Most people are familiar with at least the concept of a visual flashback. A person with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) relives a traumatizing event by “seeing” the event take place again. Fewer are aware that flashbacks come in many other forms, such as emotional flashbacks. I have talked about non-visual flashbacks on my blog, but I would like to address the body memory form of a flashback today.
The brain is not the only part of the body that retains memories of trauma. Every cell of our bodies has the capacity to remember trauma. For example, most people have heard about amputees who continue to feel sensations from the missing limbs. Having a part of the body amputated is traumatizing to the body, and the cells of the body react by having their own form of flashbacks called “body memories.”
If you do not know what a body memory is, then it can be very scary to have one. That used to happen to me a lot. I feared I was going crazy until my therapist explained what was going on.
For example, I would be lying in my bed at night, and I would feel my body being raped. I would not be experiencing a visual flashback at the time. I would just feel the trauma of a rape and not know what to do with it.
Frequently, I would experience body memories after the initial visual flashback. For example, after recovering the memory of an oral rape, I would feel the aftermath in my throat. Or after recovering the visual flashback of an animal rape, I would feel the sensations of that rape in my body.
Body memories can be terrifying, and they make you want to claw your way out of your skin to stop feeling them.
In order to heal from a body memory, you must do the opposite of what you want to do – You need to let your body release the memory. Just like with visual flashbacks, you will only be haunted by them while you fight them. After you release them, your body no longer feels the need to experience them.
Releasing a body memory is not fun. You must surrender to the awful feelings and allow your body to feel really badly for a little while. However, if you talk yourself through them, then they will no longer plague you. Tell yourself that you already survived the abuse, so you can survive the memory. Be loving to your body and tell it that you are sorry that it endured so much abuse.
It helps if you can connect back the source of the memory to the traumatizing event. This gives the body memory a context and helps you move past the need to continue experiencing the body memory.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Your post resonated with me, as I have had the same. I wrote a post about your post here.
Take care,
Emily
http://emilyfirstgirl.wordpress.com/2008/05/25/comment-emotional-flashbacks/
Thanks!! :0)
- Faith
I have discovered it’s possible to have a pleasurable body memory as I have experienced this myself. My theory is that the body memory is linked to extremely high emotional experiences; both good and bad.
That is good to hear. I have not experienced this, but it sounds wonderful to get to “repeat” a good experience. :0)
- Faith
Body memories are my biggest problem in going forward with recovery. I experienced similar abuses as you, Faith, and they reoccurred repeatedly over many years -starting in infancy. They got conditioned in, and mixed up with basic beliefs about myself, and also got associated with positive ego states. Suffice it to say that for me good feelings trigger bad body memories exceedingly fast. I know that I need to ride the wave of the body memory to get it released – I have done that with other kinds of body memories – but some -like oral sensations- just won’t release. Got any tips for those really stubborn ones?
My best tip is to be patient with yourself. I am so bad about pushing myself to the limit. Perhaps the “stubborn” ones simply need more time for you to process. Perhaps as you are able to heal other body memories, you will gain confidence for healing the most wounded parts of yourself.
Take care,
- Faith
The body memories are easily the hardest thing ive found about my recovery so far. Because ive found they bring up other issues for me. Like they make me feel like im going crazy, and also make me question my sexuality. I will feel alot better about doing all this once these are processed – although i know theres no guarantee.
Yet again your post is spot-on. I find the surrendering bit hard , as it goes against everything ive ever done!
Im having a strange experience at the moment, and just wanted your opinion on it. My whole right arm feels disconnected from teh rest of my body. When i go walking the rest of my body moves without thought, but to move my right arm is a real effort – so i end up leaving it.
Any thoughts?
BTW it hasnt always been like this, until recently.
Have you ever done any Reiki? I used to track my progress through Reiki. Both the Reiki master and I could “feel” where I was disconnected inside. When I first started doing Reiki, I could only feel energy in the top of my body (shoulders up). As I continued to heal through self-love, I gradually moved back into the rest of my body. Now when I have a Reiki session, I can feel the energy everywhere.
I wonder if this ties into what is going on with you. Perhaps your right arm is where you are “storing” some of your memories that you have not worked through yet, and that is causing it to feel disconnected.
- Faith
Thanks for the reply.
Ill have to google that and read up about it.
I know this much – Previous to me breaking down ( and becoming aware ) i used to regulary straighten my right arm while clenching my fist in a very forceful way – this would be a regular thing. Was this my bodies way of pushing the memories down or keeping a lid on them?
Could that by why it now feels dis-connected? Because it no longer has to do that? Just thought there might be a connection there!
Ill google Reiki anywayz and maybe get a book
Thanks for your site. I don ‘t know why in all this time (21 yrs) I never thought about googling rape and particularly body memory. I have had good success with a psychotherapy modality called Eye Movement Resolution and Desensitization, but the body memory is the worst part of it. Even after all of my therapy, I still deal with the body memory in a number of places in my body, basically any part that was touched or injured during the rape. I did not have childhood issues, but I was teaching school in a men’s prison and was sexually assaulted on my lunch hour and no one found me. It’s a long story, but the journey toward healing is long. I find massage very helpful but even once I’ve released a body memory it’s never gone for good. I’m going to check into the Riekki you mentioned. Thanks for the good you’re doing having this website. I help a French female rape victim in France via the internet so this ability to communicate with other victims helped. Cheryl
Thanks for talking about a subject that is sort of hard for non survivors to understand. I have had body memories for years and they have gotten less frequent since I’ve gotten close to God through Jesus Christ. The hardest part of my abuse to heal has been spirituality. I was abused by both parents and a group of people including a priest and a nun. Seems like the worst kind of flashbacks are prior to the memories where I feel terror of something unknown. What I go through trying to keep from having a memory is sometimes worse than actually going into the memories. I have what is similar to MPD termed Dissociative Identity Disorder and have had over 50 personalities that have integrated over the years. Still have much healing but I thank God for getting me through the horror of actually remembering what happened. Having no memory of what happened seems like a better choice than healing but I want to live instead of being dissociated and numb. Thanks for all your info on flashbacks and body memories on your blog. I have made a couple videos that are on my blog. I love to make graphics. That has helped me when I need to just kind of get away from my identity as a survivor of abuse. I want to be more than my abuse or a person who is affected and triggered by almost everything most of the time.
I had a very rough day and I just feel exhausted after flashbacks and crying so much. I needed to look at your blog to remember to remind myself that I had already survived. Flashbacks can feel so here and now. Thanks for your blog.
Blessings
Sharri
I think I am experiencing body memories. They are so painful. I can’t put words onto them but my body just feels overcome with….I don’t know…a feeling that I can’t survive…that I can’t tolerate…ultimately I do survive and tolerate but at the expense of my functioning. Today I met with my therapist as a body memory involving fear came to the forefront and I’m so mad at myself for resisting the work she was trying to get me to do…to move towards it. I read what you wrote about letting it come and experiencing it and cataloging it appropriately…as a memory. I’ll try to be gentle with myself and move towards it next time. Thank you for your posts.
Wow, I’m speechless right now… to have finally found a site/blog with others that are experiencing body memories…It took me a week or so to realize that the pain I’m feeling all through my body is memory (no wonder the pain meds wouldn’t help), my breathing and feeling smothered…ack!!! It’s memory and last night I realized I just have to relax and let it happen… that’s the only way I’m going to get through this.
Thank you for your blog site… and thank you to everyone on this thread for helping me to see I’m not alone with body memory.
dee
I thought I knew what had brought me into therapy, I understood the impact of the childhood abuse on me and needed to express feelings about the events – but the experience of body memories has been a shock. The problem with body memories is the difficulty in giving them meaning. My therapist thinks that my body memories are very early memories which have no words attached to them – for me I find it difficult then to not berate myself and label the body memories as attention seeking behaviour. Of late the memories have developed in intensity and I have a reflexive response where I repeatedly hit my face; this has now woken me in the night – I don’t know what triggers it. Reading what other people have written is very reassuring especially the inability we have to describe the extent and power of these horrendous emotions. However believing that this will ever get better is something I struggle with -
I have had these ‘fits’ a few times where my body shakes, and it is hard to stop it. it always starts in my right leg, and then my right hand and moves to my body and then my head jerks a few times. I have been working with someone who believes they are body recalls of sexual abuse when I was younger. They only occur when I am talking about my dad. I have no specific memory of sexual abuse, but I know that I do not miss my dad from my life at all. (I haven’t seen him for 5 years). AFterwards I feel really out of my body and rather vulnerable in the world. Sometimes they happen at night. Once or twice it has happened to lesser degree when I have been sexually intimate with a man. And it also happened when I did rebirthing. It happened yesterday when I was in a counselling session with my mum. My mum was denying that dad could ever have done that and my body went into this state again. It really shocked them both. My speech dulls during and after the shaking, It is like I’ve had a stroke and it is really hard to talk properly. I speak really slowly. I want to know if anyone else experiences this?
I am not certain I was abused by my dad, but I am certain that my body is trying to tell me something, and I am certain that I don’t want to see my dad anymore.
I would like to hear of anyone who has experienced similar. I know I am not a nut job. In all other ways I am a relatively normal middle class girl.
I came across your site whilst looking for articles on body memory. I am a psychotherapist working with psychodrama and action methods.
As the body holds on to memories that we are often not aware of it can be difficult, even after working with talking therapies, to change our responses. Action methods work through the body to enable us to change the way we respond to past events, or even the way we respond to the thoughts of future events.
I believe that at some level we all know what it is that we need in order for healing to take place. During action based therapy the body is encouraged to speak, to give the protagonist and the director clues as to what is underlying the emotional and physical responses. Once the origin of the trauma has been brought to awareness it is then possible to give the body a positive and healing experience that can be remembered and brought into conciousness.
If anyone wishes to know more I suggest googling psychodrama, action methods or contacting me. I will be happy to help in any way possible.