an excuse, or always a helpful tool. I think we probably all use it as both at times. It may be helpful for friends or partners to help us see instances where it may be limiting us (our use of the label, not the label itself), but ultimately we will look into our hearts and know if they are right about that or not. And I think we are all learning to recognize when our perceptions and labels of ourselves help us to love ourselves others more effectively, or when we would do better to make adjustments.
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