On my other blog, I recently wrote about the topic of abused children and emotional flashbacks. It is interesting that I chose that topic because I am now having an emotional flashback myself. Ugh.
At least I have come along far enough in my healing to recognize when I am having one. In the past, I would feel lousy and then start looking at my life, trying to identify what had triggered the painful feelings. Now I know that they are echoes of an abusive past and have nothing to do with today.
I believe this emotional flashback is being triggered by my father’s birthday. My father passed away when I was sixteen years old, and my mother started abusing me again for a little while after that. Even though I was living in an almost 17-year-old body, I reverted back to the helpless child again. I had terrible insomnia that lasted for years because her attacks would happen when I was asleep. I suspect that my father’s birthday has triggered those feelings again.
All I know is that I have been struggling with feelings of anxiety, and now I just feel like crying. Even though I know that shedding tears will bring relief, it is my instinct to fight the urge, which only exacerbates the feelings. I know what I need to do; I just don’t want to do it. I don’t want to have to keep shedding tears and reliving grief that I have already dealt with multiple times. That just makes me angry.
A good friend of mine, who is farther along in her healing journey, says that we heal in layers. It might feel like we keep coming back to heal the same wounds, but we are actually healing them at deeper and deeper levels. I believe that she is right about this. However, knowing this doesn’t make the healing process feel any better.
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Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
((((Faith))))
Thank you!! I really appreciate the hug. :0)
– Faith
(((((Faith)))))
I just wrote about the onion thing in my blog…about peeling layers and how much it makes me angry. I keep waiting to get to the point of being DONE…whatever that means. I am sorry you are struggling…but know tomorrow is a NEW day..
Sarah
Thanks, Sarah. I am having a rough evening tonight.
– Faith
[…] my last post, Having an Emotional Flashback, I shared that I struggled with an emotional flashback yesterday. I think it was related to my […]
Hi, I was very moved by your story, and I experienced the same feelings myself. The trauma of child abuse is so hard, that even as we grow up, we cannot heal ourselves because the key tools – self esteem, confidence, trust, etc. – are all broken. It’s really difficult. I hope that today you feel stronger. We die when we give up.
I am feeling much stronger today. I have found that I can heal myself as I rebuild the self-esteem, confidence, and trust that I lost in childhood. I agree that we must keep fighting, even on the tough days.
Take care,
– Faith
[…] Having an Emotional Flashback […]
[…] the event take place again. Fewer are aware that flashbacks come in many other forms, such as emotional flashbacks. I have talked about non-visual flashbacks on my blog, but I would like to address the body memory […]