As I shared in my last post, many sexual abuse survivors rely on negative fantasies in order to achieve an orgasm during sex. These fantasies generally continue the dynamic of the sexual abuse. Some people reenact the abuse in their heads while having sex. Others fantasize about situations that create the same feelings of helplessness and being a victim, even if the scenario is not a reenactment. Regardless of how the fantasies play out, they are not healthy.
Many sexual abuse survivors despise their negative fantasies, but they also fear giving them up because, without them, they will have no ability to achieve an orgasm during sex. While letting go of negative fantasies is scary, it is a positive step toward healing from the sexual abuse.
My experience has been that I cannot take a negative experience and make it a positive one overnight. Instead, I have to stop investing negative energy into the experience and move toward a more neutral view. As the experience stops being so painful, I free myself to start building more positive associations with that experience.
This was my experience with sex after sexual abuse. No matter how many times church members told me that sex was a deep spiritual connection with my spouse, I could not make the “marriage bed” be anything other than a place where I continued to abuse myself through negative fantasies to please my husband during sex. I had to stop expecting sex to be anything other than a physical act. When I chose to reframe my view of sex in this manner, I stop pouring so much negative energy into the experience as each encounter fell so far off the mark of what sex was supposed to be.
I also chose to give up the negative fantasies, even if it meant that I never had an orgasm again. I found that I could not do it cold turkey, so I did it in stages. I flat refused to reenact any abuse in my head. However, I would use other fantasies that were gradually less and less unhealthy until I was able to achieve an orgasm without having to abuse myself in my head to do it.
This took a long time to accomplish, and I am still not completely healed in this area. However, my views on sex are gradually changing, and I no longer dread each encounter as I once did.
Good Resource for Healing from Sexual Abuse:
The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse (Revised Edition)
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
Those are the same steps I took, Faith, to eraticate negative habits associated with past sexual abuse and dissociation. The fantasies for orgasms is a tough thing to change, for sure.
I don’t know what happened to me when I was little or if anything happened at all. I’m pretty sure though. I found your blog from isurve.org. I’ve struggled with negative fantasies(seems a bit of an understatement) for a long time. I have a slight memory that maybe even goes back as far as 2(soon to be 31). It seems insane to me though. My memories are not cohesive or trustworthy until after 13. This blog mentioned that orgasms can make victims of sexual abuse feel empty afterwards(distgusting or worthless which I’ve dealt with too), but has anyone ever actually experienced physical pain? I see a gyn regularly(well when I can get the guts up to do it but its usually onces a year) and there is no reason for it but sometimes (though it has been a long time) the orgasm ends with fairly intense pain. This is more of an “am I alone out there question”. Thanks for opening the door on these topics. They are hard to talk about. ~Tawny (First time poster)
Welcome to my blog, Tawny!!
My orgasms (when I have them) do not end with pain. I would not be surprised to hear that other people have this, too. You could be experiencing a body memory/flashback that is triggered by orgasms.
I experience pain at penetration. It is like my body is fighting it. No matter how well I prepare myself ahead of time, as soon as we reach penetration, my body tenses up, and it hurts.
My memories were very choppy as well until around age 11. It was disturbing to recognize how few memories I had of my home life.
I am glad that you found isurvive and my blog. Isurvive was my lifeline throughout my therapy years.
Take care,
– Faith
I don’t know what might cause painful orgasms, though I do on occasion experience sharp pains when my clitoris is touched. Body memories seem a likely culprit.
Painful penetration can be caused by a disorder called vaginismus. It’s often caused by rape, and it’s just like Faith described–the body fighting penetration. The body remembers the pain of the attack and sends the muscles into spasms in an attempt to keep “foreign objects” out. Unfortunately, a lot of OB/GYNs are ignorant of this disorder, so it can take visits to several doctors to get diagnosed.
The good news is, there are physical therapists trained specifically to treat vaginismus. It counts as physical therapy so most insurances cover it, and it only takes 4-6 weeks. The treatment is not as scary as it sounds, either. You can Google the term to learn more about it.
Hi Faith, deanandme, midge and tawny,
Thanks for covering this topic. I dont think its possible for me to have an orgasm during normal sex. My focus is all on my husband during normal sex. it is very important to me that he has an orgasm. Faith’s description of being an object is exactly right. My body has done what Faith has described, where my husband was unable to penetrate, it was blocked, like I had a sudden growth there. it was very painful. It only happened once and I think it was the cigar smoke that triggered that response.
When my husband used to drink we would have rough sex, that I think normal women would find degrading. And it was. But to orgasm I have to use sex like I do cutting and burning. I use the negative fantasies with si sometimes when I am alone. and its disgusting and I hate myself. I am not sure how to change all this, perhaps in time allow myself to be in my own body while having sex and allow myself to feel him to feel being loved.
I have another question about a memory I have.
I am standing by a pool and I am in pain because I feel like I have to go poop, but it is trying to come out where I go pee. Is this possible?
I don’t know why this memory keeps presenting itself. This, and I have another body memory that keeps coming up, but with this body memory there is no visual, no other things like smell, sound, no before or after, no thoughts, fears. Nothing, just what the body is feeling.
Oh my goodness. You have no idea how much we appreciate this post, Faith. Thank you. I have felt so disgusted for so long by the fact that I can only orgasm if I have abuse / rape fantasies playing in my head. The most predictable orgasms for me were when I was in a very abusive relationship and the sex was degrading, humiliating, BDSM type sex. I thought maybe it was something to do with the sadistic nature of the sexual abusein my childhood ot that I was just plain sick/warped in my mind. My little one has the same issues – she unfortunately sometimes pops out during sex with my husband. Thank you so much for making me feel less like some sick-minded pervert. From G.
I thought somthing was wrong with me, I hate what I think in my head to have an orgasm or just to get turned on when I am with my husband. I am 35 and It has always been this way and I want it gone. I hate it so much it makes me feel dirty. I hate that I don’t know what “lovemaking feels like, it’s just always benn distorted , dirty ideas of women being subjected to have sex with a man, like she has to give herself to him like it or not. It’s always been this way I know nothing else. I thought this was normal like a fantasy, but one I don’t want anymore. How do I change and stop it. How do I get turned on without theses icky thoughts, fight and beat this? I was abused as a child. At least that helps make me feel not so ashamed.
I thought I had gotten better. For many years I struggled to overcome only being able to have an orgasm while thinking either about my abuse or things that were equally twisted and depraved. For months I successfully found myself enjoying other ideas for once and it was amazing and freeing.
Unfortunately, I woke up from a nap today and was over whelmed with inappropriate thoughts. I rationalized acting on fantasizing about it and now I’m filled with such an incredible feeling of guilt that I just wish I would die.
I’m 28, my father died 15 years ago. Lucky him. I never got to have closure because he died when I was 13 and I wasn’t anywhere close to coming to terms with what had happened. So I feel like I’m stuck with this burden. How do you get past it and lead a ‘normal’ life? I just don’t think it’s possible.
I’d like to thank each one of you though, because I feel less alone tonight, less like a freak, less disgusted with myself. It’s not fair that we all have to go through this and God knows it’s not like it’s something you can just bring up in casual conversation with your friends.
Maybe we should all keep in touch on here and have a support group.
Hi, Jane.
You are welcome to post here. Another option is to join http://www.isurvive.org, where you can get support pretty much 24/7. It is a message board for child abuse survivors. It was my lifeline when I was in the throes of the early stages of healing.
Take care,
– Faith
hey,peace to all of ya….i was sexually abused from several people in the same time and i have the hardest time to forget it and not feel disgusted from myself !!!i will never stop reenacting the abuse in my head! i hate my abusers ,i hope they will burn in hell and be ripped on small pieces ! i never had normal relations with my spouse ….i never enjoyed the marital bed if it’s not something violent and i should feel like the victim and he is the abuser! i feel nothing otherwise !is that normal….i couldn’t talk about the abuse for 10 years ….i never stopped having flashbacks inside my head …i hate some parts of my body that were abused,is that normal? i couldn’t talk to counselor ,i feel ashamed …
sorry technical mistake ,by the word spouse ,i meant husband,i just thinking in spanish sorry ,u know in spanish esposo is husband and esposa wife…i’m not sure in english but i meant i never had normal relations with my husband
Hi, Yazzia.
I am so sorry about your experience. Yes, what you are feeling is normal for a child abuse survivor.
I strongly urge you to talk with a qualified therapist about how you are feeling. You do not have to stay in this bad place.
Hang in there.
– Faith
So I found your blog today through a long series of clicks. I read this and your other entries about negative fantasies. I wanted to thank you for them because my negative fantasies are something I’ve felt I’m not allowed to talk about.
I am comfortable with sex, and I enjoy sex, but it is unbelievably hard for me to orgasm without negative fantasies. I can do it on my own, but if I’m in the moment with my partner, it’s a no-go. This is on top of the fact that I’m one of those women who isn’t really wired to orgasm easily.
The result is that my partners make me feel bad for being “broken” and not able to orgasm with them. They say they don’t want to have sex with someone who doesn’t enjoy it (which I do; I just don’t orgasm). If I tell other people who were abused or people who claim to be advocates, I feel like I’m a bad survivor. If I say out loud to people who have similar interests in BDSM and related stuff that just maybe, my interest comes from an unhealthy place, it’s unpopular to say the least.
So thank you for letting me know that I’m not the only one who deals with this.
Welcome to my blog, MoonlitDorian! :0)
As you can see by the comments, you are definitely not alone. All that you said is a normal aftereffect of child abuse.
I do not think there is such a thing as a “bad survivor.” You need to heal at your own pace. The fact that you are a survivor is a good thing, no matter how the aftereffects manifest in your life.
Take care,
– Faith
I do not know what to say. I have replied to something else here before that I related to. Negative fantasies to achieve sexual excitement \ orgasm has been with me a very long time. As a man when I was younger achieving an erection / orgasm was like the reaction when the doctor taps you knee with the rubber hammer and your leg kicks. No real thought or feeling needed. For me. As I get older I need to feel something to be capable of responding. I am csa survivor from age 12. The only thing that can push those buttons for me is to be the subject or humiliation and abuse. I have tried to feel something with more normal stimuli go go bars, watching my wife get dressed, normal porn but I can’t. It has left me asexual with my wife for years now. I just avoid her when I thing she my want to because I can’t react in the necessary way. I hate myself for what I have turned into. I am in therapy and on meds but I feel like I am irreparably broken and only am worth ridicule. I am glad to see this worked for you. lessening the negative fantasies. Gives me pause to think.
Wow. I thought I was the only one. I dont remember what happened to me as a kid, but I was caught drawing detailed anatomically correct bdsm comics featuring myself and my moms boyfriend (who I know for a fact raped my sister whos a year older than me) when I was 6. I know from the time I was 4 or 5 I had an insatiable hunger for sex, and knew about all kinds of degrading kinks even though I had 0 exposure to porn. In early elementary school I would proposition men and get angry and insulted when they got freaked out and turned me down. Even though I couldnt get enough orgasms, I felt dirty, worthless and ashamed after every one. Orgasms made me want to die (this went away about 5 years ago). I was so severely depressed, paranoid and ashamed of myself that I had to quit school at 14, and still dont have any friends. I began doing drugs at 10 and began sleeping around with teenage boys and men as old as 35 when I was 12. My arms are covered in scars from cutting and burning myself and my liver is shot from all the drugs and alcohol. I’m 22.
(Sorry to ramble so much, but this is the first time i’ve talked about this subject and it just kinda spilled out.)
I’ve been in a relationship for the last 4 years and have 3 beautiful kids. I’m happy. But. My boyfriend is young, sweet, gorgeous, and very good in bed, and no matter how hot the sex is I have to close my eyes and Imagine he’s a mean, ugly middle aged man abusing me in disgusting ways, or I cant get off. I need these fantasies to masturbate successfully, too. I did an internet search on this because my fantasies have to get more and more extreme and unpleasant in order to satisfy, and I end up , in the heat of the moment, feeling like I really want these things and having my bf act them out, then hating him for it later. Sometimes I can think/talk about/do things (anal sex, for example) in a positive way and I think I’m over my hangups, then the next day I’ll start thinking about it and become enraged, and obsess over how horrible it is for the rest of the day, even if I liked it at the time. The nightmares stopped about a year ago, but the sexual self-contradictions, hangups and rage issues are getting steadily worse and beginning to damage my relationship. I cant tell what i want from what i just think i want and will want to kill my boyfriend for doing to me the next day. Do i have PTSD or something? What can I do? So far Ive been engaging in loving sex with some bdsm and plenty of affection, which helps a little, but I still need my awful mental movies. I would like to be able to look at and fully enjoy my hot boyfriend and not fly off the handle at him for things that arent his fault.
Hi, Betty.
I am not a professional and cannot diagnose someone, but as a fellow child abuse survivor, I see numerous red flags for PTSD. I strongly recommend that you find a qualified therapist with experience in working with child abuse survivors. I would bring along your comic if you still have it. All that you describe is a normal aftereffect of severe and ongoing child abuse. You don’t have to live in this “hell” that you are living now. You can heal from them.
– Faith
sorry that comment was so long, but it felt good to get all that off my chest.
*** explicit sexual abuse triggers ***
Ok im a little scared about what people will think but here i go. I am i 13 year old male. when i was ten my mom got in trouble with the police so i had to stay with my aunt and my cousin. My cousin was 14. Well after a couple weeks of living there my aunt had to work nights she would be gone all night and work most days but when she had a day off she would sleep and close her door all day and i only had my cousin to play with. Well one night my cousin asked me “do you want to do somthin fun” so of course i said “yes” then she told me to pull down my pants witch i thought was sorta weird but i trusted her so i did then i continued on to the point i had no pants nor boxers on but after she saw, she said “now its my turn” then she stripped down as the same as me then she told me to touch her vagina and boobs then she touched me but i knew somthin wasnt right but we would fight alot and i thought this would help us get along so i would keep doing it then i started to like it so i would give her oral by licking her and well doing what she said felt good and she would do the same to me but she did what she wanted but then she got old of it so we started to have anal sex and she would somtimes put my penis inside her vagina and or rub it on her clit. but i would get sore after awhile i would tell her that and when i wouldnt she said she would tell because i started asking for it so after months went by it was two months after my 11th birthday she got some real boyfriends then i couldnt even look her in the eye anymore but the thing is i talked to a school counsler and that helped alittle with the pain i felt but i asked her not to tell my mom so she didnt but now i can feel the sensation still and i get urges, and i get pain in my penis but thats puberty i think so i started masterbating but somtimes ill stop in the middle of it because the memories will come back so ill stop is this normal? also ive started dating but i dont get sexual thoughts about her but about other people i find it weird but then i looke dit up and most websites said it was puberty so ya…=/
Hi, Kody.
I added a trigger warning to your comment so readers can choose whether to read it due to the explicit content. You did nothing “wrong” — This is just to protect readers from getting triggered.
I am aghast that your school counselor did not report the abuse. In my State, that is illegal. By law, the counselor **must** report the abuse to the authorities. Your cousin has very likely been sexually abused herself (14-year-old girls don’t do things like this when they haven’t been). She needs some serious counseling, and whoever hurt her needs to be arrested. (I am not minimizing what she did to you. She was your abuser — see my other blog entries on the topic of child-on-child abuse. From a legal standpoint, she is more likely to receive counseling than do jail time because of her age.)
Because of what you have been through, puberty is not going to be “normal” for you. Going through puberty triggers many emotions as you “get it” at a deeper level. When I went through puberty, I was suicidal.
I strongly recommend that you tell a trusted adult — a different school counselor, a teacher, or someone else. If you get therapy now, you can process what you have been through before it derails your life as has happened to many of my readers and myself.
– Faith
also the counsler was experienced and she had a i think a degree in sexual child abuse theirapy
Well when i ask somthin like sexual or somthin my mom kinda locks up so i think the counsler told my mom but didnt tell me:/ And when i was younger i would spend alot of time with me cousin and sister mostly both but im pretty sure she wasnt abused because she would have told me (before this happened we would tell everything to each other when we got along) Also im 13 i dont noo if i mentioned tat before but i am:) But i feel no pain anymore im not scared im not scard for life or anything trust me in not i feel normal but now i can barly remember it but now it like its made me weird or somthin i dont masterbate to my memories or anythin i masterbate like normal people do and i do go on steadyhealth.com and find new ways to masterbate so maybe some ways might keep the pain away in my **penis** longer. but like i was sayin i get urges like i want to feel that sensation again really bad to the point that i cant sleep or anything:( i feel not normal):
Hi, Kody.
I have been where you are, as have numerous readers on this blog. Not feeling the pain and barely remembering it is going to cause you a lot of pain later. Healing comes from remembering the abuse, feeling the emotions, and making peace with what happened. What you are doing is repressing it. Your feelings are going to come out much stronger when you are an adult (if not before), and the pain will be much worse.
The feeling of “not normal” is because you experienced abuse that is “not normal.” If you broke your arm, you would see a doctor and get it put in a cast, right? The abuse “broke” your spirit. A therapist can help you heal it. Please talk with a trusted adult and get some counseling for this. I know what I am talking about … I have lived it. I am trying to spare you years of deep pain and your choices being driven by something you are trying to forget.
You don’t know that you sister wasn’t abused. You didn’t tell her, either, right?
– Faith
Letting go of negative fantasies…
I just want to say that I don’t want to let go of my negative fantasies. That is like asking me to change my eye color. It is my deeply ingrained way of experiencing and achieving pleasure, not just an orgasm.
Everyone is at a different point on their journey of healing. As part of my journey I have a right to say what I think is healthy and what is not. We gauge that by what feels “good” to us, and only we ourselves know. I have not had any power or say in my life, and if I choose to hang on to my negative fantasies, then I will, because I’m at the point where I DO have a say about my body and what I want now.
I just want to say this because I reacted to this particular blog post with indignance. I felt guilty for NOT wanting to let go of the fantasies that give me the most pleasure, even though they ARE twisted projections of the abuse. I don’t feel guilty after orgasms. I get far too much pleasure from thinking about rape and punishment and force and all the things I had experienced as a child. I can’t imagine trying to go without this. If I don’t feel guilty after masturbating, is it really necessary for me to “give up” the fantasies?
THAT BEING SAID (and Faith, I think it is so incredibly wonderful and awesome you have this blog, I’m not trying to negate this blog), I also acknowledge that I do not know what lovemaking feels like and only mildly enjoy “normal” sex. I’ve had some really caring relationships and my boyfriend right now is great. Totally unable to have an orgasm with him though. All I want is the erotic darkness that I live with. All I want to think about is the abuser…I even enjoy the shame of it, the guilt of it is “enjoyable.” Sex without thinking about it is just mild…my boyfriend is a distraction almost. I THEREFORE ACKNOWLEDGE that it is indeed unhealthy and applaud anyone who wants to work on having loving sex, and getting the negative fantasies out of their mind. I acknowledge that my reaction may be akin to an alcoholic getting angry when someone tells them they should give up the booze to get healthy.
When I feel terror or pain or shame as linked to something sexual, it is an immediate erotic response, that is followed by the most delicious sexual pleasure. But I have not been in love with anyone or been in a truly intimate relationship. When I think about THAT, I experience a true shame that is NOT pleasurable. I think about what it would be like to have to be real and honest with someone about my sexuality and it fills me with non-erotic dread. And, I know I have not dealt with the rage and all the other stuff under the surface, so right now I want to hang on to the “addiction”….I guess until it interferes with my ability to love and be loved…do you know what I mean?
So I guess what I’m saying is don’t judge yourself if you don’t feel ready to let go of your orgasm-giving fantasies that involve the abuse. Since being abused is so confusing, the “bad” emotions feel good, but every so often they actually feel bad (when I became a prostitute because of this, I noticed sometimes that I truly was having some non-erotic terror, and that’s how I’m learning to distinguish the true meaning of pleasure). I know it’s confusing. I would have to say I’ve spent most of my life feeling totally confused and sexually provoked. I carried around a sexual energy that for a child, was just so overwhelming it was like having to constantly put out a fire, that never went out. Not healthy, like I said, and not excusable to the abuser!
I have major traumatic effects, but still I enjoy my fantasies and don’t beat myself up or feel guilty over them. So, I think you have to get to know, get to weigh, what pleasure really is. If you feel guilty and disgusting after having an orgasm from thoughts of the abuse, then that is not really pleasurable. Also, one last thing I want to throw out there: I don’t think there is a cookie-cutter “norm” to sexuality. I think we can only define healthy sexuality as what feels truly good to us, and even consenting adults who have not been abused experiment and go off the “normal” path. We as abuse victims need to be careful not to re-traumatize ourselves and perpetuate the destructive cycles that keep us truly victimized, BUT, I don’t feel that I want to disown my sexuality. It’s part of my identity. Feeling I “should” be more normal makes me feel guilty in itself. One day I will probably change my mind, but for now this is how I feel.
Hi, Jackie.
I think you did a wonderful job describing the complexity that we child abuse survivors deal with in relation to sex, and I do not require my readers to agree with anything that I write. :0)
Different people heal in different ways and at different paces. For one, abstaining from alcohol is absolutely necessary for healing while I use a glass of wine as one of my healthy tools in managing my anxiety (with full support from my MD). I talk about different things on my blog that work(ed) for me, and then other readers share their experiences. Whatever is moving you toward loving and accepting yourself is on the right path toward healing. :0)
I don’t have the sex thing figured out. I gave up my negative fantasies a long time ago, and sex is mostly neutral now. Before then, I would climax and then self injure. So, for me, neutral is a healthier place to be, but it is also dissatisfying, and I am not sure how to move past this place where I have been for a long time. It’s not at the top of my priority list, though, so that might account for why this has gone on for so long.
– Faith
Thank you, Faith. I have so much respect for you. This blog is fantastic. I can completely honor where you’re coming from. If the negative fantasies, followed by climax, equaled very unpleasant emotions and then self injury, it makes sense that you would stop the negative fantasies, even if it meant no orgasms, because that brought you to a healthier place.
What I really admire about you and your blog is the fact that we are all connected by our experiences of abuse, but there is also a wide range of what the abuse was and how it affected us. We therefore have a right to feel uniquely about our situation and to voice our feelings, even if it is different or opposite to what someone else felt.
You give us the room and respect to do that, and I thank you for that. Reading about others’ stories has caused me to feel a comraderie with them, because I soooo understand what it feels like!! I have never felt so connected to other survivors. I also find myself reading some posts, going hmmm…well I feel differently about that. So, your blog is an excellent place to feel at home and start to redefine who we are, and heal. I can tell by how I react to what others are saying, what is important to me, and what gives me pleasure. That is a gift, thank you.
Hi, Jackie.
Thank you for your kind words. :0)
– Faith
Thank you for posting this. I am really struggling with this issue right now. I’ve been in therapy for over a year (to deal with abuse-related issues), and it’s been incredibly helpful/freeing/confidence-boosting. I’ve changed my life as a result. However, this is one issue that I can’t seem to find the courage to discuss with my therapist. Talking about sex in anything but the most general terms is difficult for me. It’s as if I lose my ability to speak.
I know that I look like a very wholesome person… No-one would ever guess the sorts of things I fantasize about. In order to climax I basically have to think about what happened to me, or some variation on that. It’s the same punishment-oriented fantasies, again and again, sometimes involving my abuser and sometimes involving other people. Sometimes I make myself climax multiple times to the same visuals. It feels good and horrible at the same time. It feels like I’m punishing myself.
I started having these fantasies as a child, when the abuse occurred. At this point they are so ingrained in my mind and body that I wonder if I can ever let them go and have a satisfying sex life.
Hello! I’m so relieved to find this! I was sexually abused once as a very young girl and then by a fiancé I’m now 23 years old and have an awesome husband and a beautiful baby girl! But is there any tips at all to help me understand these negative fantasies and how to begin working past them? I would really appreciate it. Would be really nice to not feel so horrible after trying something new with my husband. Thank u!
Hi I wanted to ask something as i am having troubles years now with this…
I was abused 4 years ago when i was 17. It was my bf that sexually abused me twice and after him my next relationship was abusive as well. After that I met my bf and we are together the last 3 years.
He is really kind and I am madly in love with him, but since the first day i started trusting him I asked him to torture me during intercourse as Iit was extreemly hard to me to climax. Actually it was impossible, i couldnt even connect with him easily mentally.
So the last 3 years with we ve been having sex like this, but i decided to ask him to stop because i realized how wrong it was when i almost fainted a few times or it generated my rape experience from the past.
But after stoping this behaviour during intercourse i am not attracted to sex anymore, i have no fantasies, nor am i attracted to him.
I simply dont know what to do, as I know that i need more pain everytime to climax but when i stop the physical pain there is no sexual desire for me.
I ve been trying to change this habbit the last 6 months and he didnt do anything wrong to me all these days but i dont want him even to touch me anymore…thats how much it kills my desire…
and i know its not his fault..
PLEASE HELP ME… I VE BEEN LOST FOR A LONG TIME NOW…
THANK YOU 😦
Hi, N.
Multiple child abuse survivors have recommended the following book for this:
http://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Healing-Journey-Survivors-Revised/dp/0060959649/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1316597737&sr=1-2
Right now, sexual pleasure is intertwined with pain in your head. This book can help you reconnect with the pleasure allowing your body to feel pleasure in a non-sexual way. After you make this connection, you can then incorporate sex and pleasure without the pain.
– Faith
Hi when i was 16 my moms boyfriend molested me while i was in his bed. I was half a sleep when i realized what was going on and i was to scared and confused to stop it or move. When he got up to go to the bathroom i ran to my room grabbed my shoes and my phone and ran out the door. He then came after me. Acting like he didnt know what happend. I screamed and told him to get away from me and ran down the hill and hid. I called my uncle when i thought it was safe. When my mom found out she blamed me for being in his bed and told me it was my fault and went back to the house to be with him and was mad that i wouldnt come home. I didnt press charges cause i wanted to protect his kids. A couple years after i got raped by a man that i thought i could have a relationship with and then decided not to press charges again because i wanted to protect his family. Now i am 20 years old and i am in a very healthy relationship. But i feel like i am poisoned by my fantsies. I go on to sites and read many different incest stories where peopleare being abused or blackmailed i have no plans on acting on my fantisies but i want to stop being attracted to that kind of material. Whats wrong with me? And how can i put it in the past?
I am so very glad I found this site! After reading everyone’s comments, I finally feel like I might not be demented or sick.
I have no idea what happened in my childhood. I remember my mom’s physical abuse of us kids, and my dad’s disdain for women, but nothing sexual. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t completely aware of what was between my legs. And I frequently inflicted pain on myself down there by pinching/pins etc. I remember not wanting men to touch me at all… it gave me the creeps when my mom was busy and daddy had to zip my dress or help with my tights. In contrast, my younger sister (who didn’t talk for a long time) would climb in any man’s lap and cuddle into him, but always refused to look at them or talk to them. So there was something there, but no real memories.
I had the expected teenage problems, complete with self-starvation, burning, needles, anxiety disorder etc. Finally, in an attempt to escape the pain, I jumped into a bad relationship. To make a long story short, my new fiance had me trapped in a trailer with him, in the middle of nowhere, without a car or way to escape, in a completely different state. I had always wanted to save sex for marriage, but shortly after I ended up in the trailer he raped me, and continued to do so for months. During this time it is a wonder I wasn’t killed. At one point I broke his thumb by biting it, and at another I tried to attack him with a knife. I’ve had death threats, a knife to my throat, a gun to my head etc. Finally, I was able to end the relationship.
Now, 3 years later, I am married to a wonderful man who is supporting me through all of this pain. But I get soooo dissapointed that he doesn’t abuse me. Lovemaking with him is wonderful, and I am able to climax for the first time in my life, but it is like there is something missing sometimes. I crave violence. I need it so desperately! I fantasize often during sex about bdsm scenes. I masturbate forcefully and painfully. I frequently second guess myself for breaking up with the ‘ex from hell’, wishing he were here to rape me, humiliate me, again. I can’t seem to stop looking at bdsm scenes online… like I need to see the pain, the cruelty.
My husband and I often enjoy rough sex, but always in a respectful way, and the little pains and the force seem to help me release whatever is bottled up. But sometimes it doesn’t seem like enough. He would be shocked at the things I fantasize about him doing to me! But I know I would hate him for them.
I wonder if anyone else has dealt with the thing I am most guilt about? We are expecting our first baby, and I am so excited! I love my child already, and love the little kicks! I first want to say that I would never actually do anything to hurt this baby. But since before we conceived I have fought fantasies about abortion. The idea of being helpless at the doctor’s hands, as he inserts objects deep inside me, causing me to scream in pain, and tearing away something that is precious to me, crying as I know I will never get it back. Does anyone else fight with fantasies about abortion? Please know that I am not actually considering it, but the fantasies make me feel guilty, unfit to be a mother.
Hi,
My fantasies involve watching others being abused in some way. only very occasionally am I in my fantasies.What does this mean? I do not have any major memories of abuse but my dad was sexually inappropriate which I dont think (as strange as it sounds) was deliberate. i think his own boundaries were very fuzzy so he didn’t know what was inappropriate (or am I just making excuses for him?).
I am kind of addicted to these ‘pervy’ fantasies although try avoid masturbation so that I dont need to feel bad about myself. I was just curious about the fact that i’m very rarely in my fantasies and wondered if anyone else experiences this.I guess I’m trying to figure out if anything more than I remember happened to me as I have a history of self-harm of one type or another and do tend to blame myself before others.
Any response gratefully received! 🙂
Hi, Louise.
I am not a therapist and cannot diagnose you. As a child abuse survivor, I do see red flags for possible abuse. You will remember as you are ready to heal. :0)
~ Faith
Thanks for your response Faith. 🙂
hey thank you so much for putting this on I was sexually abused by my step father when I was 9 til the age of 14 .I am stil learning to let go of the past and understand it more. I had been in a relationship and sex with him was’nt enjoyable it wasn’t him it was my past I’ve never had an orgasm and I’m 32 I felt ashamed,disgusted at the thought of sex as well ,but now I am healing .I feel so grateful that I am able to speak about it now and not feel so ashamed.
Please help. When I was 16 my aunt told me that I was sexually abused when I was very young. I do not remember anything. Also, when I was slightly older, but still very young, I remember having to stay with family friends for whatever reason. A husband and a wife. One day the wife went somewhere and the husband made us lunch and we went out to their shed and climbed up a ladder to sit on a sort of second level of the shed or garage or whatever to have our lunch. I remember feeling very nervous and wondering why we were having lunch out there. That is all I remember. I don’t even remember eating the lunch. I just remember sitting Indian style and feeling the way I just described and that’s it. I have a strong feeling that he had I’ll intentions and that something happened that day but I do not remember what may have happened. Today, as an adult (I am 33), I have fantasies about being raped or even having sex with my uncle. I know in reality I would never have sex with my uncle. The thought of really doing it makes me feel dark and dirty. And I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t enjoy being really raped either. I do have a wonderful boyfriend whom I have told about my fantasy about being raped but have never told anyone about the other fantasy and have NEVER told anyone about being sexually abused.
So what about the people who do not remember being sexually abused? How does that affect their sex and orgasms? I don’t feel dirty when I am having sex with my boyfriend or ashamed about having an orgasm. I never feel like hurting myself afterwards, though I do like my boyfriend to be rough with me and sometimes a little pain. I do like older men. My ex husband is thirteen years my elder and my boyfriend is seventeen years my elder. Does this have anything to do with my past? Do my dirty fantasies that really help me achieve orgasm have anything to do with my past? Btw, I have never fantasized about my uncle while having sex with my boyfriend. Only while I’m masturbating.
Also, is there any way I can recall these memories? Any way I can remember exactly what happened that day in that shed?
Thanks for taking the time to read.
New poster, KB.
Hi, KB.
I did not remember most of my childhood abuse until my mid- to late-thirties. I just thought I had a lot of random stuff “wrong” with me.
Yes, you can remember as you are ready. If/when you choose to remember, working with a qualified, experienced therapist will be a good idea.
~ Faith
Wow! This blog is wonderful. I too was sexually abused by my grandfather. I lost my damn mind after I had my daughter. I did not want anyone touching her, bathing her, changing her diaper, wiping her, holding her or caring for her. I went through years of therapy and the one thing i cannot shake are these negative fantasies. I was not hurt during the abuse. He made it very pleasurable. It was not until i started having sexual relations of my own that pieces started coming back. Then, I felt awful because i wanted my grandfather to give me orgasms and even asked him to “tickle” me and give me an “explosion” as he would call my orgasm. I never remember doing anything to him. It seemed like I was the one always receiving. I do not remember oral sex, but I am willing to bet my life that is how he mostly abused me. I LOVE oral sex and ALWAYS think of him giving it to me and saying what a “good girl” I am. It is disgusting and I do not want it to happen, but it seems like it is the only way to relieve my sexual tension while having sex with my husband and while masturbating. This happens alllllll the time. I just had my 2nd baby and I am not exaggerating when I say that we have not had sex in almost a year. He does not find me attractive when I am pregnant and I am totally fine with it because it means I do not have to have these thoughts. But I cannot even touch myself without thinking of my grandfather. It is SOOOOOO gross. I have been through therapy and put on medicine and all is right. I do not blame myself, I understand that it should not have happened to me and I even disowned my own family for not being supportive. I have mostly healed and been at peace except for these fantasies. I feel like they will always be with me and it will never stop. It is like he still has control over my body and he has been dead for a long time!
Wow Faith, your post was in 2009, 3 years on we are still posting. Thank you for your blog, your support’s changing people’s lives.
Thank you for making the $&@$& up crowd feel more normal an not so alone.
🙂
We’re all here for the same reason i guess. I have been in therapy for 12 years now not just for the abuse suffered by a neighbor when i was 10 & 11 plus all other abusive relationships thereafter and of how to get my life back on track. I have come a long way, yet i know there are things that i have not quite touched down on. The negative fantasies – yep, i finally came clean with my therapist the other day- she knew some things, but not all of it. We discussed some of the bad thru the years but only now is it bothering me something fierce. I recently met a man who i’ve been dating for a few months now who is normal and not one bit abusive. He treats me like gold, is respectful, fun, and loving. But the sex life to me is boring. When i’m alone, i fantasize of being controlled and turned on by whoever or a past lover who forces me to do things that i normally would not want in my relationship. and i fear i am losing interest with him because the sex is not as exciting as it was when i was in those abusive relationships. I’ve copied a few links from above on the books and websites, but after reading much of what has been said, i fear i will be broken forever. It is so sad. All i’ve ever wanted was a man to love me for who i am and all that i’m about and now that i have found him, i am fearful of losing him due to the abuse of the past. Yet I don’t want to lose him, he’s the best thing that has happened to me and i know that if i am not with him, i will continue to seek those who are unhealthy for me and continue to abuse myself and be left with nothing and loneliness.
I just wanted to thank you and all others above for sharing your stories and your links.
I thought I was the only one. I am weeping.
I was never personally abused but when I was 9 i was woken by the sounds of my dad raping my mother. that night changed my life and when I began developing a sexual identity I couldn’t separate it from thoughts of rape, violence, pain, abuse. I couldn’t get off unless I was pretending to rape or being raped. Now 20 years later I am married to an amazing man and I have found myself incapable of having a truly intimate sexual relationship. The only satisfying sexual relationships I had in the past were ones based on being degraded. Once I finally got over the shame of having rape fantasies, I began to explore those with boyfriends and that was ok. But I don’t WANT that anymore. Those against the backdrop of a loving marriage just throw into stark relief how disgusting it all is, and it no longer even turns me on, it just makes me feel sad and depressed. I want what other people talk about, a sexual life that is beautiful and sacred and meaningful. I don’t even know where to begin and I feel like I am just the only person like me in the world. I wasn’t abused myself but I somehow ended up with all the same issues as you guys have.
I was raped twice with in two years of each other. One was by a friend of mine and the other was a boy friend. This happen in my early 20’s and now in the 30’s I have many problems with sex. Its not that I dont wont sex with my husband because I do. But it becomes very trying during sex I feel like guilty. , and the closer get to having and Orgas. The more I am trun ed off I will push him off right away and I can never follow though with my oras. I know this has up set him and I try so hard to go with it and the last thing i wont him to think is that he dosent make me happy in his love making. It kills me to live like this wonting sex and when having it so sad. It makes me feal worthless and a disapointment. I love my hubby more then anything and I now he feals the same but I am sure this is just as hard on him as it is on me.
Hello All,
I have had such a miracle happen for me today. I am an insect survivor. I’ve had some therapy around my abuse but I have never been able to open up regarding my fantasies. They are so disturbing and it’s gotten so bad that I despise sex with my boyfriend.
I was at an ACA focus Al-Anon meeting today where I mentioned my incestial abuse as a child. Another member approached me after the meeting and asked me if I too have these horrid fantasies and for the first time I admitted to it! It triggered me to find this blog that i am so grateful for!! This is my second time admitting that I can not orgasm without fantasizing about my abuse or something just as twisted or worse.
I am not angry with my abuser and I have found peace and positivity from my experience but I’m starting to see that while forgiveness is a huge key to miving on, it takes a lot more than just forgiveness to get past such trauma.
Thank you all for having to strength to share!
Dmann
Hello,
I simply want to first commend you for this blog, it doesn’t take long to notice just how helpful this forum has been for so many. I’m approaching this subject from a completely different perspective. I am the husband of a woman I have been married to for almost 20 years. As long as we’ve been married sex has been an ongoing issue.(until about 7 yrs ago…things just suddenly started to improve) Not only has sex been an issue, there’s always been a certain disconnect between us in terms of her sharing any real emotional intimacy. And then, after 17 LONG yrs, 3 years ago after a major blow up and me demanding to know WTF is going on with you, she tells me about all sorts of promiscuous behavior she engaged in at the age of 14. From that moment, I’ve started slowly putting things together. The encounters at 14, her expressing how she feels dirty and worthless with no real explination, The constant burns on her arms that were brushed off as her being clumsy around the stove or iron.(men are so stupid), Her closing her eyes all the time during sex (which makes since when I’m reading everyone on this blog has to imagine acts far more degrading) 1 year ago she even opened up about paraphilic acts she had participated in and have now introduced into our own relationship.
I could go on and on but after doing more research on how childhood abuse affect adult relationships, I think she checked off 15 out of 16 tell tale signs… (for what ever reason she’s still holding on to the lie about the stove and/or iron). According to what I’ve read I understand that secrecy is a way of life but it’s killing me that she won’t make that final step in telling me what happened to her. It has and is still affecting our relationship despite me letting her know I’ll love her regardless. As I mentioned earlier we’ve implemented some pretty wild things into our sex life since she confided in me but that’s about it.(I even get upset about that because the way I see things is we could’ve been enjoying all this degrading, nasty, sex 20 years ago. I was all in some time ago, so to treat me like a pariah for all those years doesn’t feel good at all) and after reading entry after entry I’m not too excited about her still closing her eyes while imagining someone or something else while we violently go at it.
With everything we’re now involved in and all the pieces coming together, I honestly think her father has something to do with all of this (directly or indirectly) because he was Terrible as she had to live with him for a few years (12 to 14) by herself. Unfortunately she won’t admit it and quite frankly I’m tired of being on the outside looking in. If I haven’t proven myself in twenty years, I guess I never will and that hurts. So in conclusion ladies, if you’ve got someone who is unquestionably there for you, please give your guy a chance to prove he’s the man you always knew him to be. And if you want to be violently f#@*ed, chances are he’ll be more than willing to accommodate you. Even if he’s not a sadist per se, if he truly enjoys pleasing you, I’m willing to bet he’ll take great pleasure in sending you to work with a pillow because you cant sit down.