I am reading Jodi Picoult’s book, The Tenth Circle, for my book club. I did not know that this was a book about teen rape when we decided to read this book. If I had, I would have voted to read another book this month. I am slammed with my new job and won’t come up for air until June 2, so this is not the best timing for reading a book about rape.
Nevertheless, I am reading it while I work out at the gym in the early mornings, and I am enjoying it despite its serious content. The book delves into the many facets of teen rape. You have a 14-year-old girl who was dating a 17-year-old boy with her parents’ consent (which I, personally, cannot imagine supporting as a parent). He broke up with her. This was her first crush, and she is having a hard time getting over him, so she follows her best friend’s stupid advice to make him jealous by engaging in dangerous behaviors.
In a nutshell, the 14-year-old girl attends a sex party at her friend’s house (where the ex-boyfriend is invited). They are playing the “Rainbow Game” – a game I had never heard of but will now be preventing my son from going to any unsupervised parties!! – where each girl wears a different colored lipstick and performs oral sex on different boys. The boy sporting the most colors on his “rainbow” wins the game. Yuck!
Anyhow, the girl participates in the “game” one time and then throws up. After everyone else leaves, it is just her, the 14-year-old friend, the ex-boyfriend, and another 17-year-old boy. The girl is wearing a sheer shirt, low-rise jeans with no underwear, and plays strip poker with the boys. The other couple goes upstairs. One thing leads to another. The girl just wants to kiss and make out (“second base”) with her ex-boyfriend. He interprets all of the above as consent to sex and rapes her. The rest of the book (or at least as far as I have read) explores the many facets of this scenario – sadly one that happens frequently at teen parties and on college campuses.
The 14-year-old girl never said yes to sex and was a virgin. Her reaction to the sexual contact is the same as other rape victims – deep shame, feeling dirty, dressing in baggy clothing, insomnia, etc. There is no question that her reaction is of one a rape victim.
The 17-year-old boy was at a sex party where all of the girls (including the 14-year-old girl) were providing all of the boys with oral sex. She was in a sheer blouse with no underwear, kissing him, and taking off her bra for him. Both had also been drinking. From his perspective, all was consensual. His reaction is dumbfounded.
How can the same act be absolutely devastating to one party and viewed as completely consensual by the other? I was in a similar situation with an ex-boyfriend in college (minus the sex party – we were alone in his dorm room talking about whether we could work things out). He took things farther than I wanted. I dissociated. He performed intercourse on my body – something I did not want, did not ask for, and had repeatedly told him that I was not ready for because I believed I was a virgin. He saw it as consensual. I gained 30 lbs and experienced numerous trauma aftereffects. I was terrified of him and was never alone with him again. He expressed befuddlement at my “rejection” since we had finally “consummated” our relationship.
How can the same act between the two parties involved be so different? How could he truly believe that sex was consensual when her reaction was with trauma?
Photo credit: Amazon.com
Blooming Lotus 
I think it’s because we as a society still haven’t defined consent as a positive, rather than a lack of a negative. Kids in school (adolescents, that is) need to be taught that it’s not enough to not hear a “no”, you have to hear a “yes”. Someone who is not confident enough to say yes or who wants to mess around or thinks a partner should magically “know” whether they want it or not would soon learn that if you don’t say yes, you don’t get.
Also behaviours like manipulating others into sex and lying to get sex (both applicable to both genders, of course) need to be denormalised.
I’m stunned by how clueless some people, like the boys mentioned in this post, are about consent. It’s like not bothering to take a driving test before getting in a car and careering down a highway at 80mph. It’s all very well learning as you do something, but when that something can destroy lives if it goes wrong, that approach (finel for carpentry or playing the piano) is just not acceptable.
That brings me onto another bugbear of mine; the idea that you cannot know anything about sex until you’ve done it at least once. Totally inaccurate, often very damaging in itself and it precludes discussion of subjects like the above. It denies the “inexperienced” the social agency to make their own decisions.
There shouldn’t be an “l” on the end of “fine”, 3rd para., apologies.
Oh and I don’t envy you having this thrown at you on top of everything else, Faith, I hate it when that happens. I’m really glad it’s proving fairly positive for you.
I have never heard the concept of needing a yes to be consensual expressed.
I have always used that in my sexual relationships. Just because it works. Once the relationship is established it naturally evolves into something else.
The psychopath will have no problem with ambiguity with respect to consent. That coupled with a rape is reported often to a psychopath makes the odds of a rape being successful prosecuted difficult.
>>How can the same act between the two parties involved be so different? How could he truly believe that sex was consensual when her reaction was with trauma?
I think it is helpful to look at it this way and accept that there are two different views both parties believing they are correct. I would have thought that a rapist knew they were wrong.
Well, there is a whole lot about this subject that is open for interpretation. I think that the question of how could a teen boy not know he was raping someone… well… there are many reasons why this could be. Perhaps he dissociates due to his own issues or what he is taught or has been conditioned to think… It may be that if the person(victim) didn’t actually say no, but is just sort of stiff and quiet, that to someone who doesn’t know better, they may just perceive that as first time jitters depending on their own experience.
It’s just sad because I think there are misunderstandings on both sides… I’m not excusing anyone for rape. I’m saying I can see how it could happen. Especially at a “rainbow” party or any other kind of sex party.
Unfortunately nature draws us to explore sex, but until we are old enough to really think through the ramifications of exploring it, the safest thing to do is just not engage in situations where sex is expected.
I was reading similar content in my sexuality class (social work class) this week. It was interesting how in these cases the girl’s view/interpretation and the boy’s can be so different. I suppose that sometimes it can be a total mix-match in interpretation with teens, especially considering teens are navigating new territory in their lives. This just goes to show that there needs to be more education on the topic of sex, sexual relations, etc with teens (my opinion).
I had a date rape experience at 14. I also was sexually abused by a boyfriend continuously in a relationship from age 16-21. Reading this did spark me to think of what the boy’s thoughts/interpretations might have been. With regards to the long-term relationship, it was pure abuse. It went on and on and involved other factors of entrapment,isolation, dependence, control,etc so that was clearly just strictly abuse and selfishness. As for the date rape, I can see how the guy could have misinterpreted things to a point. However, I DID say no repeatedly. In my mind, no is no, and that is the “standard” these days. But back in the ’80s guys still thought girls were being coy, playing hard to get, etc. According to my textbook and the results of surveys and studies listed, these myths still are evident in the minds of boys (not all obviously) but enough. Again, education is much needed for both teen boys and teen girls.
Lothlorien
I think the standard for consent should not just a lack of a “no”, or even that you need a “yes”. Because that yes could be given under duress, or while drunk, or underage, unknowing of what you’re saying or agreeing to.
I like the standard for consent being expressed as that you need “enthusiastic informed participation” by both partners.
WDYT?
Hi, Athena.
I agree. As a mother of a son, I want to help him avoid being in this position. I am going to drill into him that he should NEVER have intercourse until after the two of them have talked about it ahead of time (with their clothes on and not “making out”) and agree that they are both ready for sexual intercourse. If she is not ready when they are not “in the moment,” then she is not ready.
– Faith
My reference to “yes” in my above comment is figurative as much as anything. The point is that consent is a positive rather than neutral position. I think “enthusiastic informed participation” is a great expression. I also agree about discussion ahead of time. I have nothing at all against casual sex, especially speaking as someone with fewer problems with sex than with relationships, but it’s such a minefield, so easy to get into trouble in one way or another, that most of the time it’s just not worth it. Far better to be safe, always.
Hi,
I stumbled upon this blog and was interested to read this post because I’ve read the book and enjoyed it. However unfortunately there are a couple of inaccuracies in your post which greatly change the context of events:
1. She was not a virgin. She had slept with her boyfriend on numerous occasions, but when they asked her if she was at the hospital, she was in front of her father and was worried what he / the doctor would think if she told the truth.
2. She didn’t tell the boy ‘No’. Indeed, she didn’t say anything to him at all. A running memory through the book for her is him saying to her, ‘don’t tell me you don’t want this’ and the climax of the book is her revealing that because he said that, she didn’t. She didn’t communicate to him in any way (vocally or physically) that she wasn’t consensual.
It’s these things that make the book so interesting, because it’s not in any way black or white.
Hi, Sophia.
The inaccuracies are because I am still early into the book. :0)
I think I am only about 100 pp in, and I wrote this before I had gotten that far. I just read where the boyfriend said they had been sexually active and assumed he was lying. It sounds like there are many more complexities to come!
I want to wait until I finish the book to definitely weigh in, but at this point (and doubly so with the information you added), I see Trixie as having been traumatized, but I don’t see the boyfriend’s actions as “rape.” I would recommend that the boyfriend get some counseling about making sure a girl says yes first (no comment does NOT equal yes), but I don’t think he is a menace to society that needs to be locked up.
I’ll keep reading!
– Faith
[…] Comments « Many Facets of Teen Rape […]
>>How can the same act between the two parties involved be so different? “<<
to me this is simple: perceptions. the boy saw what had gone before as an open door for more.
the girl didn't.
thus the rape.
and "no" means "no" no matter how it's said. Dissociation instead of saying "no" means acceptance of (boy's point of view). The fact she was dead to him should have told him (dumb teenage mistake). The fact she was dressing provocatively and had engaged in oral sex? More 'come on' in the boy's mind.
Sad that it happened. Teens need better education (and respect) towards one another – boys and girls.
Odd thing is: my wife, 12 years old, with a 21 year old man. To this day she is fine with it. Says she was just 'mature' for her age. (shrug). Go figure.
It's all a matter of perception; how you perceive. (I see her as being raped; she sees it as having made love.)
Weird news, huh? Weird life I've been living for a long long time.
Peace & hugs all round. Know this one (the post, my msg.) might be hard to take by some. But truth? Truth is truth is truth I say. No matter how you want to take it. (perceptions again; and my own.)
Thank you very much. Time to run before the rocks and bottles start flying (as they have before when I say something I've been seeing.)
I feel like the scenarios described in this book ring of kids who may have been sexually abused as younger children. Whereby being an offender and a victim has been learned and reenforced by previous encounters.
My teen rape experiences as a 15-year-old “in love” with a 25 year-old man were mostly about my inability to set boundaries and see my worth due to many years of incest. I perceived my value as being sexual and I had no clear differentiation between love and sex. Of course, this made me vulnerable to be offended as a teenager many times over.
Parents allowing a relationship between a 14 and 17 year old (realizing that sex will be in the picture and one child is nearly an adult) also sounds like a home filled with denial, poor boundaries, and a haven for former abuse.
I have a 14 year-old son and an 11 year-old daughter who have been reared in an environment of love, protection, and a firm value for respecting themselves and everyone around them. I am not going to be so stupid as to say this could never happen to them (and we have prevention discussions), but the likelihood of a child in a healthy family engaging in these behaviors would be far less.
(First of all, I think that some people did research on trying to find out if anyone has ever DONE a rainbow party…and no one had. So I don’t think you have to worry too much about an actual rainbow party being conducted.)
I think it’s difficult when there’s alcohol involved and other lines have been crossed sometimes for the other person to understand that yes, your partner consented to ONE act, but not to ALL acts. People don’t seem to get that you can say yes to oral, for instance, but that doesn’t mean you want full-blown sex. And I do think it links back to how consent should mean an enthusiastic YES, not just the lack of a no. If they didn’t say yes, then I don’t see how that’s true consent, particularly at a party where people were drinking. There’s a reason it’s considered that you can’t consent when you’re drunk.
Hello Faith,
I am posting for the first time ever on a blog, I just wanted to share my story and I don’t really know where to post it.
First of all, let me say that I admire you so much. Thank you for sharing your experience with the world.
My family is the most normal, loving, healthy thing in the world except for my now dead grandfather. When I was about 9 or 10 (I can’t remember what age I was exactly) I was in the second floor of our family pharmacy with him. the second floor was about the same size as a studio apartment, it was just an empty space with some medicine boxes, a bed to sleep, a table with an old black typewriter and with only one small red window which was too high for me so I always had to bring over a chain to be able to look down.
I remember that I wanted to play with the typewriter and so I asked my grandfather to let me play with it. He said yes and he sat on the chair and told me to sit on his lap so I could play with the typewriter. When I sat on his lap he started fondling my vagina and I remember looking down to see what he was doing. I was so confused as to what was happening, I remember feeling something was wrong about this situation but I just didn’t know how to react because I didn’t feel threatened by him. I didn’t know how to make the situation stop, I felt so confused. I don’t remember clearly if I got down or he put me down from his lap but I remember he walked over to the window and he wanted me to take a look outside. I figured that he wanted to keep touching me because he kept insisting on me looking thru the window (he had to raise me with his arms so I would be able to look thru the window) but somehow I thought that if someone else was present with us he wouldn’t dare to touch me anymore so I started to call my brother’s name (he was 6 or 7 at that time), I remember calling him in a way that sounded like I wanted to come play with me so my grandfather wouldn’t suspect I didn’t want to be touched by him. I don’t remember if my brother came or not but I remember to have avoided my grandfather’s advances.
I never forgot about that experience.
To this day my family doesn’t know anything about this incident. Actually, only two people in my life knows what I am sharing today mainly because I don’t want to break my family apart by telling this to my parents. Specially my dad because he loved his father so much, everyone loved him. I’m guessing it was the first time he tried to touch a child because he could have easily told me or made me keep my mouth shut but he never tried to silence me or anything, after that he behaved as if nothing have ever happened (and I behaved that way too).
I firmly believe that if I wouldn’t have started to call out for my brother he would have taken me in his arms to raise me so I could “look thru the window” while he penetrated me with his fingers.
My grandfather died a few years ago of a certain lung disease, hopefully is was fucking painful, I like to imagine him trying to breath while his lungs couldn’t move. I hate the man. I’m sorry I never had the opportunity to confront him on his deathbed, I would have liked to say to him something along the lines of “you mother fucking son of a bitch, you think I forgot what you did to me? I hope your die a horrible death and rot in hell”.
I remember seeing him so thin, fragile, barely able to move and feeling good about it, he got what he deserved.
[…] touched upon this topic is the blog entry Many Facets of Teen Rape, where I discussed Jodi Picoult’s book, The Tenth Circle. I wrote that blog entry while I was […]