This week, I am discussing my reaction to the following quote from Ayn Rand’s book, Atlas Shrugged:
Any refusal to recognize reality, for any reason whatever, has disastrous consequences. Atlas Shrugged, p. 418
The “disastrous consequences” for me often seem to be insomnia, frustration, unrest, anxiety, anger, and depression. Because I believe the distorted reality, I think that if I just put more energy into this path, I will push through the barriers and reach a place where everything is OK. The problem is that X is never going to lead to Y if X is actually Z. I am awakening to the realization that in just about every area of my life, I have bought into lie upon lie, which is why I continue to stay so frustrated in so many areas of my life.
The areas of my life that do not frustrate me are those that I have already worked through, the biggest being my child abuse history. I am not saying that I am “over” healing – that day will never come – but I know how to process each layer of healing as it arises. This process does not frustrate me. It wears me out sometimes, but I know that all of my hard work is leading me to a better place, so I do not typically get frustrated by it.
I am also no longer frustrated in my friendships. For many years, I struggled with being a friend to people who only saw me as an acquaintance. I would pour more and more energy into the friendship without receiving much back, which frustrated the h#$% out of me. As I have grown emotionally healthier, I have drawn healthier people to fill the friendship role. I am also better about observing my friends’ behavior and building my expectations based on their actions rather than their words.
These were two big areas of my life that used to frustrate the h#$% out of me but do not any longer, and I got from Point A to B by going through the painful work of removing my filters and facing reality. It was very hard in both situations, but the payoff was HUGE. Now I need to work through this process in other areas of my life, which is daunting.
I only know how to commit fully, whether it is to a person, a job, or a hobby. I am either “in” or “out.” I do nothing “half @$$.” (That is probably an aftereffect of the child abuse as well.) Either I care or I don’t, and if I care, I care enough to give it my best effort.
As I open my eyes to reality, I am going to have to figure out how not to be so “all or nothing.” The reality is that most people do not seem to be like me in this regard, and there is a place for putting in some effort (as with a relationship with an acquaintance versus a friend) so that my effort matches the other person (personal relationships) or entity (professional relationships).
Photo credit: Hekatekris