On my blog entry entitled Blinders from Not Living in the Present, a reader posted the following comment:
Also, you don’t account for those of us, who unfortunately, still have contact with the people that hurt us. I know that your solution is to cut all contact, but your situation is different. Your sister had a lot of the same experiences, so she is with you. In my case, I was THE target. If I cut all contact, I lose everyone. ~ Theresa
I cannot emphasize strongly enough the need to cut off all contact with your abusers when you enter into therapy to heal from child abuse. This is not just my opinion – My therapist was emphatic about this as well. At my very first session, I told my therapist that I was leaving the next day to see my mother/abuser for an early Christmas get-together with my side of the family. His response was that I needed to cease all personal contact with her for at least the first few months of therapy.
My first reaction was, “No way!” It’s not that I wanted my mother/abuser in my life; the problem was that I did not believe that I had the option of cutting her out of my life. Just the thought of telling her to get out of my life about caused me to have a panic attack right there in his office. He probed my reasons, but I would not budge. He then said, “If you are not willing to end personal contact with your mother, at least for a few months, then there is little I am going to be able to do help you through therapy. Until you feel safe, therapy is not going to do you much good, and maintaining a personal relationship (visits, phone calls, etc.) is going to prevent this from happening.”
I had been so hopeful about starting therapy, and I realized I had a choice to make. I didn’t think I could do it, but I knew he was right. I was not willing to continue staying emotionally sick just because telling her to back off would hurt her feelings. So, I made the terrifying decision to tell her that I was cutting all personal communication for a few months while I entered into therapy to deal with some childhood issues. We could communicate through emails or letters, but no phone calls or visits until further notice. Period.
What started out as a short-term break in contact has grown into almost seven years of separation. I don’t believe that I would have been able to heal to the degree that I have if I had kept my mother/abuser in my life. To be honest, other than my sister, I really don’t have much to do with any blood relatives. Even my sister lives far away (nine hours by car), and we only get together once or twice a year for a visit.
Instead, I have built my own “family,” developing deep friendships with women who are as close to me as sisters. I have met my needs in other ways – I did not need to involved my severely dysfunctional family to meet my needs.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
I agree with this 100%!
You cannot have a relationship with your abusers and heal. I had to do exactly the same thing with my mother/physical abuser. My mother dragged my step-father and followed me to the town I moved to when I got married! I couldn’t get away from her so she was everywhere. I didn’t think I had a choice because of “honoring thy parents” which she used as a hammer to beat me over the head with, but I did have a choice. She’s still physically violent even though I’m in my 30’s. My therapist strongly advised taking some time to heal and cutting her off. She is also the only parent I have as my real father has not been part of my life since I was about 5 or so. I shouldn’t have been surprised considering that my mother is nuts, but when I said that I was taking 6 months to get theraputic help, my mother responded with vicious anger and threats. She started talking about me behind my back, attacking my marriage (because my husband stands up to her), and making threats. That sealed the deal and showed me that she is exactly who I’ve always known she is.
My therapist pointed out that a parent who loved their child may be sad when the child says they need space but that a loving parent would put their child’s welfare above their own. The child’s mental health would be more important to them than their own feelings and they would give them the space they needed. Now, the 6 months will become a lot longer, perhaps forever, but as soon as I cut her out of my life, I started to heal. You can’t heal from an infection until you treat the source. It was an incredilby hard step, not because I loved her or wanted her in my life but because she has always been a figure of fear for me and with good reason. After getting her out of my life, I was fianlly able to start dealing with the sexual abuse committed by an uncle and that’s been huge. I couldn’t move on until I dealt with her first.
It took me several months to have the courage to end contact (except through emails) but the radical improvements it’s made in therapy and life in general was well worth it. I feel like I almost have a life now, and I plan on continuing it this way.
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Faith Allen, tai0316. tai0316 said: Importance of Cutting Off Contact with Abusers: http://t.co/tr0TlMr […]
Cutting off contact with abusers will take different levels of effort for some than others. For some the resources may need to be created and this may take some time.
Some people are in a situation where there life is very controlled, leaving and being found can mean death.
If the spouse is the abuser and their are children the court has to agree to no contact which can put one spouse in a disadvantage with the court.
I agree that it is highly probable that cutting off all contact is necessary. I can not imagine a situation where it is not. My imagination does not see all possibilities.
On a practical note if you are going to cut contact it may be better to clearly inform the people that you are cutting contact with that you are doing so. Understanding that if they do not accept it that is OK as long as the contact stops.
I totally agree. For a long time I still had contact with my father/abuser but that was like a block against any healing. I never realised that at that time. But when I left the country and told him I do not wish any contact with him that was like a great push towards a better life. Still it was the most difficult thing to do and I needed to leave the country to be able to. But we are worth that no matter what!!!!!
If I was to cut off contact with my father, my mother would suffer more than she already has. It is simply not something I’m willing to do to her despite the agonizing issues that continue come up as recently as yesterday. I am strong enough to handle it and I would rather take on the brunt of the issues and stand up to my abuser as need be than have my mother hurt more. She is 80 years old. She does not need another crises in her life.
Considering where I am today, that is saying a lot. things are not easy right now. It would be easier to not have to deal with my family at all… for me. But because I don’t want to be like him in any way I refuse to let my life path harm others and cutting contact would harm others.
Hi, Shen.
You need to move at the pace and in the direction that your intuition tells you.
That being said, I do have a question for you — Have you considered all of the possibilities? If your mother would be unsafe being left with your father, could you and she leave together? That way, instead of you throwing yourself under the bus with her, perhaps both of you can avoid the bus together.
– Faith
Faith – I’ve just been writing about my latest interaction with them on my blog. It might make it clearer what I’m saying if you read it.
My mother will not leave him.
My mother is 80 years old.
My mother is not in danger from him – the danger would be dismanteling the delicate balance of her perception of reality. She has been married to him for 63 years. She is completely entwined in his craziness. She needs to beleive that she was a good mother and that her children all love her and in order to do that she needs to keep the fantasy of her marriage alive. It would literally kill her, at this stage of the game, to tell her the thruth. I simply won’t do it to her.
Of course, if anything happens to her, I will not be able to spend another minute with him.
Hi, Shen.
It is not my place to tell you what to do. You have to do what you feel is right for you. I, personally, cannot be in a relationship with my mother/abuser, but my sister manages to do it. Like you, she does not want her kids to know what a momster their grandmother is. I don’t want my kid in the same state with the woman. This dynamic makes things interesting when the cousins get together.
I think it helps that my sister lives in a different city (about 4 hours away by car). She still visits with her and talks to her on the phone, but the distance helps with her healing.
– Faith
You’re in fear and in denial. You need to cut off all ties even if you do not tell them you are cutting them off which would be best but you need to cut all ties.
Cutting off my parents was one of the hardest things I have done in my healing journey. The grief and loss were incredible, but I had reached a point wherehavimg them in my life was even more unbearable.
Fast forward several years later, and I look back at that decision with pride. It was perhaps the most self caring and self loving decisions I have made for myself. It shows that I am capable of caring for all parts of myself, and it gave me the room to create a new family of healthy, loving friends and acquaintences.
If you are in the middle of this decision, you have my support. It’s a very hard place to be in, but you are laying the foundation for very profound healing to come.
There are ways to keep contact and create strong boundaries. I’ve done it. It can work, but it is very difficult. If your abuser is no longer a threat (to you or anyone else) then it is possible to form clear boundaries and be safe around them. Sometimes this is helpful to keep families from completely falling apart.
I would hate for my children to know what a monster their grandpa is.
Shen,
I agree that setting boundaries is crucial. I found that setting boundaries gave me more space and freedom. Once I understood what that felt like, it became harder and harder to return to the old, unhealthy dynamics of my family. Even though they were no longer a physical threat to me, they were still capable of emotional abuse. Your experience may vary, but it is hard for me to imagine a family that was abusive in the past learning to interact in healthy way, at least not without a significant amount of healing work done by all members of the family.
We also have different definitions of what triggers a family falling apart. I understand your post to say that it is when a victim breaks contact with the family. And from the outside, I think that’s what it looks like. It’s certainly what my family would tell you. But I don’t agree that the abusers are allowed to create a living hell for their victims and then call it a loving family, as mine did. My family collapsed when the abuse began, not when I finally put a stop to the it.
seems like the family has already fallen apart and if you aren’t careful the children will find out what a monster he is directly from grandpa
I am wondering if cutting it off from your abusers can be harmful. What if you financially “cut yourself” off.
What about boundary setting or minimal contact and safety plans?
I am curious? Should all the consequences be considered. Is it possible to heal in more than one way?
Brenda Bomgardner, MA, NCC in Denver
Hi, Brenda.
I used to be active on a message board for survivors of mother-daughter sexual abuse. Many of the women there were still very much enmeshed with their mothers/abusers. Their mothers raised them to be financially and emotionally dependent upon them. The daughters feared breaking off contact because they did not know how to live on their own. The financial ties were just another way for the mothers/abusers to control the children and continue victimizing them.
The board moderator made some radical suggestions, such as enlisting in the armed forces to get away. The mother/abuser could not just storm onto an army base, and housing, etc. is provided as part of the package. There are other ways to do it as well.
This is just my opinion, but I don’t think you can find freedom when you are financial reliant upon another person. How can you? If the abuser has the power to cut off your access to financial support so you cannot eat, pay the light bill, etc., then the abuser continues to control your life.
Cutting off contact is a HUGE decision that cannot be taken lightly. I did not take it lightly myself. I do stand by my assessment, though, that healing is going to be limited when you never feel safe, and you are never going to feel safe as long as your abuser is in control.
– Faith
your abuser has brainwashed you into thinking that you need them it’s best to cut all ties so that the brainwashing will unravel and you can get on to a happier life; cutting them off is probably the hardest thing you will have to do get a loan from a bank if you need financial assistance.
I found this interesting. When I was three an 1/2 I moved away from one group of abusers. I healed quite a bit. I was sold to another cult so it started again in a new town.
I was free for the most part each summer as we lived in a different house. I healed a lot there also although I knew I was going back.
I know I am lucky to have those breaks.
I moved away when I was 14. There was one attempt to abuse me and I was able not to fall into the trap. I thought it was my age. Having had a few months away from the abusers had a big part in it.
I am getting to the part I at least feel is interesting. I have always done best outside of the state where I was abused. Dramatically so. I always left on a fugue.
I think I may need to leave the state. It is not the abusers it is the climate and the way the sun is here. Perhaps being aware will make the difference.
It’s not the place it was the bad people but you can and should leave the state to get away from them.
As soon as I read your reply I connected 100%…i wrote a book and I always felt it might be fugue that made me move. Please read it..im not trying to sell my book on here…i just cant believe how healing it is to know im not alone…writing the book made me feel better and I was able to add fiction and kill off my abusers..it called forgotten pages…im Denise Landry. I kept in contact with my.father oit of fear of losing the rest of my family and even they werent supportive of wbat I had been through so I think thats why I move so much…wow this is a great site;)
Hi, Dee/Denise.
It’s OK to share a link to your book. :0)
Forgotten Pages (Volume 1)
~ Faith
For me, acknowledging that the abuse happened meant that I had to cut off contact. It was black and white in my mind–once I said, she did that, I knew couldn’t be in the same room, at least for some time. I started off though by asking for a more vague time away from contact, before setting boundaries more clearly.
I was very struck by what you said about the reaction of an abusive parent vs. a non-abusive one. My dad was not perfect but I know that if I explained to him that my process required a hiatus of contact, he’d agree, just like you describe. The reactions of abusive relatives have been very different.
Sometimes I feel guilty about the choices I made, but I know that they are necessary to my healing process. And in spite of how hard it is to heal, my life really is better this way. Thanks for a thoughtful & thought-provoking post.
congratulations on getting in a position where you can heal and lead a healthier happier life. Good for you I only hope that I am as successful or better.
I’m in a tough situation because I want to cut myself off completely from my abusers, but my parents insist that they still be a part of our family. For example, my grandma (who took me to the rituals) still comes over at least once a week for dinner. My dad, who lives with me and my family. My uncle who is not in prison comes over quite frequently. My cousin who was just released from prison about a year ago comes over quite frequently. And the list goes on. I try my best to stay away from my house as much as possible but you can only do that for so long. I plan to move out as soon as I finish my student teaching, but for the past 2 1/2 years I have been forced to be around at least 1 of my abusers at any given time. The thing I hate the most is that no matter how many times my T calls my mom to tell her to not let these people come over anymore, she always makes up some excuse for them and they still show up at the house. I wish I could do something about it but I can’t.
Hi, Bee.
It sounds like your best strategy is to complete your student teaching and then take a job as a teacher as far away as you can. As long as you are living where you are, you are not going to feel safe. Once you have your own place, you get to decide who comes over.
– Faith
I would just get a job and leave.
It was my initial post that somewhat created this subject. While I do understand the thought behind cutting all contact with the people that hurt you, it is waaay more difficult than what it sounds like. It was always engrained into me to ‘honor your father and mother.’ And as stupid as that may sound, I was made to believe that.
Also, it isn’t just about the ones that hurt me. If I cut all contact with my parents, where does that leave me with the rest of my family? I have two brothers, and two sisters, and with the exception of one brother who raped me, I still care about the others. Not to mention that I have 15 neices and nephews, and 17 great neices and nephews! If I cut all contact with my parents, the others would probably follow. So, it seems to me like I would be the one losing, and my parents would be taking one MORE thing away from me! How is that fair?!?
My parents do not physically hurt me anymore–emotionally–yes, physically no. And I feel guilty because they are now 76 years old. And to be honest, I still struggle HARD with the fact that I am to blame–it was ME that brought out all of that anger and hate, so there is probably a big part of me that doesn’t truly blame them. I don’t know, maybe it is just easier somehow to blame myself.
I’m so sorry Theresa, you are in a very painful place that you do not deserve to be in. You are not to blame for the actions of others and I’m sure you’ve heard that before, but I just wanted to reiterate it because it is true.
Although cutting off contact with your abusers could be best for your healing, I don’t blame you a bit for not wanting to cut off contact with the rest of your family, that would be hard and like you said, unfair.
I’m wondering if it would be possible to create boundaries with your parents that wouldn’t necessarily cut them off. For example: limit the contact, when there is contact have it be on your terms.
I have learned to go visit my parents for short visits rather then have them come to my house because if I go visit them I can leave when I need to. My parents are not aware of my boundaries with them, they just think I’m a very busy person. This way I get to keep the close relationships with other family members without my parents being a large part of my life.
Faith is right that the healing process is slower doing it this way, but at least I am healing and I am creating boundaries which empowers me even if they don’t know it.
Take care of yourself.
Then maybe you will be free of them when all of you die. Besides you’re an adult now and you have free will you are able to make decisions for yourself now. I think you’re making excuses because you are still afraid of them. That doesn’t make you a coward and it is completely natural for you to still be in fear; you just cannot force yourself to spend the rest of your life this way. You owe it to yourself to take the leap and do something about it. Do something phenomenal and get them out of your life.
This has been a source of frustration for me, even though I’m no longer getting hurt.
I want to leave but know that financially, it’s a foolish decision – but I might be in a better position to leave at the end of next year.
I get tempted to despise myself for still staying – I”m not a child or a teenager anymore…
Theresa,
can you see in what you wrote that you position yourself still as a willing victim. Even if you think you can’t change how you feel, belief in yourself and you can. People and certainly parents that have done you so much harm don’t deserve your consideration.
Come on you’re not to blame, they should have been the more mature ones and it was their duty to protect and support you.
But no they took it as their duty to harm you in more ways then i think you now realize.
Its nice that you love and care for lots of people, only that is no reason to stay and not change things. Love should come from two sides so if your 2 sisters and 1 brother care a little about you they can come to you, so you don’t have to break with them.
Sorry if have not used a more careful way of communicating, but you feeling guilty and blaming yourself triggert my alarm and it also doesn’t help that this is not my native languish.
I hope you will try and take control over your own live.
And for what its worth: barbi gave a good direction how to combine your wellbeing and keeping in touch with the good part of your family.
faithallen: you must be a strong and good person, not only surviving it but using it to help yourself and many others, this looks to be a special place on the web where ppl try to help each other. A place were a group of ppl can come and not feel alone.
And you created this shelter.
I wish you all strenght, wisedom and lots of love.
Herp
Barbi,
Thank you so much for what you said! It means a lot to get some validation!
Very interesting, so many different ways to heal.
I moved back to my hometown with
the intention of looking after my
parents in their old age (both in their seventies) being the model son that I was brought up to be.
Yes, I was also brainwashed with “honour thy parents”, Alice Miller really did set me free.
However, it wasn’t long before I had a
nervous breakthrough and everything
that had been done to me by these
people came flooding back, physical,
sexual, emotional abuse.
I decided to cut all contact with them,
I was so angry, I felt like beating them
up, but unlike my parents I was responsible in not acting destructively on my powerful emotions.
I wrote a letter to them and their family detailing what was done to me as a
child and asked them what kind of a family is it that condones/ignores abuse of children anyway?
My brother is in complete denial about the abuse we both endured so I have had to cut him out too, painful but
necessary.
I have my own life to live now.
When I pass any of them on the street I just walk past them and slowly I am beginning to see them not as family
but as the true strange-rs that they are.
They don’t dare say anything to me after
my little letter, I as much as told them that the next one would be to the police.
I can see my parent’s/abuser’s house from my bedroom window, I like to think of it as ‘keeping an eye on them’
🙂
Now I can see that I returned to live where I grew up to confront
the ugly past and my aim is to live a rich and rewarding life here and when I am ready, I’ll move on somewhere else or
maybe not, we’ll see, I like my neighbours and the location.
Guilt does rear it’s ugly head now and again, but for me it is as simple as either believing the disgusting depraved and torturous acts were done to me or they were not. For me its black or white, guilt is grey, my sanity is at stake by returing to an environment where the abuse is consistently denied.
I really appreciated your comment DEF. The “honor thy parents” thing can be so difficult when they are the abusers. In my situation, as stated earlier, I have cut my mother out of my life. However, I am her only child and therefore when she is too old to take care of herself it will fall to me to handle it. BUT my husband and I talked about this long ago and I decided that I will make sure to find a facility that will take good care of her. I will check in to make sure that she’s being treated well and that she doesn’t need anything and that’s all. That’s it. My step-father did not abuse me and they are married so I will make sure they are both taken care of. I will NOT let them stay with me, ever and for this is a good balance. I don’t feel guilty and I know that there is no way n this earth that I could ever take on that responsibilty. I can’t even take care of myself 🙂 The man who sexually abused me is an “Uncle” so that’s not an issue in this case. My mother was a physical abuser/verbal/neglect etc. But like you I don’t feel the need to sink to her level.
So, good for you! I’m really happy for you that you were able to get that burden off of your shoulders. Believe me, if I had more family available I’d tell them to take care of it but I feel that I’ve found a good balance. This won’t be a real issue for many years probably, but having a plan in place keeps the anxiety away.
Hi tai0316, thank you.
I take great comfort in knowing that I am not alone
in my situation and my feelings resulting from this.
I think I would help make arrangements for them to
be accomodated in a care facility too but that’s it,
nothing else.
I will not be attending funerals or any of that,
sadly they were always dead to me, at least emotionally, it’s just taken me time to be honest
with myself.
You’ve really got to walk in someone else’s shoes
before you can judge someone isn’t that right,
I think a wise man once said that or something
similar 🙂
Keep taking good care of yourself,
You deserve it.
Here’s a question I have been struggling with for a long time, that is TOTALLY related:
My father was my primary abuser (and to most people’s knowledge, my only abuser. But my mother was physically, mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusive too, and primarily AFTER the Disclosure (when I disclosed the abuse by my father). My therapist has been telling me for the last year that I need a “family-ectomy” and to cut off communication with my mom, but when I finally wrote to her about a month ago and told her that I couldn’t keep pretending we were okay when the fact that she was abusive to me went unadmitted and unresolved – AND SHE APOLOGIZED AND ASKED FOR FORGIVENESS!!! I’ll admit, this was what I had hoped for – but hope and belief are two completely different things; I never expected it to happen.
So what do I do now? She is making a very clear and honest effort to change her thinking, and her behavior (I am the oldest of five and all but one of the others is still at home – I was the primary victim, but blame shifting, yelling, and guilt trips were a common aspect for all of us, as well as some physical abuse like flicking of ears and lips, or grabbing arms roughly). I have always believed that forgiveness does not necessitate reunion, but with my father that was easy – he’s in prison for the rest of his life! With my mother…I am at a total loss. She really does seem to have changed, and I DO want a mother-daughter relationship – but how can I trust her? How can I deal with memories and all this junk when I am still in touch with her? Is it okay to cut off communication for a season, to heal, and then re-establish contact later? Or is that counter-productive?
Faith, I am incredibly thankful that I found your blog – you are a God-send! I hope you can offer perspective on this. I am feeling very lost and very sad.
Hi, Davina.
A big truth that it is hard for child abuse survivors to get is this: You do not have to have a relationship with ANYONE that you do not want in your life. Period. It is OK to pull away for a season, and it is OK to pull away forever. It is your choice and nobody else’s.
I, personally, would both appreciate and be wary of an apology. An “I’m sorry” would not be enough for me. I would also need to see actions of taking responsibility, such as offering to pay for my therapy. “I’m sorry” is easy — taking responsibility is hard.
My therapist told me that I need to be realistic about what my mother has to offer in a relationship. (She has never apologized or taken responsibility for the abuse.) I think you need to be realistic about what she has to offer in a relationship and if it is worth the investment.
I, personally, would take some time “off” from my relationship with her for a season so you can heal. Then, after you have done this, if you feel the pull to be in a relationship with her again, you can start over. I found such a relief from having my mother out of my life that I never went back.
– Faith
Oh, something I forgot to mention:
My step/adoptive-dad is a problem, too. I was fifteen when he entered the picture, and he had zero experience with girls, especially teenagers, and on top of that he has schizophrenia. We had a TON of very negative run-ins! Screaming at each other, him backing me into corners, threatening to kick me out because I was “back talking” my mother (he would walk into a situation and immediately take her side withouth having a clue what was going on, and more often that not this involved siding with her (blindly) when she was verbally beating me into the ground, and my “back talking” was me trying desperately to assert that I wasn’t worthless, and that she couldn’t talk to me like that). He didn’t call me names (which was unusual in my experience, unfortunately), but he never listened to what I was saying, and just jumped to conclusions – namely, that I was being “bad” and needed to be yelled at. He told me once (after I moved out, finally) that he got his parenting style from boot camp. Jeez 😦
Anyway, I have confronted him a couple of times about they way he related to me, and about his attitude toward me and my sisters. He has a very sexist attitude when it comes to girls – my brother went nuts and ran away (sort of resolved now, and he’s an adult now) when he was sixteen, and they (primarily “dad”) handled it extremely poorly; when I asked him how he planned to handle it when my sisters started doing the same thing as their older brother, he said they wouldn’t “because they were girls, and obeyed” him! 😡
So, the confronting thing…
His stance on how he treated me when I was at home is that he did the best he knew how and that if I got hurt all he could say was that at least I learned something from the experience. No “I’m sorry I screwed up” or anything – just, “glad you had the experience.” And he genuinely seems to think that it’s okay that he traumatized me repeatedly because “he didn’t know any better”!!!
For some reason, he’s worked out alright as a “dad” to my other siblings, all of whom are my full siblings by my father/abuser. They clash, but it seems to be more “normal” whateve that is.
For me, I don’t really like him much. It’s weird – when I see him (extremely rare – live in different states) we get along okay, but I think it’s more because I am good at focusing on the decent parts of a person, and he honestly doesn’t see any conflict between us (unless it is with bemusement at my “female emotions”). I think he really does love me, and considers me a daughter, even though I was only a minor in his home for three years. And part of me wants to be friendly with him, because part of me desperately wishes I had a dad. But the rest of me is disgusted with him, and wants to never see him again.
So, that’s part of my story from teh first comment. I don’t know what to do about any of this. I feel like I would be okay with my mom coming to see me in MY environment (I want no part of theirs) at some point, and I am okay with the idea of her being a grandma to my kids – with supervision. But I don’t feel that way about “dad”. I don’t want to hurt my mom, and for some reason I genuinely don’t wnat to hurt him either (I think he’s sexist and blind, but means well?), but I don’t like the idea of my kids calling him grandpa, or bouncing on his knee. I honestly don’t think he’d hurt them (and fyi, I don’t have any yet, so this is hypothetical), but it just doesn’t sit well. I don’t trust him, and I don’t want someone I don’t trust in my home or touching my kids!
But how do I cut him off without hurting/angering my mom, or my siblings (my sisters are fanatically loyal to him for some reason – I think, because they actually consider him their dad)??
Hi, Davina.
I agree with your therapist. I think you need a breather from your family so you can get some perspective. If your mother continues to be in a relationship with a man who is abusive to you, that tells me that she has NOT changed. I would attack someone who hurt my child and certainly would not stay married to him.
– Faith
Hi Faith,
Thank you for writing back *smiles* I am so messed up in the head, I have come to the conclusion that, while in contact with my family of origin (and those relatives) I am not going to be able to make good decisions for myself. I see my therapist in about a week, and I am planning to ask her to help me somehow with this. I am really struggling because for me, the seperation isn’t necessarily permenant (I do hope for some kind of positive relationship in the future with some of these people), but I know from hard experience that my family doesn’t do things by half measures – for them, any kind of seperation that I instigate will be seen as an all out rejection. I know that if they choose to burn the bridges behind me, there’s nothing I can do about it; it just hurts a lot.
Thank you, and God bless 🙂
Davina
For a long time after leaving home, I kept trying to foster a relationship with my parents. I would try and try and try, and the harder I would try, the worse our relationship would become. I thought it was my fault. Not until I started therapy (initially for anger and anxiety issues) did I finally acknowledge the abuse I went through as a child and teenager. Then I started pulling away from them. Now I wish I could totally break ties with them, but they have a good relationship with my daughter, and I don’t want her to have to give up her grandparents (they are totally different people with her than they were with me). Plus, they decided to move to our city – something that I am still coming to terms with. I moved away from them for a reason. I don’t want them around. It’s a struggle.
Hello-
I know I am responding late. But I can’t emphasis the importance of cutting off all contact from the abuser and the family. I got a restraining order against my mother back in 2006 after she literally spent three months stalking me after I told her I wouldn’t continue the relationship until she went into some therapy herself. I was always labeled the crazy one as a kid. They (when I say they I mean “the family”) had me in therapy at age 10. Now I see I was having normal reactions to essentially being repeatedly raped and repeatedly assaulted emotionally, verbally, physically and sexually. They (the family) put the blame on my absentee father and the idiot therapist believed them. Essentially “the family” used therapy to keep me in my place.
When the judge granted the restraining order I felt for the first time in my life protected. For the first time someone was on my side. That piece of paper was power. And with the power I felt a freedom of movement I never expected. Feeling really safe has been a gradual process. Also “the mother” since it has been a few years has made efforts to continue to contact me. I can’t file another restraining order in my new state until she actually shows up. Unfortunately the laws are inconsistent. But I’ve made other efforts to protect myself. For example, address changes. I kept wondering how “the mother” was getting my new address every time I moved. Apparently, if you forward your mail to a new address, anyone can send a letter to the post office to your old address, write forwarding addressing requested, and be sent your new address. I’ve moving again to a new home and will not be forwarding my mail. I am also working with my therapist to get an alternative address through a “Safe At Home” program. I am also going to legally change my name. There is a less public way to do this. I love the internet because it provides access to such things as this wonderful website. However, there are so many sites that buy and sell your information it’s ridiculous.
As I have taken these steps I am finally safe enough for new memories to come up and to fully experience the feelings associated with old memories.
But one of the benefits of total separation isn’t just the pain of healing. My creativity blossomed which resulted in me acknowledging my artistic abilities. I’ve gotten my MFA in creative writing, started working in the film industry (a dream I couldn’t have begun to acknowledge if I was still in a relationship with the mother) and have been accepted into one of the best screenwriting programs in the country.
I can actually acknowledge the reality of the situation of my past which helps me to acknowledge my present. Like I finally see that I have been suffering from chronic fatigue for decades. So, I am able to better take care of myself.
For years I tried to maintain contact and heal. It doesn’t work. I used all the therapy, all the yoga, meditation to just repress, repress, repress. It can not be done. The minds of survivors are trained to use almost anything to adapt and cope to the worse of the worse.
Thanks for letting me share.
Toni
I was so glad to read all the comments on here. I broke off contact with my father via email last week after coming to terms with his emotional and physical abuse of me, my mother, and my brother, and his sexual abuse of my sister that i found out had gone on for years, instead of the “one time” he admitted to touching her and said it was “not abuse.”
I laid down ground rules about future contact with his granddaughter (whom I do not comfortable him seeing unsupervised), and told him I wanted no contact with him in the near term. rather than accept my terms, he denied it completely and sent me and my sister letters telling us he and our stepmother were ceasing communication with us over the “accusations.”
we both marked them return to sender and sent them back. my heart was pounding as I put it back in the mailbox, and I’ve had very mixed feelings about it… but I know it was without a doubt the absolute right decision to make. I can’t believe I didn’t do it sooner.