I have really been struggling lately, and I am not sure why. I suspect that some of it ties into the summer solstice that just passed on Sunday. I am certain that part of it is also fueled by the end of the school year. Still, I am having a very difficult time shaking this funk.
It doesn’t help that a lot is going wrong in my day-to-day life. Our one-year-old water heater stopped working last week. It is (obviously) still under warranty, but the company had to order a part to fix it. So, my family and I have had no hot water since Thursday. AARRGGHH!! That means that my family has to keep bumming showers off people. Even though I have people in my life who are happy to help out, it is still a major inconvenience to drag shampoo, a razor, towels, etc. to other people’s houses. Also, I have to watch my child closely (he has attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder – ADHD) when he bathes at people’s houses because he gets water all over their floors, etc. Of course, here in the sunny South, it has been 90 degrees each day, and I can’t even take a shower in my own house unless I want to freeze to death.
One of my dogs cut her leg badly a couple of weeks ago. She just got the stitches out yesterday. We have been walking her on a leash (versus letting her run around in the fenced-in backyard), and she doesn’t want to do her business on the leash and then has accidents inside. We still have one more week to go. The only way to get her to go outside is to go on a long walk, which gets me all sweaty in the 90-degree heat, but I can’t get a shower without freezing … and so it goes.
The dog head-butted me and gave a black eye. That has really been hurting. My kid has been coming off inhaled steroids for the summer (to treat his asthma), and going off the steroids makes him mean. So, most of our interactions since school let out have been tumultuous. I have not been able to flush my sinuses daily like I usually do (sooo not putting ice cold water in my sinuses), and now I am developing a sinus infection. I haven’t slept well in weeks.
It just seems like one thing after another, and then I have this horrible PTSD-related funk, and I just want to jump off a bridge. At first, it was lots of anxiety, but now it has settled into a depression. I just want to curl up in my bed, go to sleep, and never wake up.
No, this is not a suicide note or anything. No need to panic. I am just trying to pour out all that is aching inside. I am so tired of crying.
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Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
At least you can cry!
I’m sorry life is so difficult for you lately. My circumstances sound quite similar– except it’s a 3-week old washing machine instead of a water heater, and a cat having accidents instead of a dog. Hopefully those parts will arrive soon and I won’t have to shlep 7 loads to the laundromat for the 4th time.
I’ve also been in a PTSD funk. Being “emotionally-handicapped”, as I call myself, I have a difficult time knowing what I am feeling at any given time or why. Emotions are too scary and I guess I stuff them to the point of depression, this happening outside of my conscious awareness. Crying would provide relief, but the tears won’t come…
ljane
Hi, ljane.
I am sorry that you are going through a similar funk and set of circumstances. It does help to hear that I am not alone, so maybe that will bring a you a little comfort.
Hang in there.
– Faith
Oh my gosh, Faith…I’m so sorry all that is going on. That is a lot!! Very stressful. May you have grace to get through it.
I swear to God the stars are aligned wrong. If it can go wrong these last few weeks, it has. I won’t give you my list – but it’s also similar to yours Faith. And I have just gone to bed and slept.
In fact, I’ve been up for an average of 4 hours a day these last 5 days.
Not my best record. But somehow safer feeling than letting it all come to a head while I’m fully awake and aware.
You’re so strong and motivated to face it all hon. I realize you don’t think you’re handling things all too well….but I’d give my right arm to be able to stay aware and handle things as they come up the way you do.
Hang in there!
Hi Faith,
I understand you struggle all to well, and your desire to just curl up and sleep and never wake up… that’s me. But like you I keep moving. I know it will pass. My daughter is having a difficult time and I am not sure what the cause of it is. I feel triggered by some of the behaviors she is exhibiting and it is very confusing. I hope I am a good enough mother. Anyways, I understand what your saying. When it seems my child isn’t happy, I worry so much.
I hope your day is better today and you get control of that sinus infection. Those are very uncomfortable.
ONly the best wishes for you Faith,
Palucci
Wow Faith! I hope you have some good friends you can lean on. I mean all that stuff would make anyone depressed, much less somebody who is already being PTSD triggered!
Hang in there. I’ll send good and positive vibes your way.
Peace,
Mia
I have a fabulous friend who is (surprisingly) not scared off by my intensity. She is still trying to figure out what to do to be more helpful because I cannot tell her. Right now, she tries to sit with me or talk with me by phone until she gets my intensity down a bit. She’s a gem. :0)
– Faith
faith and everyone…
i am so sorry for everything that you have been going through! I am also sorry to say that i understand very well, different circumstances but much the same reactions. I have been so tired, sad and just in a funk.. sometimes crying sometimes not. just like you said want to sleep and make it all go away…. just complaining i guess too. dont know why it all seems so overwhelming right now… and hope you get some hot water soon… that really stinks…… really!
Dear Faith. I saw you arrive about this struggle elsewhere and I just wanted to wish you peace, that this funk soon passes for you. I see your strength every time I come here and you amaze me. You truly are an inspiration, even if you feel as if you are not.
Your truths are about as awful as they can possibly get, and yet here you are, this light in the darkness.
I wish you peace, I wish you strength, I wish you light, and I wish for all the good things you deserve.
[…] — faithallen @ 6:18 am Tags: support groups, supporting each other As I shared in my last blog entry, I have not been doing very well lately. I listed a bunch of day-to-day stuff that is going wrong […]
We got our hot water back yesterday afternoon. Hooray! I have been washing clothes and dishes like a mad woman. I am about to go walk the dogs. Then, I plan to take a long, luxurious shower. :0)
– Faith
yay! Hot water! Dishes, clothes dont sound like fun, but gosh I know when everything is clean it feels much better. I am still in a difficult place and haven’t made it back to isurvive yet. But I keep moving and fighting the si. I really want to cry but I just cant. I ran 6 mi this morning to get out some of anxiety. I prayed too.
Only the best wishes for you Faith. I hope in this moment you are at peace.
Palucci