Today has been a rough day. It started with my son’s asthma flaring up. His trigger is viruses, so even simple sniffles or a runny nose can cause him to start coughing. He has third grade End of Grade Test benchmarks this week, so the last thing he needed was (1) less sleep from coughing, which exacerbates his attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) symptoms; and (2) his inhaler, which makes him even more hyper. So, the poor kid is having trouble breathing AND sitting still while taking a test that lasts for several hours.
My son’s ADHD symptoms have been particularly bad this week, causing him to do all sorts of weird and impulsive things, which is triggering to me because I feel like I cannot keep my child safe (which equates to not being able to keep my own inner child safe). I cannot keep him safe from his asthma, and I cannot keep him safe from his impulsivity.
Then, I found out that he failed the reading benchmark, which is not surprising but still upsetting. I spend 45 minutes a day walking him through his homework because he cannot read through the instructions and comprehend them at the same time. (He has accommodations at school for all of these issues.) Despite all of the hard work I am pouring into this kid, it is not enough. If he cannot improve his reading, he will not be allowed to go on to fourth grade next year.
Some other minor things triggered me as well, which I won’t go into now. I took Xanax (actually double my prescribed dosage), and it still wasn’t enough. I wound up breaking down crying at my kid’s school (where I volunteer all day on Wednesdays). No matter how hard I try, it’s not enough … and that is so triggering to the little girl inside who worked so hard to keep my inner child safe, but it wasn’t enough…
So, I am just feeling really lousy right now. I just want to shut down and not think. After I put my son to bed, I plan to exercise, watch TV, have some wine, and go to bed. I hate when I get triggered like this, but at least I am aware that I am triggered. That counts for something, right?
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
There you are. I can usually tell when you are having a bad day by the time you put up your post. This was a late one, so I was hoping you were just tired…
It’s ok to not be ok… except that it feels so shitty!
Could it be that your son was triggered by the stress of knowing the test was coming up?? I’ve heard of this breathing method that is supposed to have incredible results for asthma and other breathing disorders. It’s called Buteyko Method.
I don’t know if this will work on WordPress, but I’ll see if the links translate. If not I’ll email them to you. (Less thinking that way!)
Buteyko: A to Z
Buteyko Breathing
Applying Buteyko
TV Asia
Feel better Faith. You are loved.
Peace,
pf
Email it is! I just sent it. Good night.
Hi,
my partner used that technique and he had no attack since 3 years. It is definitley worth a try even though it needs a while until you really get the grip of it.
I send you good energy to find strength to deal with it.
Just also want to say thank you. I never realised that that feeling:”it is not enough” has something to do with the fact that that little girl was not able to protect herself and now is often not able to protect her inner child.
I’m an educator and it sounds like the school gave end of year tests now to determine the teaching strategies for most kids and the interventions for some so the students can be successful on the end of the year tests. How can any of the students be expected to know what they haven’t been taught? Since he gets extra help hopefully they will be using the test to decide how to support him. If not, you should ask why not. Also, if he is getting special help, retention should not be determined without a lot of thought and input from them and from you.
I’m beginning to feel that there were so many deprivations in my childhood that there is very little that couldn’t trigger me to feelings I work so hard to leave behind. Tonight one of my best friends called to tell me her husband had killed himself. She was beyond sad, but said to me that she took comfort in the fact that when she spoke of him and his despair I said I could understand his desire for peace. I know he died with the good intentions of “life would be better without him” even though that is far from the truth and feels selfish at this moment. But that is the struggle, not only do I wish for peace, sometimes I feel, so would my family.
He lost touch with his real world of a loving wife and daughter. In all my despair somehow I never lose touch with that knowledge of goodness. It is hard to know and understand that this life I am in is it for me. That is hard. But at least I know and understand it is not a life I would want to leave.
So as you gather your perspective together as I have watched you do time and again, take care of yourself.
Esther,
I cannot even imagine the pain that your friend is going through. I am so sorry.
– Faith
To Esther – So sorry for you and your friend.
Faith,
Your son is lucky to have you. You have courage I was never tested with, I admire you a great deal for being so strong.
((((Faith)))) I am sorry. I understand. When things aren’t going well for my daughter I feel a sickness inside. Your son is very lucky to have you. When you talk about him, it seems like you really understand him. I can feel the love you have for him in your writing. I know you have mentioned god a couple of times so I dont think this will be a trigger for you. Sometimes when I cant take it anymore (and I wish I would do it sooner!) I just pray and ask god to make up for my shortcomings and to guide me in terms of what I should be doing to be a good mother to her. Sometimes I confuse my needs as a child with her needs. But she’s holding a completely different set of cards, so the intensity and allocation of her needs is much different than mine. Not sure if that makes sense.
Take care Faith,
Esther I am glad she has you for a friend. I will think strength and peace for all of you.
only the best wishes for you Faith Mia, Esther and Ivory.
palucci
Hi Palucci!!!
Wise words. It’s good to see your name on screen. Hope you are doing well.
Peace and blessings to all,
mia
Thanks Mia,
yeah, I noticed with my friend, she has abandonment issues. Her mother was an alcoholic and left her when she was a child. It clicked with me the other day that she (first of all is an excellent mother) treats her children as if she had abandoned them – She is carrying a guilt that does not belong to her. Her children haven’t had that loss and their needs are different than what hers were. But as a result, her disciplinary tactics are unpredictable or nonexistent. She is very loving, she just doesn’t have very good boundaries set up for them. It made me really think about how I treat my D. Faith it sounds like you have a realistic handle on what your sons issues are and aren’t. The topic just made me think.
Peace and blessing to all of you too.
palucci
[…] Rough Day Today … Triggered (faithallen.wordpress.com) […]
Hello Faith
Just want you to know thinking of you at this time, hoping you will be able to find a quiet place even for a few moments
Posted with much care and good thoughts to you and yours
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Faith)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) hope this is okay
anon