On my blog entry entitled Recovering from Childhood Animal Rape, a reader asked the following questions:
I know that discovering what was done to us by our parents when my inside started to reveal stuff etc..with the use of animals knocked us clearly off our healing journey. We felt even more disgusted with ourself and could not get our head round this, we are still recovering many memories of all types of abuse. but the AR recalls always floors us for a long time … I suppose what i am trying to say is how did you get through your memories of the animal rape. Does it still hit you smack in the face or am I just feeling sorrow fro myself and looking for an excuse to feel this way when we recover these memories. To be honest we are more determined to heal than we are to breath at times. I suppose we may push ourself to hard for quick healing. Not sure just wondering to be honest ~ anon
I think the hardest areas of healing are those in which we attach the most shame. For my sister, the animal rape has been the most difficult form of abuse to heal. For me, it was the vaginal rapes. This is because we each felt more shame with our respective areas of abuse.
Don’t get me wrong – the animal rape memories definitely rocked me. In fact, when I experienced my first flashback of the animal rape (while talking on the phone with my sister, who accidentally triggered the memory), I experienced an emotional freefall that I wasn’t sure I would survive. I went into the chat room at Isurvive, and, thankfully, a moderator was there who knew me well. She knew how to talk me down and got me through the night.
I have one friend who knows all, and I would share each memory as it came. I had a very difficult time looking her in the eye after recovering the animal rape memory and even questioned whether there were some forms of abuse that made me subhuman. Fortunately, I had already begun working through my feelings about the vaginal rapes, so I was able to draw from what I had already learned about healing and recognize, once and for all, that nothing that another person does to me has the power to devalue me.
I suspect that is where you are stuck because that was a biggie for me, too. You are a priceless diamond that your abusers buried under a huge pile of manure. Your abusers held a mirror up to you, showed you the manure, and told you that was who you are. However, no amount of manure has the power to devalue the diamond underneath. A diamond is still a diamond and still of immense value whether it is buried under manure or cleaned off and polished. The healing process is how you “unbury” the diamond and polish it.
Today, it does not hurt to talk about the memories. I can even see the breed of dog that was used without getting triggered most of the time. As with all areas of abuse, you can heal from this. You need to recognize that no form of abuse has the power to devalue you. Once you understand that at a heart level, the shame will lose its power over you.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Hi Faith
Thank you for your encouragement and truth and yes I suppose what you say is right. SHAME in big loud screams.
I am dealing with so many others memories of abuse. I at times wonder if we are freak, animal or human.
The shame is very heavy but we will press through and on. Thank you Faith for your pearls of wisdom. We will write again later if okay. Please take it easy.
anon
Anon,
I don’t know what to say exactly, because nothing seems good or right enough to tell you how much I admire your strength and courage.
Another of the reasons why things like this are so hard to face is because children create the models of who they are and how they fit in the world by how they are treated. You were treated horribly, hurt and betrayed with no other frame of reference…so it’s natural you would feel horribly about yourself. As adults we can change this, and Faith is living proof of that! That is the good news.
Hang in there. All of you are worth the fight.
Safe hug,
mia
Dear Mia
Thank you very much for your encouraging word, honesty and we are so convinced that we are such and such. We are so grateful for your input as we are Faiths
Her honesty and straight talk has been a tremendous encouragement to me over the past two years.
We wonder how much she actually realises that her blog and fear of not talking about anything has been a big influence in so many peoples lives.
As Faith states there is a diamond there no matter what dung is put over it and we are going to hold onto that saying as we push further through to heal and integrate
Thank you again Mia and thank you Faith
anon
Thanks, Anon & Mia.
It helps to hear that my blog helps others. I do hear this a lot, and yet it is easy to “forget” the good stuff, know what I mean?
– Faith
For me the animal rape was terrifying in a way that other things were not.
There is the reality of acceptance. I consider it the far end on the spectrum. Look at literature. The hero might be a victim of many things. Animal rape is not one of them that I know of.
I have only told my therapist about the animal rape. I will discuss much of the other trauma. I do not think many people could be with me in the same way if I told them about the animals.
It is primal not to be with animals this way. It is a very effective way to horrify.
It was very helpful when I first read the term animal rape on Ivory blog. I thought of it as sex with animals. It is not.
Animals were also used to attack. This is very hard for me to deal with and effects me spending time in the woods.
Hi, MFF.
I agree that many people cannot handle hearing about animal rape. Nevertheless, I have told a handful of very close friends, and it did not change our relationships except to make them deeper. All of them treated me with deep compassion and said that nothing that anyone did to me could change who I am in their eyes. I really needed to hear that.
– Faith
Hi Faith,
I really identify with the note that each individual will identify different issues in abuse situations as the most traumatizing. It is the thoughts, beliefs, shame that we attach to them… my therapist also says that in many situations its the thoughts, beliefs, shame that the abusers identify with them. As someone with multiple perps, I see that as well.
I was also wondering if you have ever blogged about you and your sister’s relationship. As someone with younger siblings who grew up in an atmosphere of secrets, silence, and shame I am having a very difficult time trying to figure out how to connect with my siblings as adults when we are all at different stages of healing or denial.
Thank you for your dedication to sharing your journey. It’s a great help for me.
[…] after abuse, relationship with sister after abuse, siblings after abuse On my blog entry entitled Animal Rape: Why Is It So Hard to Heal?, a reader posted the following comment: I was also wondering if you have ever blogged about you and […]
Hi,
I am currently coming to terms to with subject in my own history. I am still confused how to label my abuse.
My dad had the dog perform oral sex on me. Is that still “animal rape”?
Hi, Sparrow.
Yes, I would label that as animal rape. If you are more comfortable with animal sexual abuse or animal sexual assault, those labels would fit as well.
I am sorry that you know the pain of this form of abuse.
– Faith
Faith,
I’m havng trouble dealing with a different aspect of animal sexual abuse. I was molested and raped when I was 13 (didn’t involve animals). However, later I acted out by having a dog perform oral sex on me. I feel even more shame because it was me and not my abuser even though it was a result of being abused. How do I get over my guilt and shame?
Hi, Still Ashamed.
It is completely understandable for a child abuse survivor to try to make sense of the abuse. I think you need to forgive yourself and let go of the guilt and shame.
You might benefit from reading the following blog entry:
I know that you are not talking about abusing another child, but I think the advice about forgiving yourself applies.
– Faith
Thanks.
i just found this, willany one see if i wryte here? im scared to tell the dr abt the dogs . he will think i am gross and hes my only frend
Hi, Lu.
Yes, I read all comments posted on this blog. This blog entry receives a lot of traffic, so others will see it, too. Nobody knows who you are, though, so you are safe. :0)
My animal rape/sexual abuse was also with dogs. If your therapist has been supportive up until now, this isn’t going to change that. I feared my friends’ reactions to this information about me, and both were incredibly supportive. They both said that nothing that anyone ever did to me can change the value of who I am. The abusers are the sick ones, not me.
– Faith
i have dreams aboyt it and it fells the same
dirtyy
Hi, Lu.
The dreams could also be flashbacks. I understand feeling dirty because I once felt that way. I had to hold on with both hands to what I had grown to believe about all of the other abuses — they did not have the power to take away my value. Once I equated the animal rape/sexual abuse with the other types of abuse, I was able to push past the shame.
– Faith
I was afraid to tell my therapist too. I couldn’t say it outloud even in a room by myself let alone to someone else. I wrote it down and let her read it. That was much easier for me. She didn’t think I was gross and praised me for being brave enough to let her know. It strengthened our bond because I feel that I really CAN tell her anything!
Thank you. This blog is a miracle. A little (11) alter said something here that I have never said out loud, and I see that she was treated with love and respect. I never knew it happened to so many people. It has really been bothering me lately for some reason. I can’t get it out of my head, and my body is betraying me yet again by feeling things. I know I should tell the therapist (i think he already knows anyway), but I’m so scared of how it might feel afterwards. I have parts that are abusive sexually (body and mind). Makes me want to die. I don’t want to feel like that.
Hi, Lu.
After you tell and are met with compassion and kindness, you will feel relieved.
What you are feeling in your body is body memories. I had them, too, when I had the flashbacks. If you will allow your body to release them, they will stop.
I strongly encourage you to talk with your therapist about it. You will be amazed how much better you feel with a therapist’s support.
– Faith
Thank you…feeling better.
You are helping a lot of people here.
L
The past 24-hours have been horrific; reliving the ARs in flashbacks and body memories. My own puppy jumped on my lap by surprise and I started dry-heaving. Until finding this blog, I thought I was either crazy or bound for hell because of how disgusting I was because of what happened. At 3 this morning I told my therapist through tears and pauses to vomit. Reading your blog has given me some peace, a calm that it wasn’t my fault, and a hope that I will heal from this as I have my other memories. Thank you.
Hi, Rachel.
You can heal from this. If I can, then you can, too. It was NOT your fault, and anyone who tells you that you are going to hell for abuse perpetrated on you is ignorant. Why would you be punished for being hurt? You did not choose the abuse.
– Faith
Until my husband told me about this site, I felt like no one would ever believe me, that I was the only one out there that this horrific stuff happened too…today I feel like I was given a gift…the gift of knowing that I am not alone..and for those of you who know what I’m talking about..thats worth more than anything to me right now….thank you for sharing!
Amijo
Hi, Faith,
I’ve never ever told anyone about my history with animal abuse but then again it didn’t happen very long ago. I was 9 when it happened (I’m now 16), and it was my baby sitter who brought his dog round every so often. I fear that if I did tell my mother then she’d blame herself for even letting the baby sitter in our house and she’s already on antidepressants. The abuse only happened once, but it was still horrible. He pinned me down and made the dog perform oral sex on me and held a cushion over my face to stop me from screaming. It went on for about 10 minutes but felt like a complete eternity. I managed to wriggle an arm free and scratch him down the face leaving quite deep cuts down his left cheek and I think that’s the reason he never came back because he didn’t want to be questioned on his appearance. Throughout my childhood I always wanted to be a vet but ever since then I just can’t deal with seeing dogs and it’s difficult enough at home as I have my pug – Moby. I don’t love him any less, but probably more, I’m just feel so ashamed and filthy for what happened. Thank you for being so supportive on this site everyone and thank you for sharing your story, Faith.
Hi, Kadie.
I am sorry for what happened. Kudos to you for fighting back!
I encourage you to tell your mother. She is an adult — let her handle this.
~ Faith