On my blog entry entitled Masturbation as a Form of Self-Injury after Sexual Child Abuse, a reader asked the following question:
Faith, thank you so much for this blog. It is so nice to hear that I am not the only one who does this. That in itself brings a huge weight off my shoulders. My biggest question is though, how do I go about stopping an…for lack of a better word…addiction that has been going on for years? ~ Gia
Although some people might fear that self-injury through masturbation is a more extreme form of an addiction/compulsion, it really is just an addiction or compulsion just like any other. Whether you struggle with an eating disorder, self-injury, or an addiction to porn, drugs, or alcohol, your addiction or compulsion is being fueled by your avoidance of facing your painful emotions.
The first step in stopping an addiction or compulsion is understanding what emotional need it is meeting. The bottom line is that all addictions and compulsions work for you on some level. My most troublesome addiction/compulsion is my battle with binge eating. As much as I complain about battling my weight and my lack of control at times with food, binge eating has always worked for me. When I was in a lot of pain as an abused child, food offered me comfort. As I “stuffed down” food, I was really “stuffing down” all of the emotions that I was not yet ready to face.
Once you understand why you are drawn to this particular addiction or compulsion, the second step is to find other ways to meet the same need. For me, learning that it is okay to feel the emotions has been instrumental in weaning off the binge eating. Now, when I get angry, I yell or punch pillows instead of eat. If I feel sad, I cry instead of eat. Since I am no longer trying to “stuff down” my emotions, the pull to binge eat is much less strong.
Third, you need to develop alternative coping strategies. For example, if I drink a glass of wine (I have no alcoholic tendencies) or take a Xanax, I am much less likely to binge eat. Both substances give me the same relief without the calories. Other more positive strategies for me include doing a Sudoku puzzle, talking with a friend, or exercising.
Fourth, build up your confidence in the alternative strategies. I give myself a 15-minute “cooling off” period. I tell myself to try other options for 15 minutes. If, after 15 minutes, I still feel the need to binge eat, I give myself permission to binge with no guilt. Then, I start fresh the next day. I have found that, most of the time, my other strategies will meet my emotional needs, and I don’t need to binge eat after all.
Finally, if you do succumb to the addiction/compulsion, let go of the guilt. You are not going to be free of a lifelong addiction or compulsion overnight, and you will always be vulnerable to it. Recognize that it is okay to lean on your addiction or compulsion from time to time, but keep trying to find other ways to meet your needs.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
We are dealing with the same problem in therapy. I’m trying to use my regular coping skills as well as reminding myself that the feeling/urge will eventually pass. Sometimes I can’t take it and I give in only to feel disgusted with myself afterward.
As you wrote, it won’t go away overnight, but I know eventually it will.
That was one of the more difficult things I brought up with my therapist because I hated myself and was so embarrassed about it. I’m glad I did, though, and I’m relieved to know that I’m not alone either. Thanks.
Lisa
How in the world do you bring this issue up with your therapist. I’m terrified to tell her that I do this. It is a major issue in my life. I’ve noticed when I cut back in one area of addiction or compulsion I usually just make up for it in another, like if I try really hard to restrain myself with the SI thru masturbation or reenacting (or fascinating about) the abuse during sex, I usually end up bingeing and purging more or I have to fight off the urge to cut. I rarely ever cut anymore but I think about ti often. There is just so much shame in this and I hate myself for it.
Hi, Annelisa.
Maybe you can print off this blog entry and hand it to your therapist. Then you don’t have to say a word it get it out in the open.
– Faith
That’s a good idea! I actually wrote it down on paper and handed it to my therapist because I was too ashamed to talk about it. She asked me if I felt comfortable if she talked about it (Not me. I just said yes or no to questions the first week), and it went very well. It was such a relief to finally tell someone who wouldn’t be judgmental and who could help me and reassure me that I am not a horrible person for doing that.
Lisa
I had this problem as a teen and in my early 20’s. I had broached the subject to my therapist as just a topic I had read about, (which I had read about, and also read about the neuro-biology of fetishes and addiction.) Since my chosen coping strategy was intellectualization, this topic was “safer” to discuss as a topic in its own right, not having to do with “me.”
Anyway, my therapist was able to help me see that certain emotions were behind the need to seek relief with masterbation. And that by giving in to the need while feeling that emotion (mine was anxiety) it only re-enforced the habit and the need. By choosing to do something else when feeling the anxiety, it made a new healthier neuropathway and eventually stopped the need to act out when feeling the anxiety. Therapist said it was like making a new groove in my brain for the mental energy to go to, like a train track that changes direction.
This is a great topic! It’s hard to re-direct behavior that’s driven by emotions, but so very rewarding and affirming when you see that you’ve conquered something that has held you in its grip for so long. It’s one sure way to know you’ve made progress. It’s very, very hard to do as it’s essentially self-mastery. But oh, so very rewarding to be free from the past shame.
Didn’t mean to go on for so long. Thanks for the topic.
Hey Deanna~
I think what you said was really great, and I’m sure will give those struggling with this issue a lot of encouragement and reassurance.
Sometimes when I am stuck in a pattern, I feel like it will never end or that I don’t know who I would be without the unhealthy pattern… etc.. I think by telling your story it gives others that light at the end of the tunnel to reach for when they might otherwise feel like giving up.
And one last thing… the groove your T was talking about, that is true! I heard a whole program on NPR about how the brain does create these grooves for patterned behavior. It was so fascinating. (Gives new meaning to the term “rut”!) Anyway, just thought I’d throw that in too. 🙂
Peace,
mia
There is a difference between getting “sober” (abstaining from alcohol) and “recovering” from alcoholism. Recovery requires modifications in your thinking process, curing and satisfying the vacuum that alcohol fills with something else that is not a person, place or thing. For spiritually-based recovery platforms such as A.A. and Women for Sobriety, this would involve a spiritual wakening and making changes in your life that would lead to a contrasting reward scheme than drinking.
My problem is that I don’t KNOW what emotions make me want to injure myself sexually. I know that I have a really hard time crying. When I was a child I was told I shouldn’t cry or I would get “something to cry about.” So it might be sadness, grief, etc but also, I’ve noticed that I don’t ever get angry really, even when I probably SHOULD. Maybe I do this to myself as a way of expressing my anger inward? I don’t know.
Also, what I do isn’t really masturbation at all in the traditional sense. It’s just basically injuring my genitals in various ways (whipping myself there, burning with a cigarette, sticking a needle in over & over, etc). Sometimes I’ll start out with “regular” masturbation but it’s like I think that if I get any pleasure out of it at ALL then I have to punish myself by inflicting pain. Then there are other times that I think I’ve done it because I was overwhelmed with some emotion (I’m not very good at identifying my feelings). Other times, I think I’ve done it to help myself “remember” something that happened, or to remind myself of what it felt like, almost like I’m reliving it in some way.
My question is this, how can I possibly find a way to stop this if I’m not really sure WHY I do it? There seems to be a handful of reasons/explanations that are equally logical. Do I start with one reason at a time? I’m basically just thinking “out loud,” and will probably end up printing this out & taking with me to therapy tomorrow . . . but thought maybe I’d write the comment here in case anybody else is struggling with identifying what purpose sexual self-injury serves for them.
On a somewhat unrelated note . . . Is there anybody else who rarely gets angry or rarely cries? Have you found a way to “let yourself” feel sadness and anger? It’s almost as though I’m afraid to start crying because there are so many years of tears built up I’m scared I will never be able to stop and might cry forever. And I’m not really sure why I don’t get angry. Maybe because I associate anger with abuse and somehow think that if I get angry I’m somehow like my abuser? I don’t know.
Hi So Ashamed,
I just discovered this website of Faith’s; she is a very good person. I hope you will read it since it has been a while since you wrote.
I have been masturbating and hurting myself for over 25 years. I have stopped many other kinds of self abuse but one seems to replace another…and this one is much harder to stop. I too am deeply deeply ashamed and never told anyone; recently I told my therapist which was really a huge relief and he is a loving and accepting person who is helping me. Do you have a therapist? I have seen many, some not helpful, but the right one can make a huge difference.
I hope you are OK and feel free to respond; I am alone with all of this except for my T. and it is so hard not to do it and be free from all the urges and thoughts and shame, so it helps me too to post here and see how others are doing.
Be well.
Marie
Hi, Marie and So Ashamed.
You can also talk about this topic over at Isurvive:
http://www.isurvive.org/
It is a message board for child abuse survivors. Use the dependence/compulsions forum. :0)
– Faith
thanks Faith I am going to join them.
Marie
I have just told my therapist about this and it has been really scary, but the right thing to do, I hope. Just saying it out loud was powerful because I suddenly felt the reality and the weight of it, and how much it has permeated my self-concept. Before I talked about it, it was just a huge cloud of shame. I was suididal the first week after I told him and had to be hospitilized. Now I’m managing but still can’t talk freely about it, and feel very uncomfortable when he talks to me about it; the words are unbearable to hear from him. I have a sense of why I do it, or where it originated–early associations between sexual feelings and violence–but it’s very hard to let myself off the hook for finding relief in it. There’s no pleasure…just a desperate kind of relief-seeking, then utter sorrow and self hatred.
Hi, blue.
Congratulations for telling! I know how hard that is to do.
My biggest equivalent in shame was the animal rape and mother-daughter sexual abuse. Both got easier as I watched the reactions of those I told. I thought they would run screaming from the room in horror, but they didn’t. That was eye-opening to me.
– Faith
…and like others here, when my other compulsions (starving) are working, I don’t have the need to hurt myself sexually.
OMG this blog is telling me so much about what I’m feeling. I get the compulsion and urge to feel pain during sex and when I masturbate.
I was groomed, raped and pimped out by a group of ‘friends’ between the ages of 12 – 15.
I’m now 21 and in a (2yrs) relationship with my bf, who’s helped me realise and accept I was abused and not just a slag who wanted gang bangs and free drugs n alcohol (what I told myself).
Recently I’m facing the problem that I’m terrified of cheating on my boyfriend, I desire to go out n get fucked and punished by some random guy/s as a release from my anxiety that’s been building over the past 5/6 months!
It’s so fucked up because my life is perfect right now (I don’t want to ruin everything), I have nothing to be sad or dissatisfied about right now, but my past emotions r bubbling up.
I’m masturbating on a daily basis, begging my bf to hurt me during sex and scratching n pulling my hair out during sex and when I masturbate, so I can get an orgasm.
My bf knows about my past, and has noticed my bruises, scratches and that I’m pulling my hair when we have sex. I can’t bare to tell him I really want to be beaten and tied up and fucked like I’m not loved, but I do!
Why do I feel like I want to be abused and raped again, when I hate what happened to me before?
It’s making me feel sick and anxious (I’m a bulimic but not relapsed for nearly 2yrs) and afraid of relapsing. I’m skipping meals and eating less which is a start to going off the rails (I know what’s happening but I can’t stop it).
I’m terrified that I’m going to rush out and cheat, or self destruct and make myself throw up or really hurt myself. I’ve never been to therapy or told anyone except my current bf about this (including my eating disorder).
I’ve done so well and can’t believe this is happening because I have a great life, but I’m going to self sabotage my relationship and my health.
What should I do?!
Who do I tell? (I can’t tell my boyfriend, he already knows enough n sees it as ‘the past’, if I show/ tell him I have cheating/ self abusive feelings now, it might be too much for him and he’ll break up with me).
Hi, Deebab.
A qualified therapist with experience working with sexual abuse survivors can help you work through these issues. You are not alone — many child abuse survivors struggle with similar issues. There is hope.
~ Faith
Faith,
I relapsed shortly after posting this, and went to see a therapist because I was having major flashbacks and was close to committing suicide! I told my bf that I had urges to cheat on him and for him to hurt me or do bdsm with me because I need the release to orgasm and feel more ‘normal’.
We nearly broke up over this, because he freaked out and got upset that I said I felt like cheating on him. But we worked it out and he calmed down after a while (on conditions that I stay faithful and keep going to my therapist).
We also started doing rough sex and bdsm together, after I finally plucked up the courage to just say what I wanted for so long and fully explain that I crave this kind of sex. I love him more for doing this with me, and feel like he truly ‘knows’ me. I feel closer to him now.
I know you’re probably going to say this is wrong, and that he isn’t helping me for doing this, but it’s really helped me to cope. I feel so alive and alert now. The only down side is that my needs to be hurt during sex and masturbation is escalating to more violent acts. How do I get the same ‘high’ but from not getting more aggressive? My bf also doesn’t punish me to the point where I bruise or anything, only mild pain, but this is becoming less affective to achieve orgasms as big as the first time we did it together.
I know I’m going to reach another hurdle with this, so do u know if maybe I can control this or work out how to ‘get off’ with out extreme pain? (U wont give me an answer for that, but I’m leaving it in there). How else could I feel more empowered, liberated, revitalised and conscious, with out bdsm in my life? I’m afraid to ask my therapist or even mention this to her, (we’re just talking about the bulimia and nothing deeper, because I don’t ‘trust’ her yet).
I also don’t think she’d know the answer and if she did, she might tell me off for getting my bf to do bdsm. I feel quite guilty sometimes that we do this together, because deep down I know I’m ‘reenacting’ my abuse with him and it’s not right/ healthy. I’m only 21, so I know the time to heal is lengthy (l’ve only just begun my journey). Do u know of a way I could tell my therapist or do something about this?
Hi, deebab.
I encourage you to talk with your therapist about this when you are ready. In the meantime, I do have a couple of BDSM books listed on my “Recommended Reading” page (see the tab at the top) that came highly recommended by readers who are child abuse survivors who engage in BDSM. They are the last two books posted.
I am not personally drawn to BDSM, but I don’t judge those who are. If it works for you, who I am to say that it isn’t right for you?
Hopefully the readers who suggested those books will see your comment and post advice as well. :0)
~ Faith