So, it turns out that I am not handling this latest crap from my mother as well as I hoped. I received her letter on Saturday, and I was truly dying laughing at the absurdity of the whole thing. I slept fitfully that night. On Sunday, I felt waves of anxiety on and off, but it was nothing that I couldn’t handle.
However, Sunday night was really bad. I took some Tussionex to help me sleep better, and it did not work. I was awake every hour on the hour – really annoying. I woke up feeling like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I was very cranky and irritable, snapping at everyone around me. I wanted to scream and cry.
I called my sister and asked for advice on what to do. I just wanted to tell my mother/abuser to back the f@#$ off, but I feared how that would affect my sister, who still has her in her life. My sister graduates from college in December, and I will cross paths with my mother at that graduation, so I don’t understand why she cannot just back off and wait to make her case then. My sister said that this is an easy semester, and I should just do what I need to do.
My therapist had previously recommended writing her a letter stating that, due to my abuse as a child, it was unsafe for me or my family to be in a relationship with her and not to contact me again. That would open a whole can of worms, getting into the abuse and stuff. I just want her to (1) die; or (2) leave me the h@#$ alone.
I talked to a friend later that morning and told her that I just want to tell my mother to back the f@#$ off. She said that is exactly what I should tell her … so I did. I wrote only five words on an index card and mailed it to her:
Back the F#$% off!! – Faith
That letter went out on Monday. I have been binge eating and feeling like s@#$ ever since, but I did at least sleep well on Monday night. I am writing this on Tuesday night (you will read about her letter in the morning), and I am in so much pain. I have been so triggered all day, having had other annoying things happen in addition to this today. I am so triggered that I am having trouble focusing. I have taken Xanax, drunk wine, and have binged on a ton of food. My stomach is killing me. I don’t feel any better.
I am so friggin’ angry that my mother still has this power over me. I don’t want to have to carve out two hours of my day plus work out childcare and pay over $100 to see my therapist. I don’t want to gain all of my weight back. It makes me so d@#$ angry that my mother still has this level of power over me. I just want her to die and burn in hell and leave me the h#$% alone. Is that really too much to ask?
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 